I managed to get to scene 17. It's hard to write this baseball screenplay of mine, when the home team is playing in the world series, and I feel obligated to watch them. The 9 scenes I wrote tonight were the hardest though since I had to get through to the first act and the crucial turning point of the story.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm probably going to have to write several drafts of this screenplay before it's any good, and even then who knows. The writers of the movie "Blue Crush" wrote 8 or more drafts, and that movie while good, had some major flaws.

I don't know why more women don't watch sports. God, talk about a bunch of pretty boys on both teams. I love watching all that young male flesh in their prime at the top of their game. JT Snow is really cute, once he takes his cap off. Robb Nen looks way better without facial hair, although what is it with that heavy gold chain around his neck. So disco.

David Eckstein reminds me of that Cousins guy from the Arizona Diamondbacks I love the Angel Salmon story. Salmon has been with the Angels for 10 years, and it's been his only team. He's a rarity in baseball. And poor Kevin Appier. I remember him when he was pitching for the Oakland A's. And poor Russell Ortiz, and in front of a hometown crowd too. The Angel manager, Mike Scioscia, was cute as young man and he's aged very nicely as well. The announcers are so right. You can't tell from looking at Scioscia whether the team is losing or winning. He looks exactly the same.

The world series is definitely a distraction to me right now. And I feel bad because I think I'm an american league girl, and sometimes I kind of root for the Angels. Don't know why either, since they're in the same division as my beloved A's. But when push comes to shove, I will always root for the Giants.

I think it's going to be a great series, and I hope it goes to game 7, only because it's more exciting then. Talk about a nailbiter.

Watching tonight's world series game has really shown me that to get a win, you've really got to work hard. The Angels and the Giants battled for every run. Every inning was like the 9th inning and both teams fought hard. What really strikes me about baseball and these two teams, is thinking of these kids as young boys. Many of the players from both teams, grew up in SoCal and were team mates or rivals in high school.

I think of all the young boys who started out in little league, who played high school ball, then went onto college ball or the minors, and then finally onto to the major league teams, and then if they're lucky, they're playing in the world series. I think about the selection process these boys went through, how hard they must have worked from a young age to even now, developing their talent, their bodies and their skills. And even when they get to the majors, it's not all easy. Look at JT Snow. He's had a bad year, and now he's on a hot streak in the world series.

I know writing must be exactly the same way. These men had god given talent, and they just kept working that talent, developing that talent, and working hard all their lives. These ball players make it look easy now because they are at the top of their individual games, but it took a lot of hard work and alot of years for them to get to where they are.

It would be dishonorable of me to expect that my road, if there is one, to the pinnacle of my writing talent, will not be any less long, difficult and arduous. Like these baseball players, people have told me at a young age that I had natural writing talent. I never believed them, and went on to other things. But unlike these baseball players, writing talent doesn't seem to depend on age. In fact, it seems takes quite a bit of living and maturity to be a good writer, although there are many writers who've excelled at a very young age.

If I write tomorrow, I'll still be on track to finish my screenplay by the end of the week. I had hoped to finish sooner, and probably would have if the Giants weren't in the series. But oh well. I've learned quite a bit about life and my writing from watching this world series so far, and maybe that's all that really matters.

I just finished writing the first seven scenes of my screenplay. Starting is hard, but once I do start, I'm fine. My goal is to write 30 scenes by Sunday, so 7 scenes down and 23 more to go.

I'll write a review for La Boheme tomorrow.

I haven't been in a writing mood lately, so it's been hard to know what to write. I've been in an odd mood lately, but maybe it's the almost full moon that's affecting my mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing, and what it's supposed to mean to me. I guess I'm not liking what I'm discovering. I think having gifts can very cruel. There are some people who would give their right arm to have a gift that other people have. And just because you have a gift doesn't mean life becomes any easier. And who's to say if you have a gift anyway, because sometimes it sure doesn't look like it. Other people tell you have a gift, and really that's the only way you know, because you sure as hell can't tell for yourself. And what if you don't really have a gift, but you make it because you're driven.

