I had a really great and productive day yesterday. I went to see my kineseologist for my bimonthly visit and he brought my energy back up to 96%. Most people's energy is at 80 something percent, so to be at 96% is a good thing. Then I had a training session with my japanese Ki energy trainer. I've had four sessions with him so far, but I decided to discontinue it. I wasn't sure it was working, although I loved hearing about the philosophy of going with the flow. He said I was good at it, even though I never ever practice.

Then it was back to the city for a shopping and a haircut. Shopping at Union Square isn't all that crowded to me, and all the stores are having sales. I get the feeling that most people aren't really too many things. I see a lot of people without shopping bags. I mailed off three presents at the post office in Macy's basement. I keep forgetting there's a post office there, which is open on Sundays as well. I finished all my Christmas shopping! YEAH ME! Now I just have to send out the cards and mail more presents.

Next stop was Trader Joe's in the Inner Richmond. The place is such a traffic nightmare. There is definitely not enough parking for that store. I parked a block away, and walked to the store since I wasn't shopping for that many items. I bought some St. John's Wort, which is like natural prozac. I used to take it when I working at the startups to calm my nerves, and it did help. I'm hoping it will help me calm my anxiety down.

My final appointment of the day was at my accupuncturist. Sad isn't it? I need a team of alternative healers to keep me functional, which costs a ton of money but which makes me feel good and happy. I don't have back problems, my energy is good, I only need 5-6 hours of sleep a night, my skin is decent, and I think generally my health is decent considering all the problems I used to have.

I even made a stop at the bank on the way home to deposit some checks. Then I spent the rest of the night watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring". What a great movie. I'm definitely watching it again tonight.

Damn! I was just in the middle of typing a really nice post when I accidentally deleted the whole dang thing. I hate that! Okay, here I go again.

I feel so much better tonight. I had a little anxiety when I came home tonight, but it was just a twinge.

Damn! Damn! Damn! I hate when I have to type over a post. I was into a roll talking about how I had no regrets in life. How my current job turned out to be a really good decision this year. It's not the perfect job, no job I feel will ever be that perfect, but I've got a great boss. The best boss I've had in a long time. Sure the woman gets on my nerves and I get peeved at her a ton, but she really is very good. This new job has also allowed me to meet most of my financial goals this year, while at the same time letting me spend money like it's going out of style.

I was kind of having regrets about the red-haired guy, but you know we had a good run. I knew my time with him was limited from the get go, and I did feel loved some of the time and I was able to let myself fall in love with him a little. And if I were to die today, I have nothing I need to say to him that I didn't already say. I left that relationship saying everything I needed to say so when I left I wouldn't have the feeling that I wished I'd told him this, I wish I'm told him that. I've been trying to do with all my relationships for a few years, because there is nothing worse than having relationship regrets.

The only thing I know I would regret if I were to die tonight, and I'm not sure what to think about this one, is I wish I'd written more. My list of accomplishments for my writing is about 10 plus items, and that's a piddly amount considering writing is something I think I'm actually good at and might want to do for a living some day. I have so many stories I wish I had gotten down on paper this year, so many short stories I wished I'd finished, four novels that I wish I'd finish, a screenplay that just needs 30 more pages to end, etc.

I never thought I'd ever have the thought that I had written more stories on my deathbed, but now I've had it. And it sucked and it was kind of sad. Sad because I keep thinking that if I could just sit my butt down in a chair and make myself write, I could have written more. I had the time, I just didn't have the discipline or desire maybe to do it. I don't know.

And with this now huge regret swirling around my head, I'm buying myself a laptop for my birthday in January. I'd buy one now, but I'm taking my work laptop with me on vacation in case an emergency comes up, and I don't want to be travelling with two laptops. I know a new toy like a laptop might really movitate me to write.

I keep telling myself it would be so much easier if I had a laptop, and now I won't have that complaint anymore. I mean I'm even contemplating going to be earlier so I could get up and write. Since I've been anxiety ridden these last few weeks, I've been going to bed at 10 or 11 pm, and waking up at 5 am. I can't sleep more than six hours without getting up. If I keep gong to bed early, I could experiment with writing in the morning. I've never actually made my myself write in the morning other than doing morning pages a few years back. Of course I'd have to fit in more writing after work before I go to the gym at 7 pm, but the more hours to write to better I say.

Last night I felt way better. I didn't hardly have any anxiety and this morning and today, I've been better. Not sure what is going on, but I'm glad the anxiety has subsided. I told my boss at work what was going on when she asked if there was "anything going on". I don't think I've been myself at work lately. She knows about my relationship with the red-haired guy and how up and down it's been. I think she was worried.

So I've been doing my list of accomplishment and under Money and Finance, I've come up with 24 things I can be proud of. I have not been paying attention to my finances at all these last four months and thought I was spending money wildly, but I haven't been that bad. I've really started to set up my life up so I save money automatically and it really, really helps. I fell short of my savings goals this year because I went on furniture buying binge, but I think I can make up for it next year if I go back to my tight wad ways.

I love having money in the bank! And I think by July if all goes well, I will be credit card debt free! Yeah me! Then I'll just have my car payment left and that will be finished by the end of 2005. I want to buy a laptop so badly and go on vacation, but I think I'll wait till after July. Not sure if I can wait on the laptop though.

If I can ever decide on which laptop to buy, I think it will be my only major purchase for next year. I'm thinking I need a new printer as well as my very old HP from 1998 is starting to not feed paper, but I saw one I liked at Costco for $200. My 1998 monitor is about to die as well and a friend of mine is trying to convince me to buy a flat screen monitor. I don't think they're that expensive, so I may just buy it one of these days.

