I decided that I hate my job. I probably would have tried to leave last year if it wasn’t for that whole business with the red-haired guy. The people are nice, but the organization itself sucks since it’s so disorganized. I can see them heading into some rocky, rocky times this year now that the CEO is sending out emails about how we need to cut expenses.

I didn’t like my other job either, but I was so lucky to have a job when everyone else I knew was unemployed, that I managed to file away from discontent for four years. I have to figure out a way to file away my dissatisfaction with this new job like I did with my previous job. I know this is a good job for me financially, and my boss is great although sometimes just plain irritating. But the company is very dysfunctional and their disorganization is just too much for me to handle sometimes. I know my boss feels the same way because she told me last week that she didn’t know what we were doing.

My intuition is telling me to at least hold one through the summer because the company will going through some rough times, and that the rough times will initiate several changes culturally within the company. Until then, I’m going to have to figure out a way to feel content with my job. My discontent is at a zenith today, and I know this is a bad sign for me. I know it’s affecting my attitude at work and that’s not good.

I'm hoping this is just post too long holiday job satisfaction stuff, but I have a feeling it's not. I think this stuff has been building for a long time, and fortunately or unfortuntately, my roller coaster personal life has distracted me from facing how much I'm really not happy at work. Part of me wants to initiate another personal crisis just so I can stay at my job, but that would only delay things and not really solve them.

Sometimes I hate long weekends. Coming back to work today is such a big old drag. I don't want to be here, my boss is so irritating me, and I'm dreaming of getting out in any I can. Where's my sugardaddy? Like I'd never ever thought I'd ever want one, but you know I can see why some women would want one now.

I was sitting on my bed this afternoon between 2-3pm, and I felt a sharp jolt hit the building and then my bed. I kind of thought it was an earthquake, but wasn't sure because it was so short. I decided to check the USGS site, and sure enough there were two minor earthquakes around that time at the San Francisco Zoo.

Wow, what a trip. I felt something hard hit the building but I knew it had to be some minor earthquake because when I looked outside I didn't see anything. This is the second quake I've felt in two weeks. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come.

Just because I'm purchasing song like mad on iTunes doesn't mean I've stopped buying CDs. My latest CD purchases were:

The Crow Soundtrack - think I might have to get the DVD as well and put this movie in my top 10 list

October by U2 - the first U2 album I bought back in the day when they were just a no-name band from Ireland. Gloria is still one of their best songs, and an early prototype of a typical U2 anthem song.

So for whatever reason, I am hooked on flash drives. I love the 128 mb flash drive I bought with my Dell laptop. I just put my stick and transfer files back and forth.

I just bought a 1 gig mini cruzer by SanDisk on EBay. Everyone wants one, and it took me bidding on four different ones to get one for a price I wanted to pay.

iTunes is so addictive. I'm deciding whether I need to buy "No Tears" or "She is Mine" by the Pscychedelic Furs. I used to really, really love these songs!

My latest iTune purchases.

As Long As You're Mine by Idina Menzel & Leo Norbert Butz Wicked (Original Broadway Cast Recording)
I'm Not That Girl by Idina Menzel Wicked (Original Broadway Cast Recording)
I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne
If You Asked Me To by Céline Dion
Do You Know Where You're Going To? (Theme from "Mahogany") by Diana Ross
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
South Side by Moby & Gwen Stefani
Crazy for This Girl by Evan & Jaron
Endless Love (Soundtrack Version) by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie
Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
True by Ryan Cabrera
Addicted by Enrique Iglesias
Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden
Lullaby by Shawn Mullins
Love Plus One by Haircut 100
Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket
Inside Out by Eve 6
Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
Angelia by Richard Marx
Ku'u Lei Maile by Uluwehi Guerrero
The Way You Move by OutKast & Sleepy Brown
My Ever Changing Moods by The Style Council

I'm thinking about music tonight. On the way home from my greek drama final as I'm driving along the beach I hear all these songs connected to men I've loved.

