I watched the 9/11 documentary that CBS showed a few months ago tonight. I was amazed by how much the french brothers captured. The worse part of the film was heaing the noise of the bodies falling. It's not a sound I will ever forget, and I wasn't even there. How bad must it have been for those people for them to throw themselves out of the building like that?
It's weird for me to think of the World Trade Centers gone. When I was spending much time with friends in NYC in the late 80's, I remember going to the World Trade Center one summer for a concert. My friends told me they had a lot concerts in the courtyard of the World Trade Center in the summer time.
One nice summer day, we took the train to the World Trade Center, got out and heard some kind of jazz concert there. The towers were amazing to me; they were so tall. There were so many people sitting and eating their lunch, and milling about. I couldn't believe all those people worked in those two very tall buildings. We didn't have time to go to the top, but I checked out all the shops at the bottom and even bought a denim jacket from one of the shops. I don't have that jacket anymore, but I wore it for several years. I wish I still had that jacket now as a souvenir of the World Trade Center.
I'm glad I have at least one physical memory of the World Trade Center, so the loss of it is something I can relate to. I can't imagine the towerds not being there. All my memories of the Manhattan skyline have the World Trade Center in it.
I also watched part of the Frontline documentary on Faith and God after 9/11, since I forgot to watch it last week. I also taped it for future viewing. That documentary was sort of depressing to watch. I'll have to watch it later, after I'm out of this 9/11 daze. One thing stands out for me just in the hour that I did manage to catch--how could god have allowed 9/11.
I don't know the answer to this question. I mean, if you ask that question, then you have to ask how could god have let 6 million jews die in the Holocaust, how could have god let people die in the Black Plague, how could could god let all those russians die in World War II, how could god have let Pearl Harbor happen, how could god let cancer eat up the body of a child who is under the age of 10, etc.
In my long spiritual journey, a journey I have been on since the age of 12, I have come to accept that the ways of God are inscrutable.
inscrutable
\In*scru"ta*ble\, a. [L. inscrutabilis : cf. F. inscrutable. See In- not, and Scrutiny.] Unsearchable; incapable of being searched into and understood by inquiry or study; impossible or difficult to be explained or accounted for satisfactorily; obscure; incomprehensible; as, an inscrutable design or event.
How can I as a human being with my human mind understand the ways of god? My life is just a blip, a second in the infinity of time. I'm not sure how or where I got this understanding from, but I hear the words of my friend B. Scavullo saying it to me over and over again. He was convinced of this, and often told me that it was foolish to ask why god did or did not do anything. He said that all you can really do is try to discern god's for your life. He said that all you can really do is surrender yourself to god's will and to trust him with your life. I used to smile at him and think, easy to sayand so very hard to do.
I've never been through anything like what those people in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania went through. I don't know what my state of mind would be right now, if I did. I don't think anyone can imagine what they would do in those circumstances, unless they actually went through it themselves. I would like to think that I would have come out of it with my faith intact, but I won't know until I get tested.
It's easy for me to say that the ways of god are inscrutable, but I never had body parts raining down on me like some of those firefighters did. I didn't see or hear in person people falling from a 110 story building, because what they were facing was too horrible and they thought jumping to death below was a better option. I've never had a building collapse on top of me. I've never had 30 people I know all die all at the same time, nor did I have to go to a funeral every day for a month or two. I've never been a part of any major disaster, and saw or knew that many people that died during it.
It's not that my faith has never been tested, because it certainly has and definitely more than once. But I've never had my faith tested like those people who went through 9/11. That Frontline documentary was definitely disturbing, and something I think I'll wonder about for a very long time.
S. Brenda Elfgirl - I was told I am an elf in a parallel life, and I live in the Arizona desert exploring what this means. I've had this blog for a while and I write about the things that interest me. My spiritual teacher told me that my journey in life is about balancing "the perfect oneness of a sweetness heart and the effulgent soul". My inner and outer lives are like parallel lines that will one day meet, but only when there is a new way of thinking. Read on as I try to find the balance.