I think I'm a little driven sometimes, although I'm not sure why. I've just been this way about everything for a long time. Something inside drives me, and right now I don't like the fact that I am so driven. Being driven has so many drawbacks. I'm starting to think that if I wasn't so driven, my life would be so different. But I can't stop this feeling I have to strive. It's odd.

If I'm not driving myself I get depressed, but when I stop striving I still get depressed. It'shard to explain. Sometimes I think I write because I'm ambitious and I'm driven. I do enjoy writing, but I think I only enjoy wriitng because I'm good at it.

I don't know. I think I'm just going through some weird exercise in mental and spiritual gymnastics right now. I wish I could stop writing. Just give up and never care. But I can't do that without feeling tremendous guilt that I'm letting myself down. So no matter what I do, it seems I lose and this sense of loss is an awful feeling. Like no matter how I proceed in life, I will never escape this sense of loss. Do other people feel this way? Nobody ever talks about it and I feel really alone right now, and I'm not used to feeling this lonely.

This is probably not making any sense at all, and I've been feeling this way since Friday. Crazy isn't it?

I'm seeing Baz Luhrmann's La Boheme tonight. It should be fun, and I do love opera. I'm also having dinner at restaurant with a friend beforehand, but I'm going to be good and will try not to eat too many fattening foods.

I stepped on the scale earlier this week, and I think I will be on track to lose 2 pounds, so I've got to keep the momentum of my weight loss going.

I've had a headache all day. It's probably stress from my screenplay. I rewrote the version 3 of the outline, and incorporated many of the suggestions from the screenwriting group last night.

I just have to resign myself to the fact, that it's going to take more than a few rewrites to get my screenplay to the point that I really like it. I think this is now the 7th draft outline I've written for it. I wrote 3 draft outlines prior to the first original draft screenplay. And that first draft was really the fourth outline because the story changed as I was writing it.

So now I'm on third draft outline again, and the second draft of the screenplay will probably be the 8th outline. Rewriting is just wild, really wild, and so damned time consuming and hard, hard work. Big sigh!!! Gggrrrr!!!!

I apologize for whining about my writing so much. I'll figure it out. I'm a smart rat. I have amateur computer hack mentality. There isn't any system I can't figure out, so I'll apply my computer hack mentality to my screenplay.

I was reading the workbook from this seminar I took in May last night. That seminar had a whole section on the three blocks to enlightenment, which are.

1) boredom - comes from undirected attention
2) confusion - comes from not relating or not understanding (con - against, fusion - to be one)
3) paradox - comes from the conflict between two contraditory beliefs.

I'm definitely "confused" by the whole screenwriting process. The May seminar taught that the way out of confusion, was to pick one thing from the item that you're confused about, and focus on that. It's kind of like saying, you can understand the universe by looking at how one small thing relates to it. Or something like that. I don't have the workbook with me now, to get the right quote.

I need to pick one thing from screenplay, and understand the universe through it. My screenplay is about the parent/child relationship; this is the theme my screenplay is exploring. I think if I just focus on the parent/child relationship, I'll be able to find an ending that I'm happy with and is satisfying. I think I'm making my screenplay process too complicated. Storytelling is a simple process. I need to remember this. Nothing is more satisfying to me, than a simple story told very, very well. If I focus on what I really love about movies, I know I'll find the happy medium between what I want as an artist and what will satisfy a sophisticated movie going audience. Keeping in mind that I love Hollywood mainstream sappy happy movies and totally hate most anti-establishment independent films, I know I can find the happy medium between the two worlds. I've got to. This is the paradox I see of the screenwriting; to be mainstream and normal in what is basically an outlaw, radical and anti-establishment community.

