My prayers go out to the people of New Orleans and my friend at Wall of Sleep, and everyone else who is suffering from the effects of Hurricane Katrina.

Just watching the news is so depressing and frightening. I've never been to New Orleans and now who knows if I'll be able to visit it now and see a real Mardi Gras. I think that there will be serious consequences for the US economy because of the possible damage to the oil refineries and the loss of a major city like New Orleans.

M-Square is so great! He said he wanted to make sure he talked to me tonight because he sensed that I was having such a hard day. He is the perfect sweetie! And at the end of our conversation, he said that he was glad that he got me stop thinking about work for awhile.

I brought work home. That's how busy I am. I still have a proposal to read before I go to sleep because we're having three vendor presentations tomorrow. And in between the three presentations, I'm having a meeting and possibly one more meeting at lunch time. This is the busiest I've been in a long time. And I'm kind of freaking out about it because I'm interviewing to leave.

Plus dummy me scheduled a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon so I could get my dental checkups out of the way before I changed jobs.

My boss' boss wants me to fly to DC for a conference next week to take the place of a medical director who may not be going. I was kind of interested in going because it's fun to travel for business, but now I don't want to. I think the medical director is going to end up going anyway and I don't want to go to a conference where I'll be the only non-clinician in the room. That's just way to embarrassing for me to not have the depth of knowledge that a clinician might have. It's something I don't think you can BS your way out of either.

Here's my job hunting update. I've had three phone interviews with this one company, and they've all been very positive. This Friday I will have phone interview # 4 with the same company, and if that goes well then someone will fly in to interview me in person and after that they'll make a decision.

I have a friend who is pyschic and when I told her about this job, she said that she was picking up good feelings about it. I am too. I like the company philosophy, they are publicly traded and very team-oriented. I really want to go back to working for a company that is team-oriented and where's not that much infighting among divisions.

Even if I don't get this job, I've been getting great practice at interviewing and I am grateful for the opportunity. It's been a year and a half since I've had to interview, and I think you just forget how to do it. But I'm getting good at it now. I can work on my rap and see where I need to brush up on what I need to talk about to sell myself.

I'm hoping I get this job. I just want to get out of my current job and my therapist agrees with me. She thinks my current job, with the exception of my boss, is just chock full of toxic people who are negative. She thinks I need to get out as soon as I can.

And with an eye on the future, this company has an office in LA which makes me happy in case things with M-Square work out and I want to move to LA so we can really date and get to know each other. I'd move down to Laguna Beach or some place near there, get my own place, and then do the dating thing with M-Square. Having a job to move to would give me a sense of security and an instant social work group.

I'm adding the requirement that any company I work for has an office in LA, so if I want to move I may be able to just transfer within the same company.

I think this is one of my better and crazy one-liners I've said to a guy. I said this to M-Square on Saturday night; "I'm a firm believer in the halftime two-minute quickie, so afterwards you still have time to watch and listen to the analysis of the first half of the game and get caught up on games around the league."

So if you want to know what M-Square sounds like, watch Tommy Lee Goes to College. I caught the other night, and I swear to god! Tommy Lee sounds like M-Square. They both kind of have the same voice and same kind of phrasing, but then again they both grew up in Southern California so maybe it's a SoCal boy kind of voice.

Here's another cool thing I just realized. M-Square is a Valley Boy!

I'm watching this crazy show on E called "The Girls Next Door". It's about the girls who live at the Playboy mansion with Hugh Hefner. God, those girls are not attractive. They have great bodies and huge racks, but they look all so trashy. And I'm sorry they all come across as so dumb.

I think they all want to marry Hugh Hefner and have his children, and I'm like why. Okay, the guy is filthy rich but he's so old and not attractive. What's weird is that they don't seem jealous of all the other girls, which I think is really, really strange.

It's mesmerizing to watch though because these chicks are such freaks.

I've been watching the news about Hurricane Katrina off and on. It feels like I'm watching a movie to see the interstates filled with people fleeing for safety. But it's not, it's real life.

I hate when people talk about losing New Orleans, but I guess it could happen. And it was weird when one of the newcasters said the people of New Orleans have been expecting this to happen for years, and now it's like happening. YIKES!

Things with M-Square have been getting better. We've had the best talks these past two days. Last night we talked for two hours, and the time just flew by and it was so comfortable. Usually by this time boredom starts to creep into my mind in almost all my relationships. But miraculously it hasn't happened yet, and right now it doesn't look it ever will.

