I had a great session with my screenwriting group. I brought my 7 page script and got great feedback on it. I also brought the screenplay I want to rewrite, and received many insightful comments on how to make that screenplay better.

I'm excited and can't wait to start writing. I'd like to write tonight, but I'm exhausted. I think I need to let the feedback I heard germinate in my brain. I don't want to get burnt out with my writing. That's my modus operandi, to dive in head first and let everything else go and I don't want to do that. When I do that, I get thoughts like "M-Square is a distraction to my writing and I can't have distractions in my life" or "I can't fulfill my writing goal and have a relationship at the same time."

Thoughts like these are bad for me. I've been down that road before, and I became resentful of my writing and stopped creating. I have to have moderation in my life, otherwise I become miserable. It's that compulsive personality of mine peaking through.

The "Or" world is a lonely world. The "And" world is much better. I can be a writer AND I can have a relationship with a man I love.

M-Square is so great! He totally trusts me and told me things about his life this week that he said he's never told anyone before. When he does this, I feel so loved by him. He also let me know early something that was going on his life this week, so I wouldn't worrry. This was a first for him, to tell me he was stressed out at work instead of him just shutting down and not telling me anything. We are definitely making progress! We are birthing a relationship that works for both of us. It is hard work, but at least we are making progress.

I am grateful for having him in my life right now. He rolls with my insecurities and foibles, and although I know it's not easy for him, he hangs in there with me. And I try to do the same for him. I am grateful that I haven't scared him off yet. Because god only knows, I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. It's been my pet theory for a long time that the person I end up with with in a long term relationship, is going to be a person that puts up with me and still finds it in his heart to love and appreciate the person I am.

It will 7 months for M-Square and I this month that we've been together. And yes I know we have a long-distance relationship and it's a little odd, but a really good friend of mine who has been happily married for several years started her relationship with her husband in exactly the same way. And today, they are the proud parents of adopted twin boys.

I don't know. As much as I want "normalcy" in my life, my life has been anything but normal. That has been my life, and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for my "strange life". And I really like who I am, what I've accomplished in my life so far, where I am with my writing, where I am with my spirituality. So I'm like thinking why jinx it by wanting something different? It's been great so far.

Is this like a backwards thought or what? Somehow it sounds so untransformational and so strange coming from someone like me who has been pursuing self transformation since I was 13 years old. Maybe I am growing up a little. Maybe I am finally trying to accept who I am and trying to become comfortable in my own skin.

My first love Michael was right when he told me of this old french saying which goes something like "the more things change, the more they stay the same." I hate to think I haven't changed, but maybe I haven't. Maybe all I've done in my self-transformational journey is peel off all the layers of myself that I didn't like, that didn't fit, so I could reveal my true self. I like this explanation. Why should I spin a story about myself that's just going to send me the lowest depths of depression? Why shouldn't I spin a story about myself that makes me feel good? Why hit a strike when I can hit a run out of the ballpark? Life is all about how you spin it, isn't it? It's all about the spin.