This is so damned cool! My local paper, the San Francisco Chronicle on their website www.sfgate.com, was asking readers to submit a 500 words or less write up on where they were on 9/11. I submitted to them on Wednesday night, an abbreviated version from what I wrote in my blog in August, under my pen name 'S. Brenda S...'.

I didn't think they were going to print it, but they did!!! Here's the link: Brenda's thoughts on 9/11.

God, this is so cool! I haven't published anything in about 10 years, and when I did publish I was writing articles not something about my personal feelings. I can't believe this! I am so psyched!!! Okay, I know it's my local paper and all, and I didn't get paid, but still. DAMN!!! I'm published!!!

I was trying to think back when I was my most healthiest thinest, and it had to be in high school. But then bad memories of me trying to find clothes came flooding back. In high school, I had a wide waist and no hips. Finding jeans that fit was such a pain in the wazoo. Jeans for women that fit my butt were too tight in the waist. If I bought women's jeans to fit my waist, the hips were way too big. The only jeans I could fit into was men's jeans. My favorite pair of high school jeans was a men's size 29 waist pair.

I decided to check the Lands End men's pants size chart. Sure enough the dimensions for the size 30 waist men's jeans had hips at 36 inches, which was my hip measurement in high school.

I'm hoping that now that I'm older, my body size has changed and that when I get to my goal weight I'll still have my hips. I like that I have hips, only because jeans shopping is a little easier and I can finally fit into women's jeans.

I think I read somewhere that Angeline Jolie has a wide waist too. She said she had a boyish figure. I wonder what jeans shopping is like for her.

I didn't list my goal weight earlier, so here it is: 130 pounds. I'm 5 ft 4 in.

This is the amount I weighed in my 20's, and I was very happy with my weight back then. I have a few more muscles now, than I did in my 20's, and since muscles way more, I don't see myself weighing less than 130. I have a medium to large frame too, so I think I can handle more weight. In my 20's at that weight I got my bad fat tested, and I was at under 20%. I've forgotten how low a woman's body fat percentage can go, before it causes problems like completely losing your menstrual cycle or having your cycle go haywire for few months. In the past, there were a couple of times when my body fat percentage got so low my menstrual cycle went haywire. I definitely don't want to repeat that experience. I'll have to get my body fat tested again, as I get closer to my goal.

I just looked a found a chart on the net which listed body fat percentages for women from the American Council on Exercise.
10-12% - essential fat, 14-20% - athletes, 21-24% - fitness, 25-31% - acceptable, 32% plus - obese.

I think when my cycle went haywire I was probably in the essential fat stage. The first time my cycle went haywire was during my bulemia days. The second time was when I was marathon running in my late 20's. I was cutting calories and running over 40 miles a week, which probably wasn't a good combo for me. The haywire menstrual cycle is so not good for your body.

There are consequences to everything you do in life, even the good things that you do for yourself. Earlier this year, I started seeing a chiropractor/healer in Berkeley. He corrected many balances that he saw in my body. Afterwards, he told me that my energy level was 92% and he was very amazed at my level. When I asked him why, he said that most people have an energy level of 80%. At the time, I didn't think much about what he said and did not think about what effect this added energy would have on my life.

I just received an email from a very good friend of mine, which said that I am hard to deal with because my energy is too high. My friend says she is in a tired depressive state, and she can't communicate with me because of my high energy.

I kind of feel bad, because I didn't know she was depressed, but at the same time I'm like I love my new energized state. I worked very hard and spent a ton of money to have an energy level at 92%. I can't help that my energy is way too high. Isn't that the point of life, to go through it with your hair on fire, living larger than life, having way too much fun, and having enough energy to do all things you dream of doing? That's how I view life.

I mean, sure I get depressed, but my depressive states don't last too long. I've been way too proactive in my life about reducing my level of misery. I've spent way too much money, and spent countless hours to acquire tools, books, tips, techniques to get me out of my depressive states. I've been in and out therapy since I was 21 years old, have been to every type of healer all over the country, all in pursuit of that seemingly impossible high energy, loving life state. I can't be depressed. I've spent way too much time and money so I wouldn't ever be depressed, and if I was depressed, it wouldn't last more than a couple of days.

I love my life. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's. Sure things can be improved, because there's always room for transformation and improvement, but I really love my life. I feel blessed, loved, and most of all I feel grateful that I have the life I have. Because I know, things could be worse, way worse, and I thank god that 99.9% of the time I wake up still feeling like I live the life of Reilly. I wish everybody in the world could feel about their life the way I feel about mine. It's a trippy, cool feeling, way better than being on any drug I've ever taken, and I've taken quite a few drugs in my life so I should know.

It's probably so weird to feel this good about your own life, but I do. I know where I came from, I know what my past was like, I've seen what my future would have been like if I had made different choices in my life, and I'm so darn, darn grateful that I have the life I have, because I know that at any point in my life, I could have gone the other way. I really feel this. And most of the time, I marvel that I didn't go the other way, that I didn't end up a drug addict, that I'm not homeless and tricking for a living, and that I'm not dead. I know that the only thing that separates me and the people who are at serious risk is the choice I made a every moment in life. At every moment in your life you have a choice, and your future always depends on that one choice, and your life depends on a series of moments and series of choices that you've made. It's always that one choice. And for whatever reason, maybe because it's really true that god takes care of fools and idiots, I didn't make that one choice which would have ultimately led to a horrible future.

And it's not that my childhood or my life was really bad or anything, because I've met people who had it worse, way worse. I just honestly believe that the only thing that prevented me from having a less than ideal future, was that one choice I made, that I kept consistently making at every moment in my life.