Working late tonight. It's been a few years since I worked late on a Friday night. We have a client presentation due on Tuesday, and I'd like to finish everything tonight since my boss said he will review it on the weekend. If anything needs to be changed, I've left at least a day to do it. I hate this. I hate working late. I used to love it when I was younger, now I think it's just a big pain.
I want to go to the movies and watch City by the Sea, but I'm stuck here waiting for my tables to build. A friend of mine called and I was complaining, but then she reminded me that at least I was working and not unemployed like many people we know. She's right. I'm lucky to still be working in this sucky economy. So why don't I feel so lucky right now?
Friday, September 13, 2002
US News and World Report came out with their college rankings,and my alma mater - Grinnell College, came in # 12 for Liberal Arts colleges - Bachelor's degrees, and # 5 for Great Colleges at Great Prices - Liberal Arts colleges. Amherst college ranked # 1 in both categories.
Sometimes I wish I'd gone to a bigger school, with a good sports program. My highschool was really into sports, and it would have fun to be a part of all that at the college level. I did get accepted in Notre Dame, but only applied there to please my parents. My alma mater, Grinnell, has only 1,200 students and sports was not emphasized. I'm glad I went to Grinnell, it was a great, but I do often wonder what going to a top football school would have been like.
Sometimes I wish I'd gone to a bigger school, with a good sports program. My highschool was really into sports, and it would have fun to be a part of all that at the college level. I did get accepted in Notre Dame, but only applied there to please my parents. My alma mater, Grinnell, has only 1,200 students and sports was not emphasized. I'm glad I went to Grinnell, it was a great, but I do often wonder what going to a top football school would have been like.
From Night Light News - an astrology website that the beautiful screenwriting marina hottie boy said was the only astrology website he reads.
Mercury turns retrograde this Saturday at 12:39 pm (PDT) in the sign of relationships (Libra). It will continue its retrograde motion for three weeks, until October 28th, having re-entered Virgo on the 3rd. Mercury will not resume its full direct motion until October 23rd. What does this mean? Other than the usual Mercury retro admonitions, care needs to be taken with communication, no purchasing of large items such as home, appliances, no mechanical repairs, etc,. Mercury retro in Libra means previous relationship issues will resurface, old lovers will reappear, and we will all review what it means to be in the presence of the "other" in our lives. Retrograde motion of any planets means we are in a time of review. Communication will be vital, though not easy.
I'm never sure if astrology is really that accurate, but sometimes it does explain the way I'm feeling. It looks like from now until late October will be an introspective. Like I'm really looking forwards to old boyfriends or friends popping into my life and disturbing my peace of mind, because one always has during a Mercury Retrograde. I wonder who it will be this time, because there is of course, quite a large selection.
Musical selections tonight:
Soundtrack from "The Piano" by Michael Nyman and Debussy - Dreams, Aldo Ciccolini, piano, Erik Satie, Piano Works, Vol. 1
I was going to either start working on the second draft of my screenplay, which I've now renamed to "Going Home Again", or keep working on the second draft of my short story called "Crazy Eddie". But I did neither. I am still feeling pretty burnt out emotionally from yesterday, and when I feel like this, it's hard for me to write. The day went by quite quickly, and I'm grateful for that at least.
Instead, I started on my new book "The Age of Innocence" by Edith Wharton. The novel keeps mentioning what good families do and don't do, and I was reminded of my family. My mother had a big "thing" about what good families do and don't do and especially, what girls from good families do and don't do. My mother always said that one must behave a certain way in public, one must dress a certain way in public, and that the worst thing any of us could do was to embarrass her in public. Parts of Wharton's novel seem very familiar to me: what society expects out of you, how there are unspoken rules that everyone understands as part of that society, and how one should ignore the unpleasantries of life.
I am in such a strange mood tonight. I wanted to hear some Beethoven, but then I kept hearing that line from the movie "A Room with a view where Lucy Honeychurch says, "Mother says Beethoven makes me peevish". And I am already quite peevish, and don't need to further my peevishness.
I started a list in my head yesterday about what I learned from 9/11.
Don't forget to turn the TV on in the morning. Events happens as I'm sleeping, and it's worse hearing about them in my car as I commute to work than it is watching it on TV. In fact, when I do forget to turn my TV on in the morning, I freak out and wonder if another 9/11 incident is taking place.
