Mr. Rogers died. That's sad. He showed up at my church one Sunday, and he looked the same in person as he did on TV. I was a little too hyperactive as a child to be into him, but I know alot of people who totally adored him.

The thing I don't get about the current housing bubble is how can the home prices be so high, when the economy is sputtering and so many people are out work. It just doesn't make sense to me. The whole thing reminds me of the tech stock bubble, before it all crashed.

I used to wonder why the tech stocks were priced so highly when hardly any of the companies were making a prophet. I mean, economically the tech stock bubble just didn't make any sense to me, so I never bought into the mania of investing in tech stocks for the long term. The tech stock boom was great if you could buy a stock for cheap, then turn around and sell it right away when the price went up. I think some investors did this, and made quite a lot of money. Most people, including money fund managers however, started buying the over valued tech stocks and held on to it for too long. When the market started to crash in April 2000, their portfolios tumbled and way too many people saw their 401(k)s turn into a 101(k)s.

The housing bubble reminds me so much of the tech stock bubble, especially here in the SF Bay Area, although the reports say it's happening all over the country. It just doesn't make sense that the price of housing is going up as more and more people are losing their jobs, and the economy is so shaky that there will undoubtedly be many more layoffs in the next two years. Who is buying these houses? Something is definitely off either in the numbers of jobless people, like maybe there really aren't that many, or in the housing information, like maybe home prices aren't really going up. I don't know.

It's scary to me though, because it so much reminds me of the year before the tech crash in 2000. There was so much media hype about the tech stocks, and how everyone had to buy, buy, buy. There were some doomsayers reporting about the tech stock bubble, but these folks were regarded as loonies. I bet the loonies still have a 401(k), and not a 101(k).

Then April 2000 came, and the markets lost about $1 trillion in value. I mean, sure it was all on paper that's still a ton of money to lose on paper. I mean, after that didn't you think that you couldn't trust the media anymore because they hyped the stock market so much? I don't know what to believe anymore, except when I hear the media hyping anything I just have to wonder why.

So rock star guy and I are going out tonight to either watch "Daredevil" or "How to lose a guy in 10 days". Rock star guy wants to see my new smaller body. He is such a good friend. He said that "no matter what you weigh, you'll always be cute." Isn't he just the sweetest guy?

Of course after that, I heard an earful about what I need to do to lose those last 20 pounds. Like rock star guy really knows about losing weight, since he's as skinny as Mick Jagger and has never had a weight problem in his life and all his girlfriends and his three ex-wives complain that he' s way too thin. But that's okay. Rock star guy friend is sweet and was just trying to help.

I'm going to wear my new tight sweater with the horizontal stripes, which makes me look I've had a rack job so I can look like I match my rock star friend. If only I could do the heavy makeup and big hair thing as well, but that's way too much work for me.

Wearing the size 8 jeans is strange. A friend thinks they’ve made the sizes all bigger lately to make people feel comfortable. The butt part fits right, but everything else is loose. These jeans are low rise, which is nice because I don’t curve in at the waist. I keep thinking I need tighter jeans, and am tempted to go to Macy’s and try on the Ralph Lauren size 6 pair just to see how they would fit.

I hesitate though, because I honestly don’t think my hips are going to get any smaller. When I was 18 years old, my hips were a size 36. No way am I going to get any smaller.

It’s just a weird feeling to have loose jeans in a size 8. What a trip! What a frickin’ trip, especially since I’ve been stuck on a plateau since January and haven’t lost any weight. I am lifting weights, and a friends says that my body is now getting tighter. And I’m like great, but what about my weight? I was 145-150 pounds for a long time, and I think my body is like “wow, I remember this weight, I like this weight. No way are we getting any smaller.”

So after all the months of dieting and exercising, I’m at the point where I was before I got fat. I’m at the last 20 pounds that I’ve never been able to lose. Mindboggling. It’s like time has stood still somehow, and I’m right back where I started from and I don’t like it.

