I have always wanted a Tizio lamp. Here's what a few websites have to say about this lamp.

"Tizio desk / table lamp is perhaps the most recognizable lamp in the world."

"Tizio Lamp, Large Black, Richard Sapper, 1972
Probably one of the most famous modern lamps of the century, this lamp is notable for the absence of visible wiring, its counterweighted arms and adjustable head. It is constructed of aluminum and thermoplastic with a matte-black lacquer finish. Made by Artemide."

"The Tizio lamp (1972) has probably made an appearance on the desks of more architects and designers than any other object since the lead pencil. Richard Sapper, its designer, has provided a model for product design that combines the rational approach and technical sophistication of his German homeland with Italian flair and originality. After receiving an engineering degree from the University of Munich, Sapper began work for Mercedes Benz and then moved to Italy to work in the design studio of Alberto Roselli and Gio Ponti.

In 1959, he received a Compasso d’Oro for his Static table clock, subsequently collaborated with Marco Zanuso and finally, opened his own design office in Stuttgart in 1970. He continued, however, to team up with Zanuso and together they produced a number of notable products including a plastic child’s chair for Kartell which doubled as a construction toy. They also created the highly styled Doney television for Brionvega, a sewing machine for Necchi and the compact Grillo folding telephone. These products represented state of the art technology, elegantly housed and designed to convey function with a visual clarity that was eloquently modern.

The Tizio lamp was created for Artemide in 1972. Matte black and minimal in form, it had not only a new look but operated in a completely new way. It was equipped with an inner balancing mechanism that allowed users to alter its position by the lightest touch of the hand. It won the Compasso d’Oro in 1979. Since 1981, Sapper has been a design consultant for IBM, designing portable computers like the minimalist "leapfrog" computer. He has also given his high tech style post-modern inflections, creating successful designs for Alessi including the Caffettiere coffee maker and Bollitore kettle. Sapper is an impressively versatile designer who can create compelling visual images for sophisticated electronic technology, and still respond to the simpler challenge of making everyday objects like flatware or a child’s chair."

But having a famous lamp does not come cheap; it's a $300 something lamp. But maybe that's why God invented eBay. So I'm bidding on a Tizio lamp now. You gotta love eBay.

I think I had a visitation from an angel on St. Patricks Day a couple of weeks ago. I was on the train going to work, and I was reading a book on Remote Viewing (Mind to Mind by Rene Warcollier). I had closed my eyes to nap, and when I opened them this man sitting on the side of me asked me if I liked the book. We started conversing and he said something about synchronocities and then he got off at the next stop. When I meditated on the experience a few days later, I got the feeling that he was an angel reminding to pay attention to synchronicities.

The guy looked kind of strange as well. He kind of reminded me of this Amish guy I saw at Chicago Greyhound station. He had kind of odd haircut, like really old fashioned and cropped, and his features were ancient, like he could have a monk in the movie "The Name of the Rose". If you've ever sent that movie, you'll know what I'm talking about. Some of the guys they had in that movie looked they were from another century and it wasn't just their costumes, it was their facial features. You just don't see men with those kinds of features walking down the street of a modern city. I'm not quite sure how to explain it either, but again if you've seen the movie you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

If he was an angel, this was my second angel visitation. My first one was in 1990's sometime. I was walking home from church and it was raining and I had forgotten to bring my umbrella. I was really depressed that day too. I was dating someone at the time whom I really liked, but he was your classic "bad frat boy". I knew it was not a good relationship for me, but the guy was so much fun, really really smart, so charming and really, really cute. I spent all service telling JC I needed a sign that every was going to be okay.

A woman asked me if I wanted to share her umbrella with her as she was going in the same direction I was. I looked at her and was shocked because no one had ever asked me that before. She has a nice smile and friendly face and kind of reminded me of a nun, although she wasn't wearing a nun's outfit. So we walked up the hill to my apartment together, didn't actually chat at all, and then at top we said our goodbyes. I turned around a minute later to check her out again, but she was gone.

I don't know who that woman was, but her gesture of generosity really, really touched me deeply. I don't know. Maybe I looked so incredibly depressed and pitiable that when the woman saw me, she felt she had to do something. I don't know. In a big city like San Francisco, her gesture was just so unbelievable. This experience hasn't happened to any of my friends who've lived here all their lives. And I've yet to repeat the experience.

