I've actually had quite a good week so far, except for some bad moodiness about my job.

On Wednedsay my group had a team luncheon, and I walked out of the meeting in such a bad mood. Sometimes I feel so unenthusiastic in my job, especially when I hear the enthusiasm of other members of my group for their job. I don't know if they're just better at faking it than me or if they really, really like what they're doing.

This job I have is just a job. It's not a career, it's not something I'm that passionate about and its basic function in my life is to give me a way to pay my bills. I'm not into career advancement at this company, I'm not looking to add any more responsibility for myself, and I definitely have no desire to play the climb the corporate ladder game. Of course, I want to make more money, I mean who doesn't? But I'm not willing to put the time and energy required to do it in this job.

But then again, it sure would be nice to make more money.

I hate when I get like this, when I start to question the career choices I've made with my life, but it always comes up for me only because I used to be the corporate ladder climbing type whose identity pretty much revolved around my job, how much I made and my upward job trajectory at my company. But I'm trying not to be like this anymore. I've made career choices in the last four years so I can have more time to write.

But maybe I'm just more the competitive type than I ever want to admit to myself. It's not like work and career was the only arena of my life I used to "strive" in. I've been a "striver" in any of the churches I've joined, wanting to get into positions of prestige and power. Sick isn't it? I was in a year-long growth and development seminar where you were graded, and I was "striving" to always get an "A". And it's not like I take classes for fun either and can be satisfied with a B or a C grade. I make an effort to get the "A" grade, and I get it 99.9% of the time.

I wish I could transfer more of my "striving ambitions" to my writing. I haven't yet because writing is like an "art" for me, and how do you grade art. But I think I'm going to have do it if only to ease some the sense of constant dissatisfaction that runs like a through-line in my life. I guess I'm one of those people who can't really be happy if they're not always trying to achieve in life. And I just hate having to admit that I might be an over-achiever. I hate over-achievers!