The man is just so frickin' amazing! He's got some serious issues, but then so do I. We decided that whatever happens, we will always be friends so I'm happy about that. He is just so cool!

It's hard not get significant at this point because we've put off meeting each for so long. But I met a woman in a seminar yesterday who told me, she knews a guy from here and a woman in Chicago who met on the phone like we did and had a telephone relationship for months before they finally met. They didn't even exchange pictures, and then they finally met and now they're married. The woman from the seminar said this is what her guy friend told her when he first met the woman from Chicago. The first five minutes were awkward and full of judgements, but then he started to remember everything that brought them together and it was fine, and now they're married.

M-Square gets so significant sometimes, so I have to calm him down. But it's human nature to feel that way, but we're trying to have the attitude of "no expectations". Intuitively I think everything will be fine when we meet, and he has the same intuition as well.

It's been a weird week, too weird to write about I guess.

I thought last week that maybe work was getting better. Everyone at work was nicer, or at least trying to act nicer. What an illusion that was though!

On Tuesday, the senior manager I don't get along with took the group out to lunch and it was so damned awkward for me and other guy who don't get along with her. These are the times when I feel that my dysfunctional family training really came in handy. Just even walking to the restaurant was awful. But I got through it and I had a second interview at the place I interviewed with last week.

It turns out the job was better than I thought, and I'm excied now. I have a third phone interview on Monday and if works out I'll get an in-person interview, and then hopefully I'll be able to hand in my resignation and start a new job. My friend who is very psychic said she is getting good vibes about me getting the job.

I wrote a list of what my ideal job should be like, and this job is 90% of the list. It's not 100%, but 90% is not bad either. I'm so stressed out at my current job, that probably any job is sounding good right now.

The negative energy in my group is just so awful. I felt it as soon as I arrived at my desk. I don't trust my co-workers. They haven't done anything wrong, but intuitively they feel so toxic to me. I've always been able to deal with all kinds of freaks at my jobs, and there's been plenty. But I can't do it any more. It's a little shocking to me, but you know life is just too short to get up in the morning dreading your job. I love two of my bosses, and I like some of the people at my job, but I can't be around people who are so toxic to me.

How shocking! A 49er football player died after the Denver exhibition game and he was only 23 years old. Poor guy!

Wow, gas prices are unbelievable. I just picked up about 11 gallons of gas for $30, and that was cheap. I feel sorry for gas guzzling SUV owners. I think the higher gas prices have also made grocery prices grow up. Even groceries at Trader Joe's have been going up.

I went to the famous Santana Row in San Jose. My friend's fiance was shooting the fashion show there. They seem to have very good restaurants, but the stores were way to expensive. I didn't see anyone buying anything in the store, except for the wine store. They do have a Crate & Barrel and Container store, and Macy's is a block away, but the rest of the stores are just way too expensive.

The mall has been open for two years, so somebody must be buying the stuff. I think the condos are right above the stores. Who would want to live above a mall? It would be noisy all the time until the mall closed.

UGH! I had my first telephone interview today with an HR person for a job that I applied for last week. Her assistant gave me the wrong time, so instead of 4:10 pm like I thought the interview was supposed to be at 2:10 pm. I had to run around and find an empty office on my floor.

I think I did pretty well on the interview because the HR woman is forwarding my resume on, but I'm not about the job. They want an analyst who can do do client presentations, and that's something I don't have a lot of experience in. I told the woman that, but she wanted to forward my resume on anyway.

I hate speaking in front of groups. I'm not used to and I get so nervous. I took acting classes to get over this fear, but I'm not still not comfortable with speaking in front of groups. I even took classes in how to present to groups and spoke in front of large groups trying to enroll people in seminars. That was so energizing, but nerve-wracking as well. I even sat on a panel of subject matter experts once, and afterwards this girl asked me if I was in sales.

The job would entail 20-40 meetings a year with clients and presenting data. Some of it would include travel since she said they have clients in Seattle and Denver.

I know that speaking and giving presentations at this stage in my career is the next logical step, and I've done everything but make presentations. But I have the normal fears about it. I know this is silly because people in my job call me on the phone now and I have to explain reports to them, so I know I explain myself. But making a presentation is different.

I also know that if I could get over my fear of speaking in public, I could probably up my income big time because a analyst who can give presentations is a rarity. And it's not like I have to be the best presenter. I've sat in on people who were terrible at presentations.