The woman had to be an angel. She looked so otherworldly too, like familiar and yet not familiar. Totally nunlike, but she definitely wasn't in the outfit.

So now I'm into angels and am attending an angel seminar this Sunday being given by Doreen Virtue, who's written all these books on angels. I found out about the seminar by accident, by sychronicity, and I'm going and I'm excited. Maybe my muni angel boy will be there, or others angel boys like him.

I moved my desk yesterday in my bedroom, in preparation for my lapptop. I'm moving my computer to where my work computer used to be and my laptop will be in my bedroom so I can still listen to internet radio in bed or other internet programs.

My desk is now facing west and when I'm typing at my computer I can look out the windows and watch birds fly across the sky or the clouds move or the stars twinkling in the night sky. I really, really like it. I wished I thought about moving my desk earlier. Speaking of birds, I always see two crows flying across my windows. Crows and raves are my animal spirit totems, and I love to see them.

How weird! I just realized I dreamt around March 7 that I had a desk facing a window in a two story house and I didn't know what it meant at the time, and now my desk is facing the window. I just came up with moving the desk on Friday, but perhaps my dream inspired me. In my dream I had a home office with a desk facing the window on the bottom floor of a two story house, and I was sharing the home office desk space with my husband and we were living out in the suburbs. Like what a nightmare! In the dream I was living in the house but I didn't feel very comfortable there and I wasn't sure why. The house was nice and big, with four bedrooms upstairs, but it didn't feel like my house. It was "his house" (meaning my husband's) and not mine, which I think means he was already living in it and then I moved in. It was such an odd dream.

I finally ordered and received my copy of "Harry Potter and The Order of Phoenix." I wanted to read it before the new book comes out. I only read the British version, and my copy from amazon.co.uk cost me $30. Gotta love that falling US dollar.

While driving around today I saw a gas station with gas at $2.57. I'm so glad I don't drive to work anymore. One journalist I read today said that they didn't know why people were moaning and groanig over the price of gas, when they willing to play the same amount of money for daily designer coffee.

Speaking of designer coffee, are times getting desperate for Starfbombs? They were giving away freebies the other day. They never do stuff like that. A favorite jewelry store closed their branch in Pacific Heights. I was surprised because the store was always so packed, but I guess there were not enough people buying.

We went out to brunch today in Pacific Heights and it wasn't even crowded. No place looked crowded actually which was shocking because usually Easter Sunday is a big brunch out day. Either people aren't eating out as much or they're eating at home.

My family always had a huge feast on Easter. We'd be doing the not eating meat thing every Friday, so on Easter Sunday we pigged out and ate tons of ham. Some childhood traditions never die. I still buy myself a new easter outfit to wear to church, the way my mother did in my childhood. But I had a filet mignon steak and swiss chard yesterday instead of ham for my pre-easter meal. But I did have an omelette with ham, goat cheese, bacon and avocado this morning. Goat cheese in a omelette is divine by the way!

I was talking to a friend of mine about Terri Schiavo today, and seh reminded me that Terri was a bulemic, which caused her present condition. All that barfing up of hydrochloric acid rotted away her stomach and other body parts. She was only 26 when her brain damage happened. How ironic for a bulemic to be forced to eat food ... talk about karma.

On my favourite radio station, Live 105, they're having a "What would Jesus play (WWJP) weekend". How funny! Would Jesus listen to alternative rock music for the Gen-Y generation? They play the music of the band in three, like the trinity, cute huh?

From the Live 105 website: "All this weekend we give up the wheels of steel to the one man who we're sure could do justice to our crack weekend team... The Man himself... JESUS H. CHRIST. And because of His Lord's fondness for the number 3, he'll be playing sets of 3 song from his favorite Alternative Artists... U2, Queens of the Stoneage, Green Day, and many more."

I went to two office supply stores to buy some office supplies, and they were both cloese for Easter. I didn't know stores closed for Easter anymore.

Church was crowded, but uplifting. The pastor preached from 2 Timothy on Christian values, but thankfully did not get maudlin about Terri Schiavo. I missed going to this church as I haven't gone in awhile.

So scary, I thought I saw my old ex-Steve as I was coming through the door. I'm like what the heck would he be doing there? He's a Peninsula boy. It must have been a Steve haunting or something. The Steve-lookalike was so cute too!