Don't believe the media hype after any big disaster. I should have learnt this fact from the 1989 earthquake here, but I seem to have forgotten. During the first few hours of 9/11, the media said that they thought the death toll would be in the tens of thousands. That morning a friend who is a native New Yorker now living here, called me and said she didn't think the death toll would be as much as the media was saying.
Unlike California, most New York City businesses she said didn't start work till 9 am, so most of the people who worked at the World Trade Center wouldn't have been at work at the time the first plane hit. The only people who were at work in New York City that early in the morning were the trading firms because of the stock markets. She was so right. Didn't anyone in the media know this fact? And if they did, why didn't they report it? I suppose they were being cautious, but still.
It's okay to be with someone. Unlike like most people after 9/11, I did not feel the urgent need to bond. In fact, I felt the opposite. I thought that if the country was going to war, I was better off on my own. I know how to take care of myself on my own. I didn't know how to take care of myself and another person; another person in my life would be such a burden in a time of war. I was surprised by this feeling, having spent most of my life wanting to be with someone. The thought was then an anathema to me.
That survival instinct of mine kicked into high gear, and it wasn't until yesterday really, that I decided that it would be okay to be with someone. That in fact, having another person around would mean I'd have someone else to help me survive in a time of war. I'm still digesting this new realization.
God is the only person you can count on 100%.. I've been thinking about the issue of support in my life this whole year. I've been looking at all the people in my life and evaluating them in terms of the support I receive from them. The results have been startlng, to say the least. At times I have felt incredibly supported, at other times completely abandoned. I am still trying to reconcile which feelings were genuine. I am resigned to the fact that maybe I'll never know, and that what I realized very early on in my life is still true. The only person I can every really count on 100% is god. Perhaps it is nice to know that some beliefs in my life have never changed.
I'm sure there are more things I learned from 9/11, but this is as far as I've got. I'll have to keep thinking about it, since I think that 9/11 changed not only my life, but everybody else's life forever.
Mercury turns retrograde this Saturday at 12:39 pm (PDT) in the sign of relationships (Libra). It will continue its retrograde motion for three weeks, until October 28th, having re-entered Virgo on the 3rd. Mercury will not resume its full direct motion until October 23rd. What does this mean? Other than the usual Mercury retro admonitions, care needs to be taken with communication, no purchasing of large items such as home, appliances, no mechanical repairs, etc,. Mercury retro in Libra means previous relationship issues will resurface, old lovers will reappear, and we will all review what it means to be in the presence of the "other" in our lives. Retrograde motion of any planets means we are in a time of review. Communication will be vital, though not easy.
I'm never sure if astrology is really that accurate, but sometimes it does explain the way I'm feeling. It looks like from now until late October will be an introspective. Like I'm really looking forwards to old boyfriends or friends popping into my life and disturbing my peace of mind, because one always has during a Mercury Retrograde. I wonder who it will be this time, because there is of course, quite a large selection.
Musical selections tonight:
Soundtrack from "The Piano" by Michael Nyman and Debussy - Dreams, Aldo Ciccolini, piano, Erik Satie, Piano Works, Vol. 1
I was going to either start working on the second draft of my screenplay, which I've now renamed to "Going Home Again", or keep working on the second draft of my short story called "Crazy Eddie". But I did neither. I am still feeling pretty burnt out emotionally from yesterday, and when I feel like this, it's hard for me to write. The day went by quite quickly, and I'm grateful for that at least.
Instead, I started on my new book "The Age of Innocence" by Edith Wharton. The novel keeps mentioning what good families do and don't do, and I was reminded of my family. My mother had a big "thing" about what good families do and don't do and especially, what girls from good families do and don't do. My mother always said that one must behave a certain way in public, one must dress a certain way in public, and that the worst thing any of us could do was to embarrass her in public. Parts of Wharton's novel seem very familiar to me: what society expects out of you, how there are unspoken rules that everyone understands as part of that society, and how one should ignore the unpleasantries of life.
I am in such a strange mood tonight. I wanted to hear some Beethoven, but then I kept hearing that line from the movie "A Room with a view where Lucy Honeychurch says, "Mother says Beethoven makes me peevish". And I am already quite peevish, and don't need to further my peevishness.
I started a list in my head yesterday about what I learned from 9/11.
Don't forget to turn the TV on in the morning. Events happens as I'm sleeping, and it's worse hearing about them in my car as I commute to work than it is watching it on TV. In fact, when I do forget to turn my TV on in the morning, I freak out and wonder if another 9/11 incident is taking place.
