I had a great session with my screenwriting group. I brought my 7 page script and got great feedback on it. I also brought the screenplay I want to rewrite, and received many insightful comments on how to make that screenplay better.
I'm excited and can't wait to start writing. I'd like to write tonight, but I'm exhausted. I think I need to let the feedback I heard germinate in my brain. I don't want to get burnt out with my writing. That's my modus operandi, to dive in head first and let everything else go and I don't want to do that. When I do that, I get thoughts like "M-Square is a distraction to my writing and I can't have distractions in my life" or "I can't fulfill my writing goal and have a relationship at the same time."
Thoughts like these are bad for me. I've been down that road before, and I became resentful of my writing and stopped creating. I have to have moderation in my life, otherwise I become miserable. It's that compulsive personality of mine peaking through.
The "Or" world is a lonely world. The "And" world is much better. I can be a writer AND I can have a relationship with a man I love.
M-Square is so great! He totally trusts me and told me things about his life this week that he said he's never told anyone before. When he does this, I feel so loved by him. He also let me know early something that was going on his life this week, so I wouldn't worrry. This was a first for him, to tell me he was stressed out at work instead of him just shutting down and not telling me anything. We are definitely making progress! We are birthing a relationship that works for both of us. It is hard work, but at least we are making progress.
I am grateful for having him in my life right now. He rolls with my insecurities and foibles, and although I know it's not easy for him, he hangs in there with me. And I try to do the same for him. I am grateful that I haven't scared him off yet. Because god only knows, I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. It's been my pet theory for a long time that the person I end up with with in a long term relationship, is going to be a person that puts up with me and still finds it in his heart to love and appreciate the person I am.
It will 7 months for M-Square and I this month that we've been together. And yes I know we have a long-distance relationship and it's a little odd, but a really good friend of mine who has been happily married for several years started her relationship with her husband in exactly the same way. And today, they are the proud parents of adopted twin boys.
I don't know. As much as I want "normalcy" in my life, my life has been anything but normal. That has been my life, and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for my "strange life". And I really like who I am, what I've accomplished in my life so far, where I am with my writing, where I am with my spirituality. So I'm like thinking why jinx it by wanting something different? It's been great so far.
Is this like a backwards thought or what? Somehow it sounds so untransformational and so strange coming from someone like me who has been pursuing self transformation since I was 13 years old. Maybe I am growing up a little. Maybe I am finally trying to accept who I am and trying to become comfortable in my own skin.
My first love Michael was right when he told me of this old french saying which goes something like "the more things change, the more they stay the same." I hate to think I haven't changed, but maybe I haven't. Maybe all I've done in my self-transformational journey is peel off all the layers of myself that I didn't like, that didn't fit, so I could reveal my true self. I like this explanation. Why should I spin a story about myself that's just going to send me the lowest depths of depression? Why shouldn't I spin a story about myself that makes me feel good? Why hit a strike when I can hit a run out of the ballpark? Life is all about how you spin it, isn't it? It's all about the spin.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Maybe this will be a good writing for year. As I was washing dishes earlier, I realized that I had fun tonight writing. I haven't had fun with my writing in a very long time. It's been such a chore these last couple of years, and my input has greatly suffered because of it.
I love that I left the world for about 3 hours. I didn't know that much time had passed till I looked up and noticed how dark it was outside and looked at my watch. I love when I disappear like that. It doesn't happen very often for me when I write, but when I do it's just an amazing feeling.
It's like I truly entered the world of my writing, and you know, it was an incredible trip! I hope it continues because I know I have so much damned hard work ahead of me to my writing to be very good. And if I'm having fun then maybe it won't feel so much like work and I'll write more. That's a thought huh?
I love that I left the world for about 3 hours. I didn't know that much time had passed till I looked up and noticed how dark it was outside and looked at my watch. I love when I disappear like that. It doesn't happen very often for me when I write, but when I do it's just an amazing feeling.
It's like I truly entered the world of my writing, and you know, it was an incredible trip! I hope it continues because I know I have so much damned hard work ahead of me to my writing to be very good. And if I'm having fun then maybe it won't feel so much like work and I'll write more. That's a thought huh?
