Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.

But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.

You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.

It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.

Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.

Last night was the first time I felt like my old self again. I don't think I've been myself since before July 21. That's sad isn't it. I even started to get freaked out again that I wasn't working hard enough on my writing. This was a good sign.

I slept through the night, and woke up not feeling anxious and not thinking about the red-haired guy and all the problems we were having. This was such a great feeling. I think the anxiety is still there, but at least it's not as strong as it used to be.

I've been dreaming a ton lately. I wonder if my anxiety stemmed from me not getting enough REM sleep, because I was so freaked about what's his face and kept waking up every four hours. I read in an article once that if you don't get enough REM sleep and dream, then you get anxious.

Whatever. At least I feel healthy and more like my old self. It feels like everything is going to work out again in my life, and I haven't felt that way since I met red-haired guy back in late July. That's a long for me not feel joy, isn't it? He hasn't called, and I bless him every day for that. Maybe he did love me just enough to let me go in peace. That's what I'd like to think anyway. I'm starting to feel happy again, and hopefully it will continue. I'd like to go back to where I was just freaking about not writing and not everything else in my life. That would be nice, really nice.

And here's my update for this week on the www.sfist.com website. This week's update even had people commenting. People feeling schadenfreude for yours truly, my cynical self says. But my sweet self is so touched by all the words of encouragement by total strangers. Isn't it sad that totally random strangers can be so sympathetic, whilst the people who we think should love us don't care?

The Glory of Words.

On the dating front, I finally ended it hopefully for the final and last time with the red-haired boy on Wednedsay November 17. I'm going on 7 days with no contact from him (this is a long time for us), so hopefully he took it to heart when I told him "I hope that you love me enough to let me go and not call." Well that and I also told him that if he starts calling again and bugging me, my cell phone company said they could change my cell number in an hour and I'd still get a 415 area code number.

The boy was just stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to break up with him on October 1, and I don't think I was really ready to end it anyway. It was an impulsive break up on my part. But six weeks have passed since then and things weren't getting any better and in fact, they were getting really boring. My experience with him in LA didn't help either, and he thought LA sucked as well.

So I just cut the chord and yes it did sting, but surprisingly it didn't hurt too much. But I've been trying to end it since October 1, so maybe I've already experienced all the hurt I was going to feel. Whenever I think of him, it feels like it's out habit more than out of any real feeling. I don't even think I ever loved him, but I guess when I said it I did at the time.

He's definitely the first guy in my life that I'm hoping I never get back together with, which is so strange because I've always wanted to get back with guys I've been in relationships with. I never thought I'd ever date a guy I wouldn't want to date again just a little bit, but I guess there's a first time for every experience. It's not that I hate him or anything like that. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm just so over the whole thing with him big time, like really big time.

So just because I've been under the weather, doesn't mean I haven't been writing or writing about writing.

I've been doing the weekly updates to the www.sfist.com website about my Nanawromo experience. Here's my update for November 15, 2004.

An Update on our Nanowrimo Writer.

So today is the first day I actually kind of feel like my old self. Thanks to the herbs from my monthly acupuncturist visit, my phlegmy flu is gone. It wasn't really a bad flu. I just had a sore throat, which made me cough a ton. But my body must have been fighting off something fierce because I was tired all the time but still unable to sleep due to all the coughing.

I don't know about you, but sleep is how I cure all my colds. If I can force myself to sleep, I know I'll get over any cold. My problem is I'm an insominiac and have been one for years, and I normally only get about 6 to 6.5 hours of sleep anyway. If I get less than six hours of sleep, my immune system starts to break down. If I get more than 6.5 hours of sleep, I get depressed and cranky. It's a bizarre delicate balancing system that I have to go through just to keep myself "normal".

I wish I was one of those people who could sleep longer. Sometimes when I do manage to sleep for 7-8 hours, I feel really good which must mean I should probably sleep more. But when I sleep for that long, my mind starts to freak out and I start thinking that I'm sleeping my life away and must be depressed or something. Then the cycle starts and I start to reexamine my life, and then boy do I get grumpy.

I don't know if I'm a type-A personality who has to constantly go around with their hair on fire and running from one crisis to the next, but if I'm not constantly on the go or doing something to the point of exhaustion then life feels like totally boring to me. And god forbid I should lead a boring mundane existence.

Many apologies for the lack of posting, but writing about my life on my blog was not very appealing. But not to worry. I'm getting healthier every day, and soon I'll be back ranting about my life again.

Add to my list of job duties:

Writer and creator of monthly senior management newsletter on trends in healthcare quality measurement.

I am doing way too much writing in my job.

Did I mention I wrote up two tutorials to be made into cd-roms for a couple of tools on the company website. I am also the reluctant writer of the website FAQs for my program.

Again, I repeat. I am doing way too much writing in my real job. Is this why I can't write in personal life?

I've had a slight infection in my lungs since Monday. It's one of the hazards of travelling, 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and meeting lots of new people in a different city.

I noticed it on Monday morning when I woke up and my throat was very dry, and by that eveving it became progressively worse. It's not a full blown cold yet because I've been able to fight it off, but it's been zapping my energy so I'm not writing much and trying to sleep.

If I could just sleep for 8 hours straight and not wake up, I know I'd heal myself. But my anxiety is back up and so I sleep fitfully and keep waking up. Not the best healing condition for a infection that's just waiting to turn into a cold or the flu.

I think I'll spend the weekend at home, trying to get caught up with my writing and working on my film history paper that is due next Thursday; in between movie watching of course. It's time like these I'm glad I'm not in a full blown relationship, and I can schedule my time all for myself and what I need to do. I don't know what guy would put up with my schedule demands.

Memo to self:

Do not invite the current man you are seeing to next year’s screenwriting expo on Sunday night. Two weeks before, I know it sounded like a great idea, but it so wasn’t. We’re talking like an epic style disaster in the making. Just don’t do it.

The screenwriting expo is an escape into the Hollywood/Los Angeles reality of maybe, just maybe I’ll write that one screenplay that the studio executives will love and I’ll make wads and wads of money.

Never mind that Hollywood studio execs are fearful of losing their jobs and being the one to greenlight the next ‘Ishtar’ or ‘Waterworld’. Never mind that Hollywood studio execs are trolling thru the Japanese cinema to remake the next runaway Japanese horror flick adaptation. Never mind that the Southeast Asian market is starting to become exceedingly more profitable than the US market, and those audiences want ‘blood, blood and more blood’, which means Hollywood studio execs want ‘blood, blood, and more blood.’

But wait a minute … there are screenwriters out there who’ve made it. There are screenwriting experts galore who for three days teach you the screenwriting secret mantra, ‘Good characters and story still sell in Hollywood.’

But on Sunday night when you’re exhausted from:

1) having supershuttle pick you up at god awful hour so you could make the 6:30 am flight to LAX, then being in seminars from 1 pmm to 8:30 pm on Friday not to mention being up till 1:30 am chatting with the cute guy who says he’s optioned two films and is a budding Hollywood producer (everyone at the expo was a budding Hollywood producer), and marveling at the amazing gene pool of men who are at the party because Hollywood is always full of pretty people.

2) Waking up on Saturday at 6 am to iron your clothes for the next two days, then going on a run around the LA Convention Center at 6:30 am because all that great mexican beer you drank the night before made you feel fat and you’re afraid of not fitting into your clothes, then attending seminars from 8 am to 8:30 pm and then partying at the Networking party and wondering how much you need to speak to on the guys who wrote Shrek, and then ending up at another bar and chowing down on Domino’s pizza because it’s the only pizza place open in downtown LA that will deliver and getting to bed at 2 am.

3) And then finally it’s Sunday and you’ve slept in till 7 am and attended seminars from 10 am to 1:30 pm and attended the closing ceremony exhausted but happy that you came and swearing to yourself that you’ll get your writing act together and finish that screenplay and write three new screenplays to pitch at next year’s expo.

It’s like so anti-climatic to see someone from your 'normal real world' show up to take you to dinner, and all you can talk about is all the guys you’ve met, and how cute Aaron Sorkin is. And your guy looks at you like he doesn’t really quite like you right now and you feel guilty as hell that you’re talking about other guys, and mad as hell at yourself for even inviting him.

And then you end up flying back home on Monday morning and crying from sheer exhaustion and misery at 7 pm as you check your 80 plus personal email messages because now you’re thinking it’s totally over between you and your current guy, never mind that you’ve been trying to break up with him since October 1 and he doesn’t deserve any of your attention anyway.

Having your fantasy/dream worlds and real worlds collide like that on a Sunday night at 7 pm in Los Angeles in close proximity to Hollywood, maker of fantasy/dream worlds, is just such a bummer, a huge, huge bummer.

So my friend Jon got me a gig for the month of November as a guest columnist on the SFist.com website, doing updates on my Nanowrimo progress.

Check the link out: SFist writes about Nanowrimo.

I am "Brenda" friend of SFist. Thanks for the gig, Jon.

Back from my weekend in LA at the screenwritng conference. I'll blog more about it later. Interesting to note. In LA, my anxiety completeley disappeared. Now it's Tuesday morning at work, and my anxiety is back in full force and I can't feel my teeth.

Yes, LA is truly an escape from reality. Too bad it's too difficult to live and stay there.