I went to Easter service with a friend of mine, and she told me that she had just auditioned for a play, got cast and was about to start rehearsal when the 25 year-old director was killed in a car accident in the East Bay last week. Shocking, huh? The guy was driving on a rainy day, got hit by another car and ran into a tree going 60 mph and was killed instantly. I'm like where were his airbags? My friend didn't know any more details other than the guy was killed. So sad and right before Easter too.

I hate Howard Dean, so I'm not at all amused to be receiving letters from him now that he is the head of the DNC. It will be a very long time, probably not until the next presidential election, that I'll be donating money to the DNC with Dean as the Chairman. And if Dean is the next demo presidential candidate, he's definitely not getting any money from me. And the next time I get another letter from Howard Dean, it is going straight to recycling.

I suppose I should comment on the Terri Schiavo case, although unless the rest of the nation I'm not that traumatized. I've been hearing about this case for about six weeks now, and I don't know, I'm not really moved. Callous isn't it?

It just makes me think that if you're that concerned about it, you should make sure that you have a written directive about what should happen in case you're in Terri's position. My brother knows that if I ever am brain dead, I would want him to pull my plug or let me starve to death. What is life without the mind anyway? I wouldn't want to be an emotional or financial burden to my family.

I feel bad for the Terri's husband and for Terri herself. Her husband had been trying to do this for 15 years and this the third time she's been starved to death. Why would her family want to subject her to 15 years of this is a mystery?

And you know, everyone assumes that Terri's parents treated her well while she was alive. What if that wasn't true? What if they were bad parents in her youth, and this is their guilt trip way of making it up to her? No one ever talks about that. It would be like that scene at the end of "Chinatown" where the Faye Dunaway's grand daughter goes off with the incestous grandfather. Or the people who insist that if a woman who gets pregnant from a rapist, that the woman should carry the baby to full term.

You know the only people who ever benefit from a national traumatic event like this are the laywers. They'll be making money from people wanting to put together living directives so they don't end up like Terri Schiavo. Lawyers always make money in times like these.

What's a girl to do on Saturday while cleaning up, but bid on expensive french shoes. Here's what New York Metro has to say about the Stephane Kelian shoes I just bid on and won for about $25:

Shoes, Women
The art crowd swears by these dowdy-chic, fuss-free shoes that are edgy enough to be seen on the gallery circuit and sensible enough to walk around in—like suede ankle boots ($555) and leather boots with an accented heel ($585).

Another web page I found has this to say about these shoes:

It's not easy to design shoes that keep Parisians looking casually chic and ahead of the next trend, but Stephane Kelian continues to do just that. The shoes balance a European minimalist, fashion-forward style with a comfort and practicality that keep Parisians walking all day long. Kelian shoes are sturdy, but beautiful--not for the princess who likes to totter around on spindly heels. Both the shoes and the store, located right off Rodeo Drive, reflect a clean and modern style. The helpful staff will assist you in narrowing down the search for a pair of shoes, usually gorgeous, buttery leather creations, that will have you placing your best foot forward.

I bought a pair of black loafers with a 2.25 inch heel, which normally retailed for about $400.

Red-headed boy was a shoe salesguy and he thought I was wearing a pair of these. I didn't even know what he was talking about till I googled the shoes and found out they were very expensive french shoes that you can only buy in shops in LA and NYC. I was wearing a pair of 3 year old black Dansko sandals by the way when he said this which cost me under $100 and are shoes Dansko doesn't even carry anymore.

Well, now I have a pair and I bought them on Ebay for $25. I'm bidding on another pair as well just for fun.

So I think the advice about not buying things during the beginning of a Mercury retrograde are true. The astrologers says don't buy things at the start of a Mercury retrograde because you'll have problems.

I bought some underwear at Victoria's Secret on Saturday, and already I found a hole in one of them and on the second one, the cute little decoration is coming out. What a jip! Now I have to decide do I go back to Victoria's Secret to replace the one I accidentally ripped and the one with decoration coming off. I could just sew the decoration back on, but what a pain! And I do need to replace the one with the tear because it's matches something else I bought there.

Decisions, decisions ... but if workmanship wasn't so shoddy or perhaps if I hadn't bought them on first day of the Mercury retrograde maybe I wouldn't have to make these decisions.

Somehow I got pulled in to work on a project with my company’s foundation. Now I’m being pulled into all these meetings and if this project is funded, it has the potential to generate a ton of publicity which will make it a highly visible company project. I hate projects that generate a ton of publicity. Your work gets scrutinized up and ying yang, and you end up going to a ton of meetings to brainstorm and plan a strategy. This project will involve not only my company board of directors but also the foundation’s board of directors. Talk about people breathing down your neck.

