So a friend of mine warned me and I didn't listen, but staying this long at a relatives is proving way too long. I am so bored and I think we're kind of getting on each other's nerves. I'm counting down the days till I have to go home.

The holidays are stressful enough without having a relative like me overstay her welcome. Maybe family visits should be like a cold, very short. Oh well, I'll know better next time.

So my blog isn't broken after all, but on my cousin's browser it just doesn't show up right and I don't know how to fix it. I'm blogging from my work laptop which I brought with me to do some work, and my blog looks fine with my work browser.

So Happy Belated Christmas from Fort Worth Texas. I deleted my last post in an attempt to fix it.

The weather here is mild and in the 60's. Fort Worth is definitely not Dallas, and I am definitely not in a big city anymore.

My cousin has been taking me shopping, and it's not fun only because I can't find clothes I want to buy. I'm starting to realize why people freak out when they shop in Union Square in San Francisco. There is just so much clothing to choose from there than there is here. I love shopping in NYC only because I think NYC has way more clothes than I can ever find in San Francisco, but not so in Fort Worth.

I felt bad because my cousin took me to a mall and I went into a couple of department stores, Foley and Dillards, and I'm like okay where are all the brands of clothes I'm used to buying. I saw brands I'd never heard of and in styles I've never seen or want to see ever again. I finally had to go into Nordstrom to buy a lighter sweater. I didn't want to buy anything in Nordstrom, but they were the only store who had anything I wanted to buy. So scary too because the Nordstrom in Fort Worth pulled me up in their database and they knew I was from San Francisco.

I bought another lighter jacket at another mall at Tommy Hilfiger. Again, I didn't want to buy something from there but it was the only store that clothes I would want to buy.

All the teenagers here wear clothes from this store called "Hollister", so I went in there to check it out. It's like so funny because the store markets the southern california surfer lifestyle and clothes to teenagers in Texas. The line in the store was so long. And the clothes aren't that great either. It's like thrift shop surfer dude threads with sweatshirt hoodies that say "Hollister" or "Laguna Beach".

I was in the store and it was so packed and the line was so long. I wanted to buy a long sleeve t-shirt just to have a shirt that would remind me of the Texas teenybops I was seeing, but I couldn't handle the line.

I did get to check out a Dell Inspiron 700m, and it's a great laptop. I've been wanting to see one for a long time and I'm pretty sure it's the computer I want to buy for myself. It is so small, like a Sony but not so expensive, and it looks like it could easily fit into my purse.

I'm have a relaxing vacation, but I think my decision to stay here through New Years was a mistake. There's really not much to do here except shop, and my cousin hates to drive into Dallas. Oh well. At least I'm relaxing and doing some writing.

My blog is broken and I don't know why, and I'm not at home to fix it. If you can tell me how to fix it, please email me. It's so annoying!

I can't sleep. I'm flying to Texas for the holidays to see my cousin and her daughter tomorrow, and I can never sleep before flying. I'm too amped up.

I talked to a friend of mine who considers herself a "psychic" and she did a reading for me. She wants to do it for a living, but she doesn't know if she can make a decent living at it. Anyway, she said a new man was entering into my life in the next four months. She confirmed that the RHG hasn't given up, just as I thought, but if I can just say no for another couple of months he'll eventually give up.

My friend's hit rate is about 50% so if either of her predictions come true I'll be happy. I have been feeling that a new love is around the corner, but I don't feel that the RHG will ever give up. But a friend from writing group said that the RHG can't give me up because of his ego, because I dumped him first and he only wants me back so he can be the one to do the dumping. Whatever.

My friend's reading really, really cheered me up and inwardly I felt there was some validity to her reading. She said she kept seeing February as a turning point. If I can tell myself that I'll only have to put up with these RHG feelings for another couple of months, then I think I can deal with it. And with the way time seems to be zipping by, March is not very far away.

I think I made myself think I was in love the RHG because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was just having a fling. I'm really not a flingie kind of girl. So I think I told myself it was one of those doomed romantic kinds of love so I could deal with it and not have to feel any guilt. Of course, the love thing didn't stop the guilt but it was better than saying I was in it just for the sex, and didn't give a hoot about the RHG.

