This is the first day since last Saturday that I've felt a little happier. This last week has been so hard! I missed M-Square so much, and was practically crying at work when my friend S and I were exchanging emails about him. She told me not to get discouraged, but it just made me miss the guy even more! And then on Friday, I started thinking about M-Square and tears were coming out of my eyes on Muni. Nothing beats crying on public transportation during the Friday night rush hour. People stare at you with genuine pity in their eyes. God only knows what they must be thinking.

I am definitely processing something in my mind because I have been having the wildest, wildest dreams. I dreamt my grandparents were still alive and so was our old neighbour, Mr. Murakami. He had these amazing manicured gardens with all these bonsai plants. The man was truly a gardner artist, but boy did he hate dogs. My grandparents swore the man poisoned all of our dogs because they kept getting into his gardens and doing their morning and evening routines. In the dream, my grandparents were laughing because Mr. Murakami was screaming and throwing dog poo back in our yard saying it belonged to our dog. My granparents were just laughing and rolling their eyes. I don't know if this was a real memory that I dreamed about or just some kind of weird dream.

On a better note, I did my taxes today and I am getting a huge refund! I haven't filed them yet, because I want to think about the deductions I'm taking but I think I am getting at least $700-800 back. And I'm getting a refund from the State of California for once.

I thought for sure I was going to owe money, which is why I've waited this long to do my taxes so I was pleasantly surprised to find out I am getting such a big refund. I claim two on my exemptions, which I was supposed to switch back to one in July but kept forgetting about. When I claimed two exemtions in 2004 I screwed myself over tax wise, but not this year.

That business license I got last year has really workjed out for me tax wise. It is definitely the way to go. I wrote off my beading classes and beading supplies, and then decided to write off all of my writing classes as well because I earned some money doing a little writing gig last year. I earned $35 working as a film panel person at the Academy of Art College for my ex-screenwriting teacher. My business license says "wholesales sales" but I think writing qualifies under my business license, don't you think?

I'm thinking I should actually switch my business license to writer, if there is such a thing. Then I could start writing off not only writing classes, but books as well. Maybe I will even write off movie tickets as research. My brother says owning your own business is the best thing a person can do to not pay too many taxes. He writes off his gym membership, clothing, his car, food, you name it, and the boy writes it off. But then he really does have a legitimate business with a few employees. But he says I can do it as well. He told me I should write off my trip to Hawaii as a business expense for my beading business, because I was showing my jewerly off to friends I know who own shops. They even asked me if I was going to make more and were very interested in selling them. Not sure if they were serious or not or just being polite, but my brother said that our interaction would qualify as a business meeting. He is so funny!

I'm so mad at myself today. I let the batttery on my palm tungsten E die out, and I lost a ton of information! And stupid, stupid me, didn't back my palm up since last summer so I've lost about 8 months worth of information. I lost the list of books I've been reading for 2005 and for 2006. I lost all of my appointments, and can only remember three I have this month so if I have anything personally scheduled after April, well, I just hope I remember them. What else? My list of movies seen for 2005 and 2006, and all my financial information that I've been storing on my Palm., which thank God I think can replaced if I spend a month re-entering everything.

But I'm mostly pissed at the list of books and movies that I've lost. God, this is the first time I've let my palm die ever! I am so pissed at myself right now! I'm going to have spend a whole month I think trying to re-enter everything. What a horrid, horrid, stupid thing to do!

But thank god it wasn't worse! At least I haven't lost any of my writing. I think there might have been one or two writing things on my Palm, but nothing too terribly important I think.

Something fun has been happening at work, although I would hardly call it a flirtation. I received an email last Friday from a new manager in another division requesting some material for a presentation he was working on. I sent it to him on Friday and on Monday he sent me an email with some questions, which I needed permission from one of my bosses to release the information he was asking for. I ended up calling the guy on Monday at around 5 pm thinking he would be gone for the day and I could leave a message.