I tried to post yesterday, but blogger was so slow. Everyone and their mother was blogging about election yesterday it seems. And in the midst of it all, I've been doing the National Novel Writing Month marathon again.

Here's a brief summary of my new novel.

My Nanowrimo novel title: Changing Timelines

The time is 35 years into the future. The world is on the brink of war, and a naïve scientist has sold to the US government the ultimate doomsday bomb, as a first strike mutual deterrence weapon. Tensions are high as the rest of the world feverishly races to arm themselves. His wife Tatsinda must travel back in time with the help of her husband’s greatest adversary to prevent the start of his research project which started when they were first dating. What’s at stake is the future of the world and future of her marriage with her beloved husband? Can she prevent him from starting work on his doomsday weapon without if affecting their relationship and eventual marriage? Will her attraction to her husband’s former best friend and greatest enemy in the future affect their relationship in the past? Can you change events in the past to affect the future? Can you change the timelines, or are some timelines, some loves, some relationships unalterable?

I have chapter titles as well. Mostly I use them as a trigger to let me know what needs to happen in each chapter and where in the plot I'm supposed to be. I have a plot and I know how it's going to end, I just don't know what my characters do to get there. I guess I'll have to write and find out.

Chapter 1 – What you love, you must now destroy
Chapter 2 – Love thy enemy
Chapter 3 – Every love has a beginning, every destruction a seed
Chapter 4 – Hate is the opposite of love
Chapter 5 – To love is a choice
Chapter 6 – Choice is sometimes a loop
Chapter 7 – Rewriting history isn’t what you think
Chapter 8 – The past affects the future, the future affects the past
Chapter 9 – A heart breaks across time and space
Chapter 10 – Some things can’t be altered
Chapter 11 – Two loves can’t exist in the same time and space
Chapter 12 – Sometimes love is almost too permanent.

I'm writing in third person instead of first, and I'm not used to writing from that point of view and it's hard.

So why the name Tatsinda? A friend from highschool told me she wanted to name her daughter that name. I have no idea where she got the name, but it's been stuck in my head since my teens. That friend went on college at Stanford; her father, brother and sister went to school there as well. I have no idea where she is now.

So the Shrubmeister won and I'm saddened, but definitely not surprised. I've been predicting it all along, but just because I'm an very amateurish political analyst doesn't mean I like the results I come up with.

What amazes me is the level of surprise in the media. I mean, is anyone really that surprised by the results of the presidential election, the senate races and the House of Reps? Hey, but I guess incredulity sells newspapers and tv time doesn't it?

Try this very soon, before someone gets Google to change its site:

1) Go to www.google.com (it also works with google.de)
2) Type in: weapons of mass destruction (DO NOT hit return button!)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully.

Someone at Google has a sense of humor. And will probably be fired soon...

Sunday October 24 wasn’t much better, except it did stop raining. My six-year old niece promptly woke up at 5 am, because to her little body she was still on Texas time and it was 7 am there. Kids are great because they’re like automatic alarm clocks, but if you’re tired then maybe having a living breathing automatic alarm clock in the house isn’t a good idea.

My aunt from Florida called and wanted us to meet them for lunch, so we hopped in the car and went to Oakland. The thing with having a kid is you have to build an extra hour into everything you do, because you have to make sure they get dressed and ready as well. Then there’s the let’s load up a bag with things for the kid to do because god forbid the kid gets bored and starts running around and wrecking havoc all over the place.

We picked up my aunt and uncle at their hotel and went to Jack London Square for lunch. Since my niece was with us we wanted to go to a kid-friendly place with kiddie menus, so we ended at TGIF’s. The place was loaded with families and their children out for Sunday brunch, so at least we were at the right kind of place. TGIF’s even had a menu and pack of crayons to give to kids to keep them entertained while they wait with their parents for their food.

At the end of the luncheon, my six-year old niece pulls out her lipstick, lip gloss and mirror and starts doing her lips. My aunt had this horrified look on her face as she wanted my niece. I had seen my niece do this the day before so I wasn’t surprised. Afterwards my aunt confided in me that she had never seen a girl so young put on lipstick before by herself. I laughed and told her, “They start them very young these days. You should see her perfectly manicured toe nails.” Did I mention that my niece gets manicures and pedicures from her dad when he comes to town?

The body viewing and wake for my uncle was at 2 pm, and at 5 pm there was going to be a rosary. Finding the funeral home was an ordeal. I hate driving in suburbs. The streets aren’t well marked and you can so easily lost, but after circling around twice we finally managed to find the place.

My six-year old niece is a trip. She had never seen a dead body in her life, and she just marched herself right up to the casket and touched the dead body of her grandfather. I’ve been going to funerals since I was little and I never did that. Everyone was kind of in awe and shock, because some members of the family couldn’t even walk to the casket let alone touch the dead body.

And since it was a funeral, the family traumarama continued. My departed uncle’s first wife, the mother of my cousin, showed up with her other two children. I didn’t think my aunt was going to show up because she had gone through a very acrimonious divorce with my uncle, and was still bitter and angry. My uncle was still with the woman who had broken up her marriage and family, and had been with her for over 27 years. Can you blame her? I don’t know if I could have forgiven the guy either. But hey we’re all civil and it’s funeral after all, and instead of the family-screaming match I had been expecting, my side of the family was very cordial and friendly. My other aunt’s family was smart, and they just stayed away. My uncle had been very vocal in his life about his feelings towards his first wife.

And this all happened in the first two hours of the body viewing. We still haven’t gotten to the rosary. More to come.

My Friday night wasn’t so bad. As soon as I told red-haired guy we needed to be friends, my anxiety stopped and it’s not come back. Not sure what this means or if what I said to him had anything to do with it, but at least my anxiety is gone for now.

On Saturday, I went to pick my cousin and her six-year-old daughter up at the airport. It was a rainy day in San Francisco and it was kind of depressing. They were hungry so went to Stonestown, a local mall on the way home, to eat and shop. My cousin said her daughter didn’t have any black clothes, so we went shopping for kids clothes.

My six-year-old niece is very talkative, very spoiled, and striking self-possessed for her age. We went into this shop called ‘The Children’s Place’, and I pulled out what I thought looked like a nice black stretch velvet dress. My niece took one look at the dress and said, ‘That’s not my style. The clothes here are all ugly too.’ I took one look at my cousin, and she said her daughter was very picky about clothes. So I said fine, let’s go to Nordstrom to see what we can find.

We headed up to the Nordstrom Children’s department. My niece saw a mannequin wearing a long black stretch velvet skirt, a glittery black tee-shirt and a black sweater with a fake black fur collar, and said ‘I like this outfit, it’s my style.’ I looked at the price of the outfit and it was about $100. I mean she was right, there weren’t other decent outfits in black in the whole place, but to hear that coming from a six-year-old was a little odd.

The same thing happened when we tried to get shoes. My niece was so picky about her shoes, that my cousin told the salesperson to just bring every black shoe out in my niece’s size. My niece looked at every shoe carefully before picking out a pair of black patent mary jane flats, pairing them with white sox with a glittery fringe. My cousin added a headband and forked out $150 for her six-year-old’s daughter’s outfit.

Kid’s clothes are so expensive. All the grown up shoe brands had miniature versions of their shoes in the children’s shoe section. I saw a couple buying a pair of Nikes for their baby in diapers. Manufacturers are smart. They start out brand loyalty on the very young.

My life these last few days have a tangle of emotions. I took Friday October 22 off because I kind of just felt like staying home and dealing with the news of my uncle’s death. I had scheduled to take two days off for his wedding in November, so I told my boss I was going to take the time off now. She was very nice, and said take as much time as I needed.

I had a major, major anxiety attack on Friday morning, so major that my hand was shaking like I had Parkinson’s or something, and I was afraid to leave the house. I talked to a friend of mine, and she wanted me to call my primary care physician and get a prescription for an anti-depressant. In between all of this, my family kept calling telling me of their plans to fly into San Francisco and could I pick them up. Then my aunt and uncle who were already visiting from Florida were asking me if I was going to hang out with them that day.

I also spoke that morning to my dearly departed uncle’s wife and I asked her if she had called my uncle’s estranged children to let them know he was dead. She was understandably scattered, and told me "I’m sure somebody is calling them." I was concerned about my cousin, my uncle’s daughter who lives out in Texas, so I emailed her.

Next thing I know, my cousin calls me back and just starts wailing on the phone for five minutes. Poor thing. Nobody told her. I felt so bad for so I suggested that she could stay at my house, then I felt guilty because I knew if she took me up on the offer I was going to have to figure out how to get my aunt and cousin from the airport on Saturday night. My cousin said she’d let me know later that night if she was coming and all the details.

Then I got more freaked out and called my brother because I figured nobody told him either. My brother was his usual calm self, and did his best to ease my fears. He’s a good brother for that kind of thing. Then afterwards I called red-haired guy and told him we should be friends because life is short, and it hurt too much to not be friends at him. I was like "this close" to being okay with never having contact with him again for the rest of my life, and now I was like in tears on the phone telling the guy we needed to be friends.

And this was just my Friday day. More later.

So I decided to join the National Novel Writing Month group again, and I'm about to write a novel in November. I wasn't going to do it, but I think the exercise of writing every day will keep my mind off my roller coaster ride of a life. My life is one big trauma right now, and I need to do some serious writing to keep me from getting too depressed.