Thank you for viewing / reading my blog posts! I appreciate it!
Thursday, September 12, 2002
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
I had a somewhat horrific day. My boss and I were supposed to have a meeting at around 1:00 pm, but his previous appointment lasted util 3:30 pm. I decided not to eat, since I was craving junk food and didn't want to go into my meeting smelling like a burger and fries. When he finally stopped by my office, he said he has to go because of the Bay Bridge traffic and that we'd talk later. I'm like, whatever. So I didn't end up eating till 4 pm, and I think I let myself go too long without food because I now I have a really bad headache. I don't know if I waited too long to eat, or it's that disgusting charbroiled bbq sandwich I had a Carl's Jr. I thought I'd try just to see what it tasted like, and it was really gross. But I was so hungry, I ate it anyway. The bbq sauce was sickly sweet, and so full of chemicals, which are probably now swirling through my bloodstream and giving me a pounding headache.
I think I am just stressed out by the whole 9/11 thing. I listened to the radio all day, and it all 9/11 all the time. I didn't mind it at first, but by the end of the day it was so depressing. I feel really numb right now, and it reminds me of how I felt a year ago today. Maybe that's what all this 9/11 anniversary stuff is supposed to do to you; bombard you with all the news, that you feel exactly how you felt a year ago - numb, upset and depressed. I was even sort of missing watching that videotape of those people who were celebrating the bombing by burning an american flag, you know the one TV showed over and over again, you know just to be the exact feeling right. But then as I was radio channel surfing in my car on the way home I came across some foreign accented woman on KPFA going on and on about how bad we Americans are, and all of a sudden the way I felt a year ago on 9/11 was complete, including the anger I felt at the insensitivity of KPFA on a day of national mourning.
God, I detest KPFA!!! They are the reason many people hate liberals. They are so caught up in their do gooder self-righteous, holier than thou, Harvard liberal, we know better than you Mr and Ms idiot on the streets of america because we went to Berserkley and we're smarter than you, that they lose whatever human connection they have to the very people they're trying to help, trying to champion. KPFA and their guests get so caught up in their impractical political ideology, that they forget that people with feelings, people with emotions, people who loved ones who died on 9/11 or whose loved one died in war on Afghanistan might be listening to their shows.
Honestly if foreigners hate our country so much, then why don't they refuse the billions of dollars of aid we send them. I mean that's the right thing to do, if these people had an integrity. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Some of these countries would have been wiped off the face of the earth, if it wasn't for the good ole US of A. If foreigners hate us so much, why do they want to be interviewed by our media? Why do they want to appear on our television, our radio programs? I just don't understand their rationale. If I hated a country so badly, I wouldn't have anything to do with them.
What's ironic to me, is that the rest of the world may have caught the american disease of whining. Which means if they have caught the whining disease, then these foreigners who are on talk shows and tv programs talking about why they hate america so much are like those people who get on Jerry Springer's show, or Maury Povich's show, or Sally Jesse Raphael's show, or whatever else sleazy talk show host is out there in tv land. And if this is true, we should then think about these foreigners in the same vein as we do the people who appear on sleazy talk shows. These foreigners are people who we shouldn't pay attention to, except as a source of amusement and derision.
Can you tell I'm in an angry and bad mood today???
I think I am just stressed out by the whole 9/11 thing. I listened to the radio all day, and it all 9/11 all the time. I didn't mind it at first, but by the end of the day it was so depressing. I feel really numb right now, and it reminds me of how I felt a year ago today. Maybe that's what all this 9/11 anniversary stuff is supposed to do to you; bombard you with all the news, that you feel exactly how you felt a year ago - numb, upset and depressed. I was even sort of missing watching that videotape of those people who were celebrating the bombing by burning an american flag, you know the one TV showed over and over again, you know just to be the exact feeling right. But then as I was radio channel surfing in my car on the way home I came across some foreign accented woman on KPFA going on and on about how bad we Americans are, and all of a sudden the way I felt a year ago on 9/11 was complete, including the anger I felt at the insensitivity of KPFA on a day of national mourning.
