Reader Beware! Delusional writing ahead ...

So like this is my blog, and I’m about to write about something that probably no one would ever understand unless you have these abilities. But this is only place I can vent about this kind of stuff. I used to have a friend who I could talk to about these things, because she had the same abilities only more developed than mine, but she died and now I have no one to talk to.

So I have some psychic abilities, and I’m very empathic. Remember that empath chick from a very early episode of Star Trek. She could pick up wounds from other people and heal them. Well, I kind of do the same thing only psychically. My abilities are not as developed as others, thank God, because that means I can function in the world.

I had a friend in college whose abilities were so developed she could just look at someone and see a vision of when they were going to die. When she was younger, she used to try to warn people not to do stuff that might get them killed. Sometimes they listened and sometimes they didn’t, and it got her in a ton of trouble. Most people completely fear someone who can see the future that clearly. She told me that she had to learn to turn it off, to stop absorbing vibrations from other people because it was just an awful experience which made her physically ill.

I have to be very careful of whom I associate with, because I cannot be around people who have a lot of anger in them or a lot of emotional stuff going on. It’s just too much for me to take, and I can easily get caught up in people’s traumas and dramas. My abilities aren’t developed enough to where I’m incapacitated by what I pick up, but I still pick stuff up constantly.

I couldn’t go near the Vietnam Memorial in DC when I first went to visit. There’s like a wall of pain surrounding whole place, and when I got within a 100 feet of it I started crying and feeling miserable. I probably couldn’t even get near the World Trade Center disaster without freaking out. There usually has to be a lot of pain around something for me to have a reaction, but sometimes when I leave myself too open, it doesn’t take very much to get me going.

I think love relationships are especially hard for me, because I’ll start psychically bonding with a guy right away. I’ll be able to pick up when they’re thinking about me, and I’ll start getting caught in their dramas. It’s so hard too in the beginning of any love relationship because it’s so natural to want to bond, to merge your being with the other person totally. But with me, the merging is more than bodies and emotions; it’s like the person is inside my head.

It’s so hard to explain. I can’t put into words what I feel because it happens at such a subtle level, and because my abilities aren’t developed enough to where I see visions it’s hard to describe. Most of the time, I can ignore it and not pay attention. But as I get older, I can’t ignore the abilities any longer. I don’t know if it’s because my defenses are more vulnerable or if it’s because my abilities are just increasing, but I am forced to pay attention when someone is literally in my space.

So like it’s happening with the red-haired guy, and he’s like showing up in my meditations and I feel so enmeshed with him. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s just no fun feeling other people’s feelings. I feel things that I know are not coming from me, but from someone else, and that’s the best way I can describe it because when I clear myself, I don’t have the same feelings anymore.

So I had to cut the psychic cording and ties with the red-haired guy last night. I just couldn’t take that he’s in my head. It’s not that I don’t like him there, but having him there just so drains my energy. Plus, we were getting into some weird kind of control drama with him and I needed to withdraw for my own sanity. I like him a ton, but I don’t want to get caught up in his stuff, his way of being.

I kind of feel bad that I did it, and I have to keep doing it because I can feel red-haired guy trying to rechord, reattach to me. It feels on some level that I’m betraying him, but I just can’t have my energy, my emotions so caught up with him. I need my space; I need my psychic and mental space back. I like this guy so much, and I don’t want to get to the point where I start to resent and hate him because he’s too much into my space. I’m starting to feel suffocated, resentful, and controlled. And besides that, he’s zapping whatever energy I have left at the end of my work day that I need for my writing. I need a lot of mental and psychic energy to write, and I don’t need someone draining it all away.

I feel like Virginia Woolf’s character, Mrs. Dalloway. I don’t want to be with someone who smothers me emotionally, and most of all psychically. Red-haired guy is so emotional, and he has a very strong dominating mind. It would be so easy for me to lose my self, my personality in him, and I just don’t want to do that. Because once I get lost, I have to get out and I really like this guy and right now I’d like him to be in my life for a long time.

Even as I write this, it all sounds so new-agey woowoo and weird. I just don’t know how to explain it any other way. I would never tell red-haired guy any of this because he’d probably freak out. But he did tell me himself that when he travels for business, he doesn’t like to stay in his hotel room because he doesn’t like the vibes in the room that are left by the other people who’ve stayed there. Still, it all sounds so delusional somehow.

My friend Amy would get exactly what I’m talking about, and it’s times like these I wish she was still alive so I could have someone to commiserate with me.