Wish you were here by Pink Floyd - Paul
Hit me with your best shot by Pat Benatar - Michael
How deep is your love by the BeeGees - Reid
Wouldn't it be nice by The Beach Boys - John

Then before class I started thinking about my top 10 cd list again, this time adding:
Butterfly by Mariah Carey
My Favorite Things by John Coltrane
Wish by The Cure
Symphony and Metallica
Kind of Blue by Miles Davis
What's the story morning glory by Oasis
Dirty Mind by Prince
Celebrity Skin by Hole
The Four Seasons by Vivaldi
Requieum by Mozart
The Crow Soundtrack

And now this is my favorite new song: Breathe (2am) by Anna Nal

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no lonmger inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...yeah breathe
Just breathe, ohho breathe.

I think my pc needs some serious upgrading. Last night I turned on my computer on to work on my greek drama paper, and the fonts were all messed up. I called a friend of mine who use to be a Help Deck techie at a company we both worked at, and she suggested after having tried many things that I copy the fonts in my font directory on my laptop to my pc. This solved the problem.

Somehow the fonts in my font directory were wiped out because when we looked in there, they were all gone. What a scary, scary thing to happen, but thankfully we fixed it. I just thank god I have my laptop as a backup. I don’t why it took so long for me to buy one, because I use it quite a bit and I love watching TV and writing on my laptop. I can watch TV and write at the same time, which is only difficult if I get involved watching a program. I like to have the television on for background noise when I write, and when I get bored I can always look up and start watching whatever is on.

I definitely have to upgrade the chip memory on my pc, because it’s a 256-chip and it’s very, very slow. After that I need to put all my important files on a cd, so I can upgrade to Windows XP professional. I finally have my upgrade copy. Last night’s computer scare reminded me that I have gotten very lax in backing up my pc. I should really just buy one of those giant memory sticks that have a gig of memory and back it up to there once a week. All I really care about are my Microsoft Office files like words, excel, ppts, etc, my pdfs, my mail files, and my palm pilot files. Everything else can be reinstalled.

But if I do upgrade from Windows 2000, I think I need to clear out all the garbage out of my pc. I have mail messages in Outlook from 1998 that I’m still keeping. I think I should also keep all my important docs in a few directories, just so it’s easier to back up. This kind of stuff is such a chore, but very necessary if I want to upgrade my pc. I guess this will be my Memorial Day project this weekend.

I rented the movie "I Robot" and I think I might have to get the DVD. Not that the movie is that good, but the comnentary by director Alex Proyas and Akiva Goldsman is so fantastic. They actually tell you what when went into the writing of the movie, and as a lesson in how to write a screenplay it's very informative.

I think it's the best commentary I've ever heard on a movie. Usually they are so boring, but this one is very, very good. Akiva Goldsman wrote "A Beautiful Mind" and I think was also brought in to write "The Da Vinci Code". I have a book where he's quoted and he said he attended Robert McKee screenwriting seminar and after that, sold his first screenplay. Funny huh? Just like the guy in the movie "Adaptation".

The weekend of June 11 has three seminars that I badly want to take. I'm already paid for a seminar called "Creating the love relationship" that you want, which has an 85% success rate. I met a woman who met her husband shortly after she took the seminar and she said he was 95% of what she wrote up she wanted in the seminar.

Robert McKee is also doing his three day "Story" seminar that weekend here in San Francisco, a location that he rarely uses. Then there's a seminar on that new energy psychology technique I discovered called "EFT". If you''re not into energy psychology, it's like the latest and greatest new thing. I took a 3-hour seminar on EFT in April, but couldn't stay for the whole thing.

So I'm like love, screenwriting or emotional freedom ... hmmmmmm. I'm already registered for the love seminar and they've already cashed my check. But Robert McKee, I mean when is he ever going to be in San Francisco. And EFT, who doesn't want emotional freedom.