I'm pathetic aren't I? I'm sure he did the same thing and made himself believe it was love so he could justify it to himself as well, so he wouldn't think he was some kind of Don Juan. I wonder how bad karma is that? Using love as an excuse to justify bad behaviour. Love made me do it! It's so lame isn't it, and really cheapens love. My only excuse is I never said love first, he did, and I just followed his lead. And before the very end he told me he loved me three times on the phone and I didn't say it back. It was an awkward silence. But I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't lie to him or myself.

I hope I never have to go through that experience again. That was bad. Hearing a guy say I love you and having no urge to say "I love you" back. Talk about "real" moment.

Work these last two days has been kind of fun. I was in a Microsoft Project class taught by a guy who was one of the original programmers of the software. He really knew his stuff, and I learned some good tips on how to make the software work.

It was kind of bad timing to be in the class though. My boss lent me out for a project last week and after the project manager found out I was in class for two days, she took the task I was working on back. I had done about 25% of it and I thought I could finish it, but she wanted it down this week. Whatever. Then I had to turn over something else I normally do for client presentations to someone else and I felt kind of bad about doing that, but my boss said I can't do everything.

After work I went to get a manicure and pedicure and to get my brows and lips waxed to death. No big deal right? I hadn't been to the salon in about two months, which my manicurist reminded me of, and I wanted them done for my holiday trip.

In the middle of my pedicure, I felt an incredible wave of anxiety. Like where it came from I don't know, but since I was at the salon I couldn't just sit there and start crying. It wasn't until I came home that the anxiety started again and the incredible sadness I felt most overwhelmingly on Monday came back. Where it came from or what triggered it is a mystery to me. I was actually in a good mood all day until then.

I'm such a sad sack. I put on my pj's, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, only to wake up every few hours and wonder why I was in this mess with RHG, when it was ever going to end, and why I can't just shake the idiot free. It's so maddening to have to go through this, to feel like it's never going to end, to feel like I'm going be going through this for a long time, that the man will not give up, and that somehow I caused this all to happen only because I wanted to have a little fun.

I've been on such a writing roll too. I've been writing every day since last Wednesday. I took Sunday off, and then had to take Monday off because I was depressed. I wrote for 1.5 hours on Tuesday and was full intending to write last night when the depression hit.

These last two episodes are somehow different too. I was in heart-break these last few weeks, and now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have a great life, had a great life until the RHG showed up. I wish I didn't have the feeling that he'll come back, that he'll never ever give up, and that someday we'll end up together. These feelings freak me out. I don't want him back honestly. I'm so sick of the whole thing that I just want it to be over! Like at this point it doesn't matter what I feel about him, I just want it to end, to be finito.

It was probably a mistake to want a clean break, to leave while I still had feelings. I should have just stuck it out like I normally do and let it get really bad, so bad, that by the time I wanted out we would have hated each other so much that there would be no contact. Or conversely, wait for RHG to dump me like a hot potato. Then I could hate him, and rag on him to all my friends, and just go on and on about what an jerk he was and how he didn't deserve me.

This is the third time I've tried to leave a relationship like this, and this is the third time it's been just another huge disaster. I don't care what anyone says; there is no good way to leave any relationship. What works best is to leave like any normal person would; just wait till you get dumped or you mutually really hate each other. Most people know what to do and how to feel when a relationship ends that way. If you try to end it any other way, people get confused and messes like the one I'm in happens.

So Monday was a bad day, but then Tuesday was so much better. Whatever anxiety and unease I was feeling melted away with the Tuesday morning sun. After work I typed up the last of my what I had written for chapter 10 of my Texas novel. Handwriting stories is easy and often very convenient, but then typing them up can be a pain sometimes. I probably need to do a combination of both, handwrite the stories sometimes and then type them into a computer the other times.

Then I went to a writing group meeting, which was fun because we hadn't seen each other in ages and it was great to get caught up. It was also the Winter Solstice that day, so it was like we were celebrating the ancient holiday.

I was also able to talk about RHG (the red-haired guy) with my group, and had a bunch of great insights into the whole thing. It's good to hear many different perspectives on your life sometimes. The bar we were at was also playing 80's music, and it was so nostalgic for me. 80's music and trends are so in right now. I can't believe I still know the words to almost every Elvis Costello song, not to mention The English Beat songs as well. If they had played Pere Ubu or Joy Division, I would have been in 80's heaven.

