I miss him. When our eyes met at the Conscious Life Expo in LA over two years ago, I knew I knew him. And when I decided to explore our connection, it was like opening a can of spiritual worms. Our lives were so intertwined you and I. When I had a reading done to look at our akashic records, I saw that our records were intertwined like vines that went for billions of years. Was I never to be my own person? Was my life always to be connected to him? And yet, I did escape from you, lived out separate lives, even loved many others besides you, many of whom I have already met in this life.

I did not want to tread down a well-worn path, but I was drawn to him and I was able to get to know him just a little. He even jokingly once said to our friends that I had loved him forever. I laughed and did not even know if he knew what I knew or if he was just joking.

But now he is with another which hurt like hell at first, but I have gotten used to it now. I even had a dream that he was married to someone else, and I woke up not feeling sad but a little amazed that I felt no pain, no jealousy and I was happy that in the dream that he had found someone who could truly love him.

Because even if we have been together for billions of years, I don't know if I love him. I have seen all the lives where he has hurt me, experienced all the memories of the atrocities he as committed not only against me, but also against our children, and some lives whole communities. I sometimes wish I didn't know what our past lives were about, that I was still ignorant and that I was meeting him for the first time in this life time. But that is not the case, I cannot go back to ignorance having seen the cold light of truth.

The ability to hold light is not dependent upon a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle, but more about how much you are aligned with source and how much karma you can release from this life and from all of your other previous incarnations.

People get this so wrong. They focus on the details like eating, instead of focusing on the really big stuff like clearing karma, being totally obedient to source, and embracing your your positive and negative parts and choosing at every moment to be in and for light.

My favorite memory, or at the least the one that keeping coming up, is when we were standing on Venus on a top of a mountain of red soil. We were standing facing each other and holding hands, and he was telling me without words that he loved me and that everything would be alright when we went to earth.

That he would never leave me, that we would lose each other, that he would love me forever as he always did and that nothing would ever separate us. We were twins, one created from the other, we would always be linked.

And I looked at him and loved him for all he said, but even then doubt had somehow krept into my mind. I was afraid, so afraid he would leave me. He was the stronger one. He was the one that was instrumental in our survival through the countless lives that we had lived.

He would not go to earth if I chose not to go, so I could say no. But I could never deny him anything, even though every atom in my being was screaming to say NO.

HE is blinded by ego and power. HE always did like being worshipped as a god, loved being looked up to by lesser creatures. I always saw it as a burden. Perhaps that was my guilt as I had failed as mother to the four sets of twins we bore when we were Crystal people living in Sirius.

I do not know even know if I have a memory of him that was not marred by sadness. HE says we were happy in Atlantis. I do not remember much of that life, other than the fact that HE was a great ruler there. I do not know if I was his wife, his concubine or his slave girl servant that he used whenever he needed to have his needs met. All I know is that we were together.

To stay away from him these many months has been difficult, not because I love him, but because I know HE misses me and since we are one in the same, I always feel his pain.

Somehow he always know what I am doing, and he says that I have judged him harshly. He says that reads my blog posts and it hurts him that all I remember of him and all of our lives together are all the times he has hurt me. Even now he cannot admit the truth. HE not only hurt me emotionally, but HE literally murdered me not once but twice. HE may have even murdered me many more times, but I have no memories of those times.

How can I miss someone who has murdered me and hurt for billions of years?

The first memories that came of HIM was from our life on Venus. Not the Venus you see now, but millions of years ago when it was inhabitable. We had a house there, in fact, in some other dimension planet Venus that we lived on still exists because I still see our house.

We were happy there, peaceful until the call came for volunteers to go to a new planet called "Earth". Teachers were needed to guide this young planet, but you had to reincarnate and be born there. Someone from the Federation came to personally talk to us about going to earth. We had helped to guide so many planets and cultures, and our expertise was valued by all.

I did not want to go. The Federation Agent warned us that the creatures that inhabited earth were wild and savage. HE saw it as a challenge, another feather to hang in our cap. I was afraid, not of going for I was used to that, but of losing him. The Federation agent said that "love" had not yet been born on Earth, the "love" that we knew as a couple. He said it would be hard, that we could lose each other. But HE did not listen. He told me we would never lose each other, that no matter how blinded by maya and ignorance that we would always love each other. HE was wrong.

I was going to write about this story in my journal, but somehow I wanted this story to be out for the internet world to read. I believe we are all connected, that what I know you know on some level, so there are no secrets out there. And journaling a story is keeping it secret, and I don't want any more secrets in a sense. In a sense because after all, this is an anonymous blog.