I got into this habit where I'm writing constant letters to my future self 20 years into the future, to ask advice about what I'm going through. It's really trippy because my future self writes back about a future I'm supposed to have which seems so impossible. My future self says she went through the same things I have, but she never wrote letters to her future self the way I'm doing right now. She keeps saying some things in a person's timeline can't be changed. Anyway it's kind of like having an running argument with myself, and it kind of keeps me amused and thinking about things.

But my future self letters have me really interested in writing a story about a character trying to change her future. So I titled my new novel "Changing Timelines", and it will be about a character who discovers a way to remote view into the future and who of course (like her creator) so does not like the future she sees that she tries desperately to change the timeline.

My future self keeps writing to me that while I do have free choice and free will in my life, some timelines cannot be changed. And when my future self says timelines, she means that a certain person will always be in my life no matter what I do. She says it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, if the other person does choose to take a different path, then the person remains in my timeline.

I hate her vision of the how the future works, because it makes me across like a passive victim and I don't believe I'm that. But my future self insists that there are other forces, divine forces at work, that brought us together and which I cannot tear apart. And I hate this interpretation! So I spend many letters arguing about free will, free choice, divine intervention, god's will, god's plan, and on an on with my future self. I am definitely at war with myself right now, and I guess it helps psychologically to argue with myself on paper.

Anyway, all this traumarama makes for an interesting novel about what a person would be willing to do to change a future they don't want. Like how far would my character be willing to go to change her future? Would she be willing to commit crimes, maybe even murder to change her future? I couldn't do that myself, so maybe I need to write about a character who does just to see how far I would really go in a fictional world.

I could explore the ethics lesson I had in grade school. Does the ends equal the means or the means equal the end? In other words, would I be willing to kill if it meant I would be preventing something equally horrible happening. And in grade school I told my teacher I don't know, it depends on the situation. And she just looked at me and said I was "situationalist" and that I saw the world in shades of grey and not in black and white. Looks like I was a post modernist thinker even in my youth. You can thank my hippie grade school teachers for it. They started us on the post modernist track very young.

It's definitely a sign of something that the Boston Redsox beat the evil NY Yankees empire. Yes, there are miracles sometimes in life, if only for a little while.

Pray for my repose of my uncle's soul who was sick back on memorial day. He passed this afternoon. My aunt said he knew it too, and even though he was serene and peaceful at the end, tears rolled out of his right eye. My aunt said it was sad, very sad. He was young too, only 61 years old and about to retire. He and my aunt were looking forward to spending their golden years together.

You just never know when you're going to go.

After all the dramarama of running into my ex-hubby, and then spending half an hour talking to a friend of mine in front of Blockbuster as she tried to calm me down about running into him, I did manage to get to Starfreaks and write for an hour.

I had some more things to write for Elf Girl story, mainly how my main character hated the younger brother for dying and leaving her to defend the kingdom and lead the armies. It's irrational to hate a six-year old for dying because it's not like he had a choice, but my main character is a child herself and she has to be angry at someone. So why not hate the younger brother for dying and leaving her to deal with the mess?

Plus there's the guilt she has for being unprepared to fight, the guilt for the irrational hatred of her brother, the anger for being robbed of her childhood, the guilt for all the mistakes she made in those first few years which almost led to the complete decimation of her army.

Irrational anger and guilt intertwined like challah bread is really weird and interesting to write about. And I wrote it all on my new Palm Tungsten E with my mini free foldup keyboard. I love it. I don't need to be near an outlet, and I can just type away. I probably should figure out how to get an extra power source, should I ever run out of juice. Writing for an hour wiped out about 1/3 of my battery power. Still, it beats having to lug a laptop around right now.

My past is coming back to haunt me.

Haunt # 1 - On the way to the movie rental place last night, I ran into my ex-husband. Talk about shocking! I hadn’t seen him in what, 14 or more years. We talk on the phone and we email, but I haven’t seen him in ages. I think the last time I saw him was at a gathering in Portland Oregon of mutual friends.

I was so freaked out, I think I was kind of rude to him and then when he wanted to me to meet his girlfriend, I was like "I don’t think so." It’s not like I’m jealous, it’s more like I don’t really want to know that much about his personal life. My ex-hub was his usual nasty self and he lashed out and said "she loves me more than you ever did", which was really quite uncalled for and very inappropriate. But you know, the guy was probably right. We were never a good fit, and we couldn’t love each other the way we each needed to be loved to make the marriage last. He’s been with his girlfriend longer than we were ever together, although they still aren’t married and don’t even live together.

Haunt # 2 – While waiting in the rain for the train to take me to work, this guy comes over and starts talking to me about how late the trains were. Talk about blast from the past. The guy looked exactly like the kind of guy I wanted to marry in college. He was your typical New York City jewish looking intellectual type with glasses, a little nerdy, tall with dark hair and brown eyes. He was the kind of guy I would fantasize that I would be married to, and living with in an apartment on Central Park West. We would go to old movies and argue about them like in a Woody Allen movie. We would take walks in Central Park, explore the Village on the weekends, go to the Met or the Guggenheim to see art, and hunt around furiously for cheap sushi places in little Tokyo. We’d spend hours arguing about finer points of harvard liberal politics, books, philosophy, and why jazz after 1970 isn’t as good as jazz in the 1950’s.

When we got on separate trains, I was berating myself for not following him. He got off at my stop, but took a different escalator. Maybe I’ll run into him on the train again.

I haven’t met a guy quite this one in a very long time, and it was kind of like having an old fantasy come to life and start talking to you. Very strange. Red-haired guy is the kind of guy that I would never have been attracted to in college, and up until a few years ago wouldn’t have even bothered talking to. Maybe red-haired guy was right when he teases that I’m at heart "a snobby girl". There’s more truth to what he teases me about than he’ll ever know.

Haunt # 3 – I received an email this morning from a co-worker at my last job. I haven’t heard from her in six months. She was just emailing to say hello, and said nothing has changed at my old company. It makes me wonder if there’s more to the email than what she’s letting on, but she hasn’t emailed back. I hope she’s okay. Maybe she wants to come and work for my company.

I'm in the trenches trying to fight off an impending flu. My boss had it, went on anti-biotics for 10 days which didn't help, and now she thinks she has pneumonia. This is bad.

Not to mention my anxiety level is at an all-time high, and I wake up every morning feeling anxious as all heck. Waves of anxiety hit me like a pulse wave hitting my protective shield. I get a little shiver in an appendage, and if it gets really bad like it is now, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Today I have an added symptom because I'm starting to grind my teeth at work. I can feel my jaw quivering like crazy, and I only get like this if I'm really stressed out.

The breakup with red-haired guy is not going well. He does not want to break up ever, and it's becoming a problem. And no, I don't think friendship is a good alternative for us and I've only ever said this to one other guy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have to go through this again either.

It's my karma to attract obsessive crazies!

I haven't thought about my Elf Girl Chronicles story in a long time, but I got this bit this morning as I waiting for the bus to go to my acupuncture appointment. I've been trying to figure out how the war started between non-human realms and the humans, and this is the reason.

*************
The reason the Elfin war with the humans started ...

I had a brother, a younger brother. I was seven when he was born. He was the son my parents always wanted, prayed for. He would be heir to my father's throne. He would be king, and I would be high priestess and share the duty of running our kingdom, just as my father and his brother my uncle had done.

I helped me to raise him, and I loved him as if he were my own. When I left for school I was heartbroken to leave him, as I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.

Little did I know then what role he would play in the destruction of our world, our kingdom, our people, and our realm. It was his death that would start the war. My uncle had persuaded father to sacrifice my brother to appease triumverate of evil. in truth, my brother's death was to show the triumverate our loyalty to their cause, but I'm sure my father had known none of this. If he did, I'm sure he would not have agreed to sacrifice his only heir, his only son, his royal progeny.

No, my father thought he was doing the right thing, thought he would appease the triumverate and avert more killings, more bloodshed, avert the harm that he thought would come to our people.

Blood sacrifice was a human ritual, such barbarism did not exist in our realm or any other non-human realm until the humans came and tried to take over the kingdom.

But my father, and especially my uncle, had not calculated the ripple effect of their blood sacrifice. Instead of appeasement, the triumverate then demanded that the king of each realm sacrifice one of their children to them.

It was then we knew, that the systematic destruction of our people, our realm, our kingdom, our people would not stop.

The fragile alliance that my father had built between himself and other kings throughout the land dissolved. They other kings abandoned my father, and he and my uncle became prisoners. And age 15 I became the defacto ruler of my kingdom. I had no choice then, I had to to fight. I had to lead what was left of my father's army, I had to avenge my brother's death.

I left school then and took what little knowledge I had learned in the two years of school about my burgeoning powers and use them to fight, to fight for our family, our honour, our people and our kingdom.

And my poor brother, perhaps he was lucky to die before the war started. Perhaps he was lucky that he was not witness the destruction and degradation that would happen to our world. He did not live to see our people enslaved, he did not live to see our beloved mother and father tortured and hung high above the castle walls for everyone to see and to serve as a warning to all those who chose to disobey the triumverate.

