Screenplay freakitis is gone now, thank god. Julie, my screenwriting teacher didn't call me till Thursday so I was left to stew in my own juices. I think what was really bugging me was the beginning and ending of my screenplay. Julie said to start later in my original story and leave all the baseball stuff out. But DAMN, I was so attached to all the baseball stuff, I mean after all, it's the story of a baseball player, right? By Wednesday afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore and I took all the baseball scenes out and started the story in the locker room after game 2 of a three game series at Pac Bell Park. Once I did that, the screenplay freakitis went away and I was able to write 10 pages of the screenplay that night.

When Julie finally called me on Thursday, she suggested exactly what I had already done. I guess I just beat her to the criticism.

Screenplay writing is such a trip. First of all, it has to be in this special format and you have to use a courier 12 font, which when printed kind of looks like you typed it yourself on a typewriter instead of a computer. The film industry is very particular about the format, so there's even software programs which you can buy that puts the screenplay into the required format.

I would buy the screenplay software if I thought I would be writing screenplays for the rest of my life, but I don't know that yet. So I cheated and found a free template on the Net. The template has all the macros built in which do all the formatting stuff for you. I downloaded a demo version of the most popular screenwriting software, Final Draft, at work but I think I like the template I have on my pc at home much better. Besides the template was free and you just can't beat free. I think I'm going to check out the full version of the screenwriting software out on Monday at the Academy of Art college, where I take my screenwriting seminar, just to see what the full version is really like. Julie says they have a pc lab there with the software on it.

God, what else? Damned allergies are in full swing right now, which makes me totally miserable. I went to see my kineseologist/homeopathic doctor today and he said he was going to try to up my immune system more so my histamine reaction wouldn't be so bad. I don't think it's working, but all the other stuff he's treated me for has been great.

God, I hate my allergies. I think I'm going back to taking the powder form of aloe vera, which is totally expensive, but so worth it because when I was taking it, my allergic reactions were very minor even in pollen season. I keep wondering when the company that makes the powder form of the aloe vera is going lose their exclusive patent on this product, so I can buy it generically from someone else. I haven't seen it on the Net or in any of the health food stores, so I guess they still own the patent. The stuff is so expensive, but I'm thinking it would so worth it right now if I didn't have to go around with my nose stuffed and snot dripping down my upper lip.

I went to Casual Fridays at the SF Ballet last night and saw program 5. The featured drink was a naked cosmopolitan, which was vodka and white cranberry juice with a lime twist. My friend and I drank three of these and didn't even get a buzz. I guess they forgot to put the vodka in. Next time, I'll get wine. Should have known to get wine, since all the staff was drinking it,

We chatted in line with Evelyn Cisneros, who used to be the premier ballerina with the SF Ballet, before she retired. I loved her in Swan Lake, which I saw a few years ago. She's very pretty and very, very thin. She was so friendly and nice and she chatted to us happily about her 18 month old son. My friend said "ballet tickets $46, chatting with Evelyn Cisneros PRICELSS". Gotta love that mastercard ad!

Went through a thing about my mother on Friday. Just when you think you're over your parents, they come back to haunt you in the most unexpected ways. I was remembering the way my mother was when I was about 5 years old. She was this always on the go passionate woman, totally dedicated to her job and workaholic, perfectionist freak in heels and makeup and hairsprayed hair, who wore her emotions on her sleeve and was totally quick tempered with a sharp tongue that could slice you to ribbons in a minute flat. And me? I was her totally hyperactive child, who was always falling down, getting into scrapes and who was constantly getting into her way and making her late for work. My poor mother though. I think if they had Ridalin in those days and I was on it, my early childhood would have been alot happier, but the term "hyperactive child" didn't even exist yet.

I used to be so afraid of my mom. Being around her was like a stepping into a mine field. I never knew what action of mine would piss her off and it seemed like back then, everything I did made her really angry. I learned to be very careful of what I did and what I said to her, just to have her not yell at me. It's an odd way to live, but as a child I think you easily adapt to all kinds of weird situations and they become normal after awhile.

