I can't sleep. I'm flying to Texas for the holidays to see my cousin and her daughter tomorrow, and I can never sleep before flying. I'm too amped up.

I talked to a friend of mine who considers herself a "psychic" and she did a reading for me. She wants to do it for a living, but she doesn't know if she can make a decent living at it. Anyway, she said a new man was entering into my life in the next four months. She confirmed that the RHG hasn't given up, just as I thought, but if I can just say no for another couple of months he'll eventually give up.

My friend's hit rate is about 50% so if either of her predictions come true I'll be happy. I have been feeling that a new love is around the corner, but I don't feel that the RHG will ever give up. But a friend from writing group said that the RHG can't give me up because of his ego, because I dumped him first and he only wants me back so he can be the one to do the dumping. Whatever.

My friend's reading really, really cheered me up and inwardly I felt there was some validity to her reading. She said she kept seeing February as a turning point. If I can tell myself that I'll only have to put up with these RHG feelings for another couple of months, then I think I can deal with it. And with the way time seems to be zipping by, March is not very far away.

I think I made myself think I was in love the RHG because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was just having a fling. I'm really not a flingie kind of girl. So I think I told myself it was one of those doomed romantic kinds of love so I could deal with it and not have to feel any guilt. Of course, the love thing didn't stop the guilt but it was better than saying I was in it just for the sex, and didn't give a hoot about the RHG.

I'm pathetic aren't I? I'm sure he did the same thing and made himself believe it was love so he could justify it to himself as well, so he wouldn't think he was some kind of Don Juan. I wonder how bad karma is that? Using love as an excuse to justify bad behaviour. Love made me do it! It's so lame isn't it, and really cheapens love. My only excuse is I never said love first, he did, and I just followed his lead. And before the very end he told me he loved me three times on the phone and I didn't say it back. It was an awkward silence. But I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't lie to him or myself.

I hope I never have to go through that experience again. That was bad. Hearing a guy say I love you and having no urge to say "I love you" back. Talk about "real" moment.