I'm blogging from the Starfbombs on 19th Avenue and surfing on someone's unsecured network. What a trip. This is the first time I've piggybacked on someone else's free connection. I'm working on that screenplay that I can't seem to finish, although I made a plan last night to finish it by the end of the month so I can enter it into a screenplay contest.

I just finished writing two scenes. To tell you the truth, I really dislike this screenplay. It kind of sucks and needs a serious rewrite, but Peter Z my writing teacher at UC Berkeley Extension told my writing class to always finish writing pieces because 1) it's good practice to finish what you're written and started and 2) it's psychologically healthy to finish your wriitng pieces rather than abandon them, no matter how they suck.

God, but is this screenplay just really really bad or what? Oh well. There are some good scenes and the plot is good; it just needs some serious tightening up.

M-Square is in a much better mood these days. Things at work have gotten a little better and I can tell he's doing better. Probably not today though since it's raining like heck where he is, and there are power issues in Orange County. M-Square is like Mr. Responsible so I'm sure he's freaking out about having power shortages at his company. I'm not sure if they even have processes in place to backup their computer systems in case of a power failure, since it's a small business.

I called him today because I had the feeling he wasn't doing so hot, and when I asked him if he was okay, he said no, and then said he would call me later. He did not sound very happy at all.

I keep getting the feeling that he's worried about us, about losing me. I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere or seeing anyone else right now, or even interested in meeting someone else, but hey, if something better came along I think I'd have to check it out. That's a bad attitude huh, but I'm like a practical girl. M-Square is 95% perfect, but I meet someone who is 90% perfect and lived locally then I'd be interested. Besides, why would the universe put another Mr. Perfect who lived locally in my path if it didn't mean something.

M-Square and I have an agreement to tell each other if we have sex with someone else, knowing full well that such an act would probably end the relationship. But if I met Mr. Better than M-Square then well I thihk it's meant to be.

I'm not sure how that would be possible for me to meet anyone else because I know if I ever did that, it would feel like such a betrayal to M-Square and that it would hurt him a ton. But, I'm also a big believer in destiny and fate and things happening for a reason.

Oh well! So much for yesterday's post. I received a call for another interview for Friday with the same company, same building, but different floor and different department. I asked my friend at work about it and she said I should go on the interview because she had heard good things about the department. I thought for sure she was going to say no, but she said she to do it.

As much as I see myself moving to Southern California next year, I need to keep options open. Another friend who has great intuition told me last night she saw me working in LA, but she couldn't see when. I don't want to feel like my life is on hold until M-Square and I decide that I need to move down there. I think if God meant me to move down there and be with him, then things will happen whether I want them to or not to make me move down there.

In the meantime, if a good job offer with more money comes my way I'm defintely going to take it. It never hurts to make more money. Plus a new job would give me more variety to add to my resume. I am so not learning anything new at my current job anymore. Plus from what I'm hearing in the rumor mill, revenue is going to be flat for my company next year and it's going to be about continually cutting back which isn't going to make for a good work enviroment. I also have the feeling that if things don't turn around, they're going to have to serious job cutting and since I'm not that well like by the head of my group I'm sure I'll be the first to get the boot.

A friend says I should stick around so I can go on unemployment, but I prefer to be gainfully employed. I like having money, what can I say? I'm only just starting to have some serious savings and I don't want that trend to stop. Besides, I've got to save money if I am moving to SoCal next year anyway for moving expenses.

So that Thursday interview didn't go well at all and I received a message on Friday that they weren't going to go forward with a second interview. I took Friday off as well so I didn't pick the message up till today. I was very bummed until I spoke to a woman who I remembered worked for this company. I took her out for coffee this afternoon, and she told me horror stories about the group I interviewed with.

I even showed her the names of the people and projects they sent me and she said "I had dodged a bullit because those people were insane." I probably would have taken the job because I so desperately want to get out of my job. I really trust this woman at work. We have become good friends and we have many of the same interests in common. She is also a writer, a really, really good writer! The woman can write circles around me, so I really respect her opinion.

So now I'm rethinking whether I even want to keep applying for jobs at this company. The woman at work who used to work there says she knows a ton of people there and they're all very unhappy and trying to get out. Wow! Our conversation was so eye-opening. She said the company where we're at now is heaven compared to that hell-hole.

