I've spent the whole night trying to figure out how to configure my LG Phenom to connect to my ISP provider. At finally, at almost 1 am, I've done it. YEAH!!! I'm typing this post while connected to my baby laptop.

I spent all of Saturday in this seminar taught by world renowned futurist Sean David Morton. I'll have to write more on that later. It was very intense and he opened two chakras for me. I thought there were only 7, but now they're 12. The two he opened are locarted on the back of my shoulders. When he did it, he said it was really cool. And afterwards, he said I had huge wings. This made me happy somehow, to have huge wingie thingies. Whatever they are. I think I just like the fact that most people have only 10 chakras unless you get some point in your back specifically opened. I have 12 chakras and that is so cool. It's made me happy anyway, and you have to grateful for somethng that makes you happy.

On Sunday, I went to church and then to a seminar on fashion, which was so much fun. The only thing now is I'm dying to totally redo my wardrobe, something I can afford but don't want to do right now. This seminar made me realize how slobbed out I've become, which is sad since I used to be known as quite fashionable. Well conservative, but still fashionable. Now I'm just a computer slob nerd. Very bad.

A crush has turned into a friendship. It's funny how things work out that way. Oh well. I love having cutie male friends.

I'm starting to stress out about the spiritual remote viewing course I'm taking tomorrow with futurist Sean David Morton. I went to a party Thursday night and got really drunk. I'll have to do a mini lemonade cleanse tonight to flush the toxins out of my body. I want to be a good frame of mind and in good health on Saturday.

I think I'm stressing out about the course because I'm like, what if his technique. What if it really is possible to remote view events from the past, present and future? I could remote view specific events in my life and the life of my family. I'm even starting to wonder if I could remote view past, present and future events for other people. What a trip! But then I start thinking that what if remote view a tragic event in my life or someone else's. Is possible to alter the future, now that you know what it is. I do have this belief that certain events in your life are set in stone and you can't really change them. You can delay them maybe, but eventually they will have to take place.

It's really too much to think about. I'm expecting to have my mind completely blown, something that rarely happens to me ever. I hope it's a fun blowout.

I tried to write my short story which I'm calling 'Shopping Center Carnival". It was hard. My character is a 13 year old girl with an alcoholic dad and shell shocked mom. They're poor and I think at 13 years old, it's really traumatic to be poor because that's the age you really get caught up in the money thing, if it doesn't hit you sooner. Scratch that. It does hit you sooner, but it's like you're not quite aware of the significance of your status until you hit adolescence.

Then for some reason, writing it made me sad. This character has the most wretched circumstances. My own childhood wasn't this bad, but that's how the character is coming out. It's all really depressing. I'm also listening to Ultra by Depeche Mode, so maybe I'm adding to my own misery. Maybe I need to play happier music.

I think love is a funny thing. Sometimes you're so into and it 's such a blast and such a trip and other times, it's like "ehh, whatever". I had a friend Karl and he said he could be in a couple as long as he had alot of down time and alone time. I'm wondering if I'm the say way. I went out last night and now I just feel this intense need to cocoon and be alone, to listen to my own thoughts and to block out everybody else's.

Well, at least I did write a littlie bit. I may have to start frequenting cafes again. When I wrote in cafes, I wrote alot because I felt like I needed to write something to justify my existence for benig in a cafe, on a school night when I could be at home, listening to my cds or watching TV.

I wonder if I'm too practical to fall in love. I keep thinking if it's not easy and stress free, I totally don't want anything to do with it. Love should be easy and everything should fall into place, like you're in the zone or something. And right now, there's alot of struggle and stress going on and I hate that. This is not a good sign.

I was reading my horoscope today and it said I'm the type of person, who won't get involved in a relationship unless I'm successful in some way. That sounds so true for me. I know part of me thinks that I'm like totally worthless unless I'm a published and well paid author, and I won't be able to think about falling in love and bieng in a relationship till this happens. Which means of course I'm doomed and fucked, because it might not ever happen.

It's funny to me. People in my writing class think I'm disciplined, but I'm really not, at least not how I'd like be discplined anyway.

Sometimes writing is so hard. How do you trust the voice that's speaking to you and telling you a story? Sometimes character start stories and never finish them. It's hard to tell whether you're getting a whole story or just a snippet or a life.

I feel very sad too, like something has happened to one of my friends or will happen. I don't get that anything will happen to me, but that something will happen, something not that great, for one of my friends. I just can't tell who. Sometimes I hate that I get intuitive flashes. Like how do you know if they're true? How do you know you're not like Russell Crowe in that movie, A Beautiful Mind", and talking to yourself and having one big delusion.

God, I so related to that part of the movie. Sometimes I feel like I'm living on a huge delusion and all of my friends know it but won't tell me. It's a terrible feeling.

Wow, there was an earthquake in SF tonight and I was in a bar having drinks with some people from my screenwriting seminar and I didn't even feel it. What a shock! When I checked my cell phone messages, I got frantic calls from friends wondering if I was okay. Actually, I'm glad I missed it because earthquakes freak me out anyway.

Another surprise. People in my screenwriting class are fun to hang out with. It's so hard to tell in a class whether you're going to like anyone and when you're in a writing class, it's even harder, at least for me anyway. As a writer, I am incredibly insecure about my writing and this insecurity translates into everything. When I'm in a new writing class for the first time, I'm always in fear of everyone in the class until I get to know them. And even then, it's still hard because these people will be reviewing your work, they're your critics and consequently, they can be your worst nightmare.

You never like anyone, you always think people are criticizing you and when someone comments on your work, it's like they've stabbed you right in the heart sometimes. Your art is like your baby and they're stepping on it and saying how confusing and bad it is. These aren't exactly the right conditions to develop friendship or love for that matter.

But when you do eventually go out with your fellow writers, you find out they're just as insecure about their writing as you are, and they're human like you are too and not the bad freaky people you thought they were. Which is a nice surprise I think.

I haven't written for a week and although I feel like I've deserved my one week vacation, I feel bad for not writing. I feel bad for not doing the thing that I think I've found after all these years that I really do love, the one thing in the world that I really want to do well and succeed in, and the only way I have to really express myself.

But with this urge to write, comes a lot of caution. Like do I want to bring people and events into my life that will threaten this new love that I've found? If I fall in love and meet the man of dreams, will he take away from my love of writing, because I'll have to spend time with this man? Will I still be able to devote all my free time to writing or research for my stories or will I have to choose between my writing and my boyfriend? I don't know if I'm strong enough to make that decision. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not let anything and anybody get in the way of my writing.

And will the man of my dreams understand my need to write, the time I need to write, the time I need to research, the time I need to just be myself so I can recharge my creative batteries? I don't know and I'm afraid that somewhere along the line, I'll get lost along with my writing.

And I don't know if I could survive losing myself and my writing again. But I don't know if I can survive living much longer without being in love and being part of a couple. It feels like these two issues will come head to head in my life sooner than later, like maybe before the summer is out. And I know I will have to choose but I'm praying to have the best of both worlds; the love of my life, my lifetime soul partner who supports me in my writing. And at this point in my life, I know I won't put up with anything less.