It freaked me out, and I had a crying jags off and on all weekend. I’m having crying jags, and wearing my new size 8 jeans a size I haven’t worn since college and totally depressed because it feels like I haven’t made any progress in all these years. I hate this.

But not to despair because I have a plan. I’m cutting out 100 calories from my daily count, and I’m going to starting running three times a week. I went to the gym on Saturday and Sunday, and ran for about 30 minutes both days. On Sunday, I upped my speed to 6.0 on the treadmill and ran this speed for 10 minutes. I think this means I ran a 10 minute mile, which is like really fast for me. On Sunday at the lower speeds (5.0), I felt like I could run for hours.

It’s good to feel that strong again. It won’t be real for me until I’m out on out in nature and trail running, and powering up and down hills without being out of breath or breaking a sweat. It’s an incredible feeling to be able to depend on your body like that, knowing that no matter what lies ahead on the road ahead you’ll be able to power through it, conquer it without the road freaking you out and wearing you down. One of these days, soon, this will be a reality again for me.

I'm watching Page to Screen, and tonight's program is on the movie "The Cider House Rules". The movie was more than 12 years in development, and went through 50 plus screenplay drafts. Unbelievable, but unfortunately I think very typical of Hollywood and the movie making process. I don't think John Irving will be writing another screenplay soon, although he did win an Oscar for his screenplay adaptation.

Bad news for the SF Bay Area, especially Silicon Valley,
Picture grim for job rebound VALLEY FORECAST: RECOVERY IN 2011.

For the Tolkien fans, 'Elric Saga' fantasy series optioned. Interestingly enough, the saga will be produced by Chris and Paul Weitz. The Weitz's directed "About a Boy", but this time they will just be producing and not writing or directing.

This is a sad story, Alleged murder-suicide in Concord. The news reporter on the radio said that the daughter was mentally disabled, and the wife had Alzheimers. The neighbours are calling it a mercy killing. The details are sketchy, but it's so sad.

Did the father and husband just give up on life and said screw it? The man shot the daughter and wife, and then himself. What would drive a person to do this? I think the man was probably taking care of the retarded daughter and the wife all by himself. What a burden. And now the daughter is alive, how messed is that? If she lives, who is going to take care of her. Is it a good thing that the daughter is mentally disabled because then maybe she won't have to freak out about her dad trying to kill her?

And I feel bad because the writer in me is saying in my head, "there's a story there, one heck of a story". But what a sad story it would be to write. I guess I would only be interested in writing the story so I could speculate what would drive a person to do this. It would be a fictional account of course, although it would be interesting to see if someone else wants to find out the real story behind the news headline and will write the true story.

What would drive a person to such depths of despair, that he or she would kill the only two people he or she loved?

A few short notes.

Suprisingly, the movie "Gods and Generals" was sold out at AMC 1000 on Van Ness on Sunday. You wouldn't think this kind of movie would be sold out here, but it was despite the reviews. The movie theatre only had two showings because of the film length, and that may explain why it was sold out. If I want to see it, I will definitley have to think about buying movie tickets online.

The news is full of stories about the high price of gas in the SF Bay Area. I'm lucky, because I pick up gas at Costco where the price last week was only $1.86. The gas station is right near my office, so I can go during the day when the lines aren't very long. I saw a gas station in my neighbourhood that was charging $2.99 for full service premium, and they were people at the station. I guess for some people the price of gas doesn't matter.

I see gas guzzling cars on my daily commute, and I wonder what their gas bills are like. My car gets okay mileage since I mostly drive city miles, and average about 22 mpg. Still, that's better than 15 mpg. I have a small car with a small gas tank, but a short commute to work. I drive about 260 miles a week, and end up picking up gas every 10 days. When I put together my 2003 home budget, I expected the gas prices to go up and planned accordingly but maybe I didn't budget enough. The war hasn't even started yet, and already the gas is going up. I wouldn't be surprised if gas goes to $4-5 a gallon if and when the war does start.

Look for the economy to further tank when the gas prices go that high. I'm not looking forward to that.