I'm a writer, and I suppose by definition I'm anti-establishment. But in reality, I'm really not. I'm not the kind of writer who wants to break new ground, start a new genre, or push the envelope of creativity. That kind of writing is boring to me ultimately. I don't have the temperament to reinvent the wheel. I just want to tell a good story, and tell that story very, very well. Telling a story that is entertaining and interesting, that touches your heart is my ultimate goal. I just have to remember this truth about my writing, and let this truth guide my writing. All this other "stuff" I'm going through and I'm hearing is someone else's vision of movies, somebody else's truth, but it's not mine.

I attended a screenwriting group meeting tonight, and read my outline out loud for everyone. God, why oh why am I writing screenplays? They are so hard! They're so much harder to write than novels. I just don't think I think very visually or cinematically. I don't see action right away, or maybe I'm just being lazy and I think everyone is talky like me and just goes around and vomits their feelings all over the place. I don't know.

The structure is fine, the story is fine, it's my beginning and ending which suck! I think this is the reason I gave up writing in high school. I don't know how to end my stories. I'm an E(sometimes an I) NFJ on that Myers-Briggs test ! It's that J coming out. I like everything to end neatly. I like all my endings tied up. I don't like ambiguous endings. Ambiguous endings are disturbing, most of the time unless they're done really well.

I wish I was clever, I wish I was smarter, I wish I could figure out a way to end my stories in a good way, but I can't. I just have to wrap everything up in a neat package, tied with a pretty pink bow

I can't believe I'm making myself write a 110 screenplay, which is only going to be the second draft of the story, and then have it ready to send out for a contest on October 31. Aren't you supposed to send your final drafts to contests? Why am I sending out the second draft?

I'm nuts, completely nuts,l and my screenwriting teacher is nutty too for thinking I can do this. Damn!!! I"m freaking!!!! My acting teacher warned me that he thought my biggest weakness was my fear of failure. I was a bad actress because I couldn't let go on stage, that I was just too buttoned up, too damned WASPy like, that I couldn't just cry and show emotion on stage, that I was afraid of really letting go, that I thought too much, that I was terrified of failing. And you know, he was right. I FEAR FAILURE!!! Like doesn't everybody? Like DUH!!! What kind of deep thought is that? I fear failure.

I thought by writing I could get away from fear of failure, but here it is again. And when I wrote my 9/11 piece for SFGate and it made me cry to write and then read it, I thought I'd gotten over showing my emotions in my writing. But that damned failure thing is showing up again. What if I can't write a good ending? What if I write an ending that I hate, but everybody else likes. This is how it usually goes for me anyway. What I hate, everybody else likes. It's a pattern. It makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing writing?

When I listen to other people trying to come up with their stories, it amazes me, because stories come so easily for me. I'm also pretty darn good with structure too, it seems. It's the stupid other stuff like endings and actions in a film that drive me insane, and that's the part most people find easy. I'm so backwards about everything I do. I hate this, I totally hate this.

Can you tell I'm frustrated? My learning curve is so huge, it seems so unsurmountable to me right now.

I think I just need to sit down and pray about all of this. Maybe do something I did in my 20's when I was overly spiritual about everything, and just all my problems to God. Let him deal with this. He got me into this mess in the first place, so he'd better get me out. But then I'm afraid if I do this, what if it's been too long. What if I don't get an answer? Then what? Is this the part where you've fallen off the cliff and you're hitting everything along the way, so that by the time you hit bottom, you're so bruised from all the knocks, you're already dead? I feel like this right now. My faith is being tested, being tested big time, and I don't know how I'm going to come out on the other side.

On the weight loss front, I didn't lose any weight last week. I didn't expect to anyway. I was stress eating because of my broken fridge, and it was that time of the month again. Stress and the monthly thing isn't the best combination for losing weight.

On Saturday I decided on a whim to take my measurements again, even though I had just measured myself last week. To my surprise, I discovered I lost one whole inch, and in the weirdest places too. I lost 0.5 inches off my knee and 0.5 inches off my calf. My knees and calves are smaller now, then when I was fit and healthy after spending a week at that health spa in southern Utah.

