An M-Square update.

Everything is fine. We had a nice talk on Thursday and everything was okay. He received the birthday card I sent him and took it to work, and apparently showed it to everyone including his boss who is like so famous. I don't remember if any guy I've ever dated has done that before or told me, so I think it was so sweet of him to do that.

Then he told me on Friday that he needed to think happy thoughts and thought of me, which just floored me because I have a thing about being someone's happy thought because Tinkerbell said to Peter that the only way he could fly was he had have a happy thought. And I've always wanted to be some guy's happy thought!

And on Friday night we had a long late night talk, after I sent him the June 24 post from my blog that I wrote about him and he said the piece really moved him and after reading it, he wanted to meet the guy I had written about. Which I thought was really funny because that guy was him.

And we talked about so many personal things, and I love that he gets every literary reference I make and knows about stuff that I know. But then he had brought work home and had work to do, and when he said he had to go he said "You sound so bummed that I'm hanging up", and I was because talking to him makes me so happy.

And it was so weird because I kept thinking we were talking around a very important subject and neither of us was saying what we really wanted to say. And he kept saying "it felt like he was waiting for something, but he didn't know what it was." And I told him he did but that he just didn't want to say.

And we talked about how this is such a stressful time for both of careerwise, and that the relationship thing was so hard. And I ended up telling him how resistant I've sort of been to it all, and he said he could tell I was struggling about it from afar. And I'm a little worried that he's not getting any intuitive hits on what will happen when we finally meet, and I can't trust myself on any intuitive hits I'm getting.

And for the life of me I can't figure out what subject we were talking around and why we couldn't just be honest to each other and I guess to ourselves. I've never had that feeling so strongly with someone, that we were talking and yet there was this strong undercurrent of what wasn't being said. It was so Chekhovian, what's in the unsaid. It almost felt like we were talking on one level, but on another levels our minds were having this completely different conversation. I'll have to ask him about it. He's very good at responding intelligently when I have weird questions like this, and he gets it too which is just so amazing to me.

And so it's been a very, very, lovey and sweet beginning and we're planning my trip to LA, which I'm a little fearful about because it is going to be such a bummer if physically there is nothing between us. But I'm trying not to be so attached because whatever happens, I hope we'll always be friends.