Okay it’s not like this is the first time my work has been presented to a company’s board of directors, but I just hate the pressure of it all. I’d rather just do my work and projects anonymously, and not draw a lot of attention to myself. I stopped speaking up in meetings, so I would get disinvited off the meeting lists. And it looked like my no meeting strategy was working until now. Meetings are such a waste of time. If you start volunteering your opinions in a meeting, you end up being sent to more meetings because “people value your opinions.” I know, I know, it’s a compliment to be thought of so highly that people keep requesting you to be part of their projects, but it’s also a complete waste of time. Plus you still have to do your regular job and now do much more extra work. Talk about recipe for spending a lot of nights in the office.

I don’t mind doing the background research, preparing the opinions and briefs for my boss so they sound intelligent and look like they know what they’re talking about when they go to their meetings, but that’s about all I want to do. I don’t want to go the meetings and get assigned to do more work along with my regular job.

I had the weirdest dream this morning. I was out body surfing which I haven’t done since high school, and I was far away from shore like maybe out a mile. There were these huge waves that were coming out towards me, but instead of coming from the ocean they were coming from the shore. It’s like the ocean was backwards or something in my dream. When I woke up the first think I remembered was that the waves were backwards.

Anyway, the waves were huge and usually if a big wave like maybe a 10-12 footer is coming towards you, you need to dive under the wave to not get caught up in it. Instead of diving, I just kicked my legs back and forth like a ballerina and rose up above the wave watching it crest beneath me. In the dream I did this a bunch of times. Very strange! There was some surfer guy there next to me on an orange board and he commented on how huge the waves were. He ended up diving under the wave like you’re supposed with his board, and I just kicked my legs and fluttered up above the wave.

The water was also green and not blue. Not sure what this means and I can’t remember what color ocean water is when it’s really warm. I think the water was warm because I was wearing a swimsuit. But why the waves were originating from the shore and not from the ocean is so puzzling to me.

I haven't been writing much lately. Last Tuesday I had a midterm for my greek drama class. I'm not sure how I did because it was all essay. I'll find out tomorrow.

It's allergy season and my allergies while not too bad, leave me exhausted at the end of the day. By 5 pm, I'm tired and I want to sleep. I've been meditating again, this time in a completely new and different way that I'm thoroughly enjoying so much I try to do it for an hour when I come home.

I meditate on JC. This is completely new for me and something I didn't think was possible but it's definitely working and so, so cool. I was thinking today that maybe if my I hadn't been so depressed these last four months I might never have discovered this new way of meditation. I hate that though, that my heart has to break into a million pieces before I learn to make any kind of progress in my spiritual life. I wish I didn't have to learn everything the hard way.

I generally go through life thinking I'm a little aware and evolved and a little better off than most people walking around on this planet, and then something like this happens where I get the giant, hurtful, painful cosmic slap upside the head to make progress on something that should have been a no-brainer. I cannot help but wonder if my life would have turned out better had I learned to meditate on JC sooner in my life, which bums me out because I hate having regrets.

Oh well. I guess I wasn't ready and didn't know that I was seeking was always available to me from my own past and childhood. Now that I could have surrendered at any other time than right now, because I am forever "a doubting Thomas". I think I must have matured enough to have enough faith to believe in what I cannot touch or see. That was always my favorite player from my catholic girls days, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed." I never felt worthy and I never felt I would ever have that kind of faith, and as a little girl I knew it and saying that prayer used to always make me cry. Still does actually, even now.

So another announcement regarding a highly visible exec leaving was in my company email this morning. This means my company has been chopping one exec/VP a month since December. This new exec reorged my division, and I have a feeling that my division is about to go through another major reorg come April.

I keep asking my boss what is going on and she doesn't know. I don't think anyone knows at this point, and we just all have to wait till we get to work in the morning and see what email brings. Interesting huh?

I saw "Constantine" on Friday and totally loved it. The movie critic for my local paper panned it, but I totally loved the movie. Okay, yes it had Keannu Reeves starring in it and the movie was great just because he was in it, but the special effects were spectacular as well. And at the end the people in the theatre clapped, so they must have liked the ending. All my psychic friends who see "things" said that the movie depicted what they see some of the time.

