I have been living out scenes like Mia Farrow's character in Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose", which is one of my favourite movies. If you've seen the movie, you'll get the reference.
I don't want to jinx myself but I woke up happy today, happier anyway that I've been since November 29. I hope it lasts and lasts and lasts. This is my one christmas wish, that whatever anxiety I've been going through these last few months stop and I go back to being somewhat carefree and happy go lucky self who loved the life she was leading.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Sunday, December 12, 2004
I went through my writing papers today, and I found 15 writing projects that I've started and are in various stages of completion. There are stories I finished, and I want to keep working on. There are stories I started, and I'm not even sure I'm even interested in writing them anymore. I found some notes for a weird story I was interested in writing called "The Unsettler", and I couldn't believe I had written this story about a group of murders taking place in the West Virginia hills. I'm reading my own handwriting and thinking, where the heck did I get this idea from?
I'm going to type up the notes for the story only because they're so bizarre, but I'm not sure I'm ready to write a murder story. I'd like the story to be a short story or maybe a novella, but not another long novel. Novels take so long to write, and I don't have the patience for writing them.
I'd like to at least finish one story this year and I decided that since I'm going to Texas for the holidays, I figured I might as well finish the novel I started in 2003 called "Texas is a state of mind". I've got 3.5 chapters to go. I managed to finish 1.5 chapters this year, which is sad.
My writing productivity for 2004 has just been really, really bad. The stress of having to find a new job, then starting a new job really took a toll on my writing. I started writing again just before red-haired guy came into my life, but then things went emotionally haywire for me and my creative writing practically ceased. I've been writing like mad in my personal journal, but not story writing at all.
I've got to really get a handle on that in 2005. I think my life functions much happier when I'm writing and I feel productive and creative. I have to figure out how to make writing a habit. Journal writing is a habit for me. Blogging is habitual most of the time. But I can't seem to make creative wriitng a habit.
Some people at Nanowrimo were blogging their novels online. That would be wild to post a novel entry every day for people to read. It would be bad first draft writing and who wants to come across that and read it on the screen. Yucky!
I'd like 2005 to be a big breakthrough year for me with my writing, where I develop good writing habits and start finishing stories and sending them out. I think it's the next step in my writing process, but I have no idea what I'm going to have to do, have to give up in my life to get to that point.
I'm going to type up the notes for the story only because they're so bizarre, but I'm not sure I'm ready to write a murder story. I'd like the story to be a short story or maybe a novella, but not another long novel. Novels take so long to write, and I don't have the patience for writing them.
I'd like to at least finish one story this year and I decided that since I'm going to Texas for the holidays, I figured I might as well finish the novel I started in 2003 called "Texas is a state of mind". I've got 3.5 chapters to go. I managed to finish 1.5 chapters this year, which is sad.
My writing productivity for 2004 has just been really, really bad. The stress of having to find a new job, then starting a new job really took a toll on my writing. I started writing again just before red-haired guy came into my life, but then things went emotionally haywire for me and my creative writing practically ceased. I've been writing like mad in my personal journal, but not story writing at all.
I've got to really get a handle on that in 2005. I think my life functions much happier when I'm writing and I feel productive and creative. I have to figure out how to make writing a habit. Journal writing is a habit for me. Blogging is habitual most of the time. But I can't seem to make creative wriitng a habit.
Some people at Nanowrimo were blogging their novels online. That would be wild to post a novel entry every day for people to read. It would be bad first draft writing and who wants to come across that and read it on the screen. Yucky!
I'd like 2005 to be a big breakthrough year for me with my writing, where I develop good writing habits and start finishing stories and sending them out. I think it's the next step in my writing process, but I have no idea what I'm going to have to do, have to give up in my life to get to that point.
I had a really great and productive day yesterday. I went to see my kineseologist for my bimonthly visit and he brought my energy back up to 96%. Most people's energy is at 80 something percent, so to be at 96% is a good thing. Then I had a training session with my japanese Ki energy trainer. I've had four sessions with him so far, but I decided to discontinue it. I wasn't sure it was working, although I loved hearing about the philosophy of going with the flow. He said I was good at it, even though I never ever practice.
Then it was back to the city for a shopping and a haircut. Shopping at Union Square isn't all that crowded to me, and all the stores are having sales. I get the feeling that most people aren't really too many things. I see a lot of people without shopping bags. I mailed off three presents at the post office in Macy's basement. I keep forgetting there's a post office there, which is open on Sundays as well. I finished all my Christmas shopping! YEAH ME! Now I just have to send out the cards and mail more presents.
Next stop was Trader Joe's in the Inner Richmond. The place is such a traffic nightmare. There is definitely not enough parking for that store. I parked a block away, and walked to the store since I wasn't shopping for that many items. I bought some St. John's Wort, which is like natural prozac. I used to take it when I working at the startups to calm my nerves, and it did help. I'm hoping it will help me calm my anxiety down.
My final appointment of the day was at my accupuncturist. Sad isn't it? I need a team of alternative healers to keep me functional, which costs a ton of money but which makes me feel good and happy. I don't have back problems, my energy is good, I only need 5-6 hours of sleep a night, my skin is decent, and I think generally my health is decent considering all the problems I used to have.
I even made a stop at the bank on the way home to deposit some checks. Then I spent the rest of the night watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring". What a great movie. I'm definitely watching it again tonight.
Then it was back to the city for a shopping and a haircut. Shopping at Union Square isn't all that crowded to me, and all the stores are having sales. I get the feeling that most people aren't really too many things. I see a lot of people without shopping bags. I mailed off three presents at the post office in Macy's basement. I keep forgetting there's a post office there, which is open on Sundays as well. I finished all my Christmas shopping! YEAH ME! Now I just have to send out the cards and mail more presents.
