I'm in such a depressed mood because of my car. I don't know if I need to be listening to the suicide song, "Un Bel Di", from Puccini's Madama Butterlfly. I have on a real opera cd this time called Amore II, Great Italian Love Arias. The cd features Puccini, Verdi, Donizetti and Giordana love arias. Listening to opera just suits my mood right now. Sigh ...

I'm the type of person, who gets depressed because of the little crises in life. The big stuff doesn't bother me; that stuff I can handle without blinking an eye. It's the little inconveniences in life, which send me over the deep end and make me wonder as I look out at a graveyard on my bus ride home, how nice it would be to lie dead in a coffin, free of this world and all its trials and tribulations.

I had a Scarlett O'Hara moment right afterwards too. I started telling myself, I'm never going to feel this poverty stricken again, I'm never going to have a life where I have to deal with BS like this again, I'm never going to whatever. Very melodramatic, I know. And then I told myself, I've faced worse than this at an age where I didn't have the brains or cognizance to cope, and I survived and survived pretty damned well too. I'm not going to let little things, like my car window breaking and me having to take public transportation to go home from work, bother me to where death seems like a nice option.

This has definitely been an eye-opening three weeks. First, the realization that a calorie restrictive diet does work and you know, isn't that bad. Secondly, how much I love that my clothes aren't tight and what a great feeling that is. Third, if I'm ever going to make it as a writer, I've really got to work my bunnies off. It's like I have this myth in my head, that everything comes very easy to me. And when I do a reality check, my myth about my life is so not true. I have had to work my tail off to get what I want in life. I mean, sure I didn't have to work as hard as some people, but I did work hard. I don't know why I keep lying to myself. Okay, so maybe I've had more than my share of fantasies come true, and I still believe fervently that I can get whatever I want. But so what! I've still had to work hard to make my fantasies come true. I'm just very interesting in having my fantasies come true, so I work hard at making sure they do. And yes, I still believe that life still turns out, god still loves of me, and it all works out, always for the better, all the time, in every way.

I bought the book, "Making a LIterary Life, Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers" by Caroylyn See. Reading her book made me realize that writing is working consistently day in and day out, week in and week out, year after year. Ms. See said she writes 1,000 words a day, five days a week. When I did the 50K word novel writing thing, I wrote 1,666 words a day for 30 days straight. 1,000 words a day, five days a week should be a breeze, shouldn't it? If I'm serious about being a writer, I've got to write, I've got to brush up on my grammar and take that copyediting online class next month. I've got to read more books and I've got to just be more focused on working every day on my writing.

Ms. See recommended either 1,000 words a day or 2 hours of editing. I really like her book. She's a no nonsense writer, and I totally relate to her alienating husbands (in my case boyfriends) with your writing. Like with Steve, the one that got away. He used to make comments when we were dating, about how much time I was spending either in writing class or writing group. Like my writing was robbing him of time I could have spent with him. Never mind that he travelled two weeks out of every month for his job, my writing was bad for our relationship because my writing was less important than spending time with him, and that I should accomodate my schedule to his, like his travelling schedule wasn't a problem for me too.

I know I definitely frightened screenwriting marina hottie boy with my writing. He made a comment to me, about how some writers get so focused on their art that they ignore everything, hint, hint. Such a weird statement coming from him, considering he also wrote and spent a considerable amount of time at it himself. I don't blame him though. I definitely considered him a distraction when I first met him, a distraction I couldn't afford to have. But it all worked out that I ignored him, because he turned out to be much too wild and crazy for my blood.

Better news today. I talked to my car dealer, and they will fix the window for free. I am very happy about this, although I was curious to see how my extended warranty works. Oh well. I'm sure there will be a next time.

The bad news. I might not get my car till tomorrow. The only good thing, I guess, is I made sure that when I took this job that I would be able to get here on bus. I always try to make sure that when I get a job where I have to drive to work, that there's a way to get to the job on public transportation. It's the neurotic part of my personality having it's say in my life.