So my anxiety ratcheted up on Sunday, which was bad. I managed to get myself off to see the Mayan exhibit at the Legion of Honor before it closes. The Mayan stuff is cool and so ancient. They had the cutest little statues with these adorable faces. Of course there was nothing about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 which pepole are just obsessed about, but I guess it has nothing do with their art.

I had a really bad night on Monday. I felt so sorry myself, getting into this mess with the red-haired guy. I've been so good, trying to be so careful about who I get involved with, and I feel like I really let myself down this time all because I just wanted to have a little fun. It's so unfair because other women can have fun flirts with guys, and end it without the guy constantly calling and wanting more. I always seem to get the obsessive types who are stubborn and can't spell.

I think God is punishing me by sending me a freak so I never do this type of thing again. And I'm like, okay, okay, I learned my lesson, enough already, make him go away, I won't ever do this type of thing again, I promise.

The last time this happened, which was about 5 years, I almost lost a friendship over it. Some guy got interested in me, who as the object of my friend's crush, so I stepped aside. He was mean to me for a long time after I rejected him, but he kind of never stopped trying much to the annoyance of my friend. I don't she ever quite got over it.

Same kind of circumstance. We had partner in class for an hour, and in an hour the guy decided I was someone he wanted to get to know in a serious way. I wasn't even really that interested in him, but he was in me. I mean, he would have been a good friend and all that but that was the extent of my interest.

I swear to god, it never works for me to talk to a guy for an hour unless I'm really interested in him. It just causes so many problems. I just felt so sorry for myself last night and cried myself to sleep. I felt better when I woke up this morning, and decided to just relax. I mean, what's the worse that can happen right? And I'm a survivor, I've been through worse than this. I can take care of myself. I just hope these are my famous last words. Red-haired guy is just darn unpredictable and stubborn. He must have some Taurus in him, even though he's a Virgo. The Taurus men in my life have been famous for never getting over me ever.

If you're into cars and you're in San Francisco, go to SFMOMA. They have a beautiful 1965 jaguar car in an exhibit on Glamour. They also have a 2004 Bentley. Those cars are just so cool. They also have some couture gowns which are fun to look at. My faves were the Christian Dior and the Chanel gowns. Couture gowns are all about fabric and architecture, and you better have the perfect body to show those concepts off.

So like a bad penny that keeps showing up red-haired guy called me at my work number on Thursday. He hasn't called at that number since we first met. He is such a piece of work. I knew he was going to call back, it was jus a matter of when and sure enough he did; 29 days after we broke up.

He said he missed me and wanted to get together for some christmas cheer. God, the man is just hard to shake. I read him the riot act and told him to never call me again, and then I felt bad for doing that, so I sent him an email and said he could call but not too often. But then a friend said that was worst.

The man is just so confusing. Everything I've tried to get rid of him that would have worked on any guy has not worked. I called my boss on Friday from home because I was at an offsite meeting all day Friday and she thought I was coming back into the office. I told her what was going on and she gave me a new way to try. So I took her advice called red-haired guy's blackberry and told him.

15 minutes after I called I felt like everything was over between us, but then something in my mind shimmered and then I received the feeling that he hasn't given up yet, that he's never going to ever give up, and I think I made the situation worse somehow. It's kind of been freaking me out because I've been in such a better mood since December 9.

But this morning I decided that it doesn't matter if he calls back, I'll just figure out another way to shine him on and one day one of those ways will work and he'll be gone forever. Either he'll be gone or we're going to end up married. I don't care either way actually. If he could fix his issues, I think he'd be a good match. And if we don't end up together, I'm fine with that too because I got the feeling again this morning that I'm going to have a new love soon.

Talk about a voice from the past. I just received a call at work from a woman who attended a year-long seminar with me seven years ago. She works for a company who sponsored a webconference I attended last month. Then the woman tells me she interviewed for a couple of positions at my company. What a small, small world.

This woman gave me the best advice when we had lunch at Farralon which moved to cocktails at Postrio later. I had just taken a job at my first healthcare company and I was freaking out because I had taken a pay cut for the job, although my boss gave me a signing bonus to make up for it. I felt like I was really taking a step back in my career development paywise, industry wise, blah, blah, blah.