Don't believe the media hype after any big disaster. I should have learnt this fact from the 1989 earthquake here, but I seem to have forgotten. During the first few hours of 9/11, the media said that they thought the death toll would be in the tens of thousands. That morning a friend who is a native New Yorker now living here, called me and said she didn't think the death toll would be as much as the media was saying.
Unlike California, most New York City businesses she said didn't start work till 9 am, so most of the people who worked at the World Trade Center wouldn't have been at work at the time the first plane hit. The only people who were at work in New York City that early in the morning were the trading firms because of the stock markets. She was so right. Didn't anyone in the media know this fact? And if they did, why didn't they report it? I suppose they were being cautious, but still.
It's okay to be with someone. Unlike like most people after 9/11, I did not feel the urgent need to bond. In fact, I felt the opposite. I thought that if the country was going to war, I was better off on my own. I know how to take care of myself on my own. I didn't know how to take care of myself and another person; another person in my life would be such a burden in a time of war. I was surprised by this feeling, having spent most of my life wanting to be with someone. The thought was then an anathema to me.
That survival instinct of mine kicked into high gear, and it wasn't until yesterday really, that I decided that it would be okay to be with someone. That in fact, having another person around would mean I'd have someone else to help me survive in a time of war. I'm still digesting this new realization.
God is the only person you can count on 100%.. I've been thinking about the issue of support in my life this whole year. I've been looking at all the people in my life and evaluating them in terms of the support I receive from them. The results have been startlng, to say the least. At times I have felt incredibly supported, at other times completely abandoned. I am still trying to reconcile which feelings were genuine. I am resigned to the fact that maybe I'll never know, and that what I realized very early on in my life is still true. The only person I can every really count on 100% is god. Perhaps it is nice to know that some beliefs in my life have never changed.
I'm sure there are more things I learned from 9/11, but this is as far as I've got. I'll have to keep thinking about it, since I think that 9/11 changed not only my life, but everybody else's life forever.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I went to the bookstore today, and checked out Dieting for Dummies. Here's the formula to calculate how many calories you need to maintain your present weight.
I take my current weight and multiply it by 10 = 168 pounds X 10 = 1,680, this amount equals the number of calories I burn by my body being just at rest. This is called your BMR or basal metabolism rate.
Then I take BMR and multiply it by my activity level, a number from 1 - 5. 1 - no exercise, 2 - walking 1 mile a day, 3 - walking 2 miles a day, 4 - moderate exercise, 5 - heavy exercise. I add a decimal point because that's the percentage of my BMR that I burn for my activity level.
I picked 4 since I walk anywhere from 4 - 6 miles a day.
168 X 0.4 = 672
I add the amount of calories I burn for my activity level to my BMR; 1,680 + 672 = 2,352.
(BMR + Activity Level) X 0.10 = this number is the amount I burn for your bodily functions, which is 10% of my BMR + activity level; 2,352 X 0.10 = 235
I add 235 to my BMR and my activity level; 1,680 + 672 + 235 = 2,587.
2,587 is the amount of calories I would need to eat to maintain my current weight.
Since I want to lose two pounds a week, I've cut 1,000 calories from my daily intake, and so far it's working.
I've been worrying about gaining some of the weight back, like I did before. I used the formula above and put in 130 pounds, which is my goal weight. I would have to eat about 2,000 calories a day to maintain that weight level. To be on the safe side, I took my activity level down to 0.3. That's alot of calories; it's 500 more than I'm eating now. I think that if I just keep tracking my calories, I'll be able to maintain my weight loss once I get to my goal weight without fear of it coming back. And I have the added bonus that I can now eat about 500 calories more a day.
At least that's the theory and the plan. I must admit I'm a little sceptical. Nothing in my life, including my body, seems to work the way everyone else's does. Tomorrow will mark one month since I've been on this new eating plan, and it's really not that bad. I can't eat the way I used to, but it's not like I'm starving or deprived of my favorite foods either. In fact, I ate 2 pieces of See's candy today and I'm still under my calorie count.
The weight is coming off very slowly, but at least it's coming off. I expect to be at my goal weight by the end of the year, if I contintue to lose 2 pounds a week. I wonder what my body will look like then. I can't wait.
I take my current weight and multiply it by 10 = 168 pounds X 10 = 1,680, this amount equals the number of calories I burn by my body being just at rest. This is called your BMR or basal metabolism rate.