It's not like quite like sales either because all I would be doing is presenting information. It's not like I was going to be making a presentation to get them to buy something.

I have mixed feelings about this new job. I know I could use the experience and apply it to other areas of my life, like my writiing, but I'm not a speaker I'm a writer and an analyst. I can create the analytics and presentation, I just don't want to deliver it. Oh well. I'm not going to worry about it till the hiring manager calls me. If it's meant to be and the universe wants me to go in this direction and I get definite signs (signs I said not hints), then I'll deal with it.

So I guess this is typical for a guy who's been a football player but it is kind of weird. M-Sqaure and I were talking about Oliver Stone's movie "Any Given Sunday" and how we both thought that it's such a great movie last night.

I happened to mention the chicks in the bathroom scene and M-Square says nostalgically with a sigh in his voice, "There's nothing like like snorting blow off of a woman's breast. Ahhh. Those were the days."

And I'm like okay. He doesn't do that kind of stuff any more and that won't be happening to me, but you have to wonder if he doesn't miss that jock world. I'm like thinking, what is he going to do with me? I am so not a football player type girl, although I dated a guy who played at San Jose State and almost went pro. Not to mention I dated this other guy who played semi-professional soccer in England and another guy from Austin who was 6 ft 7 in and played professional soccer in Europe. Plus there is that one guy who was 7 ft and played basketball at St Mary's in Moraga and then for the Detroit Pistons. Oh yeah, and there was the weekend with the playgirl centerfold guy who I swear to god looked like the Michaelangelo's David statue only he was a blondie boy and very, very, very dumb.

I'm just a spiritual girl who wants to write for a living.

I was telling a friend of mine last night how much I'd always wished I had a guy who said "I love you" constantly, or "love you" as a sign off after a phone conversation. You spend years wishing for this kind of stuff to happen to you, and when it finally does, it's like "whatever".

Red-haired guy did it first. Tossing the L word around like it was so common. I still remember one of our last conversations where I was so mad at him and he told me "I love you" three times on the phone and I just didn't say anything back.

Well, M-Square said the L word very casually of course on the phone on Wednesday. We were hanging up and he said "love you", and my reaction was like "whatever". I didn't say that of course and just hung up the phone. But inside I'm like thinking don't use the L word unless you really mean it. Don't profane the word that way because it really means something. I never use the L word unless in the moment I think I really mean it.

But it's so ironic because after all these years two guys in a row have fulfilled this little fantasy of mine, and I'm not as happy nor as thrilled and ecstatic as I thought I would be. It's sad and very close to tragic I think.

I was starting to think last night that maybe I should stay at my company. Things have been going really great all week. I think my boss shared the conversation I had with her with my other two bosses because they've been nicer. The one person I don't get along with suggested I go to this conferene in Washington DC in early September if the medical director doesn't go. Last night I was really starting to have some regrets because one of the companies I sent my resume to last week called, and I have a telephone interview scheduled for Monday afternoon. It's not the company I want to work for, but they are in downtown San Francisco and from what I know about them it's a good company.

Then I got into work today thinking the two people I don't get along wouldn't be there and how nice my Friday would be, and boom! One of them was there. Talk about a major bummer. I thought the woman was leaving to go on vacation. But then she left and I felt better. Then the other guy I can't stand showed up later and I thought he was going to be out all afternoon.

And I'm like you know, as much as I'm starting to have regrets, it totally sucks to work with people you don't trust and like and have to sit in the same row with. I've never had this experience before. I've never been in a department of coworkers where I didn't like everyone. There's only ten of us in the whole group, so it's a small group.

To me it was like that old saying, one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch. It's so true, except in my case it's three bad apples. I was asking for a sign to let me know if I needed to stay at my job, and I think this was my sign. No matter how much better the job gets, these peoeple are going to be around me for awhile. It's so not worth it to spend 8-10 hours a day sitting next to people you don't like or trust. It's such a drain on my energy to have to watch my back constantly and wonder if they're spying on me, or what kind of BS they're cooking up against me.

Too bad too, because the job has gotten so much better now that my boss has told everyone how unhappy I am. Oh well. It looks like the universe wants me to leave the place and I'm just following the signs.

So we're in a mercury retrograde, and during one people from your past are supposed to show up so you can review your past. Yesterday I was thinking to myself that no one from my past has shown up yet, and wasn't I lucky. The last time there was a mercury retrograde my ex-boyfriend from 1995 called and left me a voicemail asking if we could get together.