Next stop was Trader Joe's in the Inner Richmond. The place is such a traffic nightmare. There is definitely not enough parking for that store. I parked a block away, and walked to the store since I wasn't shopping for that many items. I bought some St. John's Wort, which is like natural prozac. I used to take it when I working at the startups to calm my nerves, and it did help. I'm hoping it will help me calm my anxiety down.
My final appointment of the day was at my accupuncturist. Sad isn't it? I need a team of alternative healers to keep me functional, which costs a ton of money but which makes me feel good and happy. I don't have back problems, my energy is good, I only need 5-6 hours of sleep a night, my skin is decent, and I think generally my health is decent considering all the problems I used to have.
I even made a stop at the bank on the way home to deposit some checks. Then I spent the rest of the night watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring". What a great movie. I'm definitely watching it again tonight.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Damn! I was just in the middle of typing a really nice post when I accidentally deleted the whole dang thing. I hate that! Okay, here I go again.
I feel so much better tonight. I had a little anxiety when I came home tonight, but it was just a twinge.
Damn! Damn! Damn! I hate when I have to type over a post. I was into a roll talking about how I had no regrets in life. How my current job turned out to be a really good decision this year. It's not the perfect job, no job I feel will ever be that perfect, but I've got a great boss. The best boss I've had in a long time. Sure the woman gets on my nerves and I get peeved at her a ton, but she really is very good. This new job has also allowed me to meet most of my financial goals this year, while at the same time letting me spend money like it's going out of style.
I was kind of having regrets about the red-haired guy, but you know we had a good run. I knew my time with him was limited from the get go, and I did feel loved some of the time and I was able to let myself fall in love with him a little. And if I were to die today, I have nothing I need to say to him that I didn't already say. I left that relationship saying everything I needed to say so when I left I wouldn't have the feeling that I wished I'd told him this, I wish I'm told him that. I've been trying to do with all my relationships for a few years, because there is nothing worse than having relationship regrets.
The only thing I know I would regret if I were to die tonight, and I'm not sure what to think about this one, is I wish I'd written more. My list of accomplishments for my writing is about 10 plus items, and that's a piddly amount considering writing is something I think I'm actually good at and might want to do for a living some day. I have so many stories I wish I had gotten down on paper this year, so many short stories I wished I'd finished, four novels that I wish I'd finish, a screenplay that just needs 30 more pages to end, etc.
I never thought I'd ever have the thought that I had written more stories on my deathbed, but now I've had it. And it sucked and it was kind of sad. Sad because I keep thinking that if I could just sit my butt down in a chair and make myself write, I could have written more. I had the time, I just didn't have the discipline or desire maybe to do it. I don't know.
And with this now huge regret swirling around my head, I'm buying myself a laptop for my birthday in January. I'd buy one now, but I'm taking my work laptop with me on vacation in case an emergency comes up, and I don't want to be travelling with two laptops. I know a new toy like a laptop might really movitate me to write.
I keep telling myself it would be so much easier if I had a laptop, and now I won't have that complaint anymore. I mean I'm even contemplating going to be earlier so I could get up and write. Since I've been anxiety ridden these last few weeks, I've been going to bed at 10 or 11 pm, and waking up at 5 am. I can't sleep more than six hours without getting up. If I keep gong to bed early, I could experiment with writing in the morning. I've never actually made my myself write in the morning other than doing morning pages a few years back. Of course I'd have to fit in more writing after work before I go to the gym at 7 pm, but the more hours to write to better I say.
I feel so much better tonight. I had a little anxiety when I came home tonight, but it was just a twinge.
Damn! Damn! Damn! I hate when I have to type over a post. I was into a roll talking about how I had no regrets in life. How my current job turned out to be a really good decision this year. It's not the perfect job, no job I feel will ever be that perfect, but I've got a great boss. The best boss I've had in a long time. Sure the woman gets on my nerves and I get peeved at her a ton, but she really is very good. This new job has also allowed me to meet most of my financial goals this year, while at the same time letting me spend money like it's going out of style.
I was kind of having regrets about the red-haired guy, but you know we had a good run. I knew my time with him was limited from the get go, and I did feel loved some of the time and I was able to let myself fall in love with him a little. And if I were to die today, I have nothing I need to say to him that I didn't already say. I left that relationship saying everything I needed to say so when I left I wouldn't have the feeling that I wished I'd told him this, I wish I'm told him that. I've been trying to do with all my relationships for a few years, because there is nothing worse than having relationship regrets.
The only thing I know I would regret if I were to die tonight, and I'm not sure what to think about this one, is I wish I'd written more. My list of accomplishments for my writing is about 10 plus items, and that's a piddly amount considering writing is something I think I'm actually good at and might want to do for a living some day. I have so many stories I wish I had gotten down on paper this year, so many short stories I wished I'd finished, four novels that I wish I'd finish, a screenplay that just needs 30 more pages to end, etc.
I never thought I'd ever have the thought that I had written more stories on my deathbed, but now I've had it. And it sucked and it was kind of sad. Sad because I keep thinking that if I could just sit my butt down in a chair and make myself write, I could have written more. I had the time, I just didn't have the discipline or desire maybe to do it. I don't know.
And with this now huge regret swirling around my head, I'm buying myself a laptop for my birthday in January. I'd buy one now, but I'm taking my work laptop with me on vacation in case an emergency comes up, and I don't want to be travelling with two laptops. I know a new toy like a laptop might really movitate me to write.
I keep telling myself it would be so much easier if I had a laptop, and now I won't have that complaint anymore. I mean I'm even contemplating going to be earlier so I could get up and write. Since I've been anxiety ridden these last few weeks, I've been going to bed at 10 or 11 pm, and waking up at 5 am. I can't sleep more than six hours without getting up. If I keep gong to bed early, I could experiment with writing in the morning. I've never actually made my myself write in the morning other than doing morning pages a few years back. Of course I'd have to fit in more writing after work before I go to the gym at 7 pm, but the more hours to write to better I say.