I think I've done enough major apartment upgrading for now, and the laptop is the only thing that I really, really, reallly want.

I just started doing my 4th quarter accomplishments for work, and I'm always amazed by how much work I completed in three months. I always get this feeling at work that I don't do enough, but then when I look at my list of over 35+ plus projects I've completed, I'm like I work really hard. It just never feels like I work hard because I'm not doing any overtime and I book out at 5 pm every night on the dot. But my list of completed projects is really, really long!

I'm thinking I need to start a list of accomplishments for my life and my writing every quarter as well, because right now it feels like I'm such a lazy little slug. I know I'm not, but it sure as heck feels that way.

But I know I've done a lot like ...
1. changed jobs
2. bought a new bed and mattress
3. bought a new tv, dvd and vcr
4. bought a new stereo system
5. got published four times on the internet
6. opened a money market account
7. paid off all my credit cards except for one card
8. had dental surgery to correct bleeding gums
9. bought new glasses
10. bought a new lingere chest and new chest of drawers

And this is just the beginning.

The last few days have been bad. My anxiety attacks have just been unbelievable! I'm okay for the most part during the day, but at night I just start freaking and crying. I think grandma must have been worried about me since I had a particularly bad night last night, as I kept waking up in fear last night and decided I needed to say the "Our Father" prayer and some "Hail Mary" prayers thrown in just for good measure. It's amazing how that good catholic girl training comes in handy sometimes.

Anyway, when I walked into my kitchen this morning to make coffee the whole place smelled like grandma's kitchen at home on Kauai. I knew she was there haunting me and and letting me know she was worried about me. I usually completely freak out when I smell those home smells, but this morning I was comforted. I must have been in a pretty bad state for grandma to haunt me like that.

My sisters, who both suffer from anxiety attacks, said they've been going through this all their lives. I hate it, and I'm like why am I getting it now at this age? It's definitely an inherited thing, and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about it or am I just going to have to learn to live with it. Both my sisters swear their anxiety keeps them at their svelte size 4 and under. My anxiety attacks aren't doing a thing for my weight. I'm not losing any weight, but at least I'm not gaining any weight and I guess that's a good thing. I usually gain weight when I'm stressed out.

Just to get caught up, here's a recap of my Thanksgiving weekend.

I drove up to Redding California to visit my aunt and uncle on Wednesday. Redding is about a four drive up North or about 223 miles. I totally messed the time up and instead of leaving San Francisco by 3 pm, I left after 4 pm. This was a HUGE mistake. I got caught in a typical Bay Area Friday night commute home, with added day before Thankgiving traffic. It took me two hours to go from San Francisco to Richmond California, which is only about less than 30 mile drive. The traffic was horrendous, and I don't know how people can stand to do this commute every day.

Once I left the Bay Area, the traffic got better until I hit a five car pile up in Fairfield. That was a scary sight. I'd never seen five cars smashed all in a row like that. You see a sight like that and you think, what's the chances of that being me?

Once I got off i-80and went on 505 and then onto interstate 5, I was fine. I was flying and doing about 80-85 mph. My car is so fun to drive and very, very comfortable to sit in. I wasn't even sore so I didn't even stop and just hoofed it up there.

Driving on I-5 is a trip because it's nothing but huge, huge trucks. I hate driving near big trucks; they scare me. My car is way too small, and the one and only accident I had involved a big rig truck so the trucks just freak me out. I zipped around them as much as I could and I held my breath each time.

The four drive turned into a five hour drive, but considering I was in rush hour/pre thanksgiving traffic I probably made good time. My poor aunt and uncle thought I'd be there sooner, so they waited to have dinner until I got there. I told them I didn't think I'd be there till 10 pm, but they decided to wait anyway. I didn't know this of course, so I stopped at the McDonalds near their house for my dinner and got food through the drivethru. What a waste of good highway junk food! I ended up putting my Mickey D food in their fridge, and going out to dinner with them which they paid for. My uncle always pays for dinner.

My aunt and uncle moved up to Redding to retire and now that they have all this free time, they do nothing but gamble at all the indian casinos that are mushrooming up there. So of course after dinner, they took me to their favourite casino. My uncle plays poker, and he gives my aunt money to entertain herself by playing the slot machines or bingo if they have it. Since I was with them, my uncle handed me and my aunt a wad of money and said "Here, go enjoy yourself. I want to play cards."

Now I'm not into gambling, but since my uncle gave me some money and they both obviously wanted to enjoy themselves and I was staying with them, I gambled with them till 3 am. I lost all the money he gave me, but my aunt was luckier and doubled her stash. She is a very lucky gambler, and had won $800 last week at a slot machine.

It's unbelievable how many people are gambling their money away in the wee hours of the morning in an indian casino in northern california. People are really into it. And unlike Vegas or Atlantic City, they don't serve you free booze drinks at indian casinos. You can get free soft drinks, but no free alcohol. The indian casinos aren't as nice as the ones in Vegas as well. No sports betting, no fancy games. Just poker, bingo, slot machines, and blackjack. I don't think I even saw a craps table. Not that I think I ever took an inventory of a Las Vegas casino, but the indian casino we went to was definitely low rent.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be spending the start of a Thanksgiving holiday at a dumpy indian casino, but it was fun only because my aunt and uncle are so nice to hang with. My aunt is really sweet, and she was giving me motherly advice during our slot machine games.

Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.

But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.

You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.

It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.

Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.