Terry told me sometimes a step back isn't that bad and that good things will come of it. And you know what, seven years late she was right. That move to the healthcare company turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I made up for the financial set back in pay in my next job. I learned so much from that job down the Peninsula, knowledge I probably wouldn't have gained any other way.

I've actually been thinking about the lunch I had with Terry and wondering if I really took a humongous step back in my emotional development with my silly flingie with the red-haired guy. But now hearing from Terry after all these years, I'm thinking maybe not. Hopefully I did learn something which will help propel me forward into my next and hopefully better relationship. It's a sign, I think, a good sign.

My second somewhat blissful day. No anxiety and I went to bed last night thinking I'm going to have a new love. Not sure what this means because the feeling was "new love" not "new boyfriend", so the "new love" could be anything.

I threw out all my old magazines from 1998-2000. I love keeping my old magazines, but they take up so much room. It was an emotional experience, like throwing out a part of myself and all my memories from those years.

Red-haired guy showed during up in my tibetan buddhist meditation session. I used to hate when he did that and stopped meditating because of it, but I was okay with it last night. He was standing next to JC, and I'm not sure what that means. I kind of muttered a complaint, but JC said it was okay that he was there. Whatever. There's a part of the meditation where you visualize leaving a temple and red-haired guy tried to hold my hand. That's never happened before and it was really sweet. I hope it's a good sign of something.

Okay, this insight is now freaking me and bringing tears to my eyes. Anxiety is all about doubt, doubt that God is there in your life and taking care of everything, doubt that you have the ability to handle whatever situation you're presently facing.

I didn't get this one, and it's so simple it's like DUH! I thought my anxiety was maybe everything else that was going on in my life but not doubt. I thought I had pretty strong faith, but I guess not.

Maybe faith is like listening. The extent to which you listen is about the extent to which you know you don't listen. I always thought I was a good listener, until I watched how much my wondered when I was listening to someone.

So having a strong faith would be the extent to which you have faith is about the extent to which you know you don't have faith, which would mean paying attention to the times you doubt. But doubt is so subtle and it sneaks up on you, and all the great spiritual teachers say that doubt is the last to go, always the last and the hardest to give up.

Not having doubt would mean complete surrender and I've never been able to achieve that ever, because I'm too smart and I think I always know better. And I love being smart and thinking of myself as smart and just thinking in general, and yet it always stands in the way, always shows up as a huge weakness in my life. But how you can stop doing something that comes so naturally? It's like so painful and so hard.

I just got what I think is a cool insight today. There's this thing I've been fearing might happen or might not happen. I wasn't really looking forward to either result, and it was driving me crazy. But then today I realized that if the thing happens that I fear, it will be fine because my life always works out and I can adapt easily to all kinds of situations. And if the thing doesn't happen, then that result will be fine as well that means the situation has ended and I can look forward to another thing starting up.

So like whatever happens I can't lose really, and I'm like so glad because I like to think of myself as a person who always lands on their two feet. I might be a little wobbly at first, maybe a little more than hurt and wounded but basically intact and able to move forward.

I heard a great sermon on TV this Sunday and the preacher kept saying that in the bible it says "This too will pass". And you know what, the preacher man is right. Life is always changing, never staying the same. If there's anything I can count on in life is that it's going to change, and this is a good thing. Change is good. Change means that bad situations get better. And isn't this a good thing?

I have been living out scenes like Mia Farrow's character in Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose", which is one of my favourite movies. If you've seen the movie, you'll get the reference.

I don't want to jinx myself but I woke up happy today, happier anyway that I've been since November 29. I hope it lasts and lasts and lasts. This is my one christmas wish, that whatever anxiety I've been going through these last few months stop and I go back to being somewhat carefree and happy go lucky self who loved the life she was leading.

I went through my writing papers today, and I found 15 writing projects that I've started and are in various stages of completion. There are stories I finished, and I want to keep working on. There are stories I started, and I'm not even sure I'm even interested in writing them anymore. I found some notes for a weird story I was interested in writing called "The Unsettler", and I couldn't believe I had written this story about a group of murders taking place in the West Virginia hills. I'm reading my own handwriting and thinking, where the heck did I get this idea from?