Last night I felt way better. I didn't hardly have any anxiety and this morning and today, I've been better. Not sure what is going on, but I'm glad the anxiety has subsided. I told my boss at work what was going on when she asked if there was "anything going on". I don't think I've been myself at work lately. She knows about my relationship with the red-haired guy and how up and down it's been. I think she was worried.
So I've been doing my list of accomplishment and under Money and Finance, I've come up with 24 things I can be proud of. I have not been paying attention to my finances at all these last four months and thought I was spending money wildly, but I haven't been that bad. I've really started to set up my life up so I save money automatically and it really, really helps. I fell short of my savings goals this year because I went on furniture buying binge, but I think I can make up for it next year if I go back to my tight wad ways.
I love having money in the bank! And I think by July if all goes well, I will be credit card debt free! Yeah me! Then I'll just have my car payment left and that will be finished by the end of 2005. I want to buy a laptop so badly and go on vacation, but I think I'll wait till after July. Not sure if I can wait on the laptop though.
If I can ever decide on which laptop to buy, I think it will be my only major purchase for next year. I'm thinking I need a new printer as well as my very old HP from 1998 is starting to not feed paper, but I saw one I liked at Costco for $200. My 1998 monitor is about to die as well and a friend of mine is trying to convince me to buy a flat screen monitor. I don't think they're that expensive, so I may just buy it one of these days.
I think I've done enough major apartment upgrading for now, and the laptop is the only thing that I really, really, reallly want.
So I've been doing my list of accomplishment and under Money and Finance, I've come up with 24 things I can be proud of. I have not been paying attention to my finances at all these last four months and thought I was spending money wildly, but I haven't been that bad. I've really started to set up my life up so I save money automatically and it really, really helps. I fell short of my savings goals this year because I went on furniture buying binge, but I think I can make up for it next year if I go back to my tight wad ways.
I love having money in the bank! And I think by July if all goes well, I will be credit card debt free! Yeah me! Then I'll just have my car payment left and that will be finished by the end of 2005. I want to buy a laptop so badly and go on vacation, but I think I'll wait till after July. Not sure if I can wait on the laptop though.
If I can ever decide on which laptop to buy, I think it will be my only major purchase for next year. I'm thinking I need a new printer as well as my very old HP from 1998 is starting to not feed paper, but I saw one I liked at Costco for $200. My 1998 monitor is about to die as well and a friend of mine is trying to convince me to buy a flat screen monitor. I don't think they're that expensive, so I may just buy it one of these days.
I think I've done enough major apartment upgrading for now, and the laptop is the only thing that I really, really, reallly want.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
I just started doing my 4th quarter accomplishments for work, and I'm always amazed by how much work I completed in three months. I always get this feeling at work that I don't do enough, but then when I look at my list of over 35+ plus projects I've completed, I'm like I work really hard. It just never feels like I work hard because I'm not doing any overtime and I book out at 5 pm every night on the dot. But my list of completed projects is really, really long!
I'm thinking I need to start a list of accomplishments for my life and my writing every quarter as well, because right now it feels like I'm such a lazy little slug. I know I'm not, but it sure as heck feels that way.
But I know I've done a lot like ...
1. changed jobs
2. bought a new bed and mattress
3. bought a new tv, dvd and vcr
4. bought a new stereo system
5. got published four times on the internet
6. opened a money market account
7. paid off all my credit cards except for one card
8. had dental surgery to correct bleeding gums
9. bought new glasses
10. bought a new lingere chest and new chest of drawers
And this is just the beginning.
I'm thinking I need to start a list of accomplishments for my life and my writing every quarter as well, because right now it feels like I'm such a lazy little slug. I know I'm not, but it sure as heck feels that way.
But I know I've done a lot like ...
1. changed jobs
2. bought a new bed and mattress
3. bought a new tv, dvd and vcr
4. bought a new stereo system
5. got published four times on the internet
6. opened a money market account
7. paid off all my credit cards except for one card
8. had dental surgery to correct bleeding gums
9. bought new glasses
10. bought a new lingere chest and new chest of drawers
And this is just the beginning.
The last few days have been bad. My anxiety attacks have just been unbelievable! I'm okay for the most part during the day, but at night I just start freaking and crying. I think grandma must have been worried about me since I had a particularly bad night last night, as I kept waking up in fear last night and decided I needed to say the "Our Father" prayer and some "Hail Mary" prayers thrown in just for good measure. It's amazing how that good catholic girl training comes in handy sometimes.
Anyway, when I walked into my kitchen this morning to make coffee the whole place smelled like grandma's kitchen at home on Kauai. I knew she was there haunting me and and letting me know she was worried about me. I usually completely freak out when I smell those home smells, but this morning I was comforted. I must have been in a pretty bad state for grandma to haunt me like that.
My sisters, who both suffer from anxiety attacks, said they've been going through this all their lives. I hate it, and I'm like why am I getting it now at this age? It's definitely an inherited thing, and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about it or am I just going to have to learn to live with it. Both my sisters swear their anxiety keeps them at their svelte size 4 and under. My anxiety attacks aren't doing a thing for my weight. I'm not losing any weight, but at least I'm not gaining any weight and I guess that's a good thing. I usually gain weight when I'm stressed out.
Anyway, when I walked into my kitchen this morning to make coffee the whole place smelled like grandma's kitchen at home on Kauai. I knew she was there haunting me and and letting me know she was worried about me. I usually completely freak out when I smell those home smells, but this morning I was comforted. I must have been in a pretty bad state for grandma to haunt me like that.