I used to wish I was clairvoyant and had visions, but after seeing this movie I’m glad I don’t have this gift. Some things in this world are just not worth seeing since they’d probably scare me to death. It’s bad enough that there are some people I just won’t talk to or interact with because their "vibes" freak me out. It would be much worse I think, if I could actually see what they’re really like and why their vibes freak me out.

I am a comfort shoe snob. I went to Union Square to check out Nordstrom and Macys to look for shoes, but only saw f-ugly shoes! They look like silly little torture chambers for unsuspecting women who want to walk with a sway in their hips.

Yes, they're pretty if you like trashy f-ugly shoes but they look so uncomfortable. I don't know. Maybe if I didn't have that stupid problem with my feet a few years ago, I wouldn't be so down on uncomfortble shoes but I did and once you start wearing comfortable shoes you can't go back to uncomfortable ones.

But I don't want just comfortable shoes, I want stylish comfortable shoes with more than a one-inch heel. I hate flat heeled shoes.

Most women who start wearing fashionable stylish shoes in their youth, start only wearing athletic shoes in their old age or ugly Birkenstocks or Dexters or other old lady type shoes. Talk about feeling like you are seriously over the hill and going down the drain in nanosecond whenever you look down at your shoes.

I think it's better to wear comfortable yet stylish shoes with 2 inch heels, so you at least look and feel young.

I should start a list of the things NOT to do to look old.

1) NO SHORT MANNISH HAIR - all women over a certain age have short hair, it's like a disease or epidemic or something. Okay, maybe Annette Benning can get away with it, but if you don't look like Annette Benning or a Hollywood movie star or a Hollywood movie star, forget it. Keep the hair shoulder length or longer. Besides, hello, it's not the 80's anymore and that Dorothy Hamill do went out a really, really long time ago.

2) NO OLD LADY SHOES - another dead give away about your true age, especially those Dexter shoes!

I'm sure there's more for this list, but these are my major pet peeves about women over a certain age. They look so, what is the word, Stepford wifeish, only worse. It's like after you what, turn 40 or old, you get this list on how you're supposed to look, and boy do most women follow it. It's like they cloned the middle aged woman look all over America. It's so frightening. Don't succumb! And if you're not over 40, don't start the look early!

Fight, fight the middle age woman cloning of America!

So I'm so upset. I bought a pair of $80 Born mary jane shoes back in 2003, and last night during greek drama class I noticed that the sole of my left shoe was split in half. I took the shoes to the shoe repair shop across the street from work, and the shoe shop repairman tells me that he can't fix it and it's a factory defect.

God, I hate that. I love these shoes. They are so comfortable and so cute, and now they're broken. What is up with that? I've never had a fairly new shoe split like that before.

So I don't know if I should go back to Nordstrom to see if they're still selling the shoe sand repurchase them, or just get another pair of shoes. And in the back of my mind of course I'm thinking, what if the damned shoes split in in half again a year and half later.

What is the point of paying $80 for good european shoes if they break?

I went to a seminar on Saturday in Moutain View at the East West Bookshop and had lunch with the couple sitting next to me. They were such an interesting couple. The man was a nuclear physicist in the Johnson Administration, who told me he quit along with a bunch of other scientists when Johnson wanted nuke North Vietnam. He left the government and went to work in the communications industry, and was one of the scientists responsible for coming up with the technology to put communication satellites up in space.

They were such nice people, and they even paid for my lunch as well. I often meet the most interesting people in Silicon Valley seminars.

So I'm thinking maybe I need an IPOD now as I filled my bag this morning with my Jimi Hendrix cd collection so I could listen to that song that it turns out wasn't even by Hendrix.

I'm listening "Electric Ladyland" and the song playing "Come On, Part 1" and I'm having flashbacks to stoner parties in high school and college. I haven't listened to Hendrix in a long, long time, and damn, the music is good, bitchin' really even it's just a tad too dated. But then a classic guitar riff never quite goes out of style does it? And I'd forgotten how good the bass lines are on his songs as well, pretty funky really considering it's classic hippie rock-n-roll.

I've been thinking of this song all morning that I heard awhile back on a TV show that I was watching. I thought it was a Jimi Hendrix song, but it wasn't. It's by a 60's group I've never even heard of called The Chambers Brothers, and the song is "Time has come today".

Here are the lyrics.

