So my good mood is still continuing, although it's kind of fading. I'm so neurotic that I'm waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, and wondering when it was going to get bad again. I just wish I knew why I was in such a good mood. I've been going to bed early from exhaustion, and I'm starting to wonder if the reason I'm feeling good is because I've actually been sleeping well these last two days.

But would sleep making me rub my hands together and say "wwwwweeeeee!" in a childlike squeaky voice?

So my good mood continued this morning, and it's driving me nuts on some level because I can't figure out why I'm so happy. I want to figure it out so I can reproduce the feeling again. It's like I'm a little kid and I clap my hands and say "whhheeeee!" like I'm having so much fun, and it's so darn disconcerting because I don't think I've changed anything in my life. My life is the same traumarama it was yesterday morning, except now I'm happy about it.

What the heck is going on? I want to bottle this stuff because it's an amazingly incredible feeling, like things are all going to work out and work out very well.

So I've been journaling all night long and just writing and writing about what's going on with my life, and all the things that are going on. I haven't done that in so long. And OH MY GOD, I'm like so happy again. It's wild, like so dang wild! I don't know. It feels like whatever thoughts were swirling and whirling around in my head are now out on paper, and my mind is free. And when my mind is free of chaotic thoughts, guess what? I feel happy!

I'm sitting here laughing and giggling and thinking wouldn't it be fun to wake up tomorrow and realize that every truth you ever thought about yourself was totally false, and what that would mean for your life. You could throw your whole life up in the air and see where it lands. I mean, how cool would that be, to create a totally different life from the one you already have.

I haven't done that in years. Take my life, and throw it up in the air and start over. It's a trip to start over, to start from scratch, start from zero, and recreate something way much better than what you already have. Sure it's scary as heck, but boy is it a ton of fun!

The urge to do this again is so strong. All it would take I think is to think a different way, make different choices, and once you do that, you instantly start leading a different life. I don't ever want this amazingly happy feeling to end.

It's so hard to describe. It feels like everything is going to work out. I mean, it always does for me, always, but I rarely do I ever feel this ecstatic about it. How do I make this feeling last? I want to feel like this for the rest of my life. That whatever is going to happen in my life is going to work out, and work out for the best, and that I'm being held so tightly in the palm of God's hand that I feel safe and loved and protected and happy. It's so cool!

It's really been years where I've felt like this. Where I'm just giggling for no reason, like I've won some lottery in life, when in reality nothing is my life has actually changed except maybe my attitude about it. And the only thing that I've done is write and write for hours on end, and live in the world of my own mind, my own head for a few hours.

What a great feeling, to live in your own thoughts for a few hours, and then to come out of it thinking, gosh I lead a great life. Maybe not the best life in anyone else's eyes but my own, but I wouldn't trade the happiness that I'm feeling now for anything in the world.

The whole experience is just tripping me out, and I know it's not going to last. I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow, feeling my usual sort of miserable self. But at least I'll have the memory of tonight to remember and savour and wonder about for years.

I talked for a long time to a friend of mine about my traumarama life, and she said that it's obvious I'm not ready for a serious relationship yet because if I was I wouldn't be having the problems I'm having with red-haired guy.

I think she might be right. With my job and my feeble attempts to write, I just don't have that much time and energy for a full-blown long term relationship. It wouldn't be fair to any guy, and it hasn't been in the past, to be in a relationship with me. Believe me, enough men have told me this for me to know it's the truth.

Steve said it, Charlie said, and Chris said it. So maybe it's true.

Maybe it's the full moon, but my life is one big traumarama.

Red-headed guy and I had huge fight at Gordon Biersch when he came to pick me up for lunch yesterday. What can I say about him? He's a bit of a slime, and it's a long stupid story that I'm not about to get into on this blog. He asked the waiter at Gordon Biersch for a knife to slit his wrist, and I told the waitress I lost my appetite. And I alternate between hating him and loving him, and thinking I really need to get myself back into therapy right now and break up with him.

So I pray, like I haven't been praying big time since we met, for JC to give me a sign of what to do. It's that catholic girl coming out in me; I need signs! So either the signs have been coming and I'm too blind to see them or they're not coming at all. Not quite sure which is happening. In my prayer and meditation, JC says "this is a holy relationship, a teaching relationship, and this is about surrendering to God's plan for my life." I don't know what the plan is, and from what I can tell it so doesn't make sense, and I all I can do is follow along. And JC reminds me constantly that "I've never been good ever at surrender and following his plans for my life". So maybe this is the only way he could get through to me ... I don't know.

All I know is my gut instinct tells me, screams at me, that this thing between us has to play out. Like Paul in the sci-fi series "Dune", my intuition keeps telling me "things must play out to their logical conclusion". To what conclusion I have no idea, but events have to unfold and I have to let them.

My brain however says a different thing, and my logical mind is fuming right now. My heart and body are way too involved, so they're no good.

But in the midst of the traumarama, I wrote six pages of my Texas novel last night. So maybe this has something to do with my writing, and if I can just focus on that everything else will work out.

Because my job is not the answer to making me happy; I've already been shown that. And I guess being in a relationship that heads towards marriage is not going to make me happy either, at least until I become serious about my writing.

Writing is the only thing that seems to make me happy these days, and it feels like the universe has backed me into a corner on this one. And I'm not happy about it. I'm sure JC is up there chuckling about it all, that he's got my number, that he's going to teach me a lesson in obedience, that he's the supreme ruler of my life, and that there's very little I can do about it, that he's had enough of my stubborn indepedent ways and my cunning ways of backing out of the plans he's had for me in the past.

Okay, so I'm putting an ultra spiritual spin on the messed up events of current life but there's nothing else that explains what the heck is happening right now. I get thrown for a humungous loop when events in my life unfold without making sense, and there isn't an instruction book out there for me to read from so I get it right. And I have to get it right, don't I?