My sisters, who both suffer from anxiety attacks, said they've been going through this all their lives. I hate it, and I'm like why am I getting it now at this age? It's definitely an inherited thing, and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about it or am I just going to have to learn to live with it. Both my sisters swear their anxiety keeps them at their svelte size 4 and under. My anxiety attacks aren't doing a thing for my weight. I'm not losing any weight, but at least I'm not gaining any weight and I guess that's a good thing. I usually gain weight when I'm stressed out.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Just to get caught up, here's a recap of my Thanksgiving weekend.
I drove up to Redding California to visit my aunt and uncle on Wednesday. Redding is about a four drive up North or about 223 miles. I totally messed the time up and instead of leaving San Francisco by 3 pm, I left after 4 pm. This was a HUGE mistake. I got caught in a typical Bay Area Friday night commute home, with added day before Thankgiving traffic. It took me two hours to go from San Francisco to Richmond California, which is only about less than 30 mile drive. The traffic was horrendous, and I don't know how people can stand to do this commute every day.
Once I left the Bay Area, the traffic got better until I hit a five car pile up in Fairfield. That was a scary sight. I'd never seen five cars smashed all in a row like that. You see a sight like that and you think, what's the chances of that being me?
Once I got off i-80and went on 505 and then onto interstate 5, I was fine. I was flying and doing about 80-85 mph. My car is so fun to drive and very, very comfortable to sit in. I wasn't even sore so I didn't even stop and just hoofed it up there.
Driving on I-5 is a trip because it's nothing but huge, huge trucks. I hate driving near big trucks; they scare me. My car is way too small, and the one and only accident I had involved a big rig truck so the trucks just freak me out. I zipped around them as much as I could and I held my breath each time.
The four drive turned into a five hour drive, but considering I was in rush hour/pre thanksgiving traffic I probably made good time. My poor aunt and uncle thought I'd be there sooner, so they waited to have dinner until I got there. I told them I didn't think I'd be there till 10 pm, but they decided to wait anyway. I didn't know this of course, so I stopped at the McDonalds near their house for my dinner and got food through the drivethru. What a waste of good highway junk food! I ended up putting my Mickey D food in their fridge, and going out to dinner with them which they paid for. My uncle always pays for dinner.
My aunt and uncle moved up to Redding to retire and now that they have all this free time, they do nothing but gamble at all the indian casinos that are mushrooming up there. So of course after dinner, they took me to their favourite casino. My uncle plays poker, and he gives my aunt money to entertain herself by playing the slot machines or bingo if they have it. Since I was with them, my uncle handed me and my aunt a wad of money and said "Here, go enjoy yourself. I want to play cards."
Now I'm not into gambling, but since my uncle gave me some money and they both obviously wanted to enjoy themselves and I was staying with them, I gambled with them till 3 am. I lost all the money he gave me, but my aunt was luckier and doubled her stash. She is a very lucky gambler, and had won $800 last week at a slot machine.
It's unbelievable how many people are gambling their money away in the wee hours of the morning in an indian casino in northern california. People are really into it. And unlike Vegas or Atlantic City, they don't serve you free booze drinks at indian casinos. You can get free soft drinks, but no free alcohol. The indian casinos aren't as nice as the ones in Vegas as well. No sports betting, no fancy games. Just poker, bingo, slot machines, and blackjack. I don't think I even saw a craps table. Not that I think I ever took an inventory of a Las Vegas casino, but the indian casino we went to was definitely low rent.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be spending the start of a Thanksgiving holiday at a dumpy indian casino, but it was fun only because my aunt and uncle are so nice to hang with. My aunt is really sweet, and she was giving me motherly advice during our slot machine games.
I drove up to Redding California to visit my aunt and uncle on Wednesday. Redding is about a four drive up North or about 223 miles. I totally messed the time up and instead of leaving San Francisco by 3 pm, I left after 4 pm. This was a HUGE mistake. I got caught in a typical Bay Area Friday night commute home, with added day before Thankgiving traffic. It took me two hours to go from San Francisco to Richmond California, which is only about less than 30 mile drive. The traffic was horrendous, and I don't know how people can stand to do this commute every day.
Once I left the Bay Area, the traffic got better until I hit a five car pile up in Fairfield. That was a scary sight. I'd never seen five cars smashed all in a row like that. You see a sight like that and you think, what's the chances of that being me?
Once I got off i-80and went on 505 and then onto interstate 5, I was fine. I was flying and doing about 80-85 mph. My car is so fun to drive and very, very comfortable to sit in. I wasn't even sore so I didn't even stop and just hoofed it up there.
Driving on I-5 is a trip because it's nothing but huge, huge trucks. I hate driving near big trucks; they scare me. My car is way too small, and the one and only accident I had involved a big rig truck so the trucks just freak me out. I zipped around them as much as I could and I held my breath each time.
The four drive turned into a five hour drive, but considering I was in rush hour/pre thanksgiving traffic I probably made good time. My poor aunt and uncle thought I'd be there sooner, so they waited to have dinner until I got there. I told them I didn't think I'd be there till 10 pm, but they decided to wait anyway. I didn't know this of course, so I stopped at the McDonalds near their house for my dinner and got food through the drivethru. What a waste of good highway junk food! I ended up putting my Mickey D food in their fridge, and going out to dinner with them which they paid for. My uncle always pays for dinner.
My aunt and uncle moved up to Redding to retire and now that they have all this free time, they do nothing but gamble at all the indian casinos that are mushrooming up there. So of course after dinner, they took me to their favourite casino. My uncle plays poker, and he gives my aunt money to entertain herself by playing the slot machines or bingo if they have it. Since I was with them, my uncle handed me and my aunt a wad of money and said "Here, go enjoy yourself. I want to play cards."