I watched the movie "Collateral" last night. It was a good movie. Tom Cruise was fantastic. He makes a very good villian. His performance was almost as good as what he did in "Magnolia" and "Born on the fourth of July". I'm really getting into Jamie Fox as an actor. He is quite good. What was really great about the DVD was the director Michael Mann's commentary. His commentary was like a seminar on how to write a good screenplay. I returned it to Netflix, but I am contemplating buying it so I can listen to Mann's commentary again.
My Numbers Reading from Glynnis McCants
I bought Glynis McCants' numerology book, "Glynis Has Your Number", and found it fascinating, so I decided this year to get a reading of my numbers done. This is what she sent me. I think it is quite accurate.
EXPLANATION OF NUMBERS
Brenda's #'s
SOUL NUMBER - 9
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
PERSONALITY NUMBER - 5
A face you show the world.
POWER NAME NUMBER - 5
This number represents the strength of your name and tells a lot about who you are.
BIRTH-DAY - 6
The way you appear to people.
LIFEPATH - 7
The number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. The most important number in your personal Numerology.
ATTITUDE NUMBER - 7
The first impression people have when talking to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPECIAL NOTES
Brenda, when I see 7/6 as the birth numbers that means the person often feels "confused and not sure." I suggest when you make a decision, go with your first thought, and do not second-guess yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIFEPATH NUMBER
The Lifepath is the number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. It is the most important number in your personal Numerology.
When you add together the month, the day and the year, you get your Lifepath Number, and that is the number that fulfills you. We call that number the Lifepath Number. That number is the most important number in Numerology. Always remember, what's going to make you truly happy is focusing on your Lifepath Number.
Brenda, Your Lifepath number is 7. Here is the description:
The "7" Lifepath:
The Faith Seeker
7s are here to learn to have faith. If they don't have faith they can't really be happy. If you have a 7 child, you'll notice when they sleep they really do look like angels, and this is because they have that energy. In fact when they grow up and become adults, you're going to continue to feel that beautiful spirit. If 7s have faith they tend to be very spiritual and you can learn from them. 7's are incredibly bright.
They have a powerful mind if they use it. If they don't believe in a higher power or they question the process of life, they are exhausting to be around. I honestly believe there are two kinds of people on our planet. We either thank God, or think we're God. Believe me, this is true for the 7. More than any other number, the 7 needs a strong spiritual base. 7's tend to escape, when they're off track, through drugs, alcohol, geography, or work.
It often seems that 7s are visiting from another planet in that they are the observer and commentator. This is a very direct number. 7s tend to tell the truth, and if they don't like someone, it is very obvious. 7s can have lethal tongues. They have a mental steel door. They can take you in, but if they decide they don't want you in their lives, they shut that door and that is the end of the relationship.
7s have a loner quality, and though they can be with people, they definitely like their time alone. Anything connected to the water: river, ocean, or lake, helps 7s to get out of themselves because they do tend to think too much. 7s are very intense, and just like the 4 vibration, over analyze every situation. They walk into a room and they see all of the details (as a result, 7s tend to be very good writers). They also become computer experts and scientists-anything involving technical work. 7s are good at discovering things. It would not be surprising, if the cure for AIDS is found by a 7 vibration. They come up with major solutions and don't necessarily know where the answer came from. It is because 7's are so linked to God when they are in the positive element of their number.
7s love natural beauty: the mountains, the snow, flowers, plants, green grass, and they definitely need to be surrounded by it. 7s have a wonderful love of simplicity, such as animals. They like the unconditional love that comes from pets, because they are not always good at understanding people's needs and wants.
7s like to have air of mystery and will do anything to keep the mystery. So the more you pry or ask questions, the more they shut down. It can be difficult for them but 7's like to have their own story and will not share it with everybody. They are exclusive. It's not uncommon for a 7, even in a marriage to sleep in a separate bed or even in a separate room, and this no offense to the spouse. 7s just need their own space. If you are in a relationship with a 7, don't take it personally when they do get so quiet. 7s are definitely assessing and dissecting al those thoughts and ideas.