I rented the movie "About a Boy", and although parts of it were funny overall I thought the movie was kind of boring. One interesting thing I noticed is that hippies are the same in England as they are in the States. Toni Collette was great. She has a great voice, so it was funny to hear her sing that old Roberta Flack out of key, great acting. She reminded me of Julianne Moore in "Boogie Nights, who had to pretend to act very badly in the porno flicks.

Maybe I'm over the "isn't Hugh Grant just a doll" trip, because he just came across as a sad twerp, and biggest creep in the world. I felt sorry for the little boy, and started thinking we are going to have a generation of kids raised by single mothers, if we don't already. Will society be different because of kids raised by single moms? In college, I didn't know too many other people whose parents were still together. Most kids were from divorced families where there'd been multiple marriages for both parents.

A male friend has a theory that if you were raised by parents who never divorced, you will eventually marry someone who had the same family background. He has never seriously dated a woman who came from a divorced family, and actually neither have I. All my serious relationships including my marriage were with men whose parents never divorced.

My parents had one heck of a rotten marriage, but they were old fashioned and catholic so divorce was not an option. My guy friend tells me that this is the reason we both have problems finding relationships. They aren't too many people left who come from families where the parents aren't divorced. That's his theory anyway. Sometimes I wonder if he's right.

I think I will have to definitely read some Nick Hornby books. Maybe the book was better, or maybe it's just me because a lot of critics loved this movie. I thought it was good, but not very deep and somewhat trite. But then again, I didn't think "The Wonder Boys" was that great of a movie either.

Now "About Schmidt" - this is a damned good movie! Review to come later.

I have a strange religious life. I was raised catholic in a church, that was from what I've surmised from other catholic friends, more protestant than catholic. The Marist priests who ministered at my church were college educated and intelligent, and preached mind boggling, serious half an hour to an hour sermons every Sunday. They sermonized about how to still have faith and believe in God and still live your life. They preached sermons that were complicated, and for people who were well educated. In the Sunday catechism that I attended, we read the bible and played "Bible Hunt", things that my other catholic friends never did in their Sunday schools. My catholic priests stressed that bible reading was important to religious life, and talked every Sunday about we should read the bible every day.

When I stared attending catholic services in my adult life in California, I was shocked at how different the service was from what I remembered as a child and a teenager. The priests either didn't preach, or when they did preach it was awful. They didn't talk about why it was important to have faith and believe in God. They didn't talk about the difficulty of having faith in today's world. Instead, the catholic priests at the churches I attended in San Francisco preached simple sermons like we were all 7 years old and living in third world countries, who didn't have to wrestle with our faiths. It was so disappointing.

When I started to attended protestant churches, I felt more at home. The ministers reminded me of my childhood catholic priests. They emphasized the bible and its importance to christian life. And most importantly, they had long sermons about why have faith and belive in God in today's world, just like my childhood catholic priests.

But now, my protestant church is becoming more catholic. For the Lenten season, they announced that there will be a Thursday class on personal confession. How catholic, personal confession. I'm going to attend the class just to see what they have to say about "personal confession", which I consider a "catholic concept". Then, they're going to suggest that the congregation find a "confessor" during Lenten week, who I assume will be someone you will confess all your sins too. And the minister mentioned a confessor is a "priest, a minister, a therapist, or a friend". I think he was actually suggesting you could go to a priest and confess your sins. What a trip. I'll have to get clarification if he was really suggesting going to a priest.

Many in the congregation are like me, cradle catholics. In fact, my church is made of all people from various denominations. There's definitely a southern baptist group, and I know there's methodists, episcopalians, and I think a few jewish people as well. Is that where theh priest reference came in?

It's weird how I attended a catholic church, which was kind of like a protestant church, and now I'm attending a protestant church, that's now adopting catholic type rituals. They even play catholic monk music and gregorian chants during the Wednesday prayer service. Talk about me feeling right at home.

Busy weekend coming up.