So even know though I didn't lose weight last week, my body is shrinking and maybe even adjusting itself. I have a feeling it might take more than a week for my body to adjust itself to my new weight. I'm 25 pounds thinner now then I was back in April of 2001, and my calves and knees are smaller than they were in 1995. Something is definitely going on with my body, but I think it's a good thing. Getting smaller eveywhere, even in places you've never been smaller before, has got to be a good thing.

After all that whining, I've come up with a solution. I'll just put off all my major expenses till next year. I'll max out my flexible spending account, and pay for my new fashionable pair of glasses that way. The flexible spend money comes out pre-tax, so it's like I'm getting 30-40% more for my money, sort of.

By next year, I'll know more about what's going on with my job and I'll be able to relax again. God, I hate waiting. Waiting is evil!!! It's delayed gratification, which is a concept I totally hate!!! Who needs delayed gratification? When I want something, I want it now!!! I must have driven my parents insane, huh? I think I was one of those kids, who used to be pacified as soon as I cried. My mom used to joke that I had very healthly lungs when I was a baby.

God, I hate being on a budget! I think I detest being on a budget, as much as I detest being on a diet! I hate not being able to buy whatever I want. I hate having to put things off, like getting a new pair of glasses and sun clip-ons, because I'm afraid I'll be unemployed by the end of the year. I hate not being able to eat as much ice cream as I want, or not drinking as much as beer as I want, or freaking out because I ate too many chips and guacamole dip at a party.

I mean, I have the money to spend $200 on a new pair of glasses, but it feels like such a luxury in this bad economy. There's nothing wrong with the pair of glasses I bought in 2000, after all. I'm just bored as hell with them.

Maybe it's my parents' fault, I'm having a hissy fit right now. They totally indulged me when I was growing up, and yes, okay, I am somewhat spoiled materially, but that's not my fault. I can't help it that I have expensive tastes, that I have this gift for only liking the most expensive thing in any store or the thing that's going to cost a ton of money. I only really look good in certain styles and things, and those styles and things, are always very expensive.

Okay, I know I'm whining big time here, but maybe trying to diet with food and money is not the best thing in the world to do. You can do one or other, but not both. I am so stressed. All I want to do is eat Ben and Jerry's ice cream and chocolate sauce.

Wow! The world series in the California Republic. The world series Cali style! I'm sure the papers outside of the California Republic will have much to say about this interesting turn of events. Everybody seems to hate California, especially the 9 county San Francisco Bay Area and of course, the region of celluloid sin, the Los Angeles region.

It will definitely be interesting to read what they say about the Disney Team and the left wing whackos from the Left Coast. Let the editorials begin!

You've got to respect the power of a streak. The San Francisco Giants are going to the world series. They peaked at the right time. They were on a streak, and they're world series bound. I'm so tempted to get a ticket. I've been to a world series game before when the Oakland A's played the Cincinnati Reds back in the early 90s's, and it would so cool to go another one.

Go Giants!

The terrorist attack in Bali makes me so sad. I spent a month in Bali about 12 years ago, and it is a beautiful island. I think I even remember where the Sari club is on Kuta Beach, since I spent two weeks at a resort there. The people in Bali are so religious; making offerings to their gods about three times a day. Bali was such a safe place to be. When I was there, there was no violent crime to speak of.

Now it seems that's all changed, and I feel most of all sorry for the Indonesian people and what the attack will do to their already faltering economy. Bali was a big destination for Australian tourists, and many students went to Bali on for their breaks.

I wonder what the people who said that America was to blame for the 9/11 attacks will say now? Are the Indonesians to blame? The Aussies? I wonder if those people who blamed US foreign policy for 9/11 are now ashamed for saying what they said?

I'm tired today. I ate too mucy yummy fattening food at the bbq yesterday. We ended up watching the SF Giants/SL Cardinals game. It's exciting to think that the home team is one game away from getting into the world series. My poor beloved A's are out, but the SF Giants are in, so the half of me is happy at least.