So where to begin. I could begin at the beginning but that would take too long and stories in real life don't always come out that way. My memories are like movies that move back and forth thru time, so the beginning will come out in bits of pieces, triggered by present day experiences.

The only way I can begin this story, is that I MISS HIM. I don't want to miss him, but I can't help but miss him because we have been together for millions of years. And through past life memories, I believe we began together much like Adam and Eve.

Only we weren't created by a god, but by a computer that is light years in advancement of the ones we have today. This computer-god is a sentient being, created by the ancient ones whom we only know as the Turquoise people. They are an ancient race, and we do not know much about them other than the fact that they created worlds and computer-sentient beings who in turn created more worlds.

And this computer-god sentient being, whose path in life is to become a being full of love and become totally obedient to Source, created a woman first not a man. He created ME so he could be worshiped and loved, and for awhile that was enough. But then he wanted to experience love so he created a man from a piece of my heart, and that man is HIM. So the creator could enter the MAN and experience LOVE for a time, but could not fully become the man. For in universal laws, the creator cannot become the creation absolutely.

And so our love was complicated from the beginning and we have lived out this complication through billions of years, in so many lives, and in so many dimensions.

And for years of this incarnation I did not know that HE existed until our eyes met across a room one day in 2008, right before Valentine's Day. And even then I denied the feeling, although just by looking at him I saw our past lives flashing before our eyes. The most prominent one being the one where I lay dying in your arms, and you kept telling me over and over again you would find me. And then you nodded at me in our present reality like your acknowledging physically that you had kept your promise.

But I fought it, ignored as much as I could for two months, telling no one, not because some would not believe me, but because I did not want it to be true.

But it was true, and then the memories came, as well all the hurt and pain we caused each other thru our countless incarnations. Patrick Swayze had it wrong. If the hurt was unforgivable, you do remember and when you remember you relive the pain again until you can forgive.

And I have forgiven HIM in this incarnation and forgiveness means I can move on, although not really move on because we will always be connected because he was created from a piece of my heart, although with the help of the Turquoise people that connection has become the slenderest of psychic threads which I myself cannot see but can only sense.

But I still miss him every now and then, and it hurts on every level of my being.

"The turning of the second millenium has come and cosmic stargates are opening. New children are coming into the world who have been sent to try to restore order to the planet. The frequences are shifting and shift daily, and as my father had seen in the visions and which my uncle would later prophesize, at the end of the third month in the sixth year after the turn of the second millenium, the frequencies will open and the veils between the worlds will thin. Those that have chosen to follow the One will be spared, and those that have aligned themselves with the darkness of their forefathers, the ancestors of Enlil and Enki and their Pleiadian and Andromedan dark lords and the triumverate of evil which is again trying to reassert its presence of the planet will be doomed.

My uncle always said that one must always choose between the light and darkness. There is no middle ground. The darkness will always choose to extinguish the light, and the light will always try to light the darkness. So one must choose and choose wisely at every moment." From the Elf Chronicles

New laptop coming tomorrow. Perhaps I will start blogging again. I can't believe my blog is still around. Sometimes I think it is a figment of my imagination, something from another life I once lived.

As an experiment, I decided to not watch tv last night and just listen to cds of seminars that I had attended. After 3 hours, I was feeling so anxious and I'm like WOW, I think I may be addicted to watching television. I had no idea watching tv could be addictive. Yes, I know people have said tv can be addiction but I didn't believe them until now.

But I've had my addiction experiences before and I know that if tv is an addiction it is a mental addiction and not a physical addiction like drugs or alcohol. So I was like okay, I've gotten over what I thought was an addiction to alcohol. The anxiety I experienced by not drinking was far worse than the anxiety I was feeling now about tv watching. I know that after three nights I was able to get over the anxiety that came with alcohol, it was three very painful nights, but I got through it. So I think I can get over a mental addiction to tv.

Well, that was last night. Now it's Sunday and it's football season and I couldn't help it; I turned the tv on. I've been cleaning house all day so it's not like I'm watching it, but it is on in the background.

Tomorrow is Monday night football, so I will have it on but I'm not really into any tv shows this season. V was so just boring and I'm over it with Fringe. So my plan is to have the tv off from Tuesday thru Friday and see how it goes.