We ended up talking fo about 45 minutes about his presentation and the information I sent to him. Then on Tuesday, the guy pops by my cube and we end up talking for another hour and 45 minutes. He had emailed me his powerpoint presentation and he wanted to show it to me himself when I told him I hadn't even had the chance to look at it yet.

Wow, the time just flew by and next thing I know he wants to google a night time image of the US and we're both staring at my PC at a night time image of the US and commenting about where there are lights and no lights on the map. How weird was that? The guy kept saying he couldn't stay long and then ended pulling up an empty chair so he could talk to me. Then when I walked him to the door of our floor, we kept chatting about other business related matters.

This guy is such a trip. He's young, just got his MBA from the University of Michigan from the way he talks, and grew up in Ann Arbor. He was proud to tell me he was a free market capitalist, which translates into San Francisco Bay Area speak as "Republican". The guy must have learnt something from living here because he knows he just can't announce to a girl in San Francisco that he's a "Republican" without suffering the consequences of that act. I just laughed when he told me that because I knew exactly what he was talking about. So funny! I mean, what else kind of guy would pay for his own personal subscription to The Wall Street Journal?

And yes, the guy is attractive. He's nice and big which I like, and he's a brown-eyed blondie which has always been a favourite type of mine only because brown-eyed blondie boys are so rare. Too bad he works in my company is all I can say.

But he is so darned nice. Today he comes to my cube on a break from a training session he's in and hands me a video of 60 Minutes shows he's tivoed and thought I might be interested in watching because they were all on healthcare. How sweet was that?

I am having major flashbacks with this guy because I have dated way too many guys like him in my past; the frat boy, republican type. Wanna bet the guy wears boxers and shorts with his boxers hanging out? Most of the guys I dated in college and beyond were like this guy, the typical what my friend Shari in college used to call "Bowdoin preppy"; the kind of chubby, happy go lucky, very charming, opinionated and a great conversationalist, always neatly and preppily dressed, republican frat boy. These guys always look squeeky clean, smell good, always pay, can totally talk your ear 0ff and charm your panties off to boot at the same time, until the next thing you know it's the morning and y0u're waking up buttt naked in an expensively furnished room and the guy is handing you an aspirin and a glass of water to cure your hangover with the biggest grin on his face. And you're like thinking to yourself, how the hell did this happen?

I had a long talk with my friend S today at work. She thinks I need to move on and forget about M-Square. She thinks there is someone better on the way, and that M-Square will never change and I just need to forget about him. S thinks M-Square has way too many problems and that his vibration is so below mine that the universe took him away from me. S also thinks that I will always be a reminder to M-Square of just how low his vibe is compared to mine and that this situation doesn't make for a relationship.

I know M-Square had problems when I first met him. I know I should have just backed away in the first two weeks, especially when he started telling me more about himself but I didn't. There seemed to such a goodness inside of him that was so unmistakable. I feel like Padme in Star Wars when she says about Darth Vader "There is still goodness inside of him, I can feel it." I think even Princess Leia said this about father as well.

But I couldn't back away. We just seemed to fit, and I know we were soul mates, still are soul mates, but maybe not meant to be together in this lifetime. I don't know.

It's been two months and I still miss him terribly, especially this week. I don't think I missed him much in March as I am missing him this week so very, very much. But realistically, the chances of him changing and getting his act together are slim to none. It 's so hard for people to change, really hard. It is a super-human effort to be spiritual when you haven't been trying to be spiritual your whole life. I've been spiritual most of my life so I don't think I can even relate someone starting their journey on the spiritual path this late in life. I can only guess it would be so hard.

Even if God gave you the cosmic slap upside your head, it would still be so hard. I suppose a person could change, but maybe not enough to be at my level. This is S's theory about M-Square. She thinks people just can't change. But it's so unfair because I really, really liked him and I thought he really liked me. No, I know he really liked me but maybe we just weren't mean to be. God my heart breaks when I think about us not being together.