7s might have trouble saying, "I love you," or praising their partner because they fear that if they do the person might feel too good for them and leave. The irony is that if the person leaves it's often because he feels undervalued and neglected.
This number is not known for cheating, and generally, the 7 is very loyal. 7s tend to work a lot too. That's their passion. 7s throw themselves into their work and that's because they think they have control there. 7s have the Peter Pan syndrome. They are children for life in many ways, and yet when they are children their parents often point out what old souls they are. 7's say things that are beyond their years. 7s have tremendous wisdom and insight, and when a 7 child tells you something, listen carefully. They tend to have intuition and know things without knowing why.
7's can be misunderstood because they have a quality about them that makes people feel judged in their presence. People may feel that they are cold or aloof, but I can tell you that they are truly just observing. Their silence can be powerful 7s are definitely opinionated and when they do speak they feel what they say matters.
Occupations for the 7: psychiatrist, psychologist, anything to do with the study of the mind. They have psychic ability, so they can excel at Numerology, Astrology, and Tarot card reading. A lot of 7s go into forms of radio or television broadcasting. This is interesting, because although they don't seek major attention, when they do speak, people want to listen to them. Other occupations would concern the mysteries of nature: oceanography, astronomy, geology, these are fields they excel in also.
How the Lifepath 7 gets along with each number:
Natural Matches: 1,5 and 7
Compatible Numbers: 4
Challenge Numbers: 2,3,8 and 9
LUCKY NUMBERS
Everybody wants to know which are the best numbers for winning. Your lucky numbers are based on your Lifepath.
I did some research in Las Vegas. Out of 100 people in a casino, 80 of those people had a 5 in their birth numbers. I also did a television segment called "Lucky Lotto Winners." I researched the birth numbers of the four million-dollar winners to search for a pattern, and all four were 5 Lifepaths.
I would caution a 5 not to play with "scared money," however, and that of course is money they need for rent or a car payment. Otherwise, I would say go for it because the odds seems to be in their favor.
If you're not a 5 Lifepath and you want to play, get a 5 Lifepath friend to bet for you.
Brenda, your Lucky Numbers are derived by the Lifepath #7.
Month: July.
Best days of the month the 16th and the 25th.
Days of the week: Saturday you do well with people. Sunday you should be alone or with a kindred spirit.
Lucky numbers for the 7: 7, 16, 25, 34, 52, 61, 70, 79, 88, 97, and 106.
THE SOUL NUMBER
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
Knowing your Soul Numbers is extremely important regarding you and your partner because it is what you feel inside. People may not see your Soul Number characteristics, but you will feel it on a deep level. Take a look at your Soul Numbers and know that this is the number that will lead you to inner peace.
Brenda, Your Soul Number is 9
My 9 soul is fulfilled when: I have resolved old family issues that have caused me pain. When I am living in the moment taking in everything that life has to offer me. When I am making a good living and it involves contributing to humanity.
THE PERSONALITY NUMBER
What is the Personality Number?
What is a Personality Number? When you add all the consonants of your name together you will get your Personality Number. This number tells you how you appear on the outside, that is to say, how the world sees you.
Brenda, your Personality Number is 5
You have an air of fun and energy that makes you a welcome addition to any party, and The 5 Personality is someone who wants to know where the party is! You are very clever and others enthuse to your ideas. 5s love excitement and you seek adventure, and failing that—a juicy secret, someone else’s adventure! Watch overindulgence, you can have an addictive streak. Unfortunately, you, yourself, can become easily bored. Try to find harmless things to refuel your interest—sports, movies, books are some suggestions.
THE POWER NAME NUMBER
What is the Power Name Number?
When you add the Soul Number and the Personality Number together and break it down to one digit you will get your Power Name Number. This number represents the strength of your name and lets us know who you are.
Brenda, your Power Name Number is 5.
The Power Name Number 5: This is a high-energy person. People can almost feel the electricity surrounding you. You can be an escape artist—it might be sex, drugs, alcohol, geography, or work. You are the celebrators of life; you want to travel, to see what’s out there. You love to make things beautiful. You are the master party decorator—and parties can bring gossip—another favorite of yours, as you love a mystery and dig for facts. Stay busy, and within reason keep those frequent flyer miles going.