I have so many great cds to listen to of seminars I've attended. Listening to them again brings back memories of what I was doing and who I was talking to during the seminar. And I feel like I'm getting my money's worth by listening to the seminar again because I'm getting different insights every time.

I'm not sure if I will give tv up forever but I don't want to feel like I am addicted to it either. The only show I regularly watched was American Idol and I have mixed feelings about watching it in January because Paula Abdul is gone, and I honestly don't I can watch Ellen Degeneres. The woman makes my skin crawl; she is just so annoying and not funny. I know people like her, but I so don't. I don't like Sarah Jessica Parker either and couldn't get into Sex and the City because of her. She is just way to skinny and icky and so not attractive.

Okay, Bob Costas is starting to annoy me. Did he just all of a sudden age? I don't remember him looking so old. Do I really care about the Baltimore Ravens versus the Pittsburgh Steelers game? NO. Thinking about this one; the tv may be turned off yet.

Okay, with all the ET/alien shows on TV and all this talk of Disclosure, I have been experimenting with doing a type of meditation to see if I could contact any ET life forms. Well, maybe not exactly contact but travel to where they live using my hand dandy vesica pisces.

I used to actually make a vesica pisces out of string and sit in the middle of it, but now I've gotten lazier and just imagine making a vesica pisces with light so I can be sitting in my bed and not having to sit in my living room. It's much more comfortable this way.

The theory behind a vesica pisces is that it becomes a portal, basically a do-it-yourself wormhole for a person to travel astrally or in light body form to where ever actually. I think one could use it travel backwards in time or forward or off planet. Somehow, travelling to the future is not interesting. Honestly, do I really want to be bummed about how something will have turned out? I don't think so.

So last night on a whim and because I'm a little depressed right now, I decided to try and contact the Confederation of Planets in Service to the Infinite Creator. They are mentioned in the RA books. Okay, so this is like my wild and crazy imagination speaking here, but I went into a meditation and sent out a message that I wanted to contact these peeople, and I received a message back to go to Alpha Centauri. And Im like, I don't even know where this place is and then as if they heard me, I received a message back saying I did know where this place is, that I had been to the great hall where the council meets and that even I just used my vesica pisces wormhole thingy, it would take me there.

And so I'm like okay. I made my vesica pisces out of light and I think about the message that was given to me that I knew where it was and I knew where this great hall was and I went into a deep meditation.

And sure enough, I feel the wormhome activating and I feel myself moving and I'm like there and it was like I was on a set of Star Wars or something where the galactic council was meeting, only I'm there in light body form and the beings that I'm seeing aren't in solid form either but are light bodies like mine. Then they told me that I could activate the jewels in my hand that I received on my trip to Sirius (another recent adventure) to be heard and understood by everyone on the High Council.

The jewels that I received on my recent trip to Sirius, which is a strange place and physically hard to travel to even in lightbody form because everyone there is a crystal being and so much higher in frequency that we are. were given to me by the Sirius people so I could accelerate my own frequency so I could see them Sirius people and talk to them.

If you think of the Buddha statues with jewels embedded in the palm of each hand, then you have the right picture of where they put the jewels. I have to press the jewels to activate them, and once I do that my frequency speeds up enough for me to have a conversation with someone from the Sirius planet.

So I wormholed myself to the great hall on some planet in Alpha Centauri, and when I press the jewels, it's like I can see what people really look like and I can hear their thoughts and they can hear my thoughts. They even gave me permission to use sound langauge because they knew taht it was hard for me to have a conversations jusst with my thoughts. I need to verbalize, it's call be all mental for me, doesn't work.

So I'm there being presented to the confederation of the planets, and it's much easier for me to speak than to have them just listeining to my thoughts.

Anyway, it was trippy because it was hard to keep awake. I kept fading in and out because I wasn't used to their energy and it was so strange.

Next up, the planet Regulus. I just wannt to see what's up there.

Happy news this week. My co-worker who was on a more than a one-year leave of absence due to an illness is coming back.

She is still undergoing chemotherapy for her cancer, but she will be coming back to work. YAY! I really missed her.

This event made me feel like maybe things are getting better for me, after what has seemed like a hard two years.

I found out today that we are having our usual department Christmas party. I wasn't sure if they were going to cut it because of the economy, but I got the invite today.

There is so much I want to write about, but some things that are happening to me right now are so strange and have been strange since my trip to LA in February. One of these I will write about it, just not now. I need some perspective first to know where the events will fit into the general pattern of my life.