There's an orchid show in town, and I'm so looking forward to going. My mom raised orchids when I was growing up, and our house was surrounded by pots and pots of orchids. My mom is too old to care for her garden and she ended up selling most of her plants, but I still have good memories of spending ours looking at these strange looking flowers.

Orchid collecting can become an obsesssion, and take over your life. Orchids need a lot of care, and you can get into collecting all the different varieties. There's the time you spend trying to diagnose them when they're sick, and the best potting soil for them. Then there's the expense. It's an expensive hobby, with the cost of the plants, the pots, the special potting soil, the fertilizer, etc.

My mom was really into it, and spent hours potting and repotting her orchids, fertilizing and watering them, and then going to orchid shows or friend's houses to look at their collections. When I was little, I used to think that my mother's orchids meant more to her than I did. She spent way more time with them than with me. I used to wonder if she had names for them, but I was afraid to ask her.

I'm sure orchid care was easier for her than child care. At least orchids didn't talk back, do wrong things, disappoint her, or whatever. Orchids were always beautiful and you didn't have to tell them that they looked too fat or freak out that they were wearing the wrong clothes or needed therapy because their problems were just too much for you to handle, because you're the type who's too reserved, too stiff upper lip, too emotionally frozen to ever discuss unseemly things like feelings and emotions.

No, I'm not bitter about my mother. I've resolved her reluctance for motherhood, and now that I've spent thousands of dollars in therapy and growth and development courses, I can understand why orchids were infinitely more appealing to her than her own children. I can go to an orchid show, and have good memories, because orchids are beautiful flowers, but that doesn't mean I don't remember the effect orchids have had on my life.

Then there's a Tulip Festival at Pier 39 that I'm going to attend. The last time I went to the Pier 39 Tulip festival I was with my friend Amy, who died a coupld of years of a brain tumor. We had so much fun that day, although poor Amy was so sick and walked very slowly and was already starting to lose her balance and mind. That day was of the last good times we had, before the illness started to take over her life and eventually take her life. I love tulips, and during tulip season I buy tulips every week. They were the only flowers I could draw when I was little, and I love that what I drew on paper looks the same in real life.

The war comes close to home, sort of. A member of my church congregation saw his 21 year old son off to Iraq last Sunday. He was sitting at my table at a church luncheon, and the poor man burst into tears when he talked about saying goodbye to his son that afternoon. The son is in the marine reserves, and he will be on duty for one year.

At the Wednesday evening prayer service, that same man was there and during the service he started crying again. It's so strange to see a grown man crying in public. The man talked about how his son was so proud to serve his country and be part of the marines. The son was looking forward to going to Iraq, and showing his patriotism.

My heart goes out to the man. It must be the most awful feeling to see your child go off to a war, and knowing he or she may never come back. I cannot even begin to know what that's like. I guess the only consolation I see is the son willingly volunteered, and wasn't drafted. The son goes in to the war, proud to serve his country and knowing full well that death could await him down the road.

I watched the movie "Gettysburg" last night. I'd been trying to track it down at various video stores, and I finally ran across a copy. I wanted to watch it in preparation for the movie, "Gods and Generals".

"Gettysburg" is a long movie, and could have used some judicious editing. The subject is very good, but the movie is just so slow moving. Martin Sheen plays General Robert E. Lee and Tom Berenger plays General Longstreet. The movie shows the famous ill-fated Pickett's charge, and was quite good at showing the decision making process which led to that particular battle. Actually, it wasn't a battle, it was a slaughter.

One of these days, I'd like to go to Gettysburg for the Civil Wargasm or civil war reenanctment that they put on every year. It's probably the kind of thing where you have to make your hotel reservations very far in advance, since it happens on the July 4th weekend.

Pittsburgh has a museum with the largest collection of Andy Warhol paintings, so I could do a combined Gettyburg and Pittsburgh trip. I've been to Pennsylvania before, but I've only ever thought about it as "that long state you have to drive through to get to New York". I've been to Philadelphia to see the Liberty Bell, and I had a boyfriend whose grandmother lived there somewhere and we went to visit her once, but that's it.