The thing about my mom came up because I now have three friends in my life who subconsciously reminded me of my early childhood experiences with my mom. All three of them are like her in their own way. I seem to make make them mad by the majority of things I do and say. What's so interetesting though is I don't want what it is I do to piss them off. It's just like it was when I was a child and I couldn't figure my mother's reasons back then either. They're my friends and I love them so dearly, but my relationships with them are sort of strained right now, because I was very resentful of them being agree with me all the time, for seemingly silly things.

But yesterday, I figured out that they were all reminding me of my mother and once I figured that out, the resentments inside me all went away. I think I was subconsciously thinking of my friends as my mom. Strange huh? I was surprised because they're nothing like my mom, but it's the minefield effect that was confusing me. But what' s so cool is that now the strain of the relationship, at least for one of my friends, is gone. At the ballet last night, we had the best time. It was like in the old days, when my friend and I used to do everything together and we just loved being in each other's company. All the strain is gone. I hope with my other two friends, I get the same results.

The things with your parents is funny. When you grow up, you either start to emulate them or if you had teenage rebellion like me, you do everything in opposite to them. Like take my mother for example. She's this passionate, wears her heart on her sleeve, girly type woman who dresses to the nines in ruffles and lace. I'm this buttoned up, closed down, stiff upper lip with a glacier reserve type who wishes she could wear shorts and tshirts for the rest of her life. But then what's totally trippy is that even though I've tried to do everything to rebel against my mom's teachings, at work, not in this job, but in other jobs, I was this on the go, well-dressed, always in heels, makeup and perfume and suits with pearls, workaholic bitch. I became my mother at work! So scary!!!

But when I got this insight yesterday about my mom and me, I realized that I didn't have to rebel against her anymore or freak out because I became her at work. I could pick and choose the best of my mother's traits and get rid of all the crap that I didn't want. When I first realized this however, I freaked out.

Part of my identity was so wrapped around being rebellion against my mom and her teachings and praying to god and every other diety I could think of, that I wouldn't become like her. Losing this mom part of my identity made me feel like I didn't know who I was anymore, and that's not a great feeling to have.

I had similar feelings when I let go pf my resentment about my dad and my relationship with him and his untimely death. I felt the "I don't know who the hell I am feeling" back then too. And it was even scarier the first time, because I distinctly remember feeling like I was in a foreign world for a couple of minutes and the sidewalk was going to open up and swallow me. Losing a big part of your identity is not a pleasant feeling. I had so identified myself as someone who hated her dad, that letting go of the hatred and resentment was like losing this enormous part of myself. I lost my m.o., I guess you could say.

But you know what, that "I don't know the hell I am feeling" passed and was replaced by the joy of realizing I could reinvent myself over again. A brighter, better, happier Brenda!!! What a concept!!!

So, I'm in reinvention mode right now. I want to take the best of what my mother taught me, throw the crap out that I hated and reinvent yet another "brighter, better, happier Brenda". God, my mom was amazing. Everybody loved her, well, everybody loved or totally hated her. There was no inbetween reaction from anybody including the family. My mother was so smart, so determined and such a damned good cook and hostess. That woman knew her jewels too and could spot a fake a mile away. I think I'll get rid of mother quick temperedness, impatience and mine field personality but leave all the fun stuff like her sense of humor, her ability to turn any bad situation around to her own advantage and maybe her ability to deal with men. My mother was a determined flirt, a real southern belle even though she wasn't from the south. Growing up, I watched my mom flirt and charm men and have them eating of her hand in 10 minutes or less. That skill set will come in handy for a few things, I think.

What's definitely so great though, is I think I finally left home and I can now be my own person. I can now be the person, I've always wanted to be because I'm not living my life out of hating my father and my mother and I"m not also not rebelling against either of them either. This is such a weird concept, don't you think?