God, I detest KPFA!!! They are the reason many people hate liberals. They are so caught up in their do gooder self-righteous, holier than thou, Harvard liberal, we know better than you Mr and Ms idiot on the streets of america because we went to Berserkley and we're smarter than you, that they lose whatever human connection they have to the very people they're trying to help, trying to champion. KPFA and their guests get so caught up in their impractical political ideology, that they forget that people with feelings, people with emotions, people who loved ones who died on 9/11 or whose loved one died in war on Afghanistan might be listening to their shows.
Honestly if foreigners hate our country so much, then why don't they refuse the billions of dollars of aid we send them. I mean that's the right thing to do, if these people had an integrity. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Some of these countries would have been wiped off the face of the earth, if it wasn't for the good ole US of A. If foreigners hate us so much, why do they want to be interviewed by our media? Why do they want to appear on our television, our radio programs? I just don't understand their rationale. If I hated a country so badly, I wouldn't have anything to do with them.
What's ironic to me, is that the rest of the world may have caught the american disease of whining. Which means if they have caught the whining disease, then these foreigners who are on talk shows and tv programs talking about why they hate america so much are like those people who get on Jerry Springer's show, or Maury Povich's show, or Sally Jesse Raphael's show, or whatever else sleazy talk show host is out there in tv land. And if this is true, we should then think about these foreigners in the same vein as we do the people who appear on sleazy talk shows. These foreigners are people who we shouldn't pay attention to, except as a source of amusement and derision.
Can you tell I'm in an angry and bad mood today???
I woke up at 5:30 am to watch the ceremony in NYC, since I missed the tragedy the first time around. It was hard to watch and to remember that I was blissfully sleeping here in the city and county of San Francisco, while huge jet planes were crashing into the towers of the World Trade Center.
9/11 further intruded into my world as I was in my car going to work. My neighbourhood has one the largest jewish temples in San Francisco. We also have a jewish school. I had to take a detour to get on Park Presidio Avenue, because the roads to the jewish temple were blocked and being guarded by the police. A few blocks down, I saw that the roads to the jewish school were also blocked and being guarded by the police.
I was frightened to see the blocked roads and the police, but I have to tell myself that they are just being cautious.
On 280 just before my exit, I noticed a bloodied dead raccoon lying on the side of the road. The raccoon was such visible reminder to me of what this day represented last year, what the whole year was about, and I think, what today is still about.
9/11 further intruded into my world as I was in my car going to work. My neighbourhood has one the largest jewish temples in San Francisco. We also have a jewish school. I had to take a detour to get on Park Presidio Avenue, because the roads to the jewish temple were blocked and being guarded by the police. A few blocks down, I saw that the roads to the jewish school were also blocked and being guarded by the police.
I was frightened to see the blocked roads and the police, but I have to tell myself that they are just being cautious.
On 280 just before my exit, I noticed a bloodied dead raccoon lying on the side of the road. The raccoon was such visible reminder to me of what this day represented last year, what the whole year was about, and I think, what today is still about.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
I created a memorial tile on Yahoo. It seemed like a good thing to do. I didn't know what to write, so I picked the statement that said something like we will not forget, to all those who lost on 9/11. I picked these pretty candles, and I think I'm listed under religion. It's that catholic childhood coming up. When I looked closer at the picture, I realized I picked those candle things you see at catholic churches where you pay a certain amount per candle you want to light. I spent alot of time up until age 18 paying for and lighting those candles. To this day when I walk into a catholic church and I see the paid candle rack, I can't help but head straight to it, fork over the cash, and light my candles. It's so automatic for me. Ah ... the joys of growing up catholic.
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