I felt so relieved talking to my friend at work this afternoon because I interview very well, and I didn't know why I was struggling with this interview. C, the woman I had coffee with this afternoon, said it was my guardian angels making sure I didn't get the job. Cute huh?

I think I'm going to have rethink my job search. I mean, if I'm moving sometime next year hopefully to Southern California to be with M-Square, does it even make sense to get a new job. I was thinking that if I got a job with a company that had offices in Southern California, I could transfer. But now that I think about it, most companies probably want you to be with them for awhile before they let you move like maybe six months to a year. Do I really want to wait that long to move? Wouldn't it be easier to just move down there and then job hunt?

There are just so many things up in the air right now. I spoke to another friend tonight and she had an intuition while I was talking to her on the phone that she saw me working in Southern California next year. Interesting huh?

Well, the universe has put up road blocks in my job search. I'm like one of those people who never has a problem geting a job, even in a bad economy, so I think I need to rethink what I'm doing. My job isn't that bad. It's not the best, but I do have the freedom to leave at the end of the day and focus on other things. I love my boss and the work is relatively easy. And yes, there are issues and personality conflicts but as I was told this afternoon by my work friend, there are always going to be issues at every job.

And now I'm wondering if all this job stuff is just another way I have of distracting myself from focusing on my writing. It's been months since I wrote. With my job going south and then things happening with M-Square, writing has been the farthest thing from my mind. And when I don't write, I know I start to get really, really unhappy.

My mind is all jumbled right now. I really need to regroup, rethink, and restrategize what is going on with my life. I think at this point in the past, I would have blamed the guy I was dating for my unhappiness and dumped him first just to clear the decks. But no way am I doing that with M-Square although it's tempting only because it's my modus operandi.

I think for now I'm going to stay in my current job, but maybe mix it up a bit like going to work earlier and leaving earlier. Sometimes even a little change in your work routine will do wonders for a job. I'm also going to write every day. I'm going to do Nanowrimo in November so I might as well start practicing writing every day. My intuition tells me if I just start focusing on my writing, everything usually works better for me. It's always worked that way in the past, so let's see if history repeats itself.

I had my interview yesterday and it made me remember why I hate interviews. I can't tell whether I did well or not, and I hate that feeling. That group has a ton of openings, and the interview I had yesterday was just a screening interview. I don't even know if I'll make it past the screening. Oh well.

I just applied for two more jobs at the same company. I like the location a lot. The commute will be an hour but it's near Lake Merritt and my gym is right there.

I don't even know why I'm even looking for a job. Part of me just wants to stay at my current job until I decide that I need to move down to SoCal to be with M-Square and then just look for a job down there. But the other part is just plain fed up with my current job and it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to even go to work.

What's really sad is that the woman at work whom I don't get along with has such a bad reputation in the company now. I was in a meeting a couple of weeks ago and people sniggered when her name was mentioned. That's a bad sign isn't it? Even the relatively new guy laughed about her. You get the feeling that everyone thinks she's a piece of work, and she is. Even the newest person in group whom I walk with twice a week has heard she's a terrible manager. Boy, when you've got a bad rep in a company word spreads fast even among the newbies.

I know there's a better job for me out there somewhere. I just have to find it. I think I got spoiled because the current job I have was so easy to get. But now that I've been in the job I can see why it's had such a high turnover rate. They have to really careful about who they hire because there a nut jobs running the department.

I've been driving myself nuts searching thru iTunes for this song I used to really like. I thought if I looked at iMixes I would instantly spot it, but that was a bad idea. Finally tonight the song lyrics came back to me and the song was "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies, which I googled and found. When I finally typed the song name into iTunes, it didn't make into anyone's iMixes yet. I must be the only person in the country who liked this song, still remembered it and then spent two days trying to find it. But I'm excited I have it, although as I listen to it now I'm not quite sure why I liked it so much.

New songs bought from i-Tunes:

A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan
A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Joan Baez
Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground – Willie Nelson (M-Square is my angel)
California Dreamin' – The Mamas and the Papas
Dedicated to the One I Love – The Mamas and the Papas
Monday, Monday – The Mamas and the Papas

So because I'm a glutton for punishment, I signed up to Nanowrimo for 2005 even though I didn't my 50,000 word novel last year. I don't know if I want to start a new novel, which you're supposed to do or try to finish one of the unfinished ones.