Time Has Come Today
performed by The Chambers Brothers

Time has come today
Young hearts can go their way
Can't put it off another day
And I don't care what the others say
'Cause they say we don't listen anyway
Time has come today, Hey!

The rules have changed today, Hey!
I have no place to stay, Hey!
And I'm thinkin' about the subway, Hey!
Love has gone away, Hey!
And tears have come and gone, Hey!
Oh my God, I have to run, Hey!
I have no home, Hey!
I have no home, Hey!

Now the time has come, Time!
There's no place to run, Time!
Might get burned up by the sun, Time!
Well, I've had my fun, Time!
Well, I've been loved and put aside, Time!
And I've been crushed by tumblin' tide, Time!
And my soul's be psychedelicized, Time!

Now the time has come, Time!
There are things to realize, Time!
Time has come today, Time!
Time has come today, Time!

Time!

Now the time has come, Time!
There are things to realize, Time!
Time has come today, Time!
Time has come today, Time!

Time!

I was in a good mood this morning, can you tell? I even danced around at 7:30 am to my favourite 60's I want to fall in love song "Get Together" by The Youngbloods. Haven't done that since the late 90's. I think I'm ready to fall in love again.

More disturbing information from this national health care report.

Between 850,000 and 950,000 individuals are infected with HIV in the U.S, an estimated quarter of who are unaware that they are infected. Each year, about 40,000 people acquire HIV infection. Since the use of the drug therapy to treat HIV infection became widespread in 1996, new AIDS cases declined among the mid-1990’s to 2001, but then leveled off in 2002. Since its emergence 500,000 Americans have died from AIDS, including over 16,000 in 2002.

AIDS incidences and death rates vary by race and ethnicity. Blacks make up 12% of the population in the U.S., but they accounted for 50% of the new AIDS cases reported in the U.S. in 2002. Hispanics also have higher AIDS incidence compared with whites. AIDS is the leading cause of death among black women 25 to 34 and black men 35 to 44.

I'm summarizing a report on National Health Care at work, when I ran across the following paragraph: Are you just a statistic in government health report?

Over 40 million people aged 18 to 64 had a mental disorder in the past year, and about 20 million had a serious mental disorder that substantially limited activities. In 2003, about 16 million Americans age 12 and over were heavy alcohol drinkers and about 54 million had a recent binge drinking episode. About 20 million people aged 12 and older were illicit drug users and about 71 million people reported the use of a tobacco product. The direct costs of mental disorders and substance abuse amounted to $99 billion in 1996; lost productivity and premature death accounted for an additional $75 billion.

I just found out some disturbing news about my former meditation teacher. Talk about my world being rocked. He was someone I respected and trusted for his knowledge and wisdom and his spirituality. What was even more disturbing is one of the people involved was someone I knew and that without knowing it, I was part of the drama. Not that I knew what was going on, but I was there during the events she described in her allegations. I was there, I knew the names of the people involved, and yet I was ignorant to what was really going on.

Other people I know have corroborated the allegations, people I also trust. Talk about freaky! This all happened almost 15 years ago, and I'm only finding out about it now because I just happen to google my former teacher to find out if the group had a website.

In the shower this morning, I felt such a loss of identity that for a few seconds I didn't know who I was anymore. That group and my teacher had been such a part of who I was, who I became, and who I am to a large extent today.

The only good part of the whole incident, if there is a good part, is her allegations gave me insight into incidents that I had observed and that had happened to me 15 years earlier that at the time I didn't know how to comprehend or even process. Incidents that were so baffling to me that I never told anyone about them, not even my best friends. The only people who knew about the incidents I saw that particular year were in Bali on vacation during Gulf War 1.

Talk about a part of your self dying like a snake shedding another layer of skin. And why now? Why did it have to come out now? It's not like I was looking for it, it wasn't like I thought my life was damaged greatly by what happened.

A friend said I must have been traumatized by it because I've kept it secret for 15 years. Was I? I don't know. In my mind, I don't think anyone who wasn't there in Bali, who wasn' t part of the group, who didn't understand the group dynamics I was a part of would have understood it. I barely understood it myself. I lived through it yes, but some incidents in life I think are never meant to be understood, may be are never meant to be processed. Until last night, until today.

It feels like a veil was lifted, and that maybe I'm old enough and mature enough to deal with mentally what happened. I don't know. I keep going back to something I've always thought was nice but have never ever experienced for very long; ignorance is pure bliss.