But ... I guess love wins out every time. 85% success rate ... that's an amazing stat for a seminar on how to find your perfect love. And 95%. I don't think I've gotten more than 50% of what I've wanted in a relationship. I know you can't have 100%, but I didn't think you get 95%. I thought it was more like 50% and up to 75% if you were really, really lucky. But 95% .... that's like a frickin' miracle!

I finally finished my paper and it ended up being 8.5 pages. I'll read it tomorrow on the way to work and edit it, and make any changes tomorrow night. It's not the best paper, but at least it's over with.

It's a beautiful and warm sunny weekend in San Francisco, and I'm stuck inside finishing my greek drama paper and studying for my greek drama final on Tuesday. My screenwriting teacher on Wednesday asked me if I was still taking classes, and when I said yes she said, "That's why you can't find time to write."

I think Julie is right. I probably won't take a class next fall, and I'm definitely not taking a class this summer. I don't mind taking one day or evening seminars, but not a full month three month commitment. I told Julie I wanted to take a film class and she said to take the two-day film school class they offer at Learning Annex. She said it was just as good.

I really do want the experience of making my own film just to check it out, and a two day commitment is definitely better than a semester commitment of two days a week.

Just to relieve the boredom of studying, I typed of three pages of my "Changing Timelines" novel. That's 800 words, not bad I guess. I was changing my story while writing it then decided to go back to the way it was originally written, since I was going to have to cut a whole page out. I hate when you change one action and then find out after ten minutes that you've eliminated a whole scene with the one change. I hate that! I'll change the scene in the second rewrite.

God I hate studying! I do. It's so boring. I could be out and about gallivanting around and enjoying the day. Actually I'm feeling bette than I thought I would be this weekend, considering I had two filling replaced on Saturday morning. Everytime I have dental work, my mouth hurts for days but this new dentist I'm seeing is gentle with his injections.

I had a silver filling replaced with a composite, and I'm having an onlay put it on my other filling. My other dentist only every did crowns, but this new dentists can do onlays. If I have enough money left in my flex spending, I might have him later on in the year replace more my mercury fillings with composites.

It looks a nice day out and I may go out later to walk in the park, but there's more studying to do and I still have to finish my paper. I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now.

On Wednesday, I volunteered to sit on a screenwriting pitch panel at The Academy of Art College. My screenwriting teacher teaches a couple of classes there and she asks her ex-students every semester to help her out. When you sit on pitch panel, you learn a lot about how to actually deliver a pitch so it’s good training.

The guy who sat on my pitch panel with me actually got his screenplay optioned on a pitch panel. He went to some pitch panel in Hollywood, pitched his movie about a dozen times, and got a call from a couple of young producers. The young producers works for the guy who just produced Jet Li’s newest film “Unleashed”.

So my pitch panel buddy has optioned his screenplay, but said the Hollywood lawyers’ fees ate up most of it. He wanted to have a professional contract in case his script is ever made into a movie. And now he’s do rewrites for free with the young producers and he said the process is going really, really well.

Interesting huh? My pitch panel buddy said this is his sixth screenplay, and when he told me his idea I was even impressed. His screenplay is very topical and is a thriller having to do with GPS technology. It kind of reminded me of GPS technology “Panic Room” type movie, low budget but very, very exciting.

I was really happy for him, and I was like wow, someone I know actually got his screenplay bought by Hollywood. Okay, maybe not for very much money since options I hear start as low as $35,000, but still he got paid for his work. Pitch panel buddy guy didn’t want to say how much he got, but he said it wasn’t much. But if his script get made into a movie, he said his Hollywood lawyer got him a really, really good deal. He better have gotten a good deal since he said the lawyer spent 1.5 months with the producers trying to hammer out a contract.

