So I guess I'm still in shock. I stepped on the scale this morning, and I've lost four pounds since Friday. I must be really be stressed out to lose weight like that. I just don't feel like eating, or when I do eat, I can't eat very much.

At work today, I bought a cup of soup with crackers and I had to force myself to finish it. My stomach is churning so wildly. I haven't felt this uneasy since I ran my first marathon and couldn't stomach the smell of grease or eggs.

I went to the CHP this morning, and it wasn't as dreadful at all. A nice CHP officer helped me to fill out my claim, and the whole process took about 20 minutes. I don't know why I was so worried.

The insurance adjustor has already called me this morning to ask me where I want to get my car fixed, but I was away from my office, and now I'm just waiting for him to call back.

I still feel so uneasy though. Maybe I'm going through some major post traumatic stress disorder or something. I don't know. I usually have such a healthy appetite, but I just can't eat anything right now. My stomach feels so jumpy, and sometimes I still break into tears and I want my mommy.

I'm so used to thinking of myself as an independent person, and now I feel like such a wimpy weakling female. It's an odd feeling. I really want my mommy, and I haven't had this feeling since high school. I hate it. I know if I told my mom she's be her usual brusque self and say something like I should have waited in my car, or why didn't I get the license plate of the truck down.

My mom is like a super practical cold Virgo, and she has really bad bedside manner. I know if I called her, I doubt I'd get much sympathy. It's what mommies are for, but not my mom. If I wanted cash, she'd write a check in a second, but love, sympathy and care, she's the wrong person. My mom just doesn't have a mommy nature, and I don't think she got any training from my grandmother, who she never got along with anyway.

But I want my mommy anyway, and it's a very, very strange feeling.

The member of my church whose son was sent to Iraq attended Easter service today. It was nice to see my fellow church member happy to be sitting with his young 21 year old son. Ever since his son was sent to Iraq, I watched the poor man cry during every service. He was so heart broken. Now today he was all smiles.

What a trippy thing though to see the young man who had been in the war with Iraq, the war I watched every night on CNN, to see him sitting in a pew, knowing he had been fighting in Iraq. He looked very young, and yet very soldierly with his military buzz cut. The person who did the prayers today, had us pray for the the troops and for their protection in Iraq, and to pray for the families of service people.

The Iraq war was fought by our nation's young men and women, as has happened in all our wars. They are not fought by the old or the sick. Wars are fought by the youth of our nation, the best, brightest and certainly the strongest. Perhaps that's what makes war so tragic, that it is fought by people in the full bloom and power of their youth, and that such a loss of someone so young is so wrong.

I'm still tripping out. I kept looking at him thinking, wow, that kid was just over there fighting in Iraq, and now he's here sitting a few pews away from me. His presence made the war seem so real for me. I prayed for him and his fellow soldiers who were still there, and I thanked them inwardly for their service to our country.

It's times like these, I wish I was part of a couple, part of a stable and happy relationship. It's hard to bear the hard times alone. I have a good support group of friends, so it's not like I'm totally alone, but it's not the same as being part of a couple.

The sermon today was how people are like children playing a chase game with their parents or other adults, except as adults we're running from death or fear of death and all the little deaths that come in between. Then the minister said just like children we turn around and charge towards death in the form of addictions or anything that numbs us from the fear of death, but these addicitons and numbers are just like death.

The sermon was apt for me. I was running from a Good Friday service, the service of Christ's death where he dies on the cross and they him in the tomb, and I encountered a near death experience on the Bay Bridge.

Now I'm freaking out again that I didn't die on the Bridge or have a more serious injury. These are the times I wish I had someone who would put their arms around me and tell me over and over again that everything is going to all right. It's been my fantasy and dream to have this kind of person in my life for a long time.

Only one person in my life ever understood I needed this, but we were just friends and he was very unavailable. And even if he were available, it wouldn't have worked because he would have been very hard to live with. Still, I really appreciated that he would always tell me soothingly that everything would be okay. I miss this guy, but he said he couldn't be friends with me without wanting something more, so we parted.

I went through my life since January and I was wrong. Since my bathroom sink got plugged up, I'm on bad incident number 9. But since bad things come in threes, and I've had 3 bad incidents times 3, I think I'm due for a bad incident free next few months.

Thanks for all the words of encourage everyone. It's very highly appreciated!

I know I'm pretty lucky that I've gotten to the age I have, and having never been in an accident with another car until now. It's so shocking when it happens. There I was driving along, when I all of a sudden I felt another car hit mine. It felt like just a bump, but my passenger door got scraped and dinged up badly.

I didn't think I was hurt, but now the left side of my neck is hurting and my right arm is a little tingly. I think I have a pinched nerve. It just so happens I have a chiropractor appointment on Monday, so maybe he can fix it. I can still move my arm, it just feels tingly, like I slept on it or something. My health plan offers self referral chiropractic care, so now's the time I guess to use up those visits.

The car accident feels like the way I get half flus. I get the symptoms, but I never get sick. Bad things seem to happen to me, like they do to everyone else, but then when I look back at the incident I think to myself things could have been alot worse.

Okay, but now I have catholic/presybeterian guilt because I skipped Good Friday service to go shopping at Ikea. Someone at church even asked to be part of the service on April 9, but I wasn't into it so I said now. Now I'm thinking if only I'd said yes, I wouldn't have been in my accident. How weird though isn't it? Like maybe I was meant to be on the bridge and to have an accident, but why? What was the point of that?

My friend who met me at Ikea told me it meant to be because now I can't buy the desk at Ikea that I wanted. I wanted this closed workstation at Ikea, but now with having to pay the car deductible, I don't think I want to spend the money. I just hate having to tap my savings, even though I know it's for emergencies like this.

My friend hated the desk anyway, and said it looked like a coffin. Now I'll just buy some cheap desk and hide it away with a screen. I'll save $200 this way, and my friend said I won't have a coffin in my apartment.

I'm one of those types who think that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason, so of course now I'll spend a considerable amount of time trying to figure out why I had to have an accident on the Bay Bridge on Good Friday during rush hour.