He did not leave to see what I had to become, what I was forced to become, an avenging killing angel,who killed in his name, in his honour, until I was hunted down and finally captured, and tortured and then enslaved, and then changed never to become or be born again into an elfin incarnation, but to always be born an imperfect human.
************

I didn't know until today that my elf girl character had a younger brother, but of course as I was writing it it all made sense. There had to be legitimate reason why the war started, and why not a blood sacrific of a child, which echoes Abraham sacrificing Isaac to his god, and then god sending his only Jesus Christ as a sacrifice to die for our sins.

But in Abraham's time, the God of Israel halted Abraham from killing Isaace, and JC died to save us from sin and to give us eternal life. But my poor royal elf boy's death will cause the ultimate destruction of the kingdom and world that he was to inherit. And somehow there is something very fitting in echoing the sacrific of the male heir and child, but twisting the outcome a bit.

So the presidential debates are over, and this is where the "real election" starts. This is where the rubber hits the road, and both parties must rally the base and the troops. And what the average voter who doesn't understand very much about the voting process in this country doesn't realize is the person who wins the election, as in any war, is the person with the most troops on the ground is the one who wins.

And if the 2000 election is any indication of the strength of the GOP vs. DNC, and how the Gore had no troops on the ground in Florida to tell him what was going on, then well, expect the person in the White House to remain the same.

The DNC is so fractured, with the party splitting off with the Greens and other alternative parties, that their ground troops base in all states are weak and ineffectual at best. All elections are local. Case in point. The Democratic party had to fight the Greens off during the last mayoral election in San Francisco, where one would think the Demos have a hell of foothold. So much for the strength of the democrats. You don't hear about the republicans having to fight off splitoffs from their party in local elections, do you?

It was strange to read in the news this morning that baseball great Ken Caminiti died. I remember hearing him in an interview on the Jim Rome radio show "The Jungle" just a few months ago. The guy was too young to die at 41 years old, but he did have problems.

Christopher Reeve dying was not shocking but sad. It was difficult for me to look at him whenever he was on TV; he just looked so "immobile". Was it relief for him that he died and for his family? The man was barely functional, although he did many good things in his altered state.

All my astrology website are saying that there's a solar eclipse on the October 13, and it's about about karma. Mine has been unusually good until now. I like to believe that I've lived a charmed life so far, and that I haven't been exposed to very many bad people. But the problem with leading a charmed life is I'm so unaware how many completely jerky people there are in this world.

Most people I've met have been so honorable, so full of integrity, that when I run across world-class jerk it's so shocking to me. Plus I have no coping skills to deal with people who aren't honest and honorable. These kinds of people don't exist in my world. Or maybe they always did, but I've managed to avoid them like the plague. But every charmed girl's luck has to run out sometime doesn't it? And mine has definitely run out these last few months.

Friends have told it's just life, that there are all kinds of people in this world and I've just been lucky and fortunate in never having to deal with worst kinds of people. But this charmed girl hates the "real world" life, and wants to go back to the world where people are all nice, honorable and truthful.

Because I'm in that kind of mood, and I don't give a rat's wazoo that it's like so wussy to post song lyrics, I'm posting the lyrics to one of my recent favorite songs.

"Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd - I love the excruciating anger in this song ... it so matches my mood right, and besides I just heard it on Live 105.

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

What is it with me and guys? Every guy I've ever dated has like some kind of sixth sense or a break-up radar when it comes to me. They can tell when I'm about to break up with them, and they respond and pour on the lovey-dovey stuff, like just calling you to say hi and to tell you what a hottie you are. And I'm like, I hate you, I so hate you right now.

It's wimpy and cowardly as all heck, but sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to run away, cut off the communication, and just not deal with it. And hopefully it will go away on its own accord without any more outpouring of emotion or drama or energy.

So I'm not going to deal with my feelings about red-haired guy. It's taking way too much time and energy on my part, and I have little of both to spare right now. I know I'm going to wake up one day soon and I won't feel bummed any more. At least that's what I'm hoping.

I wrote on Sunday, so maybe writing is once again my only salvation.

I received my official City and County of San Francisco absentee ballot today, and I'm like should I vote now or wait to see where things are headed.

John Kerry and John Edwards are fourth on my ballot, and the Shrubmeister and "Richard (not Dick) Cheney" are last on the list. There are presidential candidates from the Libertarian, American Independent, Peace aand Freedom and Green Party also on the ballot. And I'm like who the heck are these people, because I've never even seen their names mentioned anywhere until I opened my ballot.

And because it's California, there's a host of state propositions and measures as well as SF city propoisitons and measures, and even a BART proposition. Plus, you get the vote for the school board, where I think voting is most crucial for anyone living in the City and County of San Francisco. If we're going to turn around this city, it starts at who gets on the School Board.

I've been very blue this week. My good mood finally soured and I was missing my red-haired boy very much. He called to say Hi, but our conversation was very short and not very satisfying. He wants to be friends, don't they all? And I'm like whatever. Let's see what he thinks friendship means.

Work has been very busy this week, and looks like it's going to ramp up again and we're now preparing for our next Board meeting in January. Oh boy!

I need to get back to my writing and working out schedule. I'm dying to try to write on my new Palm at a coffeeshop, and then hit the gym. That schedule was so good for me and I got off it for the political conventions, and then it was so easy to not get into it. But it's time for my little vacation to end.

I'm trying to decide if I wanted to attempt the National Novel Writing Month next month. I'm going to try and write on my Palm. I don't really want to start another novel, and I'd like to use the time to finish the ones I already started. That is however cheating since the NANOWRIMO folks want their people to start from scratch. I could work on my dwarf novel. That novel is barely started and I could start from the beginning again. If I'm going to participate in NANOWRIMO, I'm going to have to decide soon.

Other than I've been tired, probably from depression more than anything else. They say time heals all things, and when I think back to all the times I've broken up with guys, I honestly can't remember much except for a few incidents. Either I blocked those experiences out, or they weren't that bad. Maybe all I need is time and then there's my trip to LA to look forward to.

I've decided I can't be objective about John Edwards. He looks like my first love, and I am just in love with him. He is just so darn cute. I know my first love would have aged as well as Edwards seems to have. My first love was born in Virginia and he had that slight southern twang in his voice, and I'm just a sucker for a cute guy with a southern accent.

Plus, you know Dick Cheney is just scary. I heard a commentator says Cheney looks like the kind of guy who turns you down for loans, or the nasty corporate boss who hands you your pink slip.

Anyway, I'm not a swing voter. Like the debates really matter to someone like who's never voted republican for president in their entire voting life. And if Howard Dean was the nominee, I just wouldn't vote for president. I've skipped voting for people before because I didn't like the democratic candidate. Take Senator Diane Feinstein, I've never ever voted for her. I never once voted for former mayor of San Francisco Willie Brown either.

But I'll definitely vote for Kerry and Edwards.

I watched the presidential debate, and migrated the info from my Palm V to my new Palm Tungsten E. I love the wireless keyboard; it so cool! I'm definitely going to have to take it to a coffeeshop and write with it. I love new tech toys.

I need to figure out if I want a purchase a dictionary for my Palm, and other fun software. I was even thinking of putting music on my Palm, but the few songs that I have on my computer take up 346 MB. I'd have to get a 512 mb expansion card. I'm still not sure about getting Ipod.

I love listening to the radio to hear new songs. Most of the people I know who have Ipods, listen to their Ipods in their car to the same songs over and over again. They never listen to the radio or new songs. I have to listen to new songs, and I'm kind of bummed that I don't drive as much as I used because I listened to the radio a lot in my car.

Now I want a laptop; I seriously want a laptop. Should I be seriously trendy and buy a Mac, the laptop I've fantasized about owning for a long time? It's supposedly really trendy to drive a Volkswagen and own a Mac laptop. I love my Golf because it's small and very fast, not because it's a trendy car. My Siegfried VW is such a great car!

Or should I buy a Dell 300M from the outlet because it only weighs 3.1 pounds. Does 1 or 2 pounds really make a difference? Stay tuned ...

Wouldn’t it be fun to write a novel where the female character accidentally runs into two different versions of herself because of some strange rip in time, like say brought about by the pentagram that formed in space over the weekend.

--An amazingly rare, deeply auspicious planetary pattern is being formed in the sky today (October 1) . It involves the Sun, The Moon, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus, dividing the sky into exactly equal sectors of 72 degrees. Because the Sun is also forming a quadruple conjunction with Mars, Mercury and Jupiter, their influence is drawn in too.

We do not know how important these angles of 72 degrees were to the ancients but we do know they were considered crucial by Johan Kepler who lived between 1571 and 1630. Kepler is often called the father of modern astronomy because he worked out that the orbits of the planets are not circular but egg-shaped. He was also a keen astrologer with a reputation for accurate predictions. Kepler insisted that such 'Quintiles' denoted great ease and opportunity.

John Addey, one of the 20th century's greatest astrologers, was also excited by these alignments. He said they represented the zodiac's 'fifth harmonic' and revealed hidden spiritual secrets about the cosmic order.