THE BIRTH-DAY NUMBER
The Birth-Day Number is the day you were born. It is the way you look, and how people will perceive you at first glance. Since the Lifepath Number is who you really are, it is easiest when the Birth-Day Number is either a Natural Match or a Compatible vibration to your Lifepath.
However, if your Birth-Day Number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath, you will always baffle the people that are in your life. If this is the case in your own chart, just be sure to let people know who you really are (your Lifepath Number ). It will help you to avoid unnecessary heartaches/headaches throughout your lifetime.
Brenda, your Birth-Day number is 6.
The 6 Birth-day ( People born on the 6th, 15th, 24th)
People born on a # 6 Birth-day appear as a born nurturer, someone who craves love, friends, and companionship.When a 6 Birth-day walks in the room, people will feel your presence immediately.You have a dynamic energy. The world sees you as a solid personality, very responsible and capable of managing other people. A 6 birth-day will instinctively know how to deal with children.
THE ATTITUDE NUMBER
The first impression people have when talking to you.
If you look at the Lifepath Number of an individual that you want to understand better and it doesn't seem accurate, then study their Attitude Number (add month and Birth-Day together). Let's talk a little bit more about the Attitude Number. How to get it is to add the month and the day together and break that number down to one digit. For instance, for someone born on September 17th: 9 + 1 + 7 = 17 = 1 + 7 = 8 8 is the Attitude Number of a person born 9-17.
Brenda, your Attitude Number is 7
Attitude #7: It is hard to know what the 7 Attitude is thinking. They are very
selective with whom they confide in. However, they are very good at getting information out of other people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanings of Repeated Numbers in your Chart
When a number repeats itself in your chart, pay special attention to it because it plays an important part in your character. This is especially true if the repeating number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath.
Brenda, your repeat numbers are 5 & 7
The repeat number 5 Means you must find ways to celebrate your life, and never let someone else control you. Go out and explore the world. Experience all that is new and exciting. Establish balance to avoid falling into a depression. The repeat number 7 Means you must have your time alone with nature in order find your true spiritual self where there is no hypocrisy. You must overcome your constant need to escape and find healthier outlets such as keeping a journal, going on a cruise, or exploring the Seven Wonders Of The World. No pun intended...:)
EXPLANATION OF NUMBERS
Brenda's #'s
SOUL NUMBER - 9
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
PERSONALITY NUMBER - 5
A face you show the world.
POWER NAME NUMBER - 5
This number represents the strength of your name and tells a lot about who you are.
BIRTH-DAY - 6
The way you appear to people.
LIFEPATH - 7
The number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. The most important number in your personal Numerology.
ATTITUDE NUMBER - 7
The first impression people have when talking to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPECIAL NOTES
Brenda, when I see 7/6 as the birth numbers that means the person often feels "confused and not sure." I suggest when you make a decision, go with your first thought, and do not second-guess yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIFEPATH NUMBER
The Lifepath is the number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. It is the most important number in your personal Numerology.
When you add together the month, the day and the year, you get your Lifepath Number, and that is the number that fulfills you. We call that number the Lifepath Number. That number is the most important number in Numerology. Always remember, what's going to make you truly happy is focusing on your Lifepath Number.
Brenda, Your Lifepath number is 7. Here is the description:
The "7" Lifepath:
The Faith Seeker
7s are here to learn to have faith. If they don't have faith they can't really be happy. If you have a 7 child, you'll notice when they sleep they really do look like angels, and this is because they have that energy. In fact when they grow up and become adults, you're going to continue to feel that beautiful spirit. If 7s have faith they tend to be very spiritual and you can learn from them. 7's are incredibly bright.
They have a powerful mind if they use it. If they don't believe in a higher power or they question the process of life, they are exhausting to be around. I honestly believe there are two kinds of people on our planet. We either thank God, or think we're God. Believe me, this is true for the 7. More than any other number, the 7 needs a strong spiritual base. 7's tend to escape, when they're off track, through drugs, alcohol, geography, or work.