I would love to go the world series game, but tickets are probably going to so expensive. I'm already going to La Boheme on Thursday, and shelled out $70 for that ticket. None of my close girlfriends really like baseball, and would only attend if they get a free ticket. It's kind of drag sometimes to be a girl who likes sports. I really don't know why more women don't enjoy sports. I played sports growing up, so I appreciate people who play sports. But I was lucky that way growing up. Both my parents were sports enthusiasts, and played competitive sports growing up. I'm just a product of their sports attitudes, and their habits since I also grew up watching sports programs on TV.

Sometimes I think most women don't like sports because it's a guy thing, and not a girl thing. Or maybe it has to do with women having to compete for attention with sports with their man. I like watching sports, so I consider sporting events an enjoyable activity you do with your guy. But I'm weird that way I think. I mean, I watch sports on TV whether I'm with a guy or not. How weird is that for a chickie girl?

No Mr. Welsh from Trainspotting unfortunately. The bar was filled to the capacity when we got there, and there was a line going down the block to get in. It was definitely poor planning on our part, but who knew he would get that kind of crowd. We ended up at some bar, where you could buy beers for $3 and well drinks for $2.50. It was my kind of bar; dark, small and the drinks were cheap.

My Tibetan Energy Yoga class was cancelled as well, which bummed me out. To make up for this loss I signed up for another seminar in November, with the man I learned tibetan yoga techniques back in May. His office recommended I attend a companion seminar being held on the previous day with Russell Targ, who wrote Miracles of the Mind. So I signed up for that one as well.

The blue angels were buzzing around yesterday afternoon for Fleet Week, so I got up on my roof and watched them. They fly with so much precision and speed, so they are very cool to watch. I remember watching them as a child, so I'm amazed that the program is still around. They were flying so low, you could see the numbers on the bottom of their planes.

I feel better today. I made myself sleep alot, which always helps my mood because then I dream weird dreams. I think longer periods of sleep help my subconsicous work itself out in dreams. I've gone back to my half hour ritual of praying and meditation again. Last week I was so stressed out about the broken fridge and my screenplay outline, that I stopped. Quieting my mind by prayer and meditation relaxes me and helps to get rid of stress.

My writing group is having a bbq at a member's house this afternoon. It's a sunny day, and it will be fun. My writing friend and her husband just bought the house last year, and although it's in Oakland and not SF, at least they've got a place they can call their own. I prefer not to live anywhere else in the SF Bay area except in the city and county of San Francisco, but with housing prices the way they are here, it's hard to be that picky when you're buying a place.

I just received feedback from my screenwriting teacher. She said my outline was "good", and suggested a few changes.

She didn't like the beginning, which is fine. I could cut three scenes from the beginning, and start where she suggested. Then I'd have three extra scenes to fill in, which I can do since the screenplay as it is now is really tight. I had a question for her about my first two opening scenes, which I'd like to keep. My only other question was if I cut those three scenes at the beginning, then two scenes which I put in at the end to wrap up what happened in the beginning are no longer necessary. At least, that's what my gut instinct is telling me. I have a thing about wrapping all the story lines up. Many writers don't do this, and some writers feel that you shouldn't neatly wrap up all the loose ends in a story because then your story becomes too neat and organized. But too bad. I like my story lines wrapped up. Besides, I think I can wrap a story line up and still make the ending of the story line ambiguous and not neat, so it's not too contrived.

Five new scenes to add in. Interesting. My screenwriting teacher also said that "every man needs a cave", and that my main character should have one. He sort of already does, but it's not straightforward. I could use the extra scenes to give my main guy more time in his cave.

I was dreading my screenwriting teacher's feedback, but it wasn't too bad. Of course, this is the time when a writer realizes that certain things about their work are sacred and can't be touched. I think I'm attached to my opening two scenes. I've managed to let go of having a voice over in the beginning, which I totally love in a movie. My screenwriting teacher convinced me that my voiceover wasn't justified. And now my opening scenes with the baseball team must go too. My screenwriting teacher said from the very beginning, back in February, that she thought the baseball team scenes were unnecessary, and now they're almost all gone. Sad!