And then I started to get depressed. Okay, maybe I got depressed because afterwards we went to the W hotel for drinks and sat on the couches in the lobby and I watched couples grope each other as they we were waiting for the lift and I was like “I want to be groped in the lobby of a nice hotel by some guy waiting for the lift and a night of some majorly serious shagging”. Okay, maybe not any guy and for god’s sake not the old wrinkly 60 year old dude who looked like he was wearing a dark brown shag rug on his heard and who was feeling up the 20 something girl, but some cute guy who was very smart an very sweet.

But no, I think I got depressed thinking I’ll never be a writer who makes a living as a writer. I mean, what are the chances of that ever happening. Sure I can get paid, but not enough to quit my job and have as my next career – creative writer. And I’m like maybe my writing is just a hobby that I have and then I don’t have to stress about ever finishing anything. I can just start projects and never finish and not worry. But that’s an even more depressing thought isn’t it?

I’m getting too involved in work again, and I hate it. Work just sucks out my creative energy, and when I get home I’m too wired and exhausted to do anything.

Somehow I got back on meeting schedule hell, where I’m in meetings constantly. I managed to get myself taken off all the meeting lists by not saying anything in meetings last year, but now I’m suddenly back on everyone’s lists. I hate it!

On Tuesday, I came into the office by 7:30 am so I could be prepared for a conference call from 8-9 am. Then I was supposed to be in another meeting from 9:30-10 am, but thankfully it got cancelled. But then at 10 am, I was pulled into a four-hour meeting from 10am-2pm, and afterwards I was pulled into yet another meeting to debrief about the four-hour meeting from 3-4 pm.

Since I came in early, I decided to leave at 4:15 pm because I was so mentally exhausted by the end of the day. But my day still hadn’t ended since I had a class from 7-10 pm that night. By the time I finally got home at 10:30 pm, I was so wired and out of sorts that I made myself go to bed. Not that going to bed early helped, because I was tossing and turning and had weird dreams all night.

I hate meetings! My company’s dysfunctional nature comes out in full force in large meetings, and especially in meeting debriefs. I hate when people say “that’s not our problem”, because I’m like, yes it is, we’re all in this together; if you let that department sink and slack off then we’ll never get this project off the ground. I actually told someone yesterday because I was so frustrated “how are we supposed to make it easier for the consumer to do business with us if we there’s no easy way to get business done internally”. The person looked at me like I was completely nuts, but I’m a big believe in “as above so below”. If your business processes internally aren’t easy, you’re never going to be able to make it easy for your external customers to do business with your company. It just ain’t every going to happen.

But I won’t get myself get worked up in my company’s dysfunctionality and politics. I’ve done that before, and it’s just too tiring to fight battles in the corporate world. It’s much easier to just go with the flow and do what you’re told to do without questions, because every time I’ve done that I’ve been promoted. Not that I want to get promoted or anything like that, although more money is always nice, but I just want to make my work life peaceful again so I can have the energy to have a creative life when I get home.

I must be processing a ton at night in my dreams because I'm having the weirdest, weirdest dreams.

On Monday I dreamt I was with a woman I used to know and we were in parking structure and trying to escape with two other women. We had sub-automatic machine guns were carrying belts of ammo. The woman I used to know who appeared in my dream is someone I used to admire very greatly. She was a doctor and dedicated runner, and the nicest person. I lost touch with her years ago so it was weird for her to appear in a dream of mine. She was a tough cookie of a girl, but very fair minded.

Around 3 am last night before I woke up, I dreamt that my best friend from grade school had brought me a birthday cake was singing Happy Birthday to me. This is a girl who moved away in junior high and although we went to the same high school, she and I moved in separate crowds and didn't have much to do with each other. Why the woman was in my dream when I haven't thought about in years probably is a mystery. She said she had forgotten all my birtdays and wanted to make up for it. Weird, weird, weird!

Later this morning before my alarm went off, I dreamt I was at a Starfbombs in Paris and they had run out of milk for my grande latte. The american owner told me that the french don't put milk in their coffe so they weren't bothered that they were out of milk. I was upset and I started arguing with the woman, but I didn't lose my temper. And then later on in the dream I came back to apologize.