It often seems that 7s are visiting from another planet in that they are the observer and commentator. This is a very direct number. 7s tend to tell the truth, and if they don't like someone, it is very obvious. 7s can have lethal tongues. They have a mental steel door. They can take you in, but if they decide they don't want you in their lives, they shut that door and that is the end of the relationship.
7s have a loner quality, and though they can be with people, they definitely like their time alone. Anything connected to the water: river, ocean, or lake, helps 7s to get out of themselves because they do tend to think too much. 7s are very intense, and just like the 4 vibration, over analyze every situation. They walk into a room and they see all of the details (as a result, 7s tend to be very good writers). They also become computer experts and scientists-anything involving technical work. 7s are good at discovering things. It would not be surprising, if the cure for AIDS is found by a 7 vibration. They come up with major solutions and don't necessarily know where the answer came from. It is because 7's are so linked to God when they are in the positive element of their number.
7s love natural beauty: the mountains, the snow, flowers, plants, green grass, and they definitely need to be surrounded by it. 7s have a wonderful love of simplicity, such as animals. They like the unconditional love that comes from pets, because they are not always good at understanding people's needs and wants.
7s like to have air of mystery and will do anything to keep the mystery. So the more you pry or ask questions, the more they shut down. It can be difficult for them but 7's like to have their own story and will not share it with everybody. They are exclusive. It's not uncommon for a 7, even in a marriage to sleep in a separate bed or even in a separate room, and this no offense to the spouse. 7s just need their own space. If you are in a relationship with a 7, don't take it personally when they do get so quiet. 7s are definitely assessing and dissecting al those thoughts and ideas.
7s might have trouble saying, "I love you," or praising their partner because they fear that if they do the person might feel too good for them and leave. The irony is that if the person leaves it's often because he feels undervalued and neglected.
This number is not known for cheating, and generally, the 7 is very loyal. 7s tend to work a lot too. That's their passion. 7s throw themselves into their work and that's because they think they have control there. 7s have the Peter Pan syndrome. They are children for life in many ways, and yet when they are children their parents often point out what old souls they are. 7's say things that are beyond their years. 7s have tremendous wisdom and insight, and when a 7 child tells you something, listen carefully. They tend to have intuition and know things without knowing why.
7's can be misunderstood because they have a quality about them that makes people feel judged in their presence. People may feel that they are cold or aloof, but I can tell you that they are truly just observing. Their silence can be powerful 7s are definitely opinionated and when they do speak they feel what they say matters.
Occupations for the 7: psychiatrist, psychologist, anything to do with the study of the mind. They have psychic ability, so they can excel at Numerology, Astrology, and Tarot card reading. A lot of 7s go into forms of radio or television broadcasting. This is interesting, because although they don't seek major attention, when they do speak, people want to listen to them. Other occupations would concern the mysteries of nature: oceanography, astronomy, geology, these are fields they excel in also.
How the Lifepath 7 gets along with each number:
Natural Matches: 1,5 and 7
Compatible Numbers: 4
Challenge Numbers: 2,3,8 and 9
LUCKY NUMBERS
Everybody wants to know which are the best numbers for winning. Your lucky numbers are based on your Lifepath.
I did some research in Las Vegas. Out of 100 people in a casino, 80 of those people had a 5 in their birth numbers. I also did a television segment called "Lucky Lotto Winners." I researched the birth numbers of the four million-dollar winners to search for a pattern, and all four were 5 Lifepaths.
I would caution a 5 not to play with "scared money," however, and that of course is money they need for rent or a car payment. Otherwise, I would say go for it because the odds seems to be in their favor.
If you're not a 5 Lifepath and you want to play, get a 5 Lifepath friend to bet for you.
Brenda, your Lucky Numbers are derived by the Lifepath #7.
Month: July.
Best days of the month the 16th and the 25th.
Days of the week: Saturday you do well with people. Sunday you should be alone or with a kindred spirit.
Lucky numbers for the 7: 7, 16, 25, 34, 52, 61, 70, 79, 88, 97, and 106.
