Work these last two days has been kind of fun. I was in a Microsoft Project class taught by a guy who was one of the original programmers of the software. He really knew his stuff, and I learned some good tips on how to make the software work.

It was kind of bad timing to be in the class though. My boss lent me out for a project last week and after the project manager found out I was in class for two days, she took the task I was working on back. I had done about 25% of it and I thought I could finish it, but she wanted it down this week. Whatever. Then I had to turn over something else I normally do for client presentations to someone else and I felt kind of bad about doing that, but my boss said I can't do everything.

After work I went to get a manicure and pedicure and to get my brows and lips waxed to death. No big deal right? I hadn't been to the salon in about two months, which my manicurist reminded me of, and I wanted them done for my holiday trip.

In the middle of my pedicure, I felt an incredible wave of anxiety. Like where it came from I don't know, but since I was at the salon I couldn't just sit there and start crying. It wasn't until I came home that the anxiety started again and the incredible sadness I felt most overwhelmingly on Monday came back. Where it came from or what triggered it is a mystery to me. I was actually in a good mood all day until then.

I'm such a sad sack. I put on my pj's, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, only to wake up every few hours and wonder why I was in this mess with RHG, when it was ever going to end, and why I can't just shake the idiot free. It's so maddening to have to go through this, to feel like it's never going to end, to feel like I'm going be going through this for a long time, that the man will not give up, and that somehow I caused this all to happen only because I wanted to have a little fun.

I've been on such a writing roll too. I've been writing every day since last Wednesday. I took Sunday off, and then had to take Monday off because I was depressed. I wrote for 1.5 hours on Tuesday and was full intending to write last night when the depression hit.

These last two episodes are somehow different too. I was in heart-break these last few weeks, and now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have a great life, had a great life until the RHG showed up. I wish I didn't have the feeling that he'll come back, that he'll never ever give up, and that someday we'll end up together. These feelings freak me out. I don't want him back honestly. I'm so sick of the whole thing that I just want it to be over! Like at this point it doesn't matter what I feel about him, I just want it to end, to be finito.

It was probably a mistake to want a clean break, to leave while I still had feelings. I should have just stuck it out like I normally do and let it get really bad, so bad, that by the time I wanted out we would have hated each other so much that there would be no contact. Or conversely, wait for RHG to dump me like a hot potato. Then I could hate him, and rag on him to all my friends, and just go on and on about what an jerk he was and how he didn't deserve me.

This is the third time I've tried to leave a relationship like this, and this is the third time it's been just another huge disaster. I don't care what anyone says; there is no good way to leave any relationship. What works best is to leave like any normal person would; just wait till you get dumped or you mutually really hate each other. Most people know what to do and how to feel when a relationship ends that way. If you try to end it any other way, people get confused and messes like the one I'm in happens.