If he, or Kepler, were still alive today, they'd be gobsmacked to see not one, but five, such alignments, all happening at once, creating the pattern of a perfect pentagram. The powerful pattern has been building up all week. It's a time when magical things become possible. Weirdly and intriguingly, this historic alignment repeats on October 28, at the very moment of the next lunar eclipse! --

So the premise would be the pentagram forms a rip in the time continuum that lasts from October 1 through October 28, and the main character through a series of strange coincidences runs into two different versions of herself. The only thing that separates the three lives is a decision each made regarding the same man they were all seeing a year previously.

Self 1 – slept with the guy on the first date after meeting the guy
Self 2 – dumped the guy after the first date
Self 3 (the current self who discovers the other two) – dumped the guy at first, then reconnected a few months later.

The novel would be about Self 3 finding out the consequences of each decision of the other two selves, and of course each decision turned out very differently. I’m even thinking I could put a little domestic mayhem in one of the stories just for dramatic effect. Each story would have to radically different for the total story to have any juice, and probably some kind of moral conclusion although what that moral conclusion would be is unknown to me right now.

The story would have to take place in the 28 day time frame, and maybe each of the characters would trade lives because they’re all the same person. So the selves would each get to experience each other’s lives. That would mean creating some kind of device to get the characters into the three parallel worlds, and I’m thinking like maybe they’re all interested in astrology and on October 1, they were attending in their separate worlds an astrology meeting at a nearby observatory. At some point in the night, they got lost and ended up in a room together all the same time. The room in the observatory would then be the portal into the parallel worlds, but I think I’d have to put some conditions on the point of entry. Like in order for each to move into the other world, they all have to switch together. That would really be confusing.

A better alternative would be that since they call entered the room in the observatory at the same time, they all have to travel to each world together but only one could switch. This scenario might even be more confusing.

I don’t know. I just like the thought of being able to write about what a life would have been like, based on the consequence of one very small decision.

I hate this. How did I end up in a job where I have to write and edit website copy for my program? This was never part of my job description, and I now I do it constantly. Whatever writing that needs to be done, they give it to me. "Give it to Brenda, she'll do it." We'll just redline her to death. Aaaarrggghh!

Strange coincidence today.

I called my dental insurance to check up on the claim for my dental surgery, and the phone rep guy told me I was third person to call who had the birthday of January 24. Then he laughed and said his birthday was on January 25. How weird is that? I never hardly meet anyone who has a birthday around the same time as mine, and the phone rep guy told me the same thing, which is why he noted how many January 24 women were calling him.

After work I went to CompUSA to buy my new Palm Tungsten E. I bought a cover, some paper and a keyboard. I'm looking through my receipt at home, when I notice that the cashier never charged me for the $70 wireless Palm keyboard. I got a free keyboard. This is so strange because the guard at the exit out of CompUSA checked my receipt and bag, and let me through. Like he didn't notice it either.

So either they're giving away free $70 wireless Palm keyboards at CompUSA, or I just got a fun free gift from the universe. What does it all mean? I never knew breaking up with a guy I'm very still much in love with could be so much fun! The universe is like giving me free stuff, like maybe I did the right thing or I'm on the right path. Or maybe I'm just really really danged lucky today.

I'm tripping, I'm just totally tripping. I'm telling you, this feeling good about the world stuff is better than any drug I've ever taken because of the sheer length of the high. I'm just wondering about the crash. After every good high comes a pretty gnarly nasty crash. You know the old saying ... the higher you go the lower you fall. So I'm like waiting for the boom to fall any minute now, and wondering how bad it's going to be.

Darn! I am in such a good mood. I really have to figure out how to bottle this stuff and sell it. It's like being high but without artificial stimulants. People would kill to feel as good as I'm feeling now, I think. I would kill to feel this good 24/7. Well maybe not 24/7, but at least whenever I wanted to feel good.

The feeling is like this ... you just want throw your head back and laugh and go "wwwhhheeeee" like you're a little kid, and you're rubbing your hands together. Ahhhh, the innocence of childhood. Or like you're on top of the world, but it's so disconcerting because you've done nothing new to warrant feeling this good.

Considering that I broke up with the person I thought was the love of my life on Friday, I'm in a rockin' good mood today. The "isn't life great, whhheeee feeling" is continuing this week.

I spent all Sunday writing "Dear Soul" letters, a technique I learned in a writing class I took a long time ago. You write your soul, or some other person you consider your most trusted source, letters about things, events you're going through. Then you write yourself back as "your soul" or whomever you picked. It's an interesting way to get answers to questions you somehow can't answer yourself. I write "dear editor" letters to myself when I'm stuck on some piece of writing as well.

Well, my soul had a ton to say about Mr. Red-headed guy, most of which had to do with the future. Of course, I kept writing back and saying "what future?" but "my soul" was determined to have its way. I still don't know what to think about what "my soul" wrote back to me. I even scanned previous letters, and 80% of the time it's been correct.

But "my soul" knows I'm skeptical so it keeps saying "don't do anything, watch it all unfold" and I'm like I am so not doing anything because I don’t like the future you’re telling me I’m going to have. Then I got into this writing piece about two of unfinished novels, because they have to do with the nature of free will and choice and prophecy and destiny and how much one influences the other. I believe in both novels my characters have free will and choice, but certain events in their life are planned. What free will does is lessen or add the severity of the event. Then I got into the question of whether free will can geometrically exacerbate a good or bad event, kind of like a snowball effect on life. I never could answer my own question, and I will have to finish the novels to find out if the snowball effect is true.

And then after spending all day writing, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was asking all the wrong questions about my life, and that's why I wasn't getting good answers about what next step to take. Then I did a Q&A with myself about what certain events had to with my life, and what I wrote was mind boggling. It's so true that if you ask the write questions, you'll get the right answers to why you're life isn't working of why you're doing the things you do.

But it takes courage to ask the right questions, and I couldn't have asked these questions of myself two months ago before I met red-headed guy. I wasn't ready for the answers, and somehow red-headed guy helped me get ready somehow. But even if I am now supposedly ready to read the answers about my life, it doesn't mean I like the answers I'm getting. And even though I'm very happy about the way my life is going right now, I'm not happy about the future that supposedly "my soul" said is coming my way.

I'm like there's got to be another way, there's got be another way to go, this can't be the only future available to me. And I'm like, maybe I need to write a novel about escaping your future, your destiny. Kind of life "The Butterfly Effect", but again dealing more with choice going forward in the present. If every choice, no matter how small or large, begets a different world, then can't a different choice deliberately taken steer a person clear away from a chosen path, as long as the choice is made over and over again? I think there was a series of movies dealing with this subject called "Final Destination".

So I kind of ended it with red-headed guy on Friday. I told him he needs to take care of some things in his life before we can be together. I didn't slam the door, I left it open, and the next move is his. So whether we continue forward or not is up to him. And I'm okay about it all.

I loved being in love with red-headed guy, and in fact I'm still into him. I couldn't have picked a more perfect guy to fall for. He was so cute, the right size, so perfect in so many ways, and I believe he sincerely loved me. But he's not really ready for a relationship, he wants to be, he's looking for a way, but he has a ton of work and growing up to do before we can be together.

Maybe the role I needed to play in his life was to move him onto his next step. And if that was all, then I'm happy because I helped him to grow. And he did help me to grow and realize many things about myself. Which is really what having a relationship is about isn't it? Helping you to move on to your next step in life, helping you to grow, and doing it with as much love as is humanly possible. And we both did that I think.

If red-headed guy comes back, then he really is my true love and true love is what I really want for my next relationship. And if he doesn't come back, then he was John the Baptist preparing the way for the true one who is to come. And I'm not going to settle for anything less than true love.

But life does go on for me, so I emailed some guy I had a dream about this morning about getting together. I'm hoping he emails me back. And then there's my weekend in LA in November, which I'm so looking forward to and hoping that red-headed guy doesn't come back before then so I can enjoy my weekend in LA.

It occurred to me this morning that I have been seriously neglecting all the things that I try to do improve my screenplay and novel writing.

I’ve been very good about keeping up with my reading although I can’t seem to read more than four books a month. Thank god I can read on my commutes to and from work. I also always carry a book with me now, so I can read whenever I’m on the train and not just on the way to work. I took one screenwriting seminar, and I’m in my Film History class this semester, so training wise for screenwriting I feel good that I’ve been keeping up. I’m also going to the screenwriting convention in LA in November, and I’m very much looking forward to that weekend.

But I’ve been bad about keeping up with my movie watching, reading books about writing, and taking novel writing classes.

I try to watch at least 100 movies a year, either at home or in the theatre, which means I have to watch two or more movies per week. I’ve been sadly neglecting my movie watching, and I can feel it. I did read three screenplays last months, but it’s not the same as watching a movie for what works and to study audience reaction. And there haven’t been any classes in writing that I’ve wanted to take or that I have time for right now. I need to go back to attending one-day seminars just to keep writing always at the forefront of my consciousness.

I’m starting to realize why there were people in my screenwriting classes who were amazed I could even finish a screenplay in six weeks. Writing is like having a job, and depending on how much work you want to put into it, it could be a full or part time job.

Not only is there writing to do every day, there’s books to read, movies to watch, and seminars to take. And the time involved all adds up. And then if you have a full time job, want to work out, want to go out, have friendships, and want to have a relationship, it’s all got to fit in somehow. And it’s hard and one area has to always suffer, and for me it’s always been my relationship life.