Now I'm not into gambling, but since my uncle gave me some money and they both obviously wanted to enjoy themselves and I was staying with them, I gambled with them till 3 am. I lost all the money he gave me, but my aunt was luckier and doubled her stash. She is a very lucky gambler, and had won $800 last week at a slot machine.
It's unbelievable how many people are gambling their money away in the wee hours of the morning in an indian casino in northern california. People are really into it. And unlike Vegas or Atlantic City, they don't serve you free booze drinks at indian casinos. You can get free soft drinks, but no free alcohol. The indian casinos aren't as nice as the ones in Vegas as well. No sports betting, no fancy games. Just poker, bingo, slot machines, and blackjack. I don't think I even saw a craps table. Not that I think I ever took an inventory of a Las Vegas casino, but the indian casino we went to was definitely low rent.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be spending the start of a Thanksgiving holiday at a dumpy indian casino, but it was fun only because my aunt and uncle are so nice to hang with. My aunt is really sweet, and she was giving me motherly advice during our slot machine games.
Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.
But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.
You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.
It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.
Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.
But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.
You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.
It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.
Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Last night was the first time I felt like my old self again. I don't think I've been myself since before July 21. That's sad isn't it. I even started to get freaked out again that I wasn't working hard enough on my writing. This was a good sign.
I slept through the night, and woke up not feeling anxious and not thinking about the red-haired guy and all the problems we were having. This was such a great feeling. I think the anxiety is still there, but at least it's not as strong as it used to be.
I've been dreaming a ton lately. I wonder if my anxiety stemmed from me not getting enough REM sleep, because I was so freaked about what's his face and kept waking up every four hours. I read in an article once that if you don't get enough REM sleep and dream, then you get anxious.
Whatever. At least I feel healthy and more like my old self. It feels like everything is going to work out again in my life, and I haven't felt that way since I met red-haired guy back in late July. That's a long for me not feel joy, isn't it? He hasn't called, and I bless him every day for that. Maybe he did love me just enough to let me go in peace. That's what I'd like to think anyway. I'm starting to feel happy again, and hopefully it will continue. I'd like to go back to where I was just freaking about not writing and not everything else in my life. That would be nice, really nice.
I slept through the night, and woke up not feeling anxious and not thinking about the red-haired guy and all the problems we were having. This was such a great feeling. I think the anxiety is still there, but at least it's not as strong as it used to be.
I've been dreaming a ton lately. I wonder if my anxiety stemmed from me not getting enough REM sleep, because I was so freaked about what's his face and kept waking up every four hours. I read in an article once that if you don't get enough REM sleep and dream, then you get anxious.
Whatever. At least I feel healthy and more like my old self. It feels like everything is going to work out again in my life, and I haven't felt that way since I met red-haired guy back in late July. That's a long for me not feel joy, isn't it? He hasn't called, and I bless him every day for that. Maybe he did love me just enough to let me go in peace. That's what I'd like to think anyway. I'm starting to feel happy again, and hopefully it will continue. I'd like to go back to where I was just freaking about not writing and not everything else in my life. That would be nice, really nice.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
And here's my update for this week on the www.sfist.com website. This week's update even had people commenting. People feeling schadenfreude for yours truly, my cynical self says. But my sweet self is so touched by all the words of encouragement by total strangers. Isn't it sad that totally random strangers can be so sympathetic, whilst the people who we think should love us don't care?
The Glory of Words.
On the dating front, I finally ended it hopefully for the final and last time with the red-haired boy on Wednedsay November 17. I'm going on 7 days with no contact from him (this is a long time for us), so hopefully he took it to heart when I told him "I hope that you love me enough to let me go and not call." Well that and I also told him that if he starts calling again and bugging me, my cell phone company said they could change my cell number in an hour and I'd still get a 415 area code number.
The boy was just stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to break up with him on October 1, and I don't think I was really ready to end it anyway. It was an impulsive break up on my part. But six weeks have passed since then and things weren't getting any better and in fact, they were getting really boring. My experience with him in LA didn't help either, and he thought LA sucked as well.
So I just cut the chord and yes it did sting, but surprisingly it didn't hurt too much. But I've been trying to end it since October 1, so maybe I've already experienced all the hurt I was going to feel. Whenever I think of him, it feels like it's out habit more than out of any real feeling. I don't even think I ever loved him, but I guess when I said it I did at the time.
He's definitely the first guy in my life that I'm hoping I never get back together with, which is so strange because I've always wanted to get back with guys I've been in relationships with. I never thought I'd ever date a guy I wouldn't want to date again just a little bit, but I guess there's a first time for every experience. It's not that I hate him or anything like that. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm just so over the whole thing with him big time, like really big time.
The Glory of Words.
On the dating front, I finally ended it hopefully for the final and last time with the red-haired boy on Wednedsay November 17. I'm going on 7 days with no contact from him (this is a long time for us), so hopefully he took it to heart when I told him "I hope that you love me enough to let me go and not call." Well that and I also told him that if he starts calling again and bugging me, my cell phone company said they could change my cell number in an hour and I'd still get a 415 area code number.
The boy was just stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to break up with him on October 1, and I don't think I was really ready to end it anyway. It was an impulsive break up on my part. But six weeks have passed since then and things weren't getting any better and in fact, they were getting really boring. My experience with him in LA didn't help either, and he thought LA sucked as well.
So I just cut the chord and yes it did sting, but surprisingly it didn't hurt too much. But I've been trying to end it since October 1, so maybe I've already experienced all the hurt I was going to feel. Whenever I think of him, it feels like it's out habit more than out of any real feeling. I don't even think I ever loved him, but I guess when I said it I did at the time.