I hate being so reticent. I love being expressive about my life because it helps me to write about it all, but for now silence is the best thing because I feel such a need for privacy about my life. I have been trying to be open and I'm not sure I like the consequences of being that open. When I let myself be known, what can I say "shit happens". I just need to figure out how much is too much and how little is too little. There has to some happy medium. and hopefully one day I will find it.

I'm in a melancholy mood today. On the verge of tears and I don't know why.

I feel drained by the peopel in my life, well, maybe just one person in particular. I don't know if I have come across another sad sack person, and the rescuer in me is doing its usual rescuing without getting anything in return.

I feel like my compassionate self is being used against me again. I cannot walk away when someone needs my help, especially if I feel there is some kind of karmic connection. But when I don't receive appreciation ro gratitude, I get a little upset.

Giving unconditional love only takes you so far in this life before you start to realize, unconditional love is fine as long as you are appreciated and acknowledged. Not very enlightened I know, but this is the way I am feeling right now.

It is a new moon today, so maybe it's a moon thing. I'm not very good with new moons.

I was walking down Mission street last week and thinking about my blog and how much I used to post. My posting production has been so very lax these three years or so, maybe even longer.

On Thursday I was talking to a friend of mine of all the things that have happened to me since 2007. Here's the highlights of the last 3 years.

1. August 2007 - moved floor and departments. Moving is so stressful. I hated the department I was in, and I guess everyone who worked there did too because since 2005 they've had about a 80% turnover rate. That department was disbanded this year and merged into other groups. Ironically most everyone that was left in my old department moved to my new department. Life is funny like that sometimes.

2. Broke off a friendship with a friend who was going energy vampire on me. Breaking off a friendship is so difficult. It's been done to me, but I've never told anyone I can't be your friend anymore. Kind of strange because I still talk to people who still talk to this person, so I'm sure we know what is going on in each other's lives. The whole energy vampire thing is weird. My brother sent me a book on it after I mentioned it to him. But WOW, this event turned out to be such a great thing for me. If someone is consciously or in the case of my friend, subconsciously, sucking off all your energy, you have no idea unti it's over how much you've been held back in your life. What an eye-opening experience! I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. Talk about messing with your head.

3. September 2007 - my company went thru major renovations and I moved floors again. I ended up sitting right outside my boss' office. YIKES. A good experience but not the most comfortable. Thankfully, we changed locations a year later and I'm a row away and much happier.

4. November 2007 - I had a reconnection down with someone who studied with Dr. Eric Pearl. In a reconnection, you are reconnected to the earth's ley lines. A great experience, and something I'm still processing two years later. My life did a 360 after this.

5. December 2007 - I booked my trip to Peru and Easter Island with my good friend Sean D-M. My boss said I was crazy to pass it up, and he agreed that I could take 15-days of vacation. I experienced so many fears about this trip, I even went to a chanelling to ask the "spirits" about this trip. The spirit "Sophia" said I was in my ascension process and should not have any fears. and if there was a fear it was because I was afraid of karmic memories. Sophia's words were very prophetic.

6. January-Feberuary 2008 - I caught the flu 3-times in this period. I haven't been this sick in years. Frightening as heck because you so feel the fragility of your own body.

7. February - March 2008 - Peru/Easter Island Trip. Amazing, amazing, but so very karmic. Some members of the tour group took part in a shamanic vision ritual. It was quite cool to drink icky liquid out of a 100-year olf ritual cup. Talk about weird experiences on the day of a full moon eclipse in aquarius. It wasn't that bad until we left the mountain shrine. I broke into tears in public. I can count on hand when this has happened in my entire life. Sean had to heal me because he said there were holes in my aura and it all pixilated. This experience was a catalyst to so many other experiences in the next two years.

8. March 2008 - Somehow in the middle of all this, I signed up with a personal growth coach. Not the best move on my part. I made some progress but not as much as expected. Big lesson for me in discernment. My coach did not believe in God, and I do big time. There was so much I was not willing to discuss with him. Then I got a message from JC after months of prayer that JC is my best life coach.

9. May 2008 - moved apartments because my landlord had sold the buidling. Traumatic but moveout money from the new owner paid for most of the move. My place is much smaller but so much quieter and in a way better neighbourhood. I never see bums in my hood or on the bus anymore.

10. July 2008-October 2008 - started some intenstive healing treatments and spent way too much money for treatments I'm not sure really worked. Messed my knee up from the move. Another lesson in discernment for me. When people pressure me to do something, I need to sleep on any decision. It's too easy for me to say yes, but if I just say let me think about it then I come to a better decision for myself.