Oh, psychological angst of my unfinished novel pile not to mention my short but still still unfinished short story stack! Boohooo, boohooo, boohooo!

Saturday was busy! Finally after two months, my acupuncturist tells me it looks like I've lost some weight. He was very happy, but told me I need to lose more. At least he noticed which pleased me immensely!

Then I went to my hair guy to get a haircut. My hair was getting too long and it was starting to look straggly and I was thinking I was looking like a little too witchy with my fried ends or stuck in some hippie chick timewarp. My hair guy is so great! He is outrageously expensive, but he is worth every penny. He took about a couple of inches off my hair, and layered my hair so it doesn't look too heavy. Too much hair I think weights my face down. He knows I like to put my hair in a pony tail, so he tries to make sure that when it's all bound up like that my tail looks straight and even and not uneven. I love my new cut. My hair feels lighter and more managable, even though it's still long.

Then I asked the girls at the front desk if the salon did waxing. My brows and lips were practically frightful! They said no but gave me a business card to the place they all go to, which just so happened to be down the street.

What a gerat recommendation! The woman was great and my browns look amazing. She also did my lips and got all the hair off fairly quickly. She also does facials and said if I come in for a facial, she'll do my face waxing for free. She costs twice as much as what I normally pay, but I was very impressed by how fast and efficent she was and how she got my brows to arch a little more. There were women in the salon paying for $200 worth of beauty treatments, which made my jaw drop. What are these girls paying for? Sure, they looked great but $200 worth of treatments? They must have had full-on body waxing like legs, bikini line, back, brows, lips, back, you name it. I hope they didn't pay for underarm waxing because it's so not worth it. The hair grows back in like 4-5 days, and you feel so cheated because it hurts and it's not cheap.

Then for whatever reason, I headed down to the Ghiradelli Square to watch the Blue Angels show. I haven't seen a show in years, and it was to watch them again. Everyone was saying there were going to be a million people watching the show over the weekend, and it sure felt like it. I walked from Union Square to Ghiradelli Square along the Embardero and it was packed. I found a spot at the center stage and sat on the pavement next to this couple that were doing the same.

The show was supposed to start around 3 pm, but an announcement was mnade that some idiot had too many margaritas and fell off a boat in the bay and the coast guard was doing a search and rescue. And I'm like, they should have just let the fool drown. It was pretty funny though hearing the announcer trying to fill in the time and interview like totally boring official types.

When the show finally started, there was 15 minutes of some huge airplanethey call "Fat Albert" and people were getting restless, like "come on show us the real stuff!" When the Blue Angels finally appeared the crowd's mood seemed visisbly lightened. I don't remember ever hearing this before, but they were played some really good tunes during the show.

The most memorable song I remember was that song from "Top Gun" called "The Danger Zone". That was cool because as soon as that song came on, I started flashing on that movie. I'm sure everyone was doing the same thing.

Getting home was a nightmare. I hadn't eaten lunch and was there from 2-4:30 pm, so I stood in a long line at In and Out Burger and bought a burger, fries and a chocolate shake. I was totally starving and my weight watchers diet went out the window. Then I tried to take a bus home, which took forever. I think it took me two hours to get home.

I was tired and didn't want to walk back downtown, so I took a bus which was horrid. The traffic to get out the Fisherman's Wharf area was congested and Van Ness was so slow. ANd I could tell I was tired and not thinking straight because I couldn't figure out which bus to take. The easist thing would have been to catch the 30 stockton right outisde of Ghiradelli Square and then hop on the 28 home. But made my life hell and first waited for a 47 to go downtown. Then after waiting 20 minutes for a bus which was a block away becuase the traffic was so backed up, I decided to take a 47 in the opposite direction to get the Van Ness Station. It didn't hit me until I was 30 minutes on the 47 and seeing a couple of 30 Stockton buses go by that I should take a 30 Stockton because Van Ness was going to be as backed up as the Embarcadero. What a nightmare. Once the 30 Stockton turned off of Van Ness it moved pretty quicky and in was home in half an hour.

I saw this article last week from the Guaurdan UK, "Top 10 Sci-Fi Films. Supposedly all these scientists came up with this list. Okay, like "Blade Runner" is a great movie but does it really rate being number one? I have friends who have told me "Blade Runner" is on their top 10 favorite movie list of all time. They all like that ending line which goes something like "And who lives forever" or something like that.