He's definitely the first guy in my life that I'm hoping I never get back together with, which is so strange because I've always wanted to get back with guys I've been in relationships with. I never thought I'd ever date a guy I wouldn't want to date again just a little bit, but I guess there's a first time for every experience. It's not that I hate him or anything like that. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm just so over the whole thing with him big time, like really big time.
So just because I've been under the weather, doesn't mean I haven't been writing or writing about writing.
I've been doing the weekly updates to the www.sfist.com website about my Nanawromo experience. Here's my update for November 15, 2004.
An Update on our Nanowrimo Writer.
I've been doing the weekly updates to the www.sfist.com website about my Nanawromo experience. Here's my update for November 15, 2004.
An Update on our Nanowrimo Writer.
So today is the first day I actually kind of feel like my old self. Thanks to the herbs from my monthly acupuncturist visit, my phlegmy flu is gone. It wasn't really a bad flu. I just had a sore throat, which made me cough a ton. But my body must have been fighting off something fierce because I was tired all the time but still unable to sleep due to all the coughing.
I don't know about you, but sleep is how I cure all my colds. If I can force myself to sleep, I know I'll get over any cold. My problem is I'm an insominiac and have been one for years, and I normally only get about 6 to 6.5 hours of sleep anyway. If I get less than six hours of sleep, my immune system starts to break down. If I get more than 6.5 hours of sleep, I get depressed and cranky. It's a bizarre delicate balancing system that I have to go through just to keep myself "normal".
I wish I was one of those people who could sleep longer. Sometimes when I do manage to sleep for 7-8 hours, I feel really good which must mean I should probably sleep more. But when I sleep for that long, my mind starts to freak out and I start thinking that I'm sleeping my life away and must be depressed or something. Then the cycle starts and I start to reexamine my life, and then boy do I get grumpy.
I don't know if I'm a type-A personality who has to constantly go around with their hair on fire and running from one crisis to the next, but if I'm not constantly on the go or doing something to the point of exhaustion then life feels like totally boring to me. And god forbid I should lead a boring mundane existence.
Many apologies for the lack of posting, but writing about my life on my blog was not very appealing. But not to worry. I'm getting healthier every day, and soon I'll be back ranting about my life again.
I don't know about you, but sleep is how I cure all my colds. If I can force myself to sleep, I know I'll get over any cold. My problem is I'm an insominiac and have been one for years, and I normally only get about 6 to 6.5 hours of sleep anyway. If I get less than six hours of sleep, my immune system starts to break down. If I get more than 6.5 hours of sleep, I get depressed and cranky. It's a bizarre delicate balancing system that I have to go through just to keep myself "normal".
I wish I was one of those people who could sleep longer. Sometimes when I do manage to sleep for 7-8 hours, I feel really good which must mean I should probably sleep more. But when I sleep for that long, my mind starts to freak out and I start thinking that I'm sleeping my life away and must be depressed or something. Then the cycle starts and I start to reexamine my life, and then boy do I get grumpy.
I don't know if I'm a type-A personality who has to constantly go around with their hair on fire and running from one crisis to the next, but if I'm not constantly on the go or doing something to the point of exhaustion then life feels like totally boring to me. And god forbid I should lead a boring mundane existence.
Many apologies for the lack of posting, but writing about my life on my blog was not very appealing. But not to worry. I'm getting healthier every day, and soon I'll be back ranting about my life again.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Add to my list of job duties:
Writer and creator of monthly senior management newsletter on trends in healthcare quality measurement.
I am doing way too much writing in my job.
Did I mention I wrote up two tutorials to be made into cd-roms for a couple of tools on the company website. I am also the reluctant writer of the website FAQs for my program.
Again, I repeat. I am doing way too much writing in my real job. Is this why I can't write in personal life?
Writer and creator of monthly senior management newsletter on trends in healthcare quality measurement.
I am doing way too much writing in my job.
Did I mention I wrote up two tutorials to be made into cd-roms for a couple of tools on the company website. I am also the reluctant writer of the website FAQs for my program.
Again, I repeat. I am doing way too much writing in my real job. Is this why I can't write in personal life?
Friday, November 12, 2004
I've had a slight infection in my lungs since Monday. It's one of the hazards of travelling, 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and meeting lots of new people in a different city.
I noticed it on Monday morning when I woke up and my throat was very dry, and by that eveving it became progressively worse. It's not a full blown cold yet because I've been able to fight it off, but it's been zapping my energy so I'm not writing much and trying to sleep.
If I could just sleep for 8 hours straight and not wake up, I know I'd heal myself. But my anxiety is back up and so I sleep fitfully and keep waking up. Not the best healing condition for a infection that's just waiting to turn into a cold or the flu.
I think I'll spend the weekend at home, trying to get caught up with my writing and working on my film history paper that is due next Thursday; in between movie watching of course. It's time like these I'm glad I'm not in a full blown relationship, and I can schedule my time all for myself and what I need to do. I don't know what guy would put up with my schedule demands.
I noticed it on Monday morning when I woke up and my throat was very dry, and by that eveving it became progressively worse. It's not a full blown cold yet because I've been able to fight it off, but it's been zapping my energy so I'm not writing much and trying to sleep.
If I could just sleep for 8 hours straight and not wake up, I know I'd heal myself. But my anxiety is back up and so I sleep fitfully and keep waking up. Not the best healing condition for a infection that's just waiting to turn into a cold or the flu.
I think I'll spend the weekend at home, trying to get caught up with my writing and working on my film history paper that is due next Thursday; in between movie watching of course. It's time like these I'm glad I'm not in a full blown relationship, and I can schedule my time all for myself and what I need to do. I don't know what guy would put up with my schedule demands.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Memo to self:
Do not invite the current man you are seeing to next year’s screenwriting expo on Sunday night. Two weeks before, I know it sounded like a great idea, but it so wasn’t. We’re talking like an epic style disaster in the making. Just don’t do it.