11. August 2008 - kept getting intution to get out of the stock market. Sold all my mutual funds and got out of the market at 10,800. This move turned out be a good one.

12. September 2008 - My co-worker is diagnosed with cancer and goes on a leave of absence. Wow, talk about stressful. She is still away and I am sort of doing two jobs. I miss her and the extra work has been tough.

13. October 2008 - stock market takes a huge drop. I felt good about my decision to sell in August.

14. November 2008 - went to see Bashar at the Angel Valley retreat center in Sedona. Almost a year later, 3 people died there at a sweat lodge session. The people who own the place are very nice, and I feel bad for them because of all negative press.

15. February 2009 - flew to LA for the Conscious Life expo. I reconnected with friends from Peru trip. I see a guy who looks so familiar; I know I've never met him but it is a very intense psychic connection.

16. March 2009 - huge drop in the stock market. Everyone is affected including my company, and money saving policies are implemented. What a huge stressor everyone. Explored the psychic connection with the guy from LA and it is very intense. My first experience with channeling, which is very cool.

17. April 2009 - more karmic work comes up for me which rocks my perception of the world. Another intense channeling for me and I get a headache for a week.

18. May 2009 - Trip to NYC to a seminar about 2012 and what that date might mean. I hadn't been to NYC since 1991. The real City has so changed and was basically unrecognizable to me. Visited Ground Zero and felt sad and cried a bit. I felt like I closed a chapter on my life during this trip.

19. June 2009 - Went to a Bashar session and was picked to asked a question. What an intense experience and so, so cool. Trip to Sedona Arizona as well and closed a couple more chapters in my life.

Okay, that's it so far. I'm still processing events since July 2009 so more on my life later.

I think when your life is too intense, you stop wanting to write about it because you're so in the middle of it that it's hard to step back and get some perspective.

Wow, talk about time speeding up and going into overdrive. Talk about burning off hundreds of years of karma.

I was on the bus the other day thinking how fun it would be to write a handbook of lessons from a temple in Egypt. All fictional of course, because I don't any such book exists. I had a psychic tell me that I was a high priestess in the Temple of Sekhmet. She is a lot like the hindu goddess Kali, except much more primal and more more deadly. She is depicted as having the head of a lion, and was the most feared of all egyptian gods and goddesses because she was only called on to bring destruction and thus transformation.

I wrote the following on the bus this week.

Lecture notes for Level 4 Initiates from the temple of Sekhmet. These teachings are taught to all Level 4 initiates in all the temples, but it is a specialty of the Temple of Sekhmet.

How to read a person's past lives.

When a baby is first conceived, there is no soul yet present in the baby's body. The soul can enter at any time from conception to three months. The entry point of the soul is the chakra point in the back of the skull. (this is like in the movie the matrix when you get plugged into the matrix). This chakra point is also the exit point of the soul. The chakra point becomes a depository for all past life memories of the soul because the soul has to bring in the past life memories into the new body to fulfill obligations of karm.

Most people do not know abou this entry point. Once a soul enters the body the chakra point is sealed, but after years of soul neglect the the seal will erode letting past life memories leak out.

The reading of a person's past life is a simply a matter of being able to go that chakra point and read the memories that are leaking out.

A skilled reader of past lives does so without the person being aware of it, and once mastered a person can walk into a crowded street and sift through the memories of everyone there when on is specifically looking for information. Of course, reading a person's past life as entertainment borders on evil and is punishable perhahps not by death but something clsoe to it. The gods themselves strictly prohibit the reading of past lives for entertainment purposes only. One only is allowed to read past lives when one is the process of healing someone or specifically researching information on past worlds.

One must remember that human history is made up of the collective memories of the community and that reading one past life does not give the full hsitory of the civilization at that time. You only see the history of the time from that person's point of view. For thorough research, one needs to sift through the collective memories of as many people as possible.

The lessons for reading a person's past life shall comprise of the following:
1) become psychically aware of a person's chakra point
2) how to sift through the images that are coming from the chakra point to come up with a comprehensive history
3) how to recognized when past life memories are blending into each other
4) tips for getting the essence of any one life
5) how to read a person's past life memories without the person being aware of it
6) how to sift through the memories in a room full of people to gather what you need for your research project

Okay, I am so over Season 8 of American Idol. First of all, the Danny Gokey haters just completely turned me off. Personally, I think people hated him because he was a church music director. People need to get over their childish hatred of religion, and forgive their parents for shoving religion down their throats with a shovel.

