So my blog isn't broken after all, but on my cousin's browser it just doesn't show up right and I don't know how to fix it. I'm blogging from my work laptop which I brought with me to do some work, and my blog looks fine with my work browser.

So Happy Belated Christmas from Fort Worth Texas. I deleted my last post in an attempt to fix it.

The weather here is mild and in the 60's. Fort Worth is definitely not Dallas, and I am definitely not in a big city anymore.

My cousin has been taking me shopping, and it's not fun only because I can't find clothes I want to buy. I'm starting to realize why people freak out when they shop in Union Square in San Francisco. There is just so much clothing to choose from there than there is here. I love shopping in NYC only because I think NYC has way more clothes than I can ever find in San Francisco, but not so in Fort Worth.

I felt bad because my cousin took me to a mall and I went into a couple of department stores, Foley and Dillards, and I'm like okay where are all the brands of clothes I'm used to buying. I saw brands I'd never heard of and in styles I've never seen or want to see ever again. I finally had to go into Nordstrom to buy a lighter sweater. I didn't want to buy anything in Nordstrom, but they were the only store who had anything I wanted to buy. So scary too because the Nordstrom in Fort Worth pulled me up in their database and they knew I was from San Francisco.

I bought another lighter jacket at another mall at Tommy Hilfiger. Again, I didn't want to buy something from there but it was the only store that clothes I would want to buy.

All the teenagers here wear clothes from this store called "Hollister", so I went in there to check it out. It's like so funny because the store markets the southern california surfer lifestyle and clothes to teenagers in Texas. The line in the store was so long. And the clothes aren't that great either. It's like thrift shop surfer dude threads with sweatshirt hoodies that say "Hollister" or "Laguna Beach".

I was in the store and it was so packed and the line was so long. I wanted to buy a long sleeve t-shirt just to have a shirt that would remind me of the Texas teenybops I was seeing, but I couldn't handle the line.

I did get to check out a Dell Inspiron 700m, and it's a great laptop. I've been wanting to see one for a long time and I'm pretty sure it's the computer I want to buy for myself. It is so small, like a Sony but not so expensive, and it looks like it could easily fit into my purse.

I'm have a relaxing vacation, but I think my decision to stay here through New Years was a mistake. There's really not much to do here except shop, and my cousin hates to drive into Dallas. Oh well. At least I'm relaxing and doing some writing.

My blog is broken and I don't know why, and I'm not at home to fix it. If you can tell me how to fix it, please email me. It's so annoying!

I can't sleep. I'm flying to Texas for the holidays to see my cousin and her daughter tomorrow, and I can never sleep before flying. I'm too amped up.

I talked to a friend of mine who considers herself a "psychic" and she did a reading for me. She wants to do it for a living, but she doesn't know if she can make a decent living at it. Anyway, she said a new man was entering into my life in the next four months. She confirmed that the RHG hasn't given up, just as I thought, but if I can just say no for another couple of months he'll eventually give up.

My friend's hit rate is about 50% so if either of her predictions come true I'll be happy. I have been feeling that a new love is around the corner, but I don't feel that the RHG will ever give up. But a friend from writing group said that the RHG can't give me up because of his ego, because I dumped him first and he only wants me back so he can be the one to do the dumping. Whatever.

My friend's reading really, really cheered me up and inwardly I felt there was some validity to her reading. She said she kept seeing February as a turning point. If I can tell myself that I'll only have to put up with these RHG feelings for another couple of months, then I think I can deal with it. And with the way time seems to be zipping by, March is not very far away.

I think I made myself think I was in love the RHG because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was just having a fling. I'm really not a flingie kind of girl. So I think I told myself it was one of those doomed romantic kinds of love so I could deal with it and not have to feel any guilt. Of course, the love thing didn't stop the guilt but it was better than saying I was in it just for the sex, and didn't give a hoot about the RHG.

I'm pathetic aren't I? I'm sure he did the same thing and made himself believe it was love so he could justify it to himself as well, so he wouldn't think he was some kind of Don Juan. I wonder how bad karma is that? Using love as an excuse to justify bad behaviour. Love made me do it! It's so lame isn't it, and really cheapens love. My only excuse is I never said love first, he did, and I just followed his lead. And before the very end he told me he loved me three times on the phone and I didn't say it back. It was an awkward silence. But I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't lie to him or myself.

I hope I never have to go through that experience again. That was bad. Hearing a guy say I love you and having no urge to say "I love you" back. Talk about "real" moment.

Work these last two days has been kind of fun. I was in a Microsoft Project class taught by a guy who was one of the original programmers of the software. He really knew his stuff, and I learned some good tips on how to make the software work.

It was kind of bad timing to be in the class though. My boss lent me out for a project last week and after the project manager found out I was in class for two days, she took the task I was working on back. I had done about 25% of it and I thought I could finish it, but she wanted it down this week. Whatever. Then I had to turn over something else I normally do for client presentations to someone else and I felt kind of bad about doing that, but my boss said I can't do everything.

After work I went to get a manicure and pedicure and to get my brows and lips waxed to death. No big deal right? I hadn't been to the salon in about two months, which my manicurist reminded me of, and I wanted them done for my holiday trip.

In the middle of my pedicure, I felt an incredible wave of anxiety. Like where it came from I don't know, but since I was at the salon I couldn't just sit there and start crying. It wasn't until I came home that the anxiety started again and the incredible sadness I felt most overwhelmingly on Monday came back. Where it came from or what triggered it is a mystery to me. I was actually in a good mood all day until then.

I'm such a sad sack. I put on my pj's, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, only to wake up every few hours and wonder why I was in this mess with RHG, when it was ever going to end, and why I can't just shake the idiot free. It's so maddening to have to go through this, to feel like it's never going to end, to feel like I'm going be going through this for a long time, that the man will not give up, and that somehow I caused this all to happen only because I wanted to have a little fun.

I've been on such a writing roll too. I've been writing every day since last Wednesday. I took Sunday off, and then had to take Monday off because I was depressed. I wrote for 1.5 hours on Tuesday and was full intending to write last night when the depression hit.

These last two episodes are somehow different too. I was in heart-break these last few weeks, and now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have a great life, had a great life until the RHG showed up. I wish I didn't have the feeling that he'll come back, that he'll never ever give up, and that someday we'll end up together. These feelings freak me out. I don't want him back honestly. I'm so sick of the whole thing that I just want it to be over! Like at this point it doesn't matter what I feel about him, I just want it to end, to be finito.

It was probably a mistake to want a clean break, to leave while I still had feelings. I should have just stuck it out like I normally do and let it get really bad, so bad, that by the time I wanted out we would have hated each other so much that there would be no contact. Or conversely, wait for RHG to dump me like a hot potato. Then I could hate him, and rag on him to all my friends, and just go on and on about what an jerk he was and how he didn't deserve me.

This is the third time I've tried to leave a relationship like this, and this is the third time it's been just another huge disaster. I don't care what anyone says; there is no good way to leave any relationship. What works best is to leave like any normal person would; just wait till you get dumped or you mutually really hate each other. Most people know what to do and how to feel when a relationship ends that way. If you try to end it any other way, people get confused and messes like the one I'm in happens.