THE SOUL NUMBER
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.
Knowing your Soul Numbers is extremely important regarding you and your partner because it is what you feel inside. People may not see your Soul Number characteristics, but you will feel it on a deep level. Take a look at your Soul Numbers and know that this is the number that will lead you to inner peace.
Brenda, Your Soul Number is 9
My 9 soul is fulfilled when: I have resolved old family issues that have caused me pain. When I am living in the moment taking in everything that life has to offer me. When I am making a good living and it involves contributing to humanity.
THE PERSONALITY NUMBER
What is the Personality Number?
What is a Personality Number? When you add all the consonants of your name together you will get your Personality Number. This number tells you how you appear on the outside, that is to say, how the world sees you.
Brenda, your Personality Number is 5
You have an air of fun and energy that makes you a welcome addition to any party, and The 5 Personality is someone who wants to know where the party is! You are very clever and others enthuse to your ideas. 5s love excitement and you seek adventure, and failing that—a juicy secret, someone else’s adventure! Watch overindulgence, you can have an addictive streak. Unfortunately, you, yourself, can become easily bored. Try to find harmless things to refuel your interest—sports, movies, books are some suggestions.
THE POWER NAME NUMBER
What is the Power Name Number?
When you add the Soul Number and the Personality Number together and break it down to one digit you will get your Power Name Number. This number represents the strength of your name and lets us know who you are.
Brenda, your Power Name Number is 5.
The Power Name Number 5: This is a high-energy person. People can almost feel the electricity surrounding you. You can be an escape artist—it might be sex, drugs, alcohol, geography, or work. You are the celebrators of life; you want to travel, to see what’s out there. You love to make things beautiful. You are the master party decorator—and parties can bring gossip—another favorite of yours, as you love a mystery and dig for facts. Stay busy, and within reason keep those frequent flyer miles going.
THE BIRTH-DAY NUMBER
The Birth-Day Number is the day you were born. It is the way you look, and how people will perceive you at first glance. Since the Lifepath Number is who you really are, it is easiest when the Birth-Day Number is either a Natural Match or a Compatible vibration to your Lifepath.
However, if your Birth-Day Number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath, you will always baffle the people that are in your life. If this is the case in your own chart, just be sure to let people know who you really are (your Lifepath Number ). It will help you to avoid unnecessary heartaches/headaches throughout your lifetime.
Brenda, your Birth-Day number is 6.
The 6 Birth-day ( People born on the 6th, 15th, 24th)
People born on a # 6 Birth-day appear as a born nurturer, someone who craves love, friends, and companionship.When a 6 Birth-day walks in the room, people will feel your presence immediately.You have a dynamic energy. The world sees you as a solid personality, very responsible and capable of managing other people. A 6 birth-day will instinctively know how to deal with children.
THE ATTITUDE NUMBER
The first impression people have when talking to you.
If you look at the Lifepath Number of an individual that you want to understand better and it doesn't seem accurate, then study their Attitude Number (add month and Birth-Day together). Let's talk a little bit more about the Attitude Number. How to get it is to add the month and the day together and break that number down to one digit. For instance, for someone born on September 17th: 9 + 1 + 7 = 17 = 1 + 7 = 8 8 is the Attitude Number of a person born 9-17.
Brenda, your Attitude Number is 7
Attitude #7: It is hard to know what the 7 Attitude is thinking. They are very
selective with whom they confide in. However, they are very good at getting information out of other people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanings of Repeated Numbers in your Chart
When a number repeats itself in your chart, pay special attention to it because it plays an important part in your character. This is especially true if the repeating number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath.
Brenda, your repeat numbers are 5 & 7
The repeat number 5 Means you must find ways to celebrate your life, and never let someone else control you. Go out and explore the world. Experience all that is new and exciting. Establish balance to avoid falling into a depression. The repeat number 7 Means you must have your time alone with nature in order find your true spiritual self where there is no hypocrisy. You must overcome your constant need to escape and find healthier outlets such as keeping a journal, going on a cruise, or exploring the Seven Wonders Of The World. No pun intended...:)
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