I went out with this guy off and on for a period of six months, and he still calls me to go out. And I know he had to search for my phone number because when I moved I didn't tell him I was moving. I didn't even tell him I changed email services either.

I think the last time I saw him was maybe three or four years ago when I ran into him on Union Square when I getting a haircut. We went out to dinner that night and it was okay because it so reminded me why I broke up with him. Why this guy keeps calling me is such a mystery.

Anyway, after I had the thought that I wasn't going to have an ex-from-the-past experience I decided that I better not think that because everytime I've reassured myself that something isn't going to happen it always does. Then I got the intuition that the red-haired guy would call me this week.

And sure enough, he left a message on my home voicemail today saying he was going through some old email and found mine, and that he wanted to get together for a cocktail and hoped life was treating me well. I so knew he was going to call even though I haven't heard from him since December when I lied and told him I met a new guy after we broked up. I only lied because I knew it was the only way he was going to stay away from me and it worked.

But then I broke down in June and told him about my December lie in an email because I was trying to clear him out of my space and I always felt guilty that I lied to him that way. So now two months later he decides to call me.

I really want to call him back to find out how he's doing. I mean, the guy said when we first met that we would be friends for a long time, "for life". He said that then and even when we were breaking up, so I guess it's not that out of character that he would call.

But I don't know. As much as I want to talk to him, I don't want to get entangled up with him again even it was just to be friends. I don't think it's good for either of us. And I don't want to ever tell the red-haired guy that I found out on June 23 that I never really loved him and that everything I said to him last year was just one big delusion. That would so hurt him and I'm not into doing that right now. I know the red-haired guy loved me as much as it was possible for someone like him to love anyone, and part of me will always feel grateful for that experience.

I mean, I don't feel anything inside. I was teary-eyed just for a nanosecond, but then the feeling passed. M-Square put my whole love life in perspective for me, and hearing the red-haired guy's voicemail confirmed it.

I am so shocked! Peter Jennings died. How weird is that? He just announced in April that he had lung cancer, and now after three month he's dead. That was so fast! It just reminds me that life is so short and you just never know when it's your time to go.

An M-Square update.

Everything is fine. We had a nice talk on Thursday and everything was okay. He received the birthday card I sent him and took it to work, and apparently showed it to everyone including his boss who is like so famous. I don't remember if any guy I've ever dated has done that before or told me, so I think it was so sweet of him to do that.

Then he told me on Friday that he needed to think happy thoughts and thought of me, which just floored me because I have a thing about being someone's happy thought because Tinkerbell said to Peter that the only way he could fly was he had have a happy thought. And I've always wanted to be some guy's happy thought!

And on Friday night we had a long late night talk, after I sent him the June 24 post from my blog that I wrote about him and he said the piece really moved him and after reading it, he wanted to meet the guy I had written about. Which I thought was really funny because that guy was him.

And we talked about so many personal things, and I love that he gets every literary reference I make and knows about stuff that I know. But then he had brought work home and had work to do, and when he said he had to go he said "You sound so bummed that I'm hanging up", and I was because talking to him makes me so happy.

And it was so weird because I kept thinking we were talking around a very important subject and neither of us was saying what we really wanted to say. And he kept saying "it felt like he was waiting for something, but he didn't know what it was." And I told him he did but that he just didn't want to say.

And we talked about how this is such a stressful time for both of careerwise, and that the relationship thing was so hard. And I ended up telling him how resistant I've sort of been to it all, and he said he could tell I was struggling about it from afar. And I'm a little worried that he's not getting any intuitive hits on what will happen when we finally meet, and I can't trust myself on any intuitive hits I'm getting.

And for the life of me I can't figure out what subject we were talking around and why we couldn't just be honest to each other and I guess to ourselves. I've never had that feeling so strongly with someone, that we were talking and yet there was this strong undercurrent of what wasn't being said. It was so Chekhovian, what's in the unsaid. It almost felt like we were talking on one level, but on another levels our minds were having this completely different conversation. I'll have to ask him about it. He's very good at responding intelligently when I have weird questions like this, and he gets it too which is just so amazing to me.

And so it's been a very, very, lovey and sweet beginning and we're planning my trip to LA, which I'm a little fearful about because it is going to be such a bummer if physically there is nothing between us. But I'm trying not to be so attached because whatever happens, I hope we'll always be friends.