But my life has always been this crazy. When I was younger, I was married, working full time, and I was doing a public relations gig on the side. Things were crazy back then and the ex-hubby used to complain from time to time that I spent more time on my PR gig than on him. After I got divorced, I was still working full time, working on my part time PR gig and trying to run marathons. After my marathon phase, I decided I should try climbing the corporate ladder and worked 80 hours and week and lived at the gym the rest of the time. I dated now and then, but nothing seemed to last and I was too busy working and getting promoted every year to care.

Then I got into my growth and development phase, and was in seminars endlessly, and travelling around the country attending and/or working as a volunteer at the seminars, and still working a full time job and working out. After that phase petered out, the urge to be creative struck me and I tried my hand at acting and took acting classes and was in a couple of plays. And all during that time I was dating and still nothing really lasted because I was too busy either doing my growth and development work or acting to care.

After acting my writing phase started in 1999, and then came Steve who accused me of having too busy of a life to care about him. Then Charlie who said I was too self-absorbed to ever be in a relationship and then Chris, who said I put my screenwriting ahead of my personal life which was a bad thing. And then after awhile I didn’t care about dating because I got tired of men telling me I was too busy for them and I wanted to stop feeling guilty that maybe they were right about me. And in between life happened with five job changes, 9/11, friends and family dying, and everything else that happens in one’s life over the years.

But somehow writing did happen, and I started three novels, wrote one screenplay, a bunch of short stories, got something published in SFGATE.com about 9/11, and am writing a second screenplay. And I don’t know how things get done in my life, but they do get done.

I just wish I could solve my relationship issue once and for all. I know it will be hard work to have a full time relationship with the kind of life I’ve always lead, but I know in the long run that I’ll be much happier being in a couple. And it’s not like I’m all that lonely, but it would nice to have someone to share my life with sometimes.

I did not watch the presidential debate last night because of my film history class, but I watched some of the spinmeisters last night. I love the spin because it always makes me wonder if these people all watched the same thing.

I'm sure the debate will replay over the weekend, and I'll watch it then, but from what I've been able to gather Kerry did well but did not hit a homerun out of the ballpark. Over the weekend, the predictions were that Bush pretty much had the election locked up electorally. I don't think the debate will change the numbers on the electoral college picture at this point.

One of my favorite political commentators said on Saturday that Kerry was running the "lamest" campaign he'd ever seen. Another said that Kerry was gaining steam these last weeks, but it was a day late and dollar short.

The spinmeister that made me laugh out loud last night, Joe Trippi, when he said that this debate will change the course of the election. Wasn't this the guy who ran Howard Dean's campaign and said that would win the democratic nomination? Who is this guy and why does anyone care what he says because he's obviously not very smart about politics.

I was on the train this morning sitting and reading, when a guy got on and stood in front of me and almost shoved his book in my face. When I looked up, I saw a guy who could have been my red-headed boy’s younger cuter brother staring back at me and smiling. And l’m like "OH MY GOD!" I jokingly said to red-headed guy that if things don’t work out with us, I’d love to run into his twin. And like I so did this morning, and he was just as cute, if not cuter than red-headed guy. And I’m like so tripping right now, and I was like totally freaking out as I left the train. Red-headed guy’s twin didn’t get off at my stop, and I had to stop myself from asking for his phone number. I was freaking walking to work, telling myself I couldn’t believe it, and I still can’t get the freaky feeling out of my head.

Am I bad when I say I hope I run into red-headed guy’s twin again on the train?

So my good mood is still continuing, although it's kind of fading. I'm so neurotic that I'm waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, and wondering when it was going to get bad again. I just wish I knew why I was in such a good mood. I've been going to bed early from exhaustion, and I'm starting to wonder if the reason I'm feeling good is because I've actually been sleeping well these last two days.

But would sleep making me rub my hands together and say "wwwwweeeeee!" in a childlike squeaky voice?

So my good mood continued this morning, and it's driving me nuts on some level because I can't figure out why I'm so happy. I want to figure it out so I can reproduce the feeling again. It's like I'm a little kid and I clap my hands and say "whhheeeee!" like I'm having so much fun, and it's so darn disconcerting because I don't think I've changed anything in my life. My life is the same traumarama it was yesterday morning, except now I'm happy about it.

What the heck is going on? I want to bottle this stuff because it's an amazingly incredible feeling, like things are all going to work out and work out very well.

So I've been journaling all night long and just writing and writing about what's going on with my life, and all the things that are going on. I haven't done that in so long. And OH MY GOD, I'm like so happy again. It's wild, like so dang wild! I don't know. It feels like whatever thoughts were swirling and whirling around in my head are now out on paper, and my mind is free. And when my mind is free of chaotic thoughts, guess what? I feel happy!

I'm sitting here laughing and giggling and thinking wouldn't it be fun to wake up tomorrow and realize that every truth you ever thought about yourself was totally false, and what that would mean for your life. You could throw your whole life up in the air and see where it lands. I mean, how cool would that be, to create a totally different life from the one you already have.

I haven't done that in years. Take my life, and throw it up in the air and start over. It's a trip to start over, to start from scratch, start from zero, and recreate something way much better than what you already have. Sure it's scary as heck, but boy is it a ton of fun!

The urge to do this again is so strong. All it would take I think is to think a different way, make different choices, and once you do that, you instantly start leading a different life. I don't ever want this amazingly happy feeling to end.

It's so hard to describe. It feels like everything is going to work out. I mean, it always does for me, always, but I rarely do I ever feel this ecstatic about it. How do I make this feeling last? I want to feel like this for the rest of my life. That whatever is going to happen in my life is going to work out, and work out for the best, and that I'm being held so tightly in the palm of God's hand that I feel safe and loved and protected and happy. It's so cool!

It's really been years where I've felt like this. Where I'm just giggling for no reason, like I've won some lottery in life, when in reality nothing is my life has actually changed except maybe my attitude about it. And the only thing that I've done is write and write for hours on end, and live in the world of my own mind, my own head for a few hours.

What a great feeling, to live in your own thoughts for a few hours, and then to come out of it thinking, gosh I lead a great life. Maybe not the best life in anyone else's eyes but my own, but I wouldn't trade the happiness that I'm feeling now for anything in the world.

The whole experience is just tripping me out, and I know it's not going to last. I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow, feeling my usual sort of miserable self. But at least I'll have the memory of tonight to remember and savour and wonder about for years.

I talked for a long time to a friend of mine about my traumarama life, and she said that it's obvious I'm not ready for a serious relationship yet because if I was I wouldn't be having the problems I'm having with red-haired guy.

I think she might be right. With my job and my feeble attempts to write, I just don't have that much time and energy for a full-blown long term relationship. It wouldn't be fair to any guy, and it hasn't been in the past, to be in a relationship with me. Believe me, enough men have told me this for me to know it's the truth.

Steve said it, Charlie said, and Chris said it. So maybe it's true.

Maybe it's the full moon, but my life is one big traumarama.

Red-headed guy and I had huge fight at Gordon Biersch when he came to pick me up for lunch yesterday. What can I say about him? He's a bit of a slime, and it's a long stupid story that I'm not about to get into on this blog. He asked the waiter at Gordon Biersch for a knife to slit his wrist, and I told the waitress I lost my appetite. And I alternate between hating him and loving him, and thinking I really need to get myself back into therapy right now and break up with him.

So I pray, like I haven't been praying big time since we met, for JC to give me a sign of what to do. It's that catholic girl coming out in me; I need signs! So either the signs have been coming and I'm too blind to see them or they're not coming at all. Not quite sure which is happening. In my prayer and meditation, JC says "this is a holy relationship, a teaching relationship, and this is about surrendering to God's plan for my life." I don't know what the plan is, and from what I can tell it so doesn't make sense, and I all I can do is follow along. And JC reminds me constantly that "I've never been good ever at surrender and following his plans for my life". So maybe this is the only way he could get through to me ... I don't know.

All I know is my gut instinct tells me, screams at me, that this thing between us has to play out. Like Paul in the sci-fi series "Dune", my intuition keeps telling me "things must play out to their logical conclusion". To what conclusion I have no idea, but events have to unfold and I have to let them.

My brain however says a different thing, and my logical mind is fuming right now. My heart and body are way too involved, so they're no good.

But in the midst of the traumarama, I wrote six pages of my Texas novel last night. So maybe this has something to do with my writing, and if I can just focus on that everything else will work out.

Because my job is not the answer to making me happy; I've already been shown that. And I guess being in a relationship that heads towards marriage is not going to make me happy either, at least until I become serious about my writing.

Writing is the only thing that seems to make me happy these days, and it feels like the universe has backed me into a corner on this one. And I'm not happy about it. I'm sure JC is up there chuckling about it all, that he's got my number, that he's going to teach me a lesson in obedience, that he's the supreme ruler of my life, and that there's very little I can do about it, that he's had enough of my stubborn indepedent ways and my cunning ways of backing out of the plans he's had for me in the past.

Okay, so I'm putting an ultra spiritual spin on the messed up events of current life but there's nothing else that explains what the heck is happening right now. I get thrown for a humungous loop when events in my life unfold without making sense, and there isn't an instruction book out there for me to read from so I get it right. And I have to get it right, don't I?

So I'm back to typing up my notes for my Texas novel. I still can't get myself in the mood to write my screenplay, which is kind of annoying me. Oh well. I'm making myself work on it this week.