I'm going to type up the notes for the story only because they're so bizarre, but I'm not sure I'm ready to write a murder story. I'd like the story to be a short story or maybe a novella, but not another long novel. Novels take so long to write, and I don't have the patience for writing them.

I'd like to at least finish one story this year and I decided that since I'm going to Texas for the holidays, I figured I might as well finish the novel I started in 2003 called "Texas is a state of mind". I've got 3.5 chapters to go. I managed to finish 1.5 chapters this year, which is sad.

My writing productivity for 2004 has just been really, really bad. The stress of having to find a new job, then starting a new job really took a toll on my writing. I started writing again just before red-haired guy came into my life, but then things went emotionally haywire for me and my creative writing practically ceased. I've been writing like mad in my personal journal, but not story writing at all.

I've got to really get a handle on that in 2005. I think my life functions much happier when I'm writing and I feel productive and creative. I have to figure out how to make writing a habit. Journal writing is a habit for me. Blogging is habitual most of the time. But I can't seem to make creative wriitng a habit.

Some people at Nanowrimo were blogging their novels online. That would be wild to post a novel entry every day for people to read. It would be bad first draft writing and who wants to come across that and read it on the screen. Yucky!

I'd like 2005 to be a big breakthrough year for me with my writing, where I develop good writing habits and start finishing stories and sending them out. I think it's the next step in my writing process, but I have no idea what I'm going to have to do, have to give up in my life to get to that point.

I had a really great and productive day yesterday. I went to see my kineseologist for my bimonthly visit and he brought my energy back up to 96%. Most people's energy is at 80 something percent, so to be at 96% is a good thing. Then I had a training session with my japanese Ki energy trainer. I've had four sessions with him so far, but I decided to discontinue it. I wasn't sure it was working, although I loved hearing about the philosophy of going with the flow. He said I was good at it, even though I never ever practice.

Then it was back to the city for a shopping and a haircut. Shopping at Union Square isn't all that crowded to me, and all the stores are having sales. I get the feeling that most people aren't really too many things. I see a lot of people without shopping bags. I mailed off three presents at the post office in Macy's basement. I keep forgetting there's a post office there, which is open on Sundays as well. I finished all my Christmas shopping! YEAH ME! Now I just have to send out the cards and mail more presents.

Next stop was Trader Joe's in the Inner Richmond. The place is such a traffic nightmare. There is definitely not enough parking for that store. I parked a block away, and walked to the store since I wasn't shopping for that many items. I bought some St. John's Wort, which is like natural prozac. I used to take it when I working at the startups to calm my nerves, and it did help. I'm hoping it will help me calm my anxiety down.

My final appointment of the day was at my accupuncturist. Sad isn't it? I need a team of alternative healers to keep me functional, which costs a ton of money but which makes me feel good and happy. I don't have back problems, my energy is good, I only need 5-6 hours of sleep a night, my skin is decent, and I think generally my health is decent considering all the problems I used to have.

I even made a stop at the bank on the way home to deposit some checks. Then I spent the rest of the night watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring". What a great movie. I'm definitely watching it again tonight.

Damn! I was just in the middle of typing a really nice post when I accidentally deleted the whole dang thing. I hate that! Okay, here I go again.

I feel so much better tonight. I had a little anxiety when I came home tonight, but it was just a twinge.

Damn! Damn! Damn! I hate when I have to type over a post. I was into a roll talking about how I had no regrets in life. How my current job turned out to be a really good decision this year. It's not the perfect job, no job I feel will ever be that perfect, but I've got a great boss. The best boss I've had in a long time. Sure the woman gets on my nerves and I get peeved at her a ton, but she really is very good. This new job has also allowed me to meet most of my financial goals this year, while at the same time letting me spend money like it's going out of style.

I was kind of having regrets about the red-haired guy, but you know we had a good run. I knew my time with him was limited from the get go, and I did feel loved some of the time and I was able to let myself fall in love with him a little. And if I were to die today, I have nothing I need to say to him that I didn't already say. I left that relationship saying everything I needed to say so when I left I wouldn't have the feeling that I wished I'd told him this, I wish I'm told him that. I've been trying to do with all my relationships for a few years, because there is nothing worse than having relationship regrets.