Then I take BMR and multiply it by my activity level, a number from 1 - 5. 1 - no exercise, 2 - walking 1 mile a day, 3 - walking 2 miles a day, 4 - moderate exercise, 5 - heavy exercise. I add a decimal point because that's the percentage of my BMR that I burn for my activity level.
I picked 4 since I walk anywhere from 4 - 6 miles a day.
168 X 0.4 = 672
I add the amount of calories I burn for my activity level to my BMR; 1,680 + 672 = 2,352.
(BMR + Activity Level) X 0.10 = this number is the amount I burn for your bodily functions, which is 10% of my BMR + activity level; 2,352 X 0.10 = 235
I add 235 to my BMR and my activity level; 1,680 + 672 + 235 = 2,587.
2,587 is the amount of calories I would need to eat to maintain my current weight.
Since I want to lose two pounds a week, I've cut 1,000 calories from my daily intake, and so far it's working.
I've been worrying about gaining some of the weight back, like I did before. I used the formula above and put in 130 pounds, which is my goal weight. I would have to eat about 2,000 calories a day to maintain that weight level. To be on the safe side, I took my activity level down to 0.3. That's alot of calories; it's 500 more than I'm eating now. I think that if I just keep tracking my calories, I'll be able to maintain my weight loss once I get to my goal weight without fear of it coming back. And I have the added bonus that I can now eat about 500 calories more a day.
At least that's the theory and the plan. I must admit I'm a little sceptical. Nothing in my life, including my body, seems to work the way everyone else's does. Tomorrow will mark one month since I've been on this new eating plan, and it's really not that bad. I can't eat the way I used to, but it's not like I'm starving or deprived of my favorite foods either. In fact, I ate 2 pieces of See's candy today and I'm still under my calorie count.
The weight is coming off very slowly, but at least it's coming off. I expect to be at my goal weight by the end of the year, if I contintue to lose 2 pounds a week. I wonder what my body will look like then. I can't wait.
I watched the 9/11 documentary that CBS showed a few months ago tonight. I was amazed by how much the french brothers captured. The worse part of the film was heaing the noise of the bodies falling. It's not a sound I will ever forget, and I wasn't even there. How bad must it have been for those people for them to throw themselves out of the building like that?
It's weird for me to think of the World Trade Centers gone. When I was spending much time with friends in NYC in the late 80's, I remember going to the World Trade Center one summer for a concert. My friends told me they had a lot concerts in the courtyard of the World Trade Center in the summer time.
One nice summer day, we took the train to the World Trade Center, got out and heard some kind of jazz concert there. The towers were amazing to me; they were so tall. There were so many people sitting and eating their lunch, and milling about. I couldn't believe all those people worked in those two very tall buildings. We didn't have time to go to the top, but I checked out all the shops at the bottom and even bought a denim jacket from one of the shops. I don't have that jacket anymore, but I wore it for several years. I wish I still had that jacket now as a souvenir of the World Trade Center.
I'm glad I have at least one physical memory of the World Trade Center, so the loss of it is something I can relate to. I can't imagine the towerds not being there. All my memories of the Manhattan skyline have the World Trade Center in it.
I also watched part of the Frontline documentary on Faith and God after 9/11, since I forgot to watch it last week. I also taped it for future viewing. That documentary was sort of depressing to watch. I'll have to watch it later, after I'm out of this 9/11 daze. One thing stands out for me just in the hour that I did manage to catch--how could god have allowed 9/11.
I don't know the answer to this question. I mean, if you ask that question, then you have to ask how could god have let 6 million jews die in the Holocaust, how could have god let people die in the Black Plague, how could could god let all those russians die in World War II, how could god have let Pearl Harbor happen, how could god let cancer eat up the body of a child who is under the age of 10, etc.
In my long spiritual journey, a journey I have been on since the age of 12, I have come to accept that the ways of God are inscrutable.
inscrutable
\In*scru"ta*ble\, a. [L. inscrutabilis : cf. F. inscrutable. See In- not, and Scrutiny.] Unsearchable; incapable of being searched into and understood by inquiry or study; impossible or difficult to be explained or accounted for satisfactorily; obscure; incomprehensible; as, an inscrutable design or event.
How can I as a human being with my human mind understand the ways of god? My life is just a blip, a second in the infinity of time. I'm not sure how or where I got this understanding from, but I hear the words of my friend B. Scavullo saying it to me over and over again. He was convinced of this, and often told me that it was foolish to ask why god did or did not do anything. He said that all you can really do is try to discern god's for your life. He said that all you can really do is surrender yourself to god's will and to trust him with your life. I used to smile at him and think, easy to sayand so very hard to do.