How sexy is this? The horse my male character is riding matches his hair colour. Oh my god, I just think that a guy riding a horse the same colour of his hair is just so darn hot! I don't know why I think it's hot, it just is. The image just seems to yummy looking! Talk about the perfect studmuffin image doubled!

Memo to guys: Take a play out of red-haired guy's play book and leave the following message on your girl's voicemail. It will melt her heart.

"You know how much I miss you? I miss you with all my heart."

Oh my god, it's soooo goofy and hokey, but so darn sweet! I just love this man!

I've in such a weird mood these last two days. Yesterday, I had low level anxiety all day. I was kind of freaked out abou the whole thing. It's like having the heebie jeebies all day, and not knowing why. I did wake up at 3 am yesterday morning, and maybe I missed my REM sleep. Who knows.

Then this morning I was a 3.5 hour conference call. That was way too long and by the end I was grinding my teeth and ready to jump out of my skin. That is just way too long to be on a conference call. And my heebie jeebies are still there. Damn!

Supposedly U2 is debuting their newest song the radio at 3 pm today, because some radio station in Croatio leaked the song internationally. The record company wanted to move the U2 play up because of the leak. Strange huh?

Just heard this in a song ...

"If Bill Gates got laid in highschool would he have started Microsoft?"

Hmmmmm .....

From LazyBoy, song title "Underwear goes on the outside of your Pants".

My LA Screenwriting Weekend Schedule:

Friday @ 1 pm
Passion into Product
Part#: EV1222
Following the model of his UCLA screenwriting seminars that have produced such writers as Pamela Gray, (A Walk On The Moon), Nicholas Griffin, (Matchstick Men) Sacha Gervasi (Terminal, starring Tom Hanks), Hal Ackerman, author of Write Screenplays That Sell...The Ackerman Way will talk about writing what you love and making it saleable.

HAL ACKERMAN has been on the UCLA Screenwriting faculty for 18 years. As a writer he has sold material to major studios, to Academy Award winning independent producers and to the major television networks. His fiction and non-fiction writing has appeared in numerous literary journals. An award-winning playwright, his work has been performed at the National Shakespeare Company. His one-man play, Blue Sundays: How Prostate Cancer Made a Man of Me, was recently introduced in Los Angeles.

Friday @ 3 pm
Character and the Nature of Conflict
Part#: EV1224
All drama is conflict. Without conflict you have no action. Without action you have no character. Without character you have no story. And without story, you have no screenplay. How can we integrate conflict into our character's lives to create maximum dramatic value? Using examples from The Pianist, Lord of the Rings, American Beauty, The Hours, and others, we'll explore various ways to integrate conflict into your characters throughline that will enhance your character's life within the parameters of your screenplay.

SYD FIELD has been acclaimed as "The guru of all screen writers" (CNN). He is regarded by many Hollywood professionals to be the leading authority in the art and craft of screenwriting in the world today. His internationally acclaimed best-selling books have established themselves as the "bibles" of the film industry, are used in more than 400 colleges and universities and have been translated into 20 languages. He is currently on faculty at the USC Master's of Professional Writing Program, and was the first inductee into the prestigious Screenwriting Hall of Fame in 2001.

Friday @ 5 pm
Evoking Emotion through Character: Crafting Complex Characters
Part#: EV1110
It isn't what happens to people on a page; it's what happens to a reader in his heart and mind. Expanding on the key element of all successful scripts, the reader's emotional experience, author Karl Iglesias will showcase techniques and tricks of the trade from highly successful screenwriters to instantly humanize a character, and achieve that elusive emotional connection. Topics will include character arcs and emotional courage, the emotional elements that create character, and the distinction between character emotion vs. reader emotion.

KARL IGLESIAS teaches at UCLA Extension Writers' Program, and is the best-selling author of The 101 Habits of Highly Successful Screenwriters. A graduate of Cornell University, he has worked as a script analyst and development executive for various production companies. As a script consultant passionate about great storytelling, he specializes in reader emotional response. He can be reached through his website at www.writinghabits.com. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Friday @ 7 pm
Welcome to the Dark Side
Part#: EV1288
There's an old adage that says you become what you fear. One of the great functions of story is to take us to places metaphorically where we're afraid to go in real life so that we can confront our deepest fears and expose them to the healing light of day. This course is designed to help writers gain greater insight into the symbolic value of the dark, Underworld side of nature in order to expose the life-affirming values of survival, liberation and redemption. We'll also look at the use of the dreaded duo in film: violence and sexuality. What value do they really hold, and why is our culture so afraid of them?

DARA MARKS has been consistently rated by Creative Screenwriting magazine as one of the best script consultants in the film industry. She has specialized in the analysis of the modern screenplay for the past two decades, and her clients range from top studio writers and executives to beginning screenwriters. Dara has worked for major Hollywood studios and is the author of a groundbreaking new book on her innovative, new approach to story structure and character development through a technique she calls The Inner Script. She was a STAR Speaker of the 2002 Screenwriting Expo.

Saturday @ 8 am
Stories that Touch Your Soul
Part#: EV1061
Why do some stories touch you and others don't? In this seminar, we will explore the spiritual, physiological, and psychological basis for good storytelling that transcends time, place, and cultures. And then, we will cover how you can apply these rules to make your stories resonate deeply with all audiences.

RICHARD KREVOLIN has taught at UCLA and USC Film Schools and is the author of the books, Screenwriting From The Soul, Pilot Your Life, and How To Adapt Anything Into A Screenplay. Richard has several screenplays under option and in development. He was a finalist for the $500,000 Kingman Screenwriting Award, the Chesterfield Screenwriting Contest, the Klasky-Csupo Screenwriting Contest, and the Nicholl Fellowship Screenwriting Award. In addition, he has consulted and conducts writers' workshops and seminars throughout the world. His website is www.profK.com and he can be reached at rich@profK.com. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Saturday @ 10 am
Robert McKee Lecture
Part#: EV1271
Robert McKee will be presenting a new and original lecture at Screenwriting Expo 3. Details are available at www.mckeestory.com.

Saturday @ 1 pm
Writing the Dramatic Truth
Part#: EV1004
Characters come alive in stories because they seek to resolve and fulfill issues of human need as simple as good versus evil to gaining understanding and acceptance. Understanding a character's dramatic truth and creating situations that compel characters to resolve their truths offers a key to creating dynamic, passionate characters. Populating a story with characters who embody opposing dramatic truths is a natural way to create compelling conflict. This workshop is designed to help writers see into the hearts of their major characters.

BILL JOHNSON is author of A Story is a Promise, a workbook that explores how to create dramatic, engaging stories. He's web master of Essays on the Craft of Dramatic Writing (www.storyispromise.com). Bill leads workshops on writing around the United States. He is a produced playwright, optioned screenwriter, and has provided coverage for manuscript submissions for literary agents. He's the author of a science fiction novel, The Combat Poets of Maya. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Saturday @ 3 pm
Claiming Your Creative Life
Part#: EV1098
All the seminars, books, and techniques in the world are of no use unless you can connect to your own creative energy. This seminar will help you awaken and develop that connection.

ALLEN D. KOEHN is a Jungian analyst with over 30 years experience working with successful writers, actors, directors, and others who seek to fulfill their creative potential. He leads several popular creative workshop/support groups. He is also available for individual creative coaching sessions.

Saturday @ 5 pm
Under the Covers and Up on the Screen: How to Write Intimate Scenes for the Movies
Part#: EV1071
Romance novels account for over 54% of paperback fiction. So how come so few of them get adapted to film? Maybe because no one knows how to craft intimacy and write credible screenplay sex. Less is more" is the focus of this workshop on bringing sizzle and sensuality to the cinema.

CHRISTINA HAMLETT is a former actress/director. She's an award-winning author and script coverage consultant whose credits include 17 books, 110 plays/musicals, 3 optioned films, multiple shorts, and columns that appear throughout the world. Her second screenwriting book, Could It Be a Movie, will be released in winter 2004 by Michael Wiese Productions.

Saturday @ 7 pm
Psychology of Subtext: How Characters Say What They Don't Mean
Part#: EV1118
My dialogue is flat. Every character sounds the same. The tone should change, but I don't know why. There's no conflict in the conversation. The exposition is obvious. The actors will take care of it, right?-These statements reveal that subtext and hidden needs might be lacking in your script, your characters' dialogue and action. Learn to write what isn't written-subtext, inner monologue, psychological action and response-from an actor and screenwriter, and how to make your characters' words and actions come to life and jump off the page.

SPENCER BEGLARIAN is a graduate of USC and Yale Drama School, and an award-winning screenwriter, actor, and educator who has been profiled in The New Yorker's "The Talk of the Town," Backstage West, and the LA Times. He recently wrote, produced, and directed a series of short comedic films for cable distribution, is in pre-production with one of his feature scripts, and is completing his documentary feature debut.

Sunday @ 10 am
Secrets of Hollywood Genres
Part#: EV1033
The first rule of the entertainment business is this: it buys and sells genres. Today's most popular movies are always at least one story form, and usually a combination of two or three. Problem: almost no one is an expert at the intricate array of beats, tricks and techniques required by the eleven most popular movie genres. Hollywood's top genre expert, John Truby, will show you some of the secrets of the most popular story forms in the entertainment business.