Then there was the "Adam Lambert" is a rock god. OMG! If he was such a rock god, why hasn't he been discovered yet? Don't you think there are scouts out there getting paid bucko bucks looking for great talent? I mean, Adam is a professional singer. HELLO. He did musical theater was in a couple of LA-based broadway musicals. If his dang voice was so great, why hasn't he been discovered? I will tell you why. Because his voice is not that great and it's not that commerical. He's a screamer, and if you're just listening to his songs on your ipod or music machine of your choice, that screaming ain't all that great to listen to when you are bopping thru life.

And I'm sorry, but I thought American Idol was supposed to be for amateurs. Alot of singer's dreams is to sing in a broadway musical, and Adam is already living that dream. Adam is just like David Archuleta who had won some star search contest. I hate that the AI producers put someone with that much stage experience next to the "real" amateurs. Is it any wonder Adam showed everyone up when he had the most stage experience.

Danny was my sentimental favorite. He was one of the few singers who sang with any heart, and when he sang I could feel the emotions in his voice. That is some powerful stuff. I didn't get that from any of the other singers, and never ever from Adam who sings great and is flashy but I never really felt his emotions in his voice.

Danny's problem was he wasn't that creative with the songs. Compared to Adam and Kris, the man looked positively lazy and was often inconsistent in his singing and song choice.

Kris on the other hand, always pushed the envelope. He played it smart, and reminded me so much of a quieter, not so scruffy, not so edgy David Cook. David Cook won last year because he tooks risks with songs, and kept getting better every time. Kris is in the final because he kept getting better and ended up being more consistent than Danny.

Kris was smart though, keeping quiet, keeping to himself and never letting himself get caught up in all the hype. Danny, I fear, got caught up in all the hype and I think felt the pressure of being a presumed finalist. No one on AI, as past seasons have shown, can be a presumed finalist.

This season reminds me so much of last season, when the judges were practically pushing for David Archuleta to win. I was so glad when David Cook won, as it was such a vindication after Chris Daughtry was voted off the season previously.

But it will all be over in a week, and only time will tell where the AI winner will be a few years. Jennifer Hudson didn't make it very far in AI, and I think she seems to be most the successful AI person with her oscar and her new album and all that exposure. Carrie Underwood, musically, is probably the most successful AI person in the country music world, with Chris Daughtry and Kelly Clarkson a close neck and neck second in the pop music world. I never did get into Clay Aiken or Ruben Stoddard but own singles from Jordin Sparks and Katherine McPhee.

I guess I am truly an american after all, because I am rooting for the underdog Kris Allen only because I absolutely hate that people have said AI is a lock for Adam Lambert. This is an amateur singing contest and I want the amateur rather than the seasoned professional to win. I want that damned american dream fantasy that is American Idol, that a person can come out of nowhere and become a star. I don't like the bankster is already rich and needs a bailout vibe of Adam Lambert. The american dream seems to fading economically for many in our country, but why does it have it fade on the unreality of American Idol.

Don't bail out the banksters with more money on American Idol by letting Adam win. He's already living a singer's fantasy by singing in musicals, he doesn't need a handout/bailout on American Idol. Let the guy who came out of nowhere, and whose only singing experience for heaven's sake, is singing in a church. Bail out the real American working man, vote for Kris Allen.

My friend S and I did a 2.5 hour channeling on Wednesday. Channelings are very interesting, in case you haven't been involved in a session. All kinds of strange and fantastic information comes through. I told her we needed to tape it because it would be so hard to remember all of it.

One of interesting things we saw was images of Egypt, ancient Egypt. At one point, S said a being was showing her the sun, and rays emanating from the sun with a man underneath. It took us awhile to figure out this was the mythical RA being, who has been written about and channeled by other people.

So here's what came out in the channeling. RA was married to this woman under Eygyptian law and they had children, but he seemed to have also fathered other children with other women as well. He was trying to create a super race of beings, all with his DNA, which meant the children would have great powers, great psychic ability, etc.

RA wanted to bring monotheism to Egypt, but we saw that Egypt and the human race was not ready to monotheism. RA's heart was in the right place, and we got that RA's heart is always in the right place, but it was too much too soon. RA wanted his psychic children to serve in his temple, and bring all the different gods and goddesses of ancient Egypt under him. RA thought that by having one god, all the fighting between the various people who served in the different temples of gods and goddesses would stop. I mean, it was a noble idea.

