I joined Weight Watchers at work because I can't control my eating and I've gained about 15-20 pounds since last year. With the new job and the bad breakup with red-haired guy, the pounds just started coming back.

I can only barely fit into my size 8 Tommy Hilfigger jeans, and this really freaks me out. My size 8 Ralph Laurens I can't even wear. At least I didn't gain all the weight I lost, but still. I've thrown out most of my smaller clothes, so I have no choice but lose weight again. It's amazing what five extra pounds can do the fit of your clothes. My clothes could handle a 10-15 pound weight gain, but not a 15-20 pound gain.

Today was the first day I really starting counting my points, and I'm amazed at how hungry I am. My body really got used to surviving on more calories. I've been working out, but I just couldn't get back into the rhythm of counting my calories. Oh well, sometimes you just have to try something different.

The WW group at work is on Mondays from 12 noon to 1 pm. The people are really nice, and there are a couple of people there I know from projects I've worked on. I like the leader of the group. She's a nice woman who has a passionate love affaire with potato chips, who has kept her weight off for 20 years.

Most of the WW group at work are seriously overweight women. I saw one woman who really doesn't look like she has a weight problem, but then again my therapist doesn't think I have a weight problem either. I did feel kind of weird walking into the group with my totally tight size 10 very short silk miniskirt, when most of the women there look like they're size 18 and up. It made me wonder what they thought of me.

The WW group at work reminds me of that fat farm/spa I went to in Utah. Most of the women there were really huge, and they just stared me and the other women there who were smaller. There were other women who were thinner than me and we were all in the same exercise group, so at least I wasn't the thinnest person there.

I just want my clothes to fit and look attractive for M-Square. I can't believe I'm having a quasi-boyfriend relationship at this weight. At least with the red-haired guy I felt attractive and thinner and my clothes pretty much fit. Now I'm with some guy whom I really, really like and I'm a blimpie. How ironic is that?

M-Square is great though and hasn't mentioned the extra weight. I told him I needed to lose some weight, and he said with us the physical stuff doesn't and shouldn't matter. But I think it does. The extra weight just does not make feel attractive. If he wasn't so positive about physical looks not being important, I don't think I could have been intimate with him.

But he's from Southern California where he's exposed to that whole Hollywood thin look, and I just don't want to feel and look like a whale when I'm with him. I know looks don't matter but it's affecting my self-esteem and will be impacting my pocket book if I have to buy bigger clothes, so I've got to take the weight off.

But boy am I not in the mood to eat less nor am I happy about having to watch what I eat agan. The leader of the WW group at work is right. I'm always going to have to be vigilant about my weight, and not use food to medicate my stress levels.

I wish I was at the 49er/Dallas game. I remember being at 49er games when they would announce the scores for Dallas games, and if Dallas lost the whole stadium would erupt in a cheer.

That was an exciting but disappointing Oakland/Philadelphia game. The Raiders almost pulled it out, but they lost the game on penalties and bad kicks by Janikowski. Too bad.

I haven't posted for awhile because it's been such a weird two weeks. But here's the news.

I decided M-Square and I should have a discussion about serial monogamy last week. We live in different cities and you know, I've been burnt in the past when I haven't had this kind of conversation. You can't assume that just because you've had sex with soemone that they're not going to have sex with someone else.

What I thought would be a five minute conversation, took like almost three hours. Talk about baggage on both of our parts. Geesh! M-Square was like so offended that I had to even have a conversation like this with him, and I got kind of pissed that he was offended. So then I had to tell him about the stupid boyfriend who was cheating on me because I didn't have this kind of discussion, and then I had to hear about his ex-wife who constantly accused him of having affaires when he wasn't.

After we spewed our respective stories, I laughed and told him this is what is called "baggage". He laughed too and we both agreed that we wouldn't date other people and if we did we would have to tell the other person. In the end, M-Square was happy that we had the conversation.

Honestly, the disucssion was so hard but I felt like I needed to have it. I'm not planning on seeing anyone else, but I wasn't sure about him. He said he's a one-woman man, a statement I've never heard from any guy before.

I'm not even sure why the no screwing around conversation was so difficult, because when I was visiting him over Labor Day we didn't have a problem discussing the future and whether he would move up here or I would move down there. That was a five-minute conversation with him saying "the Bay Area has great sports but he didn't think he could live up here because it's too cold." I told him that I had already thought about who should move and that I would be the one to move because he has a great job and one I think is his life purpose. I even told him that my main pre-req for a job is the company has to have an office in LA, so if and when I move down there I could stay with the same company.

I wouldn't mind living in Southern California. The weather is warm and M-Square and I would live in the OC, because he grew up in that area. He said we'd either live in Laguna Beach or Newport Beach or somewhere in that area. We wouldn't be in a city, but LA is only an hour drive away.

I think there's been a ton of weird energy since Saturday when the full moon came out. People at work have been really stressed and two people today said to me that all we do at work is put out fires and be in crisis mode. Too bad all this frenetic energy hasn't translated into market share and increased revenue.