JOHN TRUBY is a screenwriter and author of the story software, Truby's Blockbuster. He has taught his story structure and genre courses, worldwide and online at www.truby.com, to over 20,000 students, including the writers of Shrek, The Mask Of Zorro, Sleepless In Seattle, Outbreak, Beetlejuice, and Nightmare On Elm Street. He was a STAR Speaker of Screenwriting Expo 2.

Sunday @ 1 pm
Top Ten Reasons to Write With a Partner (and Finding the Right One)
Part#: EV1059
(Qty: 1 x $4.00)
Write with a partner and double your chance for success. How? Claudia Johnson and Matt Stevens, authors of Script Partners, explore the compelling advantages of co-writing scripts. Yes, you must find the right writing partner, so Johnson and Stevens will show you how. For solo writers considering collaboration-or the merely co-curious.

It's taken me a week, but I think I finally have my schedule of classes for the Screenwriting Expo 3 in LA the weekend of November 5-7. I'm such a sucker for famous people that I've signed up for classes with all the screenwriting big honchos like Syd Field, John Truby, and of course Robert McKee. After watching McKee portrayed in "Adaptation", I just have to find out if he's as intense as the movie portrayed him. If I like McKee well enough, I'm even thinking of heading out to Vegas in December to take a three day class from him.

Some of the classes I really wanted to take are advertised as "Professional Level Seminars: appropropriate for writers who hav eat least optioned one script". And I'm like darn, I guess that's not me. Those "Pro" classes are the most intersting ones though. When I looked at my final class schedule, all of my classes are in the "Advanced Level Seminar" category, appropriate for writers who have finished at least one script.

Besides famous people, most of my classes are being taught by either people who teach screenwriting courses at UCLA or have written screenwriting books that I've heard about.

The one fun thing that I'll probably be attending instead of a class is watching Jerry Lewis receive a lifetime achievement award. I'll probably do the same thing as my roommate for the weekend, sign up for a class and then blow it off to check out Jerry Lewis. Gotta see the guy before he keels over, and besides I've always loved his movies.

My roommate warned me not to sign up for any 8 am classes, because she said last year she was up partying all night. There are some really good seminars at 8 am however, and I might just sign up for them just to see if I can make get to them. I'm sure if I don't make it, I won't be the only person missing classes that weekend.

I'm excited because it's so fun to take classes, learn new things and meet other writers who are working on their craft. I'm hoping the experience will give me perspective that the writing life isn't so lonely after all, if there's all these other people spending their nights staring at their computer screens hoping, praying, desperately pleading that the writing muse will visit them tonight.

I think I read somewhere that the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gang is going to start a new show called “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl”, and I can’t wait. I want Carson to just go off on women who wear those ped socks with shoes for the sockless look, which has reached pandemic levels in San Francisco.

Okay the thing about those ped socks, is I don’t think the rest of the world is supposed to see them. They’re supposed to be hidden, out of sight, otherwise you don’t quite achieve the “sockless, I don’t wear socks look”. But not in San Francisco. Like oh my god, those ped socks are visible on every woman wearing them. And you know what, they look pretty dang awful. Not only do they so not look like you’re not wearing socks, it looks you’re trying too hard to not look like you’re wearing socks and badly, badly, seriously failing.

And women in San Francisco wear that I’m failing to achieve the sockless look proudly. Like they think it’s so darn stylish to appear as a one huge fashion disaster.

I must admit I myself bought some of those ped socks, and tried it with my shoes. After two hours, I decided I had wasted my money because there was no way I was every going to look I was going sockless with the current shoes I owned. So my peds sit in my sock drawer until I can buy shoes that will achieve the perfect sockless look. And the manufacturers have the worst colors too. It's either black, white or some odd shade of tan than I've never seen on any living human being.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not into walking around looking like I’m failing at wanting to look like I don’t wear socks with my shoes.

I am in love, and it’s so unbelievably glorious. I never thought I could ever fall in love like this, where it’s exactly like what has been described in verse, song and books since time immemorial. But it’s more than that, it’s just fun, fun stuff. And this is only the beginning too. I’m like what if this continues and keeps getting stronger as the months go by. I’m so in love I’m starting to think that not having prenup might be okay, only because I know the red-haired guy isn’t going to ream me over money. But I’ll make that decision when the time comes, if we ever end up going down that road.

Yes, red-haired guy and I are still together. We had a bad moment where I saw his worst side and he saw mine, and then we both apologized and then we made up and it’s all better now, much better. Poor guy. His brother had some major, major unexpected surgery, so he was totally freaking out and not calling me. And then I got so freaked out because I hadn’t heard from him in awhile, and I jumped to the conclusion that he was trying to ditch me but couldn’t bring himself to do it and had decided to just stop calling.

But then he called and said he was a “bad, bad, bad boy”, and I said to him “I was a bad girl too” because I did feel guilty for throwing a major insecurity fit on him. Then when he told me his family trauma story, I felt so guilty. Then we saw each other the next day and we had a fantastically fun make up date, and I’m back in love and very, very happy. And now he’s planning all these romantic mushy dates, because he’s the romantic one in the relationship and I’m like so grateful because I’m not romantic at all. And of course like any silly girl, I'm thinking I think I really want to marry my red-haired boy some day and we're going to be together till we're old and gray. And red-haired guy keeps telling me we're going to be together till we're 80 years old. And life is good for now.

Saturday I went to a mall in the East Bay specifically to compare the Dell laptop I wanted, and then go next door to the new Apple store to compare it to the Apple ibook G4. Of course, the best laid plans never pan out.

The Dell people didn't have the laptop I wanted because as the salesperson said, it's not a popular model and Dell doesn't know how the sales are doing. She said they might be getting it in a few months. She told me I could just order it online, and then if I didn't like it I could get a full refund in 30 days. Whatever!

Then I went to the Apple store where there was a line because the store was just opening that morning. I got a free t-shirt, and checked out the iBook G4 again.

I hate when I can't do comparison shopping. I want to be able to pick up the Dell laptop, and feel it in my hands and think about whether it's something I wouldn't mind carrying around in my bag every day. I pick up the ibook G4 and it's bulletproof casing built to take abuse by students, and I see myself carrying it around. I'm not in love with the touchpad, never did like those things but I suppose I would get used to it.

So still no laptop. I read reviews of both on C/net and the Dell laptop kind of got a bad review for it's bad battery, easy to dirty screen and its three-prong cord. The Apple iBook didn't fare that well either.

I hate when I can't buy something that I want. There's something seriously wrong with that. I have this vision of a laptop I think I need, the world is getting in my way.

These Springstein songs remind me of my college boyfriend Drew from Bergen County, New Jersey. I have memories of us in Paramus Park Mall on Christmas eve shopping for presents of each other, and then how it was snowing when we left and how we were sliding backwards down this hill. Then driving across Jersey to visit some friend of his who lived next to a Hershey chocolate factory I think, and having to throw coins into all those darn toll booths. And hanging with him and his friends on some corner of some North Jersey town, me wearing his leather jacket and me thinking I was reliving part of some Bruce Springstein song. And that weird friend of his that I only met once and who we ran into at some classic american diner. As soon as we entered the diner, the guy comes up to us and says to me “I never forget a pretty face”. Like whatever.

Drew was going to school in South Jersey, and I stayed at his house at spring break. We tripped on shrooms and drove into Atlantic City at midnight with some friends of his, and wondered around the casinos. We watched some mafia types, all in dark suits and looking pretty dangerous playing Baccarat. Then I freaked out about the crippled woman manically playing on some giant slot machine in the front of one of the casinos.

Then we went to get something to eat, and everyone got carded except for me and Drew. The doorman took one look at us and waved us through. Drew and his friends spent an hour speculating why we didn’t get carded when everyone else did. They came to the conclusion that there must be unspoken rule in Atlantic City than when a guy is out with a jailbait looking girl, no one asks any questions. Drew’s friends thought I looked like I was in junior high.

What a fun night. That was the first time I had french fries with melted cheese on top. Then we went walking along the jersey shore and on the boardwalk, and then to a donut shop to eat donuts because we were all still starving.

I'm listening to the Bruce Springstein cd "Born to Run", and it makes me feel like I'm a college kid because that's when I think started listening to his music. My first roommate in college had picture of "The Boss" all over our dorm room. Paula was such a Chi-town North Shore girl, wishing she was a leather clad chain-smoking jersey girl. I only started liking Springstein because I was forced to listened to him for two semesters. I was a mod/goth girl wearing fishnets, clunky 60's shoes, hats with veils, and listening to The Cure, The Clash, Pere Ubu and Joy Division.

I've never understood the appeal of listening to only music from your past. It's kind of fun once in a while to listen to the music of my youth, but then I get depressed. I feel like another Springstein song "looking back on my glory days". And I'm like my "glory days" keep on happening, so what is there to look back at. And my best "glory days" are yet to come, and will keep on happening until that day I drop dead.

Whatever.

My all time favourite Bruce Springstein song "Meeting Across the River" is on this cd. I love this song. It still chokes me up whenever I hear it; the desperation in this song is so palpable. I think we've all been in this guy's position at some point in our lives, maybe more time than we would ever care to admit.