At least The Matrix made the list, and yes one of the Star Wars, and I think the movie that should have been number one, "2001 Space Odyssey", but which came in at numnber two.

Good news today! One of the places I sent my resume to called for a job interview. That's not bad huh? I applied to four jobs and two called back now for interviews. I interview next Thursday on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

I probably shouldn't be interviewing on one of the highest holy day of the jewish calendar, but it felt like a good day. The woman I spoke to and I were laughing about it. I said I know it's an important holiday because it's on my calendar but I'd forgotten what it was about, and she said she wanted to write on my application, "good sense of humor". Cute huh?

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't fly down to the OC to be with M-Square. This company has lots of offices in Southern California, so if I move down there next year hopefully I'll be able to transfer within the same company and already have a job if and when I move.

My poor M-Square. When I tune into him I keep getting the feeling that he's so afraid of losing me. I couldn't keep the hurt and disappointment out of my voice yesterday when he told me not to fly down. But it's all good. I even started remembering how easy it was to fall in love with him those two months before we met, and how meeting him just cemented my feelings.

I had this whole fantasy that we would like have a porno-type love fest in the car in the parking garage at LACMA when we got to the King Tut exhibit, or we would find some deserted spot in the exhibit and have a quickie. What a laugh! King Tut was like totally packed and we ended up parking outside. But M-Square must have had the same idea or else he picked up on thoughts because at some point while I was getting stuff out of the backseat of the care I was on all fours and he asked me "are you assuming the position?" So funny.

Then at the King Tut Exhibit he sent me desire vibes which freaked me out because meeting him after two months was just so weird. Plus he was doing the typical guy thing and totally finding any excuse to put his hands on my body, something I normally can't stand but with him it was fun and very, very erotic. And then when we walked down to the beach from his place to watch the sunset, he held my hand going down the stairs and I was like "Ahhhhh, just like in the love movies." And then I spoiled the moment by stepping in the dog pooh, and then I started freaking out because I was afraid of ruining my shoes.

And then our final goodbye kisses were so hot! From our goodbye kiss I finally understood that phrase "they kissed like lovers on the edge of a void" ...such good memories!

I hope this job pays more than what I'm making because it will cost me about $150 to commute to work now instead of the $45 I pay now. I really, really like this company that I will be interviewing with. There are doing well and they have about 30-40% of the California health insurance market. I asked a really, really good friend of mine who is a pediatric nurse about this company, and she said the company is doing some great things. My ex-boss from two jobs ago also works for the company but not at their corporate office.

I'm also looking forward to getting my PCP and OBGYN back as well, since they are with this company. I can't see them now because of the way health insurance works in this state, but if I get the job I'll have access.

M-Square and I had a huge fight this week. He's going through a really hard time at work and being very non-communicative. I was supposed to fly down to see him on Septemer 24, but he was going to work that weekend. And then I wanted to fly down next week to see him but he's just way too stressed from work and other things going on his life.

I was so pissed at him. He says I leave him too many voicemails and it's like he's talking to me so he doesn't feel like calling. Then when I finally talk to him he's like so stressed out and says I'll call you back and never does. The boy is just so wiped out every day. He's hired three new employees and training new people is very stressful to him. He said the new people never show up for work on time and it pisses him off.

I stopped calling him at work because I knew he was training new people, so I don't get to talk to him during the day. Lack of communication just totally freaks me out. I think he's also having a hard time with the owner of the company, who brought M-Square in to take the company international. But it's hard I think for an owner who's had his own business for 30 years to all of a sudden bring in another person and expect to give up control, even if the new person is a long time friend of his. His boss wants do two seminars as well and wants M-Square to help him do it. He said something about maybe doing the seminars in New York and Florida.

M-Square has a degree in physics and can explain the science of the products they're selling. He's been a pharma rep before, and taught seminars to doctors on drugs so he's good at leading seminars. But this is a new field for him and it's a totally different thing than getting docs to use and buy drugs.

So my baby boy is all stressed out and says he feels pressured by me and I just about lost it on Tuesday and was so ready to break up with him. I called him on Tuesday after not hearing from him for a whole week and he said something like "didn't I tell you that?" and I just got riled and didn't know why. When I finally figured it on Wednesday, it was pretty silly.