The screenwriting expo is an escape into the Hollywood/Los Angeles reality of maybe, just maybe I’ll write that one screenplay that the studio executives will love and I’ll make wads and wads of money.
Never mind that Hollywood studio execs are fearful of losing their jobs and being the one to greenlight the next ‘Ishtar’ or ‘Waterworld’. Never mind that Hollywood studio execs are trolling thru the Japanese cinema to remake the next runaway Japanese horror flick adaptation. Never mind that the Southeast Asian market is starting to become exceedingly more profitable than the US market, and those audiences want ‘blood, blood and more blood’, which means Hollywood studio execs want ‘blood, blood, and more blood.’
But wait a minute … there are screenwriters out there who’ve made it. There are screenwriting experts galore who for three days teach you the screenwriting secret mantra, ‘Good characters and story still sell in Hollywood.’
But on Sunday night when you’re exhausted from:
1) having supershuttle pick you up at god awful hour so you could make the 6:30 am flight to LAX, then being in seminars from 1 pmm to 8:30 pm on Friday not to mention being up till 1:30 am chatting with the cute guy who says he’s optioned two films and is a budding Hollywood producer (everyone at the expo was a budding Hollywood producer), and marveling at the amazing gene pool of men who are at the party because Hollywood is always full of pretty people.
2) Waking up on Saturday at 6 am to iron your clothes for the next two days, then going on a run around the LA Convention Center at 6:30 am because all that great mexican beer you drank the night before made you feel fat and you’re afraid of not fitting into your clothes, then attending seminars from 8 am to 8:30 pm and then partying at the Networking party and wondering how much you need to speak to on the guys who wrote Shrek, and then ending up at another bar and chowing down on Domino’s pizza because it’s the only pizza place open in downtown LA that will deliver and getting to bed at 2 am.
3) And then finally it’s Sunday and you’ve slept in till 7 am and attended seminars from 10 am to 1:30 pm and attended the closing ceremony exhausted but happy that you came and swearing to yourself that you’ll get your writing act together and finish that screenplay and write three new screenplays to pitch at next year’s expo.
It’s like so anti-climatic to see someone from your 'normal real world' show up to take you to dinner, and all you can talk about is all the guys you’ve met, and how cute Aaron Sorkin is. And your guy looks at you like he doesn’t really quite like you right now and you feel guilty as hell that you’re talking about other guys, and mad as hell at yourself for even inviting him.
And then you end up flying back home on Monday morning and crying from sheer exhaustion and misery at 7 pm as you check your 80 plus personal email messages because now you’re thinking it’s totally over between you and your current guy, never mind that you’ve been trying to break up with him since October 1 and he doesn’t deserve any of your attention anyway.
Having your fantasy/dream worlds and real worlds collide like that on a Sunday night at 7 pm in Los Angeles in close proximity to Hollywood, maker of fantasy/dream worlds, is just such a bummer, a huge, huge bummer.
Do not invite the current man you are seeing to next year’s screenwriting expo on Sunday night. Two weeks before, I know it sounded like a great idea, but it so wasn’t. We’re talking like an epic style disaster in the making. Just don’t do it.
The screenwriting expo is an escape into the Hollywood/Los Angeles reality of maybe, just maybe I’ll write that one screenplay that the studio executives will love and I’ll make wads and wads of money.
Never mind that Hollywood studio execs are fearful of losing their jobs and being the one to greenlight the next ‘Ishtar’ or ‘Waterworld’. Never mind that Hollywood studio execs are trolling thru the Japanese cinema to remake the next runaway Japanese horror flick adaptation. Never mind that the Southeast Asian market is starting to become exceedingly more profitable than the US market, and those audiences want ‘blood, blood and more blood’, which means Hollywood studio execs want ‘blood, blood, and more blood.’
But wait a minute … there are screenwriters out there who’ve made it. There are screenwriting experts galore who for three days teach you the screenwriting secret mantra, ‘Good characters and story still sell in Hollywood.’
But on Sunday night when you’re exhausted from:
1) having supershuttle pick you up at god awful hour so you could make the 6:30 am flight to LAX, then being in seminars from 1 pmm to 8:30 pm on Friday not to mention being up till 1:30 am chatting with the cute guy who says he’s optioned two films and is a budding Hollywood producer (everyone at the expo was a budding Hollywood producer), and marveling at the amazing gene pool of men who are at the party because Hollywood is always full of pretty people.
2) Waking up on Saturday at 6 am to iron your clothes for the next two days, then going on a run around the LA Convention Center at 6:30 am because all that great mexican beer you drank the night before made you feel fat and you’re afraid of not fitting into your clothes, then attending seminars from 8 am to 8:30 pm and then partying at the Networking party and wondering how much you need to speak to on the guys who wrote Shrek, and then ending up at another bar and chowing down on Domino’s pizza because it’s the only pizza place open in downtown LA that will deliver and getting to bed at 2 am.
3) And then finally it’s Sunday and you’ve slept in till 7 am and attended seminars from 10 am to 1:30 pm and attended the closing ceremony exhausted but happy that you came and swearing to yourself that you’ll get your writing act together and finish that screenplay and write three new screenplays to pitch at next year’s expo.
It’s like so anti-climatic to see someone from your 'normal real world' show up to take you to dinner, and all you can talk about is all the guys you’ve met, and how cute Aaron Sorkin is. And your guy looks at you like he doesn’t really quite like you right now and you feel guilty as hell that you’re talking about other guys, and mad as hell at yourself for even inviting him.
And then you end up flying back home on Monday morning and crying from sheer exhaustion and misery at 7 pm as you check your 80 plus personal email messages because now you’re thinking it’s totally over between you and your current guy, never mind that you’ve been trying to break up with him since October 1 and he doesn’t deserve any of your attention anyway.