I think I really need to start writing short stories again. I mean, working on the novels are great and everything, but they take so long and there is no sense of accomplishment and I think I need that to sustain my writing enthusiasm.

I'm starting to think that maybe I need to write one short story a week, and it could be long or short like flash fiction of under 1,000 words or under 500 words. You know, just to keep my writing muscles in place and to get the quick hit and sense that I'm finising something in my writing. Some of my short stories eventually end up being novels anyway, and this could be a good way for me to explore story ideas I have.

I just googled myself and thank god I can't be found and that no one is writing about me. I don't know why this is important, but I like being anonymous in cyberspace.

I added my blog to this blog ranker called TTLB Ecosystem, and out of 34,000+ plus blogs I am ranked 16,199. First of all, who knew there were so many darn bloggies out there. And secondly, I'm surpised I am the middle of the pack in this blog ranker. Thanks of course, to you my loyal readers!

My bloggie has sort of become more a personal journal right now I guess as I am not into writing about world events. But really, there's nothing that interesting happening in the world right now that I want to write about.

But there are odd things happening though. I received a rebate from my car insurance company for being a loyal customer. This is a first!

When I went to see my acupuncturist yesterday in my old neighborhood, I saw a ton of parking spaces open. I lived in that neighborhood for over 8 years and on a Saturday, I've never seen so many open parking spaces.

It feels like there is a dark economic undercurrent going on. Like things aren't as rosy as the government would have you believe. It's a just a feeling I have, little things, events, that have been happening. Not sure what it all means though.

All eyes are on the San Diego housing market because people are saying it is tanking. Vegas is advertising which I find off. I guess there aren't enough people gambling and throwing away their money. Starbucks keeps giving free drinks downtown. Business are a little too desperate about wanting business right now, which means business must not be doing very well.

I went to the Asian Art Museum to see the exhibit, Tibet: Treasures from the Roof of the World on Saturday. The artwork was beautiful but I started becoming upset because I had the feeling that I was reading a political retelling of history because practically every description mentioned China's relationship with Tibet. China took over Tibet on the pretense of the their historical relationship. They are trying to do the same with Taiwan.

In front of the musuem, people were protesting with signs that said "China stole my history." I think they are right. Tibet's culture was very distinct from China, and to emphasize China's closeness with Tibet was just very wrong and such bad karma. I wonder what his holiness the Dalai Lama thinks about this exhibit.

I loved seeing the art, but most of it was taken from monasteries so they are sacred objects. I don't know. The whole exhibit started bumming me out and I couldn't enjoy it as much as I probably should have.

I went to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", and it was a great movie. People at the end the movie clapped, and in San Francisco it's so rare when that happens. Johnny Depp was his beautiful self as usual, and despite the fact that it's a character role he brought such depth to the actor. I was reminded of his performance in the movie "Donnie Brasco", which was excellent. Or even "Ed Wood" and of course "Edward Scissorhands".

I missed the Ooompa Loompa songs though. Danny Elfman did a great job of modernizing the songs, but I miss the Ooopma Loompa songs. Tim Burton's sense of art direction is just unbelievable. Every scene is beautiful like a postcard. I noticed this especially in his movie "Sleepy Hollow". And the special effects for movie were really great.

And all of the great characters were there, including the fat german boy and Veruca Salt the spoiled english girl. And the actors playing Charlie's family were excellent. The roles were small omes but the actors brought alot to the shallow characterizations.

If you loved the first one with Gene Wilder, you will love how Tim Burton and Johnny Depp modernized the story.

I’m starting to think it’s too bad I want to leave my company because it’s kind of starting to get a little better. Of course I think this always happens when you finally decide to get your butt in gear and start looking for another job. The universe wants to make sure you are making the right decision. A new person just joined my group this week and I spoke to her this morning and she is really, really cool. We seen to have a lot in common and she was hired to be a writer for the division. And I’m like too bad I’m leaving because I would have liked to get to know her.

But then the assistant for our group told me yesterday that they stopped accruing for our bonus next year because the company is doing really badly financially. It’s not that we’re not making money because we are, we’re just not hitting our plan targets. The mid-year budget reforecast meetings have been brutal, and everyone is cutting from the budget as much as they can. She told me they are also starting to look at open positions to see if those positions need to be hired.

Having done a five-year stint in a company’s budgeting department, let me tell you when a company starts looking at the open positions to see if they are really needed then it’s not a good sign. I also had lunch with a girl from our LA office, where most of our new business comes from, and she told me the sales people in LA were really depressed because they weren’t making their July numbers. And July is our second biggest month for sales.