But perhaps she's right. Baseball is just the background to the story, and it really doesn't have to be shown. But gosh darn it!!! I loved my baseball team scenes! A friend at one of my jobs convinced me of the wisdom of picking your battles wisely, and that not every battle has to be fought. Maybe I need to heed my work friend's wisdom now. At least now, I don't have to worry about getting permission from the owners of Pac Bell park to use their baseball stadium and facilities in my story. I can just say "Outside of the baseball park", and not say it's Pac Bell park. Using famous places is such a hassle. You first have to get permssion to the use the place in your story, and then if your movie does get sold, the cost of filming at the famous play has to be added to the movie budget. And what's worse, the famous place people might not even give you permission to mention their location in your story or let a movie be filmed there. It's so not worth the bother really.

By taking the baseball scenes completely out, I also won't get the severe scrutiny from the die hard baseball fan community either. Those people are so persnickety about getting the baseball stuff right.

Still, I hate losing my baseball team scenes. Never mind that they weren't very accurate, they were sort of my favorites. Sigh!

Writing feels like I'm being crucified somehow. It's incredibly lonely and painful to bare your soul on paper, and I have constant thoughts which go something like "Oh god, why have you forsaken me? Why can't I just be like everyone else, and watch TV and have no inclination to express my creativing in such a revealing way. God, why did you abandon me? You know I'm a sissy, a wuss, and I hate pain and I hate being criticized. You know my ego is more fragile than glass sliver." Then I start wondering if an experience I had in my childhood is to blame for these feelings. Let me explain.

When I was 12 and going through that hormonal raging period, my aunt and uncle and their family had moved into our house. My uncle had just finished his residency to be a doctor, and they needed a place to live until he could pass the state medical bar exam and get a job. My uncle is a deeply religious catholic, and he went to mass constantly. I started going with him and my cousins, and became for a brief time like a born again catholic.

We went to Novena mass on Wednesday, some other service on Friday and of course church on Sunday. I even sang in my catholic church choir that year. When Easter came around that year, we went to Stations of the Cross mass and I became really caught up in the whole thing, so caught up that I used sob uncontrollably during the whole mass. I remember getting this idea in my silly 12 year old head that to really one with Jesus Christ, I needed a sign. So catholic huh, to want a sign. I remember going to the library, and looking up catholic signs and miracles. In this one book, I read about people who received stigmata in their hands and/or feet. Since it was easter, I decided that I wanted a stigmata to appear in my hands or feet so I could experience crucifixion with Jesus. Then I could go into the nunnery and be a bride of christ forever. Don't all young catholic girls fantasize about being chosen to be a nun, a bride of christ, a servant of the lord, pure, chaste and celibate for the rest of your life?

I remember praying every night and at each mass I went to, for god to give me stigmata. I remember wantng to really know what it was like to be crucified like Jesus. Of course, I never got my stigmata and well, then I discovered boys. It then occurred to me that maybe being a nun wasn't such a good idea. I was supremely disappointed I wasn't chosen to be a bride of christ and have stigmata, but then maybe feeling the pain of crucifixion wouldn't have been such a good idea either.

Is God now granting my wish and making me feel the pain of crucifixion in my writing? Had I known at age 12 it was going to be this painful, I wouldn't have prayed for it Does this mean be careful of what you might wish for, because you might get it some time before you die? What a scary thought!

I finished my screenplay outline and sent it to my screenwriting teacher today. I'm not sure if I'm happy with it, but at least it's done. What a labour of love writing is!!!