Having your fantasy/dream worlds and real worlds collide like that on a Sunday night at 7 pm in Los Angeles in close proximity to Hollywood, maker of fantasy/dream worlds, is just such a bummer, a huge, huge bummer.
So my friend Jon got me a gig for the month of November as a guest columnist on the SFist.com website, doing updates on my Nanowrimo progress.
Check the link out: SFist writes about Nanowrimo.
I am "Brenda" friend of SFist. Thanks for the gig, Jon.
Check the link out: SFist writes about Nanowrimo.
I am "Brenda" friend of SFist. Thanks for the gig, Jon.
Back from my weekend in LA at the screenwritng conference. I'll blog more about it later. Interesting to note. In LA, my anxiety completeley disappeared. Now it's Tuesday morning at work, and my anxiety is back in full force and I can't feel my teeth.
Yes, LA is truly an escape from reality. Too bad it's too difficult to live and stay there.
Yes, LA is truly an escape from reality. Too bad it's too difficult to live and stay there.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
I tried to post yesterday, but blogger was so slow. Everyone and their mother was blogging about election yesterday it seems. And in the midst of it all, I've been doing the National Novel Writing Month marathon again.
Here's a brief summary of my new novel.
My Nanowrimo novel title: Changing Timelines
The time is 35 years into the future. The world is on the brink of war, and a naïve scientist has sold to the US government the ultimate doomsday bomb, as a first strike mutual deterrence weapon. Tensions are high as the rest of the world feverishly races to arm themselves. His wife Tatsinda must travel back in time with the help of her husband’s greatest adversary to prevent the start of his research project which started when they were first dating. What’s at stake is the future of the world and future of her marriage with her beloved husband? Can she prevent him from starting work on his doomsday weapon without if affecting their relationship and eventual marriage? Will her attraction to her husband’s former best friend and greatest enemy in the future affect their relationship in the past? Can you change events in the past to affect the future? Can you change the timelines, or are some timelines, some loves, some relationships unalterable?
I have chapter titles as well. Mostly I use them as a trigger to let me know what needs to happen in each chapter and where in the plot I'm supposed to be. I have a plot and I know how it's going to end, I just don't know what my characters do to get there. I guess I'll have to write and find out.
Chapter 1 – What you love, you must now destroy
Chapter 2 – Love thy enemy
Chapter 3 – Every love has a beginning, every destruction a seed
Chapter 4 – Hate is the opposite of love
Chapter 5 – To love is a choice
Chapter 6 – Choice is sometimes a loop
Chapter 7 – Rewriting history isn’t what you think
Chapter 8 – The past affects the future, the future affects the past
Chapter 9 – A heart breaks across time and space
Chapter 10 – Some things can’t be altered
Chapter 11 – Two loves can’t exist in the same time and space
Chapter 12 – Sometimes love is almost too permanent.
I'm writing in third person instead of first, and I'm not used to writing from that point of view and it's hard.
So why the name Tatsinda? A friend from highschool told me she wanted to name her daughter that name. I have no idea where she got the name, but it's been stuck in my head since my teens. That friend went on college at Stanford; her father, brother and sister went to school there as well. I have no idea where she is now.
Here's a brief summary of my new novel.
My Nanowrimo novel title: Changing Timelines
The time is 35 years into the future. The world is on the brink of war, and a naïve scientist has sold to the US government the ultimate doomsday bomb, as a first strike mutual deterrence weapon. Tensions are high as the rest of the world feverishly races to arm themselves. His wife Tatsinda must travel back in time with the help of her husband’s greatest adversary to prevent the start of his research project which started when they were first dating. What’s at stake is the future of the world and future of her marriage with her beloved husband? Can she prevent him from starting work on his doomsday weapon without if affecting their relationship and eventual marriage? Will her attraction to her husband’s former best friend and greatest enemy in the future affect their relationship in the past? Can you change events in the past to affect the future? Can you change the timelines, or are some timelines, some loves, some relationships unalterable?
I have chapter titles as well. Mostly I use them as a trigger to let me know what needs to happen in each chapter and where in the plot I'm supposed to be. I have a plot and I know how it's going to end, I just don't know what my characters do to get there. I guess I'll have to write and find out.
Chapter 1 – What you love, you must now destroy
Chapter 2 – Love thy enemy
Chapter 3 – Every love has a beginning, every destruction a seed
Chapter 4 – Hate is the opposite of love
Chapter 5 – To love is a choice
Chapter 6 – Choice is sometimes a loop
Chapter 7 – Rewriting history isn’t what you think
Chapter 8 – The past affects the future, the future affects the past
Chapter 9 – A heart breaks across time and space
Chapter 10 – Some things can’t be altered
Chapter 11 – Two loves can’t exist in the same time and space
Chapter 12 – Sometimes love is almost too permanent.
I'm writing in third person instead of first, and I'm not used to writing from that point of view and it's hard.
So why the name Tatsinda? A friend from highschool told me she wanted to name her daughter that name. I have no idea where she got the name, but it's been stuck in my head since my teens. That friend went on college at Stanford; her father, brother and sister went to school there as well. I have no idea where she is now.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
So the Shrubmeister won and I'm saddened, but definitely not surprised. I've been predicting it all along, but just because I'm an very amateurish political analyst doesn't mean I like the results I come up with.
What amazes me is the level of surprise in the media. I mean, is anyone really that surprised by the results of the presidential election, the senate races and the House of Reps? Hey, but I guess incredulity sells newspapers and tv time doesn't it?
What amazes me is the level of surprise in the media. I mean, is anyone really that surprised by the results of the presidential election, the senate races and the House of Reps? Hey, but I guess incredulity sells newspapers and tv time doesn't it?
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