The company also cut out an $11 million program that I was working on because they decided they couldn’t afford it. This move will have ramifications I think long term, but no one has said anything about it yet.

These are all bad, bad signs. And worse of all, our competitors have announced that they all made great profits in the second quarter. How come all of our competitors are making money and we aren’t?

So I think I’m still getting signs from the universe that I need to move on, but at the same time I guess I’m having some regrets only because there are four people in my group that I really, really like and I will be sorry to not talk to them anymore.

By the way, my boss knows I’m unhappy. She was finally able to drag it out of me, although I think she used underhanded means to do it. Oh well! She didn’t really sound surprised actually, only saying she thought it had gotten better. I told her that what I was going through probably wasn’t fixable, and I said this statement with great sadness in my voice. She said she was going to see if it was workable, but at this point it’s like I crossed a point of no return and can never go back. I’m not saying there aren’t room for miracles to happen, but the company’s financials are starting to really concern me.

It’s such a hot job market right now, and I have a feeling it wont’ be in the next two years when the company really has to start putting drastic measures to save money. If I don’t go now, I have a feeling I will my window of opportunity. I’d rather leave now, then when everyone else will be looking.

And so the job hunt begins. I just applied for two jobs tonight. One in San Francisco, which sounded interesting and one in Oakland. I really want the one in Oakland, although I'm not looking forward to my longer 1-hour, $100 more a month commute. Which is why I applied to sort of interesting job in San Francisco.

The San Francisco job was the first one I did and I think I filled out one of the questions wrongs. Oh well. It took me until the second job posting to figure out what the question really meant.

A long time ago a friend told that whenever she would get depressed about a job, she would start job hunting and she would start to feel better because at least she was in action. She was right. It does feel good to be in action and start applying for jobs. Even if takes awhile or in her case, nothing comes of it, at least you're doing something to get out of your current situation. And that's what really counts!

So the "L Word - love" made an appearance in an email from M-Square, and I'm like not very happy. I hate when a guy uses this word like it's nothing. I never put love at the end of an email. X's an O's don't count, because it's not like the actual word and it's more like flirting and fun. "Love" is a real emotion and one shouldn't be signing one's emails with it unless you really mean it.

Maybe it's because he's a Leo and all my friends tell me that Leos are very emotional. But I don't care, the L-word is sacred!

And he put it at the end of a semi-slammogram of an email too, like the L-word was supposed to negate everything he wrote above it. We kind of had our first little tiff yesterday, where I think I totally embarrassed him at work on the phone and he got kind of upset and basically hung up on me.

My mistake I guess for calling on a bad Monday morning. I was in a bad mood, and thought that talking to him would cheer me up. Guess that was a big mistake because he was having a bad Monday too, and then it just slid merrily down the toilet bowl from there.

And I'm like how did we get to this stage where I feel like we're being cruel to each other like an old married couple? Yeah, we get along like a house on fire and feel like so comfortable talking and telling each other very private things, but we don't know each other that well.

And I guess I don't help things any, because I'm a fly by the seat of my pants type conversationalist who spits out any stupid and inappropriate thought that comes into my head, and yes I suppose I can come across as being unwittingly and unthinkingly very, very cruel.

But I'm not deliberately cruel! I don't say things knowing that it's just going to come across as nasty as hell to the other person, no matter what I feel.

But I don't know, Mercury is retrograding which means communications are messed up and we're both stressed out as hell over work. He's trying to build a 30-year garage type business into a more professional organization and I am very unhappy with my job, and this relationship is probably the last thing either of us needs right now.

But I can't help it! I really, really like this guy! He is so cool, so smart (he graduated from college when he was 19 years old), and so beautifully spiritual. And yes, dare I say, the guy is really, really 90% perfect and I haven't even met him yet.

But the cynical part of me wants to call it quits because he was cruel and knew it and couldn't stop himself anyway, and who needs that kind of behaviour when you're already stressed out. And he found one of my buttons, one of my landmines by accidents and it really, really hurt when he pushed it. But hey I stepped on one of his landmines first which I didn't know would hurt so much since he'd already talked about it, but I guess went deeper than I'd guessed or maybe should have figured.

So I guess we're even as far as hurting each other goes now which means despite the smidgen of doubt that popped into my head, which by the way always pops into my head with every relationship, I'm staying in. And yes, I think he's that worth it!