I got mad because I hadn't heard from him for a week and then we he said he'd told me something already it was like "who the hell are you talking to, what woman has my exact same voice that you think you are talking to me?" I was jealous and didn't even know it. Then I had to call him back and grovel and beg for forgiveness.

I know the guy isn't seeing anyone else. I just hate that he doesn't call enough and he hates that I leave too many voicemails. Then he said that I don't give him a chance to call me. I felt bad when he said that because other guys have said this to me before.

I finally figured it out that he was thinking I didn't trust him enough to call me and it was really getting to him. He gets enough of that "no trust" stuff at work and now he has to deal with it with me. But I spoke to him and we made up and then I was happy again. He just needs his space because he's so stressed at work, and I think I was focusing too much on him and not enough on my own life.

I've stopped writing and I've stopped job hunting. I was becoming way to co-dependent and not being the independent person I normally am. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but at least I got it now and we're still together.

I'm just happy we're still together, but disappointed that I can't see him. With all the work stress he's under, it's taking a toll on his health and he can't sleep and he's not eating right. He says he comes home and tries to read but can't relax and totally does not feel like talkking to anyone. I so know what he's going through. Work stress is really, really difficult. He says he misses me terribly and he's afraid of losing me, and I guess me wanting to break it off just doesn't help things much. He says he's under a lot of pressure at work and having me stress on him is another pressure-stressor in his life.

My poor boy! He always sounds so exhausted and whiny when I talk to him. He doesn't want to be that way with me, but he says he can't help it. I think I just have to calm down and get back to my own life, because not writing and not job hunting is making me unhappy as well. I also stopped working out, which never, never helps.

I was amazed at how easy it was for me to become so co-dependent on him, which is unhealthy for me and for our relationship. I feel bad too because my total instinct is to mother him and make his pain go away, and I know I shouldn't do that. He's an adult and doesn't need me mothering him and care-taking him like that.

But this is hard because I want to see him and I can't. My idea of heaven would be to just lie in bed all day and have sex with him all weekend, but in his state of mind and health he said it probably wouldn't be very satsifying. I'm sure he has performance anxiety running through his head as well.

But at least we're still together and holding on, and that's the most important thing. Work stress can't last forever and hopefully soon he'll be better soon and I can fly down to see him. My therapist said I need to take things one day at a time with him and be in the moment with him until his work pressure eases off. She said work stress is everyone's number one stressor with relationship stress running a close seocnd, so he's got a double whammy with me in the picture.

Haven't posted for awhile ... but I've been busy!

There was a free bluegrass festival in Golden Gate park last weekend and I attended both days. I saw Joan Baez, which was sooo cool! Her voice still sounds great and she sang a Bob Dylan song called "A Hard Rain Gonna Fall, which was just amazing.

Then on the way home I stopped to watch Doc Watson, who sang the first country song ever recorded. I love old country music!

On Sunday, a few friends showed up and we saw The Austin Lounge Lizards, Dolly Parton, and listed to a couple songs by Ricky Skaggs! You haven't lived till you've sung "Me and Bobby McGee" and "Imagine" with Dolly. Dolly looks really great for her age. She wore a rhinestone covered turquoise dress and she kept saying how all her instruments were covered with rhinestones.

The bands didn't play long. It is a free concert after all, so most sets were about 45 minutes. Ricky Skaggs was amazing, and I saw guys dancing to his music. The park was filled with so many non-San Franciscans, with all the southern folk weearing clothing proclaiming which southern state they were from.

Dolly's buses had Tennessee license plates, which means she drove all the way here from there. That's a long way to come to play a free concert in foggy San Francisco.

On Sunday morning I did a 7K Bridge to Bridge Walk, which my company was sponsoring. They paid for all their employees race fees and we wore company t-shirts to the race. I walked with a fellow employee and did the 7K in about an hour an 10 minutes. There was also a 12K run at the same time.

It was a jam packed weekend and my body was so sore from the 7k walk and standing for about four hours and dancing at the free concert. But I had fun and there's nothing like a free concert. I don't think I would have paid to hear Dolly Parton, but now that I've seen her I think I would pay to hear a three hour with her. I would definitely pay money to see Ricky Skaggs again. Emmy Lou Harris also played on Sunday at the end, but by that time I was so beat I just wanted go home and take a hot bath.