I'm seriously thinking about buying Shelby Foote's series of books on the Civil War. I really like Shelby Foote, and what he's had to say about the Civil War. For my elf girl stories, I need to understand military strategy so I can write out the battle scenes. I studied a little bit of military history and planning when I wrote my senior thesis in college. My senior thesis was "the effects of Post Traumatic Disorder on Vietnam War Veterans".

I read all of these analyses on how the Vietnam War was not a conventional war, and how the US military was unprepared to fight a guerilla war. I read about US military training techniques at the time, and a history of how wars had been fought in the past.

The research was all very interesting, and I loved it. War is a very fascinating subject. There is so much logic that goes into putting together a military campaign, which is so ironic to me because war is just not a logical thing. War is the most irrational and illogical thing in the world, yet logic governs the fighting of it. Even guerilla warfare has a certain logic to it.

I got into Robert Ludlum's whole "Jason Bourne" series, because the main character was this extremely smart and logical man who put his "smarts" to work for him when he became a violent killer and assasin. I like the dichotomy of a person being that intelligent and at the same time being that violent.

My new favorite radio song - "Time like These" by the Foo Fighters. I really like all their songs, especially the last one from the Orange County soundtrack. They are a really good group.

I still haven't filed my taxes, even though I'm getitng a big refund. I just haven't had the time time to review everything, but I'll probably send it this weekend. I decided to purchase Itsdeductable, a software program that you can use to track your deductions. I mostly got it so I can fully deduct my clothing donations. With all this weight loss, I have alot of clothes that I'll need to give away. I went through my closet yesterday,and was able to fill three shopping bags. Most of the clothes I'm donating are clothes that are now too big and I never really liked anyway, or have some kind of problem like it's not stylish.

I'm throwing out 16 tshirts, mostly old ones that I haven't worn in years and are now just way too big. The Itsdeduductible program values things a little bit more than I was doing in the past, but not by much. I don't normally throw clothes away until they're pretty well worn, and I don't really have too many expensive items. I've tried to give away to friends the really expensive clothes, which they seem to appreciate. I go over to this one friend's house, and her closet is full of my clothes. There's something so comforting about that.

Aaaahhhhh. The ending of Joe Millionaire made me cry. How romantic, in that typical Hollywood way. Of course it was going to be a happy ending, this is still Hollywood remember, seller of false dreams and reality, people who show us how life should be not how it really is, even on a "reality show".

I knew he would pick Zorah, although I had my doubts. The other one, the bondage queen, was just too much into the money. Zorah never talked about money ever. Even at the end, I still wasn't sure what Zorah was going to do. I love that twist at the end when they both got to split $1 million dollars. I bet the bondage queen is pissed. Poor Zorah didn't even have heat for a couple of months and used the old trick of turning on the oven to keep the house warm.

I am looking forward to next week's show because now that I've seen the fairy tale ending, I want to see the reality. The next show reminds me of the Broadway musical, "Into the Woods", where they showed what happened after the fairy tale ends. Reality is never quite as good as the fairy tale ending, and I'm sure next week's show will prove that.

Another interesting thing to note about France, French carrier prepares for Gulf deployment.

"Paris opposes military action against Iraq without UN backing, but the deployment of the carrier to the Gulf could be a signal that France fears being sidelined if Iraq is attacked."

France is covering all their bases, aren't they?

This is interesting. Despite France's opposition to a war on Iraq look at what they're doing, France To Vaccinate 150 Health Care, Justice Workers Against Smallpox.

"However, Mattei said France is "almost finished" building up stocks of 70 million doses of vaccine - more than enough to cover the country's population of 61.4 million in case the threat becomes real."

If France is so sure that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction, why are vaccinating and building up stocks of small pox vaccine? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Interesting. Even Pud from F*$@#edcompany.com said on the site, "So an estimated 100,000 pro-Saddam supporters in NYC were among the millions worldwide."