I took the bus this morning, which meant having to get up 45 minutes earlier than I'm used to. I left my apartment at 6:45 am, and walked 7 blocks to the bus top. The bus came at 7 am, and I didn't get to work till 8:20 pm. That's about 1 hour and 15 minutes on two buses.

I could have rented a car, but it only costs me $2.25 each way to get to work, which is way cheaper than renting a car. Secondly, I've been wondering, since I got this job, what it would be like to take the bus to work. Now I know. It's long, but it's really not that bad. It's nice not to drive in rush hour traffic. I read a little, then closed my eyes and fell asleep on both buses. I just hate the fact that it takes so much time. In my car, the drive is half an hour. When I take the bus, the transit time from the time I leave my house to the time I get to work, is 1 hour and 35 minutes. That's 2 hours wasted out of my day. Plus, the bus far is $4.50 a day, which is about the cost of a quarter tank of gas. Taking the bus for a week would cost $22.50, which is more than price of a tank of gas.

But I can't complain, I guess. The car window will be fixed for free, and now I know if I absolutely have to, I can take the bus to work, and other than time and cost, it's really not bad. I think this is a good thing.

This is karma for you. Steve, the one that got away, listens to Andrea Bocelli. I mean Andrea Bocelli, come on! The guy sings operatic muzak. He's like Michael Bolton, only he's blind and sings in italian. Big deal! I used to look at Steve and wonder how I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone who listens to the italian version of Michael Bolton, who at least doesn't have that hippie long hair do.

I belong to one of those music clubs, and the selection of the month was Luciana Pavarotti singing romantic love songs. I'm thinking that since it's Luciana Pavarotti, the cd will be full of opera solos. The cd arrives in the mail, I put it on, and the first 12 songs are italian love songs. I'm like freaking out! It's like I'm listening to an Andrea Bocelli cd, only it's Luciano Pavarotti singing operatic muzak. The last 8 songs on the cd are opera solos, but the first 12 songs are Dean Martin synthesizer classics. If Steve could see me now he'd laugh, because the cd is actually not that bad. God, I must be getting old if I'm at the age where I can listen to operatic muzak and think it's good music. It's either that, or this is my karma for thinking evil thoughts about Steve's taste in music. He was only 6 years older than me, but he didn't even know who the Cranberries were. I was afraid to tell him that I listened to rap, hip hop, and grungey metal music, and that as my friend Jon has pointed out, I have TRL taste in music. God, no wonder we were never meant to be together. Polar opposite tastes in music.

Speaking of Steve, I had a dream about him this morning before I played my Pavarotti cd. God, I'm so tired of dreaming of the man. I'm like, it's over, it's been over for quit some time, I regret that he got away, but at the same I'm very glad we never ended up together. And the dream was stupid too. In the dream, we were together but then at the end he was telling me that we didn't belong together. I wake up and I'm like, DUH!!! Of course, I know we don't belong together. Get the hell out of my dreams why don't you!!! I hate Steve Ellis dreams!!! They disturb me!

Bad day today. On the way to lunch with a friend of mine this afternoon, the window on the driver's side of my car breaks. I think the glass fell off the rollers or something. Talk about freaking out. I never drive with my window down ever. People have to beg me to roll down my window, even if it's hot. I just hate wind blowing on my face. I would rather have air come through the sun roof than the driver's side window.

It all started because my friend, who has to have it be exactly the right temperature in the car or she freaks out, couldn't roll her window down. That front passenger's side window has some kind of short in it or something. I've told the VW dealer people about it, but whenever they test they always say it's fine. Whatever. Anyway, the window isn't rolling down, she's complaining like a mother, so I start fiddling with all the windows. My windows ends up rolling up and down a couple of times, but the third time we heard a "kerplunk", like the window fell of the rollers or something.