Just to prove I'm not a total Dead head. I also downloaded "Last Resort" by Papa Roach, "Almost Blue" by Elvis Costello, "Hash Pipe" by Weezer, :Wild is the Wind" by Nina Simone, "You and Me" by Lighthouse, "Toxicity" by Disturbed, and "Numb" and "Aerials" by System of a Down.

i-Tunes is dangerous. I was bored on Sunday and bought seven, count them now, seven versions of "Scarlett Begonias, by the Grateful Dead. God only knows why I need seven different versions of the same song because although I like the Dead, I am so not a Dead Head but this is one of my favourite Dead songs.

Still, I didn't downloand a whole concert just so I could get an 11 minute version of my other favourite Dead song "Fire on the Mountain". I have such good memories of being at a Dead concert with a couple of friends the year before Jerry Garcia died. We were at at the Fillmore Stree Fair in Pacific Heights first and then drove to Mountain View to the Shoreline Amphitheatre smoking hippie lettuce the whole way.

We had really, really great seats because I got in line at 6 am to buy the tickets. We were fifteen rows up from the stage. I was with two friends, one was a recruiter for Silicon Valley firms and the other person was a shrink. We just sat, smoke tons more hippie lettuce and just danced.

The whole front section was practically empty and then "Fire on the Mountain" came on just was I was seriously stoned and peaking. It's such a great song to dance to when you're that high and flying.

I know I'm going to have break down and buy a whole concert one day just for that song so I can relive my Dead concert memories.

Yes, I am very serious about leaving the SF Bay Area to be with my man. God, I never thought I'd ever say that, but "love" or whatever I'm feeling right now for this guy is slowly changing me. I did decide a couple of years ago that I'd be willing to give up living in the City and County of San Francisco if I met a guy who didn't live in the City, but I didn't think I would ever be willing to move out of this area.

At least it's the Los Angeles area, and it's a city and I'd just be living in the suburbs of Los Angeles. That's not so bad considering I could have met a guy who lived outside of California. That would have been hard if I had to leave California and move to a state without a large metropolitan city.

M-Square is just really, really great. He's cute, he's way smarter than me, he gets me and we get along very, very well. Plus, he's just so spiritual. It's a combo that is hard to give up just because I don't want to leave San Francisco. In a perfect world I suppose, I would have preferred to meet someone who lived here but it didn't turn out that way. I like to think that the universe has a good reason for me to leave the SF Bay Area, and M-Square is my readily available ticket out of here.

And for whatever reason, it kind of does feel like it's time to leave this place. I'm not sure why, but I do get the feeling I need to live somewhere else. But you know, who knows. M-Square and I are just beginning our relationship and who knows what the future will bring, but I'm just happy that I'm not so stuck in my ways that I wouldn't contemplate making changes to be with a guy.

And love is definitely changing me weekly, daily, hourly. There are ideas I had about love that are just being shaken to its core with this guy. Like maybe it's okay sometimes to compromise when you're in love, and if you're really in love, compromise isn't such a bad thing and doesn't even feel compromise. Compromising feels more like being flexible and adjustable, and doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work and for both people to be happy and peaceful.

I mean, I've had thoughts about this guy that I've never had or if I did I don't remember having them. Like I want M-Square to be the person I look at and I want to hear his voice the moment before I die. How weird is that. He's the person I want to have around me as I leave this earth. And the thought of leaving him even in death just freaks me out and make me cry. I seriously do not want to lose this guy ever, and I guess right now I'm willing to do certain things to make sure that we're together for a long, long time.

I joined Weight Watchers at work because I can't control my eating and I've gained about 15-20 pounds since last year. With the new job and the bad breakup with red-haired guy, the pounds just started coming back.

I can only barely fit into my size 8 Tommy Hilfigger jeans, and this really freaks me out. My size 8 Ralph Laurens I can't even wear. At least I didn't gain all the weight I lost, but still. I've thrown out most of my smaller clothes, so I have no choice but lose weight again. It's amazing what five extra pounds can do the fit of your clothes. My clothes could handle a 10-15 pound weight gain, but not a 15-20 pound gain.

Today was the first day I really starting counting my points, and I'm amazed at how hungry I am. My body really got used to surviving on more calories. I've been working out, but I just couldn't get back into the rhythm of counting my calories. Oh well, sometimes you just have to try something different.