But RA's wife, whoever she was, stopped him. RA's wife, companion, whoever that woman was, knew that the world wasn't ready for monotheism. Some of his children were not suited to serve in the RA temple, and were more interested in serving in the temple of Anubis for example. She knew that if she allowed RA's plan to go through that some of the children, and they weren't all hers, would be so unhappy in the RA temple and would probably kill themselves or rebel and overthrow RA just to get out of the temple.

And this she couldn't allow. She loved RA, despite all the other women, despite the fact that she was expected to mother all of his children, even in they weren't her own, she loved him. We weren't sure if she loved in the sense that "love" is used now in the modern sense, but "loved" in a more ancient sense meaning she wanted to obey because 1) he was her husband, companion, mate; 2) he was head of the temple, king, dynasty; and 3) he understood her, he got her and despite his other behaviour valued her above all women.

So she forbade RA to keep all the children at his temple, and when the children were five years old, she "sorted" them and distributed them around to the various temple where they would go to mystery school and become priests and priestesses in the various temples.

So my friend S, who was doing the reading with me, was a daughter of RA who wanted to serve in the temple of Anubis. And RA cursed her because she was the most gifted of all his children, and he wanted her to be the head of the temple after his death. But S refused and rebelled, and we saw that head of the temple of RA had always been male and never female.

We kept trying to find out why RA would allow his wife/companion to stop him, and the only answer we could come up with was because his wife/companion was as powerful as he was, and he knew that she protected him and he needed her protection.

We saw that if RA had gotten his wish for monotheism, that the Egyptian culture would not have lasted as long as it did and would not be influential as it is now centuries later. By keeping polytheism in place, RA's wife/companion preserved the Eygptian culture for generations to come and ensured that the fascination for all thing ancient to do with ancient Egypt would continue to fascinate people through the end of time.

Interesting, huh? You never know if what you see or hear in these sessions is true or not. We saw how emotional RA was and how he kind of still was mad at his wife/companion because she never supported him. My friend S said that RA kept his wife/companion busy at the temple so she had to sneak out to see them. S thinks that RA deliberately prevented his wife/companion from seeing the children as his way of getting revenge on her.

But even if RA's wife/companion couldn't see the children in person, they were all psychically linked and she had taught them to contact her mentally which all the children did. So RA's wife/companion knew what was going on with her children at all times, and the children showed her mentally what they were learning so she learned everything they learned. And RA's wife/companion knew how to call the spirits, something which RA couldn't do.

We saw the timeline of RA's temple from beginning to end and that to be head of the temple you had to be a direct descendent of RA and carry his DNA. We also saw a staff that the head of the temple had to possess. The highpoint of the RA timeline was in the middle, but by the end of the temple days, head priests didn't necessarily have to have RA's DNA to be the head of the temple. Getting to be head of the temple was very competitive. Everything about RA's temple seemed to be very competitive since they had not yet learned to serve the light or source and there was alot of human ego involved.

I need to research all this stuff to see what other channelers have said and if there are any parallels in egyptian history.

I'm starting up writing again. But it's just so depressing. I feel like I am climbing up this huge, huge mountain and I have no idea how am I going to get up to the summit. But there's this something inside of me that says I need to keep slogging away and that it doesn't matter whether I am successful or not; the point is to keep trying.

THIS IS HUGE FOR ME! I like being successful. I have been very successful in my own way at so many things. I hate this. It's like the first time I got a C in college. Talk about shocking. I mean I got a C in art class, but that was because I couldn't draw. Getting that grade was a huge wake up call, and I never got a C again ever. I hate failure! It sucks!

Writing is such a huge process. The writing of anything is such a process. I just submitted three writing pieces for the self-published book that my writing group in Carmel wants to put out, and they were so hard to write. I felt like I was leaving pieces of my soul on the page. When I read each piece out loud to edit, I thought I was going to cry. I could hear the pain in my words, the sadness. I was reliving my own memories by reading my own writing.

And I hate getting emotional. I'm an aquarian, and I have five planets in aquarius, which means I am air sign. NO EMOTION. Emotions are weird, they are what other people have, and there I was having them.

I feel like I am back in acting class when I wrote my monologue piece, Art is Scary. The exercise was to write what we felt about our art, and I wrote "art is scary because he makes me do things I don't want to do." I left acting because I couldn't lay my soul bare on stage without a lot of work, without completely letting go. And I could let go, and I did let go, but it was so tiring, and honestly, I didn't know if I could do it night after night on stage like how you are supposed to do in acting.

