Since there's been a discussion on my church Yahoo Group about the origins of liberalism and capitalism, I started researching books to read on the subject. I came across The Prince by Machiavelli and I was reminded of how my first love in college used to tell me I was "The Machiavellian Princess". I never knew what he meant by that since I had never read the book and when I asked him, he said that he saw me in the future as a chain smoking, three time divorced, corporate VP on my fourth husband and with three bratty kids.

As I was 18 when he predicted my future, I was naturally flattered. Me, corporate VP, how strange. As I grew older, I came to realized it was one of those backhanded compliments. But then I think he sort of thought of himself as the Machiavellian Prince, so of course, I had to be the Princess.

Funny isn't it, that being politically aware as I am, that I never bothered to take a political science course. If I had taken one, as all my friends in college did, I would have had to read Machiavelli. My first love said I would have aced Political Science, but at the time, I didn't know I was interested politics and politics was a boring subject to me since I had grown up in a politically aware household.

Well, I never did grow up to be the chain smoking corporate VP, although at some corps I worked at, I was on the periphery of that elite circle of employees. As soon as I started working, I knew i didn't want to be under the pressure of a management job. Oh sure, I was curious, but not curious enought to really want it and they're right when they say, to get to the top, you've got to want it bad, real bad.

At my job prior to the one I'm at now, I worked for a female CIO. She liked me and I was hired to be her financial analyst of sorts. It was my job to see that she didn't spend too many millions of dollars and to keep track of the millions she was spending. We liked each other and became very good friends, like sisters sort of. She was older and I saw her as my hardworking successful sister.

I got to see first hand what it was like to be a female in a top position and what I saw was frightening. People at the job knew we were close, so they loved telling me all the rumors they'd heard about her. Everyone thought she was incompetent and had slept with the CEO at a previous job to get this one, at least that was the rumor. Everyone below her wanted to be her or be close to her. I was close to her because of my job, it's not something I coveted, it was a function of my job. And I will admit, I wanted to be her when I first started, but after seeing how many people hated her and all the shit they said about her, I decided that being in a position of that much power in a corporation is so not worth the trouble.

Everything she did was looked at through a microscope. If she was too friendly to a male manager, everyone thought she was sleeping with him. Her clothes, her hair, her shoes, her choice of laptop and even her jewerly were all up for discussion. She was lucky she was a perfect size 4 or the discussion would have very nasty. My boss worked her bunnies off and she was still criticized. But she was a cool customer. She never lost her temper, she was always professional and I knew people in the office often remarked how professional she was at all times. She never let anyone hear her real opinions except for me and the director that hired me. She was always cheerful and optimistic and always coming up with new projects. And I knew the stress of the job got to her, because she told me she could only sleep 4 or 5 hours a night.

If I needed it confirmed again, why I didn't want to be a corporate VP, she confirmed it. My last love, Brian, like my first love, Michael, told me he could see me as a VP of some company. He kept encouraging me to get that kind of position. It's all so strange that he would say that, because he knew I hated the whole VP thing. He just kept saying I would be very good at it because I understood office politics and could drive a project to completion. Needless to say, I still have yet to become a corporate VP and have no intention of doing so, if I can help it.

So, I guess it's about time to read some Machiavelli after all these years. Maybe I will finally be able to see what two of the most important loves of my life have said I have a instinctive knack for. Besides, I want to be very well versed in the origins of capitalism and liberalism, so I can add some decent feedback to my church 9/11 discussion one of these days.

I still have such a long way to to go on my studies. I want to read Locke, Hume, Rousseau, Adam Smith, reread Plato and Aristotle, Mills, Hobbes and Burke. And that's just the origins part. But Machiavelli is a good place to start since he and his theories seem to be an odd letmotif running through my life.

Monster's Ball is a good movie. I only watched it because Halle Berry was nominated for an academy award and I wanted to see her performance. She is playing against type, like Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich, and I think you get nominated just because other actors voting know how hard it is to play against your type. She did a good job although I'm not quite sure this performance is Oscar worthy. Halle did a much better performance in Warren Beatty's Bulworth and she wasn't nominated in that year, so if she gets an Oscar, I think it will be because she was neglected for Bulworth.

Bulworth was such a brilliant movie. Too bad the critics ignored it, although Warry Beatty was nominaed for the screenplay.

And Mr. Billy Bob Thornton. I couldn't imagine why women like Laura Dern and Angelina Jolie were so into this guy, but this movie showed me why. God, the man is hot! He was oozing southern gentlemanly charm; that little boyishness, the manners and the cruelty just below the surface but tempered by gentleness and those manners and that cute accent. Damn, that combination of traits is attractive in a man. He's like your father, your first crush in grade school, your first boyfriend and your fantasy caveman all rolled into one. It's a powerful combination. Nice body too.

Just for fun, I read all the movie reviews just to see what the critics were saying. I'm really starting the hate Salon.com. Their review of this movie was horrid. They rant and rage for no apparent reason over really stupid details of a movie and then give you three sentences about the movie. Maybe they don't undestand movies and that's why the rant and rage for most of it and then give you a 5th grade book report. Whoever is reviewing their movies should read some Pauline Kael and Andrew Saris movie review to see the real movie critics at work. Maybe I'm too old for their reading audience, but I like movie reviews to be philosophical and written from the perspective of someone who loves movies and knows them. I don't think movie reviews written by someone who wouldn't know a great movie if it sat down next to them and slapped them upside the head.