This has definitely been a hard week for me. I've been feeling very alone and isolated all week, except for yesterday when I went to see my optometrist for my annual eye exam. We started talking about the war on Iraq, and he compared it to Vietnam. He then told me he was a Vietnam war veteran, so we talked about his experiences for awhile. He enlisted early in 1965, and he said in 1965 there were less than 50,000 soldiers there, and that number grew in a few months to half a million. I had no idea. We started talking about boot camp, and I asked him if it was like that Stanley Kubrick movie "Full Metal Jacket". He said it was worse, and he was like the fat guy in the movie and was endlessly tortured by the other recruits. He dropped 25 pounds in 10 weeks, and at the end he stopped being afraid of getting into a fight. He said in boot camp, the recruits only get bullits when they go to the shooting range, so that part of Kubrick movie was probably unrealistic. He said the military knows better than to give recruits bullits, because if they did, the recruits would shoot the instructors.

It was nice of my optometrist to share a part of his life with me like that. I like when people open up and tell me their life story.

I think I may have been feeling so isolated, because I've been focused on getting my screenplay outline written. Writing is such a concentrated activity. It drains all my energy sometimes. I felt so isolated in bible class, which was strange, but I think I was so preoccupied with my screenplay that it was hard for me to relate to people in class.

I'm thinking of going out with friends tomorrow to see the author of "Trainspotting" read in some pub. I know I need to get out and socialize for a bit, before I start getting caught up in writing my screenplay. Tomorrow, I'm going to a Tibetan Energy Yoga class, which should be fun. I learned some tibetan yoga techniques in a seminar I took in May, and it's a different way of doing yoga than the normal indian style of yoga. Tibetan yoga is more like Tai Chi, in that it's very slow, deliberate and concentrated.

On Sunday, I'll start writing my screenplay. I'm kind of excitd about starting, and at the same time, I'm dreading it. It's that writer's fear coming up, I guess, big time, way big time.

I am so lazy and bad. I'm supposed to be working on my outline for my screenplay, so I can send it to my screenwriting teacher tomorrow for approval. I can't write my screenplay till she approves the revised outline. And I'm just stalling.

I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't enter this contest. I'll never finish the thing in time to send on October 31. I'm thinking I'm so not ready for anyone, let alone a panel of judges, to see my screenplay yet. I'm like, I don't have to write so other people can read my stories. I can just write for my own personal pleasure, and to hell with everyone else. I'm like, I'm stalling because working on the second draft is going to be so much harder than the inspirational first draft, and I'm so no ready to work that hard on my writing yet. I'm like, what if I fail at writing too, then what? What the hell else am I going to do to torture and amuse myself?

My new vacation dilemma.

My screenwriting teacher is offering a screenwriting retreat in Hawaii in January. My mom wants me to come and visit in January. I could go to the screenwriting retreat and then go and see my mom.

A friend of mine invited to go with her on a one week cruise to Mexico in March. I've never been on a cruise before, and I'm curious to know what they're like. I could use a holiday in Mexico, and it would be fun to lay in the sun for a week.

I can do one of these trips but not both. My friends tells me the Mexican cruise would only cost about $500, plus airfare to LA. The Hawaii trip with airfare and expenses for the retreat will probably run $500-$1000, and I'd be taking 10 days of vacation.

Part of me just wants to stay home and save money. The economy is so bad right, and who knows when it will get better. I should stay home, and save as much as possible and pay off my credit card debts. If I'm vigilant, I will be completely debt free by the end of next year. Debt free that is, except for my car. I have had credit card debt for the last 12 years, and once you start down that road it's hard to get off of it. I get close to paying it all off, then I just add more to it. I'm just sick of the cycle. I'm committed to getting it all paid off, and then never getting back into it. I'll still use my credit cards, but I'm determined to not let it get out of control anymore and pile up again. With all the churn about my job and the economy, getting rid of a stressor like debt will lighten my anxiety level.

I can always go to Hawaii another year, as well as go on a cruise later. I have three months to decide. I told my screenwriting teacher and my friend, that if I'm still gainfully employed at the end of the year, I'll consider a vacation. In the old days, I would thrown caution to the wind and gone to Hawaii and go on a mexican cruise. But that's how my debts piled up, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.