I've been fooling with my blog page trying to add better links for the archives. It's hard when you're like me and you have little or no knowledge of html, but there are some good posts in the help section on how to do things so I use those.

I had an earlier post but I lost it when I tried to publish it. A friend of mine who's a website genius, having been paid to design sites for JC Penneys, Penzoil and Michael's, told me that java script is unstable and I've been using java script to redo my archives. I think I fixed the problem but I'll have to test and find out.

My spiritual healer told me that you’re only attracted to someone who is either your soul mate or your soul partner. So which one is screenwriting guy I wonder. She said it’s good to be in a marriage with a soul partner but necessarily your soul mate, only because you'll have a lot of left over karmic issues to deal with. I guess now I just need to find out if screenwriting guy is a soul mate or soul partner. I guess it’s nice to know that if I’m very physically attracted to someone he is either a soul mate or soul partner. I didn’t know that before because they are very few men I'm really that attracted to.

I wonder how this explains an attraction to movie stars and rock stars and other celebrity types. Are you attracted to them because of seeing them all the time and therefore it's familiarity? Or are they really your soul mate or soul partner? It has to be the familiarity thing because so many people love these celebs. I love Keannu Reeves but only because he looks like guys I grew up with and well he is such a cutie. Then there's the Fiennes boys, Raffe and Joseph. They can have me any day. I would also add Russell Crowe, Nicholas Cage (he's so cute who cares that he's losing his hair), Tom Cruise only because of Top Gun and I'm sure there are few others but I can't think of them right now. Oh yeah, Val Kilmer because of The Saint.

So I submitted my blog to the eatonweb portal and they've got me listed under NEW blogs. Does this mean I'll get emails from people reading my blog or will my blog just go unnoticed due to lack of graphics and interesting written material? I don't think I care either way.

This is my online journal and although the thought of complete strangers and my friends for that matter reading about the way my brain works give me the majorly serious willies, there's something so cool about other people finding your life interesting enough to read about it. I can see you friends wanting to read it, although that's probably quite a stretch too, but strangers?

That poor dead bug outside my window caught in the spider web is really dead. I haven't seen him move all day. It's supposed to rain over the weekend so I'm hoping that the rain sweeps him away so I don't have to stare at this dead bug body whenever I look out of my window at work. Who knew that a spider's web could be so strong because this was a big bug?

I'm off to see The Lord of the Rings for the second time. Everyone said to see it twice because the first time you get so blown away that you can't concentrate on anything. I wonder if I'll like it as much the second time around. I rarely see a movie more than once in the theatre. If I have to see it over and over again, I wait till it comes out on video and I guess now DVD and buy it and then watch it nightly till I'm sick of it, which of course never happens. I think I've seen The Matrix over 10 times and I still so loooove this movie. But then again, I've seen the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice five times and I never grow tired of Elizabeth and Mr. D'Arcy.

For screenwriting class we have to see a movie as homework beside work on writing our screenplay and this week's movie is The Verdict. Last week's movie was Witness. I've never seen The Verdict. It's an old movie starring Paul Newman. It's got to be old right? When was the last time you saw Paul Newman in a movie? I was going to rent The Spanish Prisoner, which was written by David Mamet who also wrote the screenplay for The Verdict, but I decided on Ghost World instead. I have to see what's so good about this movie since it got nominated for Best Screenplay adapted from previously published material. I was going to try and see The Man Who Wasn't There and Mulholland Drive at the bargain theatre on Saturday but I may be movied out by then. I also thought of seeing In the Bedroom on Sunday but seeing this movie might just a bit too much.

What can be wonderful and at the same time devastatingly heartbreaking is being able to find information about your old loves on the Net. Such a depressing thing to do on Valentine's Day I know, but at the same time it's nice to find out that men that you thought you loved in your life are happy and well, even though sometimes it's like opening an old wound.

I was listening to KDFC earlier and they were playing the top ten most romantic classical music as voted on by its listeners. They played Rachmaninoff piano concerto # 2, which made my cry because my first love Michael played the piano part for me one night. I haven't heard that piece in a long time even though I've owned it for years to remind of that occasion.

I found Michael's website one day using Google. I just typed his name and clicked on every link till I found this website with a picture of him. He hasn't changed at all. He owns this production company which produces industrial films which apparently are award winning. It made me happy to find out that he was doing something creative for his life because I know that this was important to him. There was a line in Anne Rice's The Queen of the Damned, where one of the vampires says he doesn't need to be with his love but he did need to know that she was alive and going on. I feel the same way about Michael and all my ex-loves. I just need to know that they're alive and going on with their lives and are happy.

Sometimes I wonder if Michael thinks about me at all. He was my first love but I'm not sure what role I played in his life. I know he kept all my letters because he would refer back to them in conversations or letters with me and remind me of things I said to him in the past and say things like "reading through all your old letters". Does that mean something other than the fact that he's a pack rat? I don't know. And then I think it doesn't really matter what he thought or what any or them thought or if they still remember me or if I'm a memory they threw out of their heads a long time ago. What matters to me is what I feel because I can't control what they feel. My old loves will feel what they feel and that's really their issue not mine, because it's not something I can control. I can only control what I feel and I prefer to feel love, because I think in the end, at the end of my life, love is the only thing that's going to matter to me.

And I've been lucky too because I've laid to rest all my traumas about them, all of them. Well, maybe not all. I'm still working on Brian, but that's still relatively new and what's left is just regret for what couldn't be and what hurts is he seems to have gone on and gone on with a vengence without me. But he's pragmatic like me, he would go on, just as I would have if I had obligations to like he did. It's hard sometimes, to take my own regret about him when I know full well that we were never really well matched and that I told him as much. But regret is what I feel, or more loss really because what I miss the most is his friendship more than I miss an actual relationship with him. The loss of a friend to me seems so much harder to bear than the loss a boyfriend who was never really a friend.

But the night is young and delight awaits on this Valentine's Day night for me and I must leave this brief interlude into my past knowing that a better and brighter future awaits me.