My brother called and said my grandmother's funeral is scheduled for Saturday July 19 at 1 pm. He's going to have an orchid flower arrangement made for our branch of the family with all of our names. My brother is so very good at taking care of the things like this, and I am very grateful.

I'm going to the play "Urinetown" tonight, which has been on my schedule all year since I'm an ACT subscriber. "Urinetown" got a great review, and its run has been extended, so the show should be good.

I'm meeting a friend at California Pizza Kitchen before the show, since she also bought a ticket for tonight. The friend I'm meeting tonight was planning to go to Kauai with me later in the year to meet my grandma. She wanted to meet the woman who partially raised me. As they say, the best laid plans often fail.

The postal service delivered some natural healing remedies that I ordered last week to take to Hawaii for my grandma's recovery. I guess I'll just take them myself now. I don't think it will hurt me to take all the heart remedies I bought, since heart disease runs in the family.

It was weird to open the box and to see what I had bought. I was really looking forward to sharing my natural healing knowledge with my grandma.

Things I remember about my grandma

She was beautiful
She was smart
She wore ball gowns
She liked wearing spikey three inch heels
She loved to dance and was a great dancer
She made me watch wrestling and Lawrence Welk with her
She always wore pearls, and was a jewelry freak
She taught me how to tell good diamonds from bad diamonds
She loved Elvis Presley, Tom Jones, Engelbert Humperdink, Jack Jones, Don Ho, The Commodores especially Lionel Richie, The Police especially Sting, ABBA, The Temptations, and Barry Manilow
She was very emotional
She love Hong Kong kung fu action movies and has an awesome video collection
She loved Bruce Lee but thought Jean Claude Van Dame was a dud
She was a typical suburban housewife who popped valium, diet pills, drank sherry or vermouth, and for a time became a darvon (painkiller) addict
She was painfully catholic and we had giant crucifixes in every room, plus statues of Jesus, Mary, and a shrine to the Infant of Prague
She loved me

Things I remember about my biological mom:

She was beautiful
She was tall
She was smart
She was always laughing
She was always melancholy
She loved Jim Morrison and the Doors, and was freaked out when Morrison died
She adored Cat Stevens, Brenda Lee, Al Green, Bette Midler, and Maria Muldaur
She smoked hippie lettuce or tripped on acid while listening to the Doors
She had a thing for pretty boys (this must where I get this trait from)
She loved me

I've heard it said that you have "other worldly" experiences when a loved one dies. So here's mine.

I'm lying in bed crying thinking, "why didn't grandma wait for me, she knew I was coming to take care of her in a week?" I felt like moans were coming from deep inside of me somewhere and I hurt all over.

I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling and I saw this really bright light. First I thought it was the sun making a reflection through my window, so I closed my eyes again and went back to crying.

Then it occured to me that maybe I had seen some kind of vision, some kind of ghost. So I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling, but the light was gone. So much for ghostly visitations.

But then the light appeared again, and it was so strong it hurt my eyes. I kept looking at the light, and it was like a door had opened, and someone was peeking in at me.

People who have near death experiences say that when you die, you see this really bright light and the end of a tunnel.

Then the light and shadow faded like a door had closed. So I'm thinking maybe grandma died because she couldn't resist the light, she couldn't resist the heavenly light of god's love.

I'm sure she was thinking, "why come back to this world and my frail old body and few more months of life, and the loneliness I've felt these last 10 years after my husband's death. God's light and love is so irresistable, how can I not go?

I know I have loved ones who want to see me, but God's light and love seem so comforting. I can't resist, I have to go, it's too strong, and the only thing keeping me here is seeing my family.

But they'll understand, they'll know I couldn't resist the light, it's too strong, too inviting, too peaceful. I am tired, I am tried of fighting my body, I am tired of living, I want to go home, home to where I came from, home to God."

I know my grandma is happy where she is, wrapped in God's love and surrounded by angels and other loved ones who have also passed. I know she probably couldn't resist the light.