So I went to writing because my acting teacher told me I could let go easier on the page than I ever could on stage. But I don't know if he was right. It's hard to let to go, and writing is way worse than acting because if you write every day it means having to let go every day. And some days I'm just way too tired to let go. Letting go taxes not only my brain but makes me get emotional, and I'm not supposed to be an emotional person.

I just got something. Okay, I'm not a normally emotional person but I understand how and why people get emotional and I'm thinking I can use this understanding somehow and translate it into my writing. There is something here for me which I have to explore.

I am just rambling now and indulging in a little, okay maybe more than a little self pity. BOO HOO for me, poor struggling writer. Thank god I've got a semi-decent job so at least I don't have a lot of economic stress in my life. Or maybe I'm just a lazy git and I just so hate writing every day. It's like exercising every day. Sometimes I'm in the mood to do it every day and sometime I'm not. Writing is getting like exercise for me. Sometimes I'm in the mood and sometimes I'm not.

It was so shocking to read this afternoon that Natasha Richardson had passed on. She was so young, way to young to die. I had a skiing accident while taking my first ski lesson on the kiddie slopes and it messed up my knee so bad, that I haven't been able to really run because of the injury since that time. My left knee was pretty banged up to start from playing basketball in highschool, and then getting water in my knee from playing field hockey in college. But the ski injury was the worse.

My prayers go out to Natasha's friends and family, especially for her husband Liam Neeson and her two sons. It's so, so, very tragic.

I am really getting into American Idol this year. I was a little bit into it last year, and I sort of faded after the auditions. I love the nationwide auditions which can sometimes be the best shows of the season. However this year, there are so many cuties that I am going to watch. David Cook wasn't even good looking last year till he got a new hair cut.

Memo to American Idol guys: It's a sad truth but on a not so hot guy, a good hair cut can transform you into hottie status. David Cook is a prime example. I think I read somewhere that people thought David Cook was just an ordinary schlubby looking kind of chubby dude, then he got a great hair cut and the next think you know, he wins American Idol. Not that David Archuleta wasn't cute, but he was way too young to fantasize about for the not in your teens set.

Season 8 has three decent hotties with great hair:
Danny Gokey - midwestern, great hair, great voice, love the glasses, chubby cute nerdy types with talent and an in-your-face sweet personality is any girl's fantasy. Plus, poor dude has lost his wife so he totally brings out the sympathy vote. The guy is a church choir director, can it get any better? He is a keeper in every way.

Kris Allen - wow, he is a really cute, I'd be screaming too if I was in the theater, plus the man can definitely sing and comes across as so sincere, love the tousled just got of bed gelled hair, works for me.

Adam Lambert - best hair out of all the guys, he's a rocker dude but not so dirty and drugged out or liquored up, plus unbelievable heavy metal singing voice, have you seen his parents, not sure where he got his looks from but it definitely wasn't them or that dad of his just has so let himself go in his middle age.

I love Anoop Desai, the guy can sing and it's so fun that he' s hindu india because it's kind of their year with "Slumdog Millonaire" getting the Oscar and Bobby Jindal become one of the up and coming stars of the GOP. But I don't think Anoop is going to win because he just doesn't have the stage presence of Danny, Kris or Adam. Those guys know how to work a stage all the time, and with Anoop it's just hit or miss.

I'm thinking it's going be an all guy top 5 which is fine by me.

Speaking of the guys, when some of them stand next to Ryan Seacrest you get to see how short and skinny that man really is. OMG, Anoop and Adam totally tower over him and they look so much bigger next to him.

And Simon is adorable as ever. I think he wants to date Paula but that would be such an odd match because they are so different. Love the new judge although I think can be as cruel as Simon.

I loved that the guys sang Michael Jackson songs. It's so weird to hear Michael Jackson songs sung by guys with more masculine voices. The songs are so different and they have such a different vibe.

How much money do you think the American Idol producers and iTunes are getting for selling the songs and performances. I didn't get into buying the songs or videos last year, but I am lining their pockets this year. I wonder if the contestants are getting money for these songs and performances.

I was a huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fan in my younger days and thought I had read all of his works, but I don't remember his short story "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I might have to find this story at the library and read it. Short stories were F. Scott's best writing pieces. His last novel really turned off towards him. He was a brilliant writer but towards the end of his career he just became a little too self-indulgent for my taste.