I've never been through anything like what those people in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania went through. I don't know what my state of mind would be right now, if I did. I don't think anyone can imagine what they would do in those circumstances, unless they actually went through it themselves. I would like to think that I would have come out of it with my faith intact, but I won't know until I get tested.
It's easy for me to say that the ways of god are inscrutable, but I never had body parts raining down on me like some of those firefighters did. I didn't see or hear in person people falling from a 110 story building, because what they were facing was too horrible and they thought jumping to death below was a better option. I've never had a building collapse on top of me. I've never had 30 people I know all die all at the same time, nor did I have to go to a funeral every day for a month or two. I've never been a part of any major disaster, and saw or knew that many people that died during it.
It's not that my faith has never been tested, because it certainly has and definitely more than once. But I've never had my faith tested like those people who went through 9/11. That Frontline documentary was definitely disturbing, and something I think I'll wonder about for a very long time.
It's weird for me to think of the World Trade Centers gone. When I was spending much time with friends in NYC in the late 80's, I remember going to the World Trade Center one summer for a concert. My friends told me they had a lot concerts in the courtyard of the World Trade Center in the summer time.
One nice summer day, we took the train to the World Trade Center, got out and heard some kind of jazz concert there. The towers were amazing to me; they were so tall. There were so many people sitting and eating their lunch, and milling about. I couldn't believe all those people worked in those two very tall buildings. We didn't have time to go to the top, but I checked out all the shops at the bottom and even bought a denim jacket from one of the shops. I don't have that jacket anymore, but I wore it for several years. I wish I still had that jacket now as a souvenir of the World Trade Center.
I'm glad I have at least one physical memory of the World Trade Center, so the loss of it is something I can relate to. I can't imagine the towerds not being there. All my memories of the Manhattan skyline have the World Trade Center in it.
I also watched part of the Frontline documentary on Faith and God after 9/11, since I forgot to watch it last week. I also taped it for future viewing. That documentary was sort of depressing to watch. I'll have to watch it later, after I'm out of this 9/11 daze. One thing stands out for me just in the hour that I did manage to catch--how could god have allowed 9/11.
I don't know the answer to this question. I mean, if you ask that question, then you have to ask how could god have let 6 million jews die in the Holocaust, how could have god let people die in the Black Plague, how could could god let all those russians die in World War II, how could god have let Pearl Harbor happen, how could god let cancer eat up the body of a child who is under the age of 10, etc.
In my long spiritual journey, a journey I have been on since the age of 12, I have come to accept that the ways of God are inscrutable.
inscrutable
\In*scru"ta*ble\, a. [L. inscrutabilis : cf. F. inscrutable. See In- not, and Scrutiny.] Unsearchable; incapable of being searched into and understood by inquiry or study; impossible or difficult to be explained or accounted for satisfactorily; obscure; incomprehensible; as, an inscrutable design or event.
How can I as a human being with my human mind understand the ways of god? My life is just a blip, a second in the infinity of time. I'm not sure how or where I got this understanding from, but I hear the words of my friend B. Scavullo saying it to me over and over again. He was convinced of this, and often told me that it was foolish to ask why god did or did not do anything. He said that all you can really do is try to discern god's for your life. He said that all you can really do is surrender yourself to god's will and to trust him with your life. I used to smile at him and think, easy to sayand so very hard to do.
I've never been through anything like what those people in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania went through. I don't know what my state of mind would be right now, if I did. I don't think anyone can imagine what they would do in those circumstances, unless they actually went through it themselves. I would like to think that I would have come out of it with my faith intact, but I won't know until I get tested.
It's easy for me to say that the ways of god are inscrutable, but I never had body parts raining down on me like some of those firefighters did. I didn't see or hear in person people falling from a 110 story building, because what they were facing was too horrible and they thought jumping to death below was a better option. I've never had a building collapse on top of me. I've never had 30 people I know all die all at the same time, nor did I have to go to a funeral every day for a month or two. I've never been a part of any major disaster, and saw or knew that many people that died during it.
It's not that my faith has never been tested, because it certainly has and definitely more than once. But I've never had my faith tested like those people who went through 9/11. That Frontline documentary was definitely disturbing, and something I think I'll wonder about for a very long time.
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