When a company doesn't make any money, you have to wonder why. People like to make excuses about slow business periods, not enough exposure, etc. They never tell you that the company isn't making any money maybe because they have a really bad product. Well, Salon.com isn't doing well financially because they have sucky product.

But I don't know. Maybe I'm not hip enough, not GenX enough like their typical reader but I know a bad movie review when I read one.

My flu or maybe it was bad allergic reactions from all the pollen are gone now. Thank god! This was Day 11. I slept through the night last night for the first time without having to wake up and cough for 10 minutes straight.

The new eating plan is going well. I had the worse caffeine withdrawal headache on Tuesday and I had to down tons of aspirin to get through the rest of the day. I still like drinking a hot beverage in the morning so I make decaf coffee instead. I'm a little more tired in the afternoon at work, bu I can't tell if my exhaustion is from lack of sleep or lack of caffeine.

I have my appointment in Berkeley tomorrow with my holistic healer. He's supposed to let me know if the parasite killer pills are working. I think they are. My jeans are looser this week but I don't know if the cause is from going off sugar, caffeine and carbos or from my parasites dying off. Maybe it's a combination of both.

I filed my taxes last night. What a drag! It makes me think about becoming a republican. I pay so much in taxes. I never wanted to own property, but it seems like the mortgage interest deduction is the only tax break left. I think I might have made a mistake in calculating my taxes because I didn't include my charitable deductions for the year. I'll check tonight. I don't think it will make a difference but I'll review anyway. If I can't get the deduction this year, I know I'll be able to take the deduction next year and add last year's charity giving to get a bigger deduction.

My church is starting to discuss the war on terrorism. Finally. I thought most of the church people would be left over peacenik hippies but I should have known better. They support the war on terrorism like me. Even this one woman who is the resident earth mommy in the church said she was called a "hawk" by her liberal friends. I was thinkig about finding another church, but where am I going to find a more educated and faithful group of people like the church members?

The majority of the members are very well educated, either through private school education and/or through Ivy League or Ivy League type colleges and universities. Many of them have two or three degrees under their belt. Most of them are fairly well to do. And they're pragmatic and centrists like me. This 9/11 discussion has quelled my desire to leave the church for now. I like these people and I'm afraid if I leave to go to another church, I won't find the level of intellect I have at my church.

The church members are just so smart. There's a discussion going on about the origins of liberalism and the free market and is the christian church compatible. Members are bringing in history, quoting Adam Smith and John Locke, recommending books to read and are seriously looking at the effect of 9/11 on faith. It's all so interesting. There are those few members who argue current events without any thought to history like we live in some kind of vacuum or who spout the liberal party line without any philosophical understanding of the origins of capitalism, liberalism and the free market. Their comments blaringly announcing their naivete, their ignorance and their immature way of trying to categorize everything down to black and white issues.

It's like HELLO! What kind of world do you live in? It hasn't been black and white world for a long time, if ever. They don't want to talk details because they say it's esoteric. Liars! They don't want to talk details because then we get to see that these same 60's type don't know shit about history or economic theory or the history of their own beloved liberalism. Whatever. Thank god, the rest of the church members aren't like this. They use their intellect and their faith to discuss serious issues. They don't buy the soundbites they hear on TV or the media hype. They know the world is complicated and in a zillion shades of gray. And finally, they know that you need faith to understand it all.

So the California primaries are over and it looks like it's going to be an interesting election cycle. I voted and you can thank my parents for that. My parents took politics and voting seriously. When they emigrated to this country, they never took for granted the right to vote, a right they didn't have in their home country. I spent much of my childhood listening to political debates on TV and in my own house. My father was a hard core democrat, working his way up the union ranks to a leadership position. He was often involved in local, state and national election events.

Although I think I remain true to my democrat roots, my own pragmatism has moved me more towards the center and sometimes even to the right on some social issues. I'm not sure my father would approve of my politics, but I know he would be proud that I am politically aware and that I eagerly vote.

When I vote, I feel like I participate in my small way in the running of this country. Voting gives me right to complain and to argue the political issues of the day. I think people who don't participate in this most simple act of democacy, voting, have absolutely no right to complain about the government. They don't participate, so they can't complain.

After the Florida voting debacle and the events of 9/11, how can you not vote?

Wow! After my descent into I'm not a writer at all hell, I was able to pull myself out of it somehow. Thank god for I spent thousands of dollarsand countless hours on growth and development seminars because I have tools to pull myself out of any funk. They never give you tools, at least I don't remember if they did or not, to never get yourself into a blue mood, but they gave you countless tools to get yourself out of one. Perhaps descents into writing hell is part of being an artist. I don't know.

All I know is I'm glad I'm out of the hell for awhile and, of course due to those G&D seminars, I have a plan to turn my life around. Or let's just say, I decided I have more tools at my disposal than I know what to do with and can at least draw a roadmap back to normal happiness. And lo and behold, I've got two pyramids. You gotta have a pyramid, three things you need to for success. Besides you use the pyramid images because it's the most stable because of the base, and the most uplifting because of the third peak point.

One pyramid is for my writing self esteem, which as you have read is practically non existent. The second pyramid is for writing stories, just three tools I know I can use to finish a story.

Now, if I can just invent a pyramid to tackle my procastination, I'll be set for life. Or least, till my next writing crisis comes.