I'm thinking, damn, it's Sunday and no garages are open, and I can't have a car where the window doesn't roll up. I have no garage space, so I can't store the damned car. I can't leave it out on the street because someone might steal it, wreck, steal the cd player, and the stupid car isn't even paid for yet. In the meantime, we're still driving to the lunch place because my friend is like, "we'll take care of it later." Is she nuts? Is she fbombing insane? I'm not parking my car without a damned window for every nut job in San Francisco to get into.

Luckily she heard the panic in my voice, and I was kind of panicing, and suggests that I take her home, so I can go deal with my car problem. And I'm like, "thank you". If it was your car and the same thing happened, you'd be freaking out too, and you wouldn't for a second be able to sit down to a two hour lunch and leave your car parked on the street somewhere without a window.

So I drop her off and go park somewhere. I had no idea what I was going to do. I thought about calling my insurance agency to report it and get help, but my window breaking wasn't exactly an accident or a break in. I have an AAA card, so I call them but they're no help. Finally I decided to drive my down to the dealers and beg them to keep it for me till Tuesday, when the service department opens. And if they couldn't do it, well, I'd figure it out after I got there.

Driving down the freeway at 65-70 mph with my driver's side window open all the way scare the bejesus out of me. It's something I've never ever done, and it's an experience I hope to never repeat. I had images of thing flying in the car while I was driving and hitting me in the eye or the face, and me losing control of my car and crashing. I know, it sounds whacky, but those are the things I thought about while driving down to my dealer.

I get to the dealers, told them my problem, and the guy I talked to seemed to know exactly what my problem was. Like maybe, I wasn't the only VW car whose front side driver window had come off its roller. Not a pleasant thought. The guy at the dealer was very helpful. He opened up the service garage, and locked my car in for the weekend. I filled out a form, left my key and took two buses to get home.

I could have rented a car, but I decided that it wasn't worth it. I could get myself home on the bus this afternoon, and on Tuesday morning, I could take those same two buses to get to work. Luckily my car dealer is near where I work, so I can go to work on Tuesday and pick the car up in the afternoon. From the what the guy at the dealer told me, it shouldn't take more than a day to fix my car.

Now I'm just worried about the cost. I have a german car, and unlike american or even japanese cars, german cars are expensive to fix. I bought a 10 year extended warranty for my car from the dealer, so I'm hoping it's covered. The factory warranty for my car ended in May. I'm also going to check my car insurance to see if my insurance will cover the cost, if the extended warranty doesn't.

I do so love european cars for their handling, their feel and their powerful engines, but they are just so expensive to fix when they break down. Maybe I need to look at Toyotas for my next car. Japanese cars just don't handle as well or have the same kind of heavy feel to them like a european car. I rented a Toyota once to drive down to LA, and that car handled 90 mph pretty darn well going down I-5. Hondas are good cars, but I've really been impressed with them.

I hate car problems; they depress me. I bought a new car, after years of driving used cars, so I wouldn't have to deal with alot of car problems. I love my VW Golf, but in two years, this is the third time, I've had a problem. First, a check engine light came on and wouldn't go off. I took it and the dealer fixed at no charge, because of the factory warranty. Next I get a notice that the car has been recalled, so I have to take it in so they can fix whatever the recall thing was about. Since it was a voluntary recall, VW fixed it for free. And now, my window falls off the rollers.

Well, there was that other time where my brakes were making a high pitched squeel. When I was in for an oil change, I told the dealer service department about it. Later they told me that my back brake pads were fried, but they replaced those for free since I was still under warranty. Oh yeah, then the light in my visor mirror stopped working, but VW replaced that for free too because of the warranty.

My poor car It's just one problem after another. I love my little green german fat boy car too, whom I call Seigfried or Ziggy for short. My Japanese factory built GEO Metro didn't have half these problems. I'm definitely going to have to think about going Japanese the next time I purchase a car.