I feel like it's been centuries since our souls have been together, and to lose him again now after not having been with him for so long is just horrifying and unpalatable to my soul, my heart and my whole being. But I know I have to partner with someone. I realized today I cannot accomplish what I want do with my life unless I'm in a partnership with a guy. Some women can go it alone. I wish to God I was one of them, but I'm not. I need the balance of energies that being in a partnership brings, the stabalization, the companionship. Yes, I am a spiritual warrior, but I know I cannot go it alone.

But this much I know, my heart will keep on breaking till the universe brings another compatible man into my life. And sadly when that event happens, I will forget all about M-Square. It will be like he never existed and I will say to myself and all my friends, "it was God's grace that we are not together because this new guy is so much better."

And I know deep down I won't have to wait 14 years for another amazing guy to come into my life. I don't have the time and the world doesn't have the time for me to wait another 14 years. The new guy will come and I think he will come soon. I just wish with every fiber of my being that the "new guy" is the old M-Square changed, but I'm not sure if this kind of miracle exists in the world for us.

My department is such a soap opera. We have a new director who started on March 2o, and people are just going bonkers! My boss' boss is already spreading rumors about the poor guy and how bad he is, and worse yet, he found out that she is spreading the rumors.

I am really disgusted, seriously! I would be mortified if my boss found out I was spreading rumors about her. It's willfull and so evil, and it's kind of thing I thought only existed in movies. But no! It's happening right in my department. What a zoo this place is!

I am doing a little geographical escape myself and moving to a better cube. If you can't switch jobs, just move cubes. Nothing like a little location change.

Every time I look at the woman, my boss' boss who is spreading malicious rumors about her boss, I just see a really evil person. I can't help it. S thinks it's because my boss' boss is so scared that the new director guy is going to make changes that she is desperately doing this evil, evil thing. I nearly jumped out of my skin this afternoon when she came to my cube to ask me something.

I'm like, I wonder what rumors she's been spreading about me. M-Square was dead-on when he told me chances for career advancement were less than zero because I so do not get along with my boss' boss. The woman practically hates me because she was supposed to be the best writer in the group until I came along. A producer friend from LA said I should get used it, because if I ever become a paid writer I will generate a ton of hate from unpublished writers who think they can write better than me. Whatever!

God, I hope I don't ever get that desperate and scared at a job that I have to resort to spreading evil and false rumors about my boss. This company, any company I think, is way too small to be doing that kind of thing. And I'm like how did the new director guy find out? She must have told someone who she thought wouldn't rat on her. You so cannot trust anybody at work, can you?

My friend S from work came over to visit, and we had dinner at the vegan kosher chinese restaurant near my place called Shangri La. They have probably the best vegan dinner for $22 for 2 people. They serve spring rolls, soup, two dishes with purple/brown rice and fried banana for desert. It is such a deal!

S and I have so much in common. We both love blue and white dishes and London. She used to live in Penzance England, although she grew up in Montreal and all her family is in NYC. She's a long time meditator like me, and I think she was a fairy girl in one of her previous lives.

It's nice to make a new friend that you have so much in common with. Plus she's into this thing called Human Design, which is kind of astrology but totally different. She and I and projectors. She is very sensitive and very psychic.

I've only known here since December, but when we get together it's like we've know each other for years. She is writing a novel that I think will be a bestseller when she gets it published. She told me tonight about an idea for another novel she wants to write based on a woman she met and cared for who was Austrian and survivor of Auschwitz.

It was so weird to meet someone else who is as interested in Holocaust history as I am. We both think we were killed/gased during the Holocaust in a preveious life. She laughed because I say the word "Auschwitz" with a perfect german accent. I wonder if I died there. One of these days, I would like to travel to visit all the Holocaust camps to see if I have any dejavu experience at one of them. I know when I do, it will mean that I died at that particular death camp.

When I told her I thought I was flapper girl in NYC, she giggled and said she had a psychic vision of my previous life. I love music from that era, always have, even though I did not have exposure to it until I read my first F. Scott Fitzgerald short story. I used to really be into F. Scott!