The WW group at work is on Mondays from 12 noon to 1 pm. The people are really nice, and there are a couple of people there I know from projects I've worked on. I like the leader of the group. She's a nice woman who has a passionate love affaire with potato chips, who has kept her weight off for 20 years.

Most of the WW group at work are seriously overweight women. I saw one woman who really doesn't look like she has a weight problem, but then again my therapist doesn't think I have a weight problem either. I did feel kind of weird walking into the group with my totally tight size 10 very short silk miniskirt, when most of the women there look like they're size 18 and up. It made me wonder what they thought of me.

The WW group at work reminds me of that fat farm/spa I went to in Utah. Most of the women there were really huge, and they just stared me and the other women there who were smaller. There were other women who were thinner than me and we were all in the same exercise group, so at least I wasn't the thinnest person there.

I just want my clothes to fit and look attractive for M-Square. I can't believe I'm having a quasi-boyfriend relationship at this weight. At least with the red-haired guy I felt attractive and thinner and my clothes pretty much fit. Now I'm with some guy whom I really, really like and I'm a blimpie. How ironic is that?

M-Square is great though and hasn't mentioned the extra weight. I told him I needed to lose some weight, and he said with us the physical stuff doesn't and shouldn't matter. But I think it does. The extra weight just does not make feel attractive. If he wasn't so positive about physical looks not being important, I don't think I could have been intimate with him.

But he's from Southern California where he's exposed to that whole Hollywood thin look, and I just don't want to feel and look like a whale when I'm with him. I know looks don't matter but it's affecting my self-esteem and will be impacting my pocket book if I have to buy bigger clothes, so I've got to take the weight off.

But boy am I not in the mood to eat less nor am I happy about having to watch what I eat agan. The leader of the WW group at work is right. I'm always going to have to be vigilant about my weight, and not use food to medicate my stress levels.

I wish I was at the 49er/Dallas game. I remember being at 49er games when they would announce the scores for Dallas games, and if Dallas lost the whole stadium would erupt in a cheer.

That was an exciting but disappointing Oakland/Philadelphia game. The Raiders almost pulled it out, but they lost the game on penalties and bad kicks by Janikowski. Too bad.

I haven't posted for awhile because it's been such a weird two weeks. But here's the news.

I decided M-Square and I should have a discussion about serial monogamy last week. We live in different cities and you know, I've been burnt in the past when I haven't had this kind of conversation. You can't assume that just because you've had sex with soemone that they're not going to have sex with someone else.

What I thought would be a five minute conversation, took like almost three hours. Talk about baggage on both of our parts. Geesh! M-Square was like so offended that I had to even have a conversation like this with him, and I got kind of pissed that he was offended. So then I had to tell him about the stupid boyfriend who was cheating on me because I didn't have this kind of discussion, and then I had to hear about his ex-wife who constantly accused him of having affaires when he wasn't.

After we spewed our respective stories, I laughed and told him this is what is called "baggage". He laughed too and we both agreed that we wouldn't date other people and if we did we would have to tell the other person. In the end, M-Square was happy that we had the conversation.

Honestly, the disucssion was so hard but I felt like I needed to have it. I'm not planning on seeing anyone else, but I wasn't sure about him. He said he's a one-woman man, a statement I've never heard from any guy before.

I'm not even sure why the no screwing around conversation was so difficult, because when I was visiting him over Labor Day we didn't have a problem discussing the future and whether he would move up here or I would move down there. That was a five-minute conversation with him saying "the Bay Area has great sports but he didn't think he could live up here because it's too cold." I told him that I had already thought about who should move and that I would be the one to move because he has a great job and one I think is his life purpose. I even told him that my main pre-req for a job is the company has to have an office in LA, so if and when I move down there I could stay with the same company.

I wouldn't mind living in Southern California. The weather is warm and M-Square and I would live in the OC, because he grew up in that area. He said we'd either live in Laguna Beach or Newport Beach or somewhere in that area. We wouldn't be in a city, but LA is only an hour drive away.

I think there's been a ton of weird energy since Saturday when the full moon came out. People at work have been really stressed and two people today said to me that all we do at work is put out fires and be in crisis mode. Too bad all this frenetic energy hasn't translated into market share and increased revenue.