The only thing I know I would regret if I were to die tonight, and I'm not sure what to think about this one, is I wish I'd written more. My list of accomplishments for my writing is about 10 plus items, and that's a piddly amount considering writing is something I think I'm actually good at and might want to do for a living some day. I have so many stories I wish I had gotten down on paper this year, so many short stories I wished I'd finished, four novels that I wish I'd finish, a screenplay that just needs 30 more pages to end, etc.

I never thought I'd ever have the thought that I had written more stories on my deathbed, but now I've had it. And it sucked and it was kind of sad. Sad because I keep thinking that if I could just sit my butt down in a chair and make myself write, I could have written more. I had the time, I just didn't have the discipline or desire maybe to do it. I don't know.

And with this now huge regret swirling around my head, I'm buying myself a laptop for my birthday in January. I'd buy one now, but I'm taking my work laptop with me on vacation in case an emergency comes up, and I don't want to be travelling with two laptops. I know a new toy like a laptop might really movitate me to write.

I keep telling myself it would be so much easier if I had a laptop, and now I won't have that complaint anymore. I mean I'm even contemplating going to be earlier so I could get up and write. Since I've been anxiety ridden these last few weeks, I've been going to bed at 10 or 11 pm, and waking up at 5 am. I can't sleep more than six hours without getting up. If I keep gong to bed early, I could experiment with writing in the morning. I've never actually made my myself write in the morning other than doing morning pages a few years back. Of course I'd have to fit in more writing after work before I go to the gym at 7 pm, but the more hours to write to better I say.

Last night I felt way better. I didn't hardly have any anxiety and this morning and today, I've been better. Not sure what is going on, but I'm glad the anxiety has subsided. I told my boss at work what was going on when she asked if there was "anything going on". I don't think I've been myself at work lately. She knows about my relationship with the red-haired guy and how up and down it's been. I think she was worried.

So I've been doing my list of accomplishment and under Money and Finance, I've come up with 24 things I can be proud of. I have not been paying attention to my finances at all these last four months and thought I was spending money wildly, but I haven't been that bad. I've really started to set up my life up so I save money automatically and it really, really helps. I fell short of my savings goals this year because I went on furniture buying binge, but I think I can make up for it next year if I go back to my tight wad ways.

I love having money in the bank! And I think by July if all goes well, I will be credit card debt free! Yeah me! Then I'll just have my car payment left and that will be finished by the end of 2005. I want to buy a laptop so badly and go on vacation, but I think I'll wait till after July. Not sure if I can wait on the laptop though.

If I can ever decide on which laptop to buy, I think it will be my only major purchase for next year. I'm thinking I need a new printer as well as my very old HP from 1998 is starting to not feed paper, but I saw one I liked at Costco for $200. My 1998 monitor is about to die as well and a friend of mine is trying to convince me to buy a flat screen monitor. I don't think they're that expensive, so I may just buy it one of these days.

I think I've done enough major apartment upgrading for now, and the laptop is the only thing that I really, really, reallly want.

I just started doing my 4th quarter accomplishments for work, and I'm always amazed by how much work I completed in three months. I always get this feeling at work that I don't do enough, but then when I look at my list of over 35+ plus projects I've completed, I'm like I work really hard. It just never feels like I work hard because I'm not doing any overtime and I book out at 5 pm every night on the dot. But my list of completed projects is really, really long!

I'm thinking I need to start a list of accomplishments for my life and my writing every quarter as well, because right now it feels like I'm such a lazy little slug. I know I'm not, but it sure as heck feels that way.

But I know I've done a lot like ...
1. changed jobs
2. bought a new bed and mattress
3. bought a new tv, dvd and vcr
4. bought a new stereo system
5. got published four times on the internet
6. opened a money market account
7. paid off all my credit cards except for one card
8. had dental surgery to correct bleeding gums
9. bought new glasses
10. bought a new lingere chest and new chest of drawers

And this is just the beginning.