Then in another part of the dream, I was somewhere on the British railway system on a train with a bunch of people trying to get to London so we could make in time for the London showing of "Revenge of the Sith". We pulled into some station and I heard the announcer mention that it was a transfer point for all these stations including the Gatwick Airport. I couldn't remember where we were supposed to transfer to get to Heathrow, and when I turned my friend were gone.

I assumed they had gotten off the train, but when I exited the train I couldn't see them. In the dream I was panicking and thinking I'll miss the new Stars Wars movie, I won't make it to Heathrow and I'll be lost forever on the British Railway system.

I wouldn't consider the being lost dream a nightmare, but more like annoyances in my life that I absolutely hate; no lattes and not knowing where I'm going and getting lost.

This greek drama paper is going to harder to write than I thought. It's supposed to be due tomorrow, but my teacher said we could also turn it in next week when we have the final.

I mean, I know what I want to say but do I want to spend the next four hours trying to write it or do I write a littel bit every day and turn it in next week. Ideally, I'd like to turn my paper in tomorrow and then spend the rest of the week studying for the final but I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to write a good paper. I feel so lazy right now!

Maybe I posted this already, I can't remember but here's a short two page paper I wrote on a sermon by Bernard of Clairvaux (1090 – 1153) "Father of Western Mysticism" and a christian saint canon by Pope Alexander III in 1174.

Bernard of Clairvaux (1090 – 1153)
Sermon: On David and Goliath

Biblical Text

Then he took his staff in his hand, and chose five smooth stones from the wadi, and put them in his shepherd’s bag, in the pouch; his sling was in his hand, and he drew nearer to the Philistine. (NRSV, 1 Samuel 17:40)

What the biblical text says
The book of 1 Samuel is a historical narrative, which shows the changes taking place in the leadership of Israel from the Judges to the monarchy of Saul and David, and the establishment of the House of David dynasty.

I believe the text is straightforward, and tells us that David chose weapons that he was used to carrying as a shepherd to do battle with Goliath.

Stones were plentiful in the area, and small stones were used in a sling as a long-range weapon.

What Bernard of Clairvaux says
Clairvaux says “the law is spiritual and has been written for our learning, not only to delight us with a history of external events as with the contemplation of a beautiful exterior surface, but also and more particularly to nourish our minds with the sweetness of its mystical signification”.

Clairvaux uses an allegory and preaches on the mystical meaning of each element in the David and Goliath story.

Goliath is meant to symbolize sin, and Clairvaux says that Goliath is the sin of a type of pride. Since Goliath was the Philistine’s greatest warrior, Clairvaux makes the case that Goliath represent pride. For Clairvaux, pride is the greatest of sins, the people of God are very prone to pride, and pride shows up when all other sins have been defeated.

Clairvaux assumes that we are in always in constant battle and warfare against sin, and that like David we must defeat Goliath, the sin of pride.

Clairvaux then goes on to talk about what happened earlier in the story, when Saul offered David his armor and weapons. He likens Saul’s battle gear to worldly wisdom and the tradition of philosophers, and he says that these are useless weapons in our battle against sin.

Clairvaux states that we should reject worldly wisdom and the tradition of philosophers, just as David rejected Saul’s armor and rely solely God and be armed with our faith alone.

Clairvaux then goes on to say that the five smooth stones that David picks up represent the “fivefold word of God”:
1) the word of warning,
2) the word of promise,
3) the word of charity,
4) the word of example,
5) the word which relates to prayer.

He then says when we are attacked by the sin of pride, we should use the five stones or “fivefold word of God” to defeat sin, to defeat pride, in whatever order they come to us, and if one stone fails to keep using them until one of them works.

When we are confronted with pride we should think of 1) the word of warnings which are the threats from God; or 2) the word of promise which are God’s promise and covenant with us; or 3) the word of charity or God’s loving actions towards us; or 4) the word of example which means to reflect on the lives of the saints; and if all fails, 5) the word which relates to prayer, in other words, “apply thyself to prayer with all the fervour that canst command.”

