God, I miss Brian. I know I'm not supposed to but I miss him. He was such a good friend. I could always rely on him to tell me the truth and he was so smart about so many things. He is one of the few men I really respect as a person. But you know, he just couldn't handle just being friends with me and when he told me, it all got so awkward between us that I think, out of self-preservation on his part and on mine, we parted. But shit, it's like losing your best friend because he's physically attracted to you, how messed up is that?

I think I really hurt him too when I said that I could never contemplate getitng into a relationship with him. As much as I so adore him, he would have been a hard person for me to live with. He's not the most easy going of people and I need that. I need to be with a male partner who's steady and stable and most of all easy to live with and very easy going. When I'm not with this kind of guy, it's been hell and I'm not willing to go through hell one more time. Brian is steady and stable as the rock of gibraltar, but he's not laid back and easy going. He's such a neurotic virgo! As much as I think we could have made a go at being together forever, I think part of me would have come to hate how high maintenance he is. Not to mention that he has a really bad temper and when he gets upset, it's pretty nasty. We were just friends and I got a couple of tongue whippings/lashings from him which left me breathless in their severity and anger.

I wonder what he's doing now. If were still talking, we could have celebrated three years of friendship a few weeks ago. It's all such a sad, sad waste. I'm glad he told me he wanted more than friendship from me. I value his honesty and his comfort level that he obviously had with me to be so honest, but damn! All that physical lust on his part just got in the way.

I did contemplate having sex with him once just to satisfy him, but Amy my friend who died, said that sex would hurt him even more. I could have sex with him for one night and walk away, but not Brian. Brian is too much of a romantic. One night would have led to more nights and then, since he's conservative kind of guy, marriage. And a marriage to Brian would have been way to challenging for my taste.

I miss him though and I think I always will. He's not the guy who got away, that honor goes to Steve. No, Brian is in his own category but I don't think there's a category for Friend You Totally Love but Can Never Marry.