The last few days have been bad. My anxiety attacks have just been unbelievable! I'm okay for the most part during the day, but at night I just start freaking and crying. I think grandma must have been worried about me since I had a particularly bad night last night, as I kept waking up in fear last night and decided I needed to say the "Our Father" prayer and some "Hail Mary" prayers thrown in just for good measure. It's amazing how that good catholic girl training comes in handy sometimes.

Anyway, when I walked into my kitchen this morning to make coffee the whole place smelled like grandma's kitchen at home on Kauai. I knew she was there haunting me and and letting me know she was worried about me. I usually completely freak out when I smell those home smells, but this morning I was comforted. I must have been in a pretty bad state for grandma to haunt me like that.

My sisters, who both suffer from anxiety attacks, said they've been going through this all their lives. I hate it, and I'm like why am I getting it now at this age? It's definitely an inherited thing, and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about it or am I just going to have to learn to live with it. Both my sisters swear their anxiety keeps them at their svelte size 4 and under. My anxiety attacks aren't doing a thing for my weight. I'm not losing any weight, but at least I'm not gaining any weight and I guess that's a good thing. I usually gain weight when I'm stressed out.

Just to get caught up, here's a recap of my Thanksgiving weekend.

I drove up to Redding California to visit my aunt and uncle on Wednesday. Redding is about a four drive up North or about 223 miles. I totally messed the time up and instead of leaving San Francisco by 3 pm, I left after 4 pm. This was a HUGE mistake. I got caught in a typical Bay Area Friday night commute home, with added day before Thankgiving traffic. It took me two hours to go from San Francisco to Richmond California, which is only about less than 30 mile drive. The traffic was horrendous, and I don't know how people can stand to do this commute every day.

Once I left the Bay Area, the traffic got better until I hit a five car pile up in Fairfield. That was a scary sight. I'd never seen five cars smashed all in a row like that. You see a sight like that and you think, what's the chances of that being me?

Once I got off i-80and went on 505 and then onto interstate 5, I was fine. I was flying and doing about 80-85 mph. My car is so fun to drive and very, very comfortable to sit in. I wasn't even sore so I didn't even stop and just hoofed it up there.

Driving on I-5 is a trip because it's nothing but huge, huge trucks. I hate driving near big trucks; they scare me. My car is way too small, and the one and only accident I had involved a big rig truck so the trucks just freak me out. I zipped around them as much as I could and I held my breath each time.

The four drive turned into a five hour drive, but considering I was in rush hour/pre thanksgiving traffic I probably made good time. My poor aunt and uncle thought I'd be there sooner, so they waited to have dinner until I got there. I told them I didn't think I'd be there till 10 pm, but they decided to wait anyway. I didn't know this of course, so I stopped at the McDonalds near their house for my dinner and got food through the drivethru. What a waste of good highway junk food! I ended up putting my Mickey D food in their fridge, and going out to dinner with them which they paid for. My uncle always pays for dinner.

My aunt and uncle moved up to Redding to retire and now that they have all this free time, they do nothing but gamble at all the indian casinos that are mushrooming up there. So of course after dinner, they took me to their favourite casino. My uncle plays poker, and he gives my aunt money to entertain herself by playing the slot machines or bingo if they have it. Since I was with them, my uncle handed me and my aunt a wad of money and said "Here, go enjoy yourself. I want to play cards."

Now I'm not into gambling, but since my uncle gave me some money and they both obviously wanted to enjoy themselves and I was staying with them, I gambled with them till 3 am. I lost all the money he gave me, but my aunt was luckier and doubled her stash. She is a very lucky gambler, and had won $800 last week at a slot machine.

It's unbelievable how many people are gambling their money away in the wee hours of the morning in an indian casino in northern california. People are really into it. And unlike Vegas or Atlantic City, they don't serve you free booze drinks at indian casinos. You can get free soft drinks, but no free alcohol. The indian casinos aren't as nice as the ones in Vegas as well. No sports betting, no fancy games. Just poker, bingo, slot machines, and blackjack. I don't think I even saw a craps table. Not that I think I ever took an inventory of a Las Vegas casino, but the indian casino we went to was definitely low rent.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be spending the start of a Thanksgiving holiday at a dumpy indian casino, but it was fun only because my aunt and uncle are so nice to hang with. My aunt is really sweet, and she was giving me motherly advice during our slot machine games.

Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.

But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.

You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.

It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.

Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.