Clairvaux concludes by saying that if we want to kill Goliath, the sin of pride with it own sword as did David, we need to create a “feeling of elation” in our minds and “a reason for greater humility”, so we can condemn ourselves as proud people and become afterwards more humble and less conceited. If we can do that, Goliath, the sin of pride will be defeated.

Was the Word faithfully preached?
As much as I like this sermon for its creative attempt to make the historical biblical text more meaningful, I do not believe that you can assign the kind of symbolism to the five stones that Clairvaux has done. There is nothing in the Bible to support such a claim, and while his advice is eminently practical on what to do when facing sin, Clairvaux’s allegory fails when you try to relate the word stone to “fivefold promise of God”.

If you wanted to really stretch it you could say, the word of warnings come from stone used as weapons, the word of promise comes from the Ten Commandments being printed on stone tablets, and the word of charity could be God providing stones for housing. For the words of example and prayer, it becomes increasingly difficult to take the stone symbolism and apply them to charity and prayer without sounding like you’re making it all up.

This is why I have to stop taking classes. Instead of working on finishing my novel, I have to spend tonight writintg an 8-10 page paper for my greek drama class.

I'm comparing Eugene O'Neill's trilogy play "Mourning Becomes Electra" to Aeschylus' Oresteia. I picked the paper topic so it's something I want to write about, but this kind of writing is sooo not creative writing!

So I've spent about an hour looking for a scene from my "Changing Timelines" novel that I thought I had typed out. I looked on my palm and on my computer and it was gone. I was so pissed thinking I had accidentally deleted it. But then I decided to check my pile of handwritten writing and it was there.

I thought I had typed that whole story and I guess sometime in January, I decided to for a few days to write some of it out. I was so happy because I hate when I delete stuff and I've done it before and been severely bummed out.

I managed to type 866 words on Thursday for chapter 12 of my Texas novel on Thursday at the Starfbombs across from The Curran Theatre. My goal was to type 500 words as I only had 45 minute, but I got to 866. And it's a good 866 too. It wasn't all painful coming, but very easy and fluid once I started typing.

I dragged my laptop to work and made the mistake of carrying it in my backpack. Big mistake. Stupid backpack wouldn't fit underneath my chair at the theatre, so I had sit all squished in my seat with my backpack between my legs.

My boss has this great Tumi bag that she carries her laptop in when she comes for the day from the LA. It's the perfect size because it's small and looks like it fits about anywhere. It costs about $300 when I went to price it at the Tumi store, but that's a minor detail I guess. I might have to buy it someday if I don't find a cheaper alternative to carrying my laptop around.

I watched Eugene O'Neill's play "A Moon for the Misbegotten" on Thursday night. It's such a great play, but towards the end when there was this intense speech where the character is pouring his guts out on stage, some guy starts snoring and cellphone of the man sitting next to me goes off. I wanted to laugh out out and add further to the hilarity of the moment. Talk about a play for the misbegotten.

I think someone nudged the snoring guy finally because after a couple of minutes he stopped. I can imagine what the actor must have thought if he had actually heard the person snoring in the midst of this intense speech.

We used to say in the growth and development seminars I usd to go to, that when a person falls asleep it's because they can't handle the information that they're listening to so their brain has to immediately shut off and the person goes to sleep. Guess the snoring person couldn't handle a drunken character telling another character why he thinks he's messed up.

It was hard to watch myself since I dated someone who was a bit like that and had to experience the same thing one night a long time ago. Some people drink for fun, some people drink to escape and there's a fine line between the two before you cross the top of the bell curve into addiction.

Actualy there's a scene from David Lynch's "The Straight Story" that shows a character telling another character why he drinks. It's the most honest depiction of casual alcoholism I've seen in a movie. It's straight talk and frightening in its honesty and humanity.