I tried to write my short story which I'm calling 'Shopping Center Carnival". It was hard. My character is a 13 year old girl with an alcoholic dad and shell shocked mom. They're poor and I think at 13 years old, it's really traumatic to be poor because that's the age you really get caught up in the money thing, if it doesn't hit you sooner. Scratch that. It does hit you sooner, but it's like you're not quite aware of the significance of your status until you hit adolescence.

Then for some reason, writing it made me sad. This character has the most wretched circumstances. My own childhood wasn't this bad, but that's how the character is coming out. It's all really depressing. I'm also listening to Ultra by Depeche Mode, so maybe I'm adding to my own misery. Maybe I need to play happier music.

I think love is a funny thing. Sometimes you're so into and it 's such a blast and such a trip and other times, it's like "ehh, whatever". I had a friend Karl and he said he could be in a couple as long as he had alot of down time and alone time. I'm wondering if I'm the say way. I went out last night and now I just feel this intense need to cocoon and be alone, to listen to my own thoughts and to block out everybody else's.

Well, at least I did write a littlie bit. I may have to start frequenting cafes again. When I wrote in cafes, I wrote alot because I felt like I needed to write something to justify my existence for benig in a cafe, on a school night when I could be at home, listening to my cds or watching TV.

I wonder if I'm too practical to fall in love. I keep thinking if it's not easy and stress free, I totally don't want anything to do with it. Love should be easy and everything should fall into place, like you're in the zone or something. And right now, there's alot of struggle and stress going on and I hate that. This is not a good sign.

I was reading my horoscope today and it said I'm the type of person, who won't get involved in a relationship unless I'm successful in some way. That sounds so true for me. I know part of me thinks that I'm like totally worthless unless I'm a published and well paid author, and I won't be able to think about falling in love and bieng in a relationship till this happens. Which means of course I'm doomed and fucked, because it might not ever happen.

It's funny to me. People in my writing class think I'm disciplined, but I'm really not, at least not how I'd like be discplined anyway.

Sometimes writing is so hard. How do you trust the voice that's speaking to you and telling you a story? Sometimes character start stories and never finish them. It's hard to tell whether you're getting a whole story or just a snippet or a life.

I feel very sad too, like something has happened to one of my friends or will happen. I don't get that anything will happen to me, but that something will happen, something not that great, for one of my friends. I just can't tell who. Sometimes I hate that I get intuitive flashes. Like how do you know if they're true? How do you know you're not like Russell Crowe in that movie, A Beautiful Mind", and talking to yourself and having one big delusion.

God, I so related to that part of the movie. Sometimes I feel like I'm living on a huge delusion and all of my friends know it but won't tell me. It's a terrible feeling.

Wow, there was an earthquake in SF tonight and I was in a bar having drinks with some people from my screenwriting seminar and I didn't even feel it. What a shock! When I checked my cell phone messages, I got frantic calls from friends wondering if I was okay. Actually, I'm glad I missed it because earthquakes freak me out anyway.

Another surprise. People in my screenwriting class are fun to hang out with. It's so hard to tell in a class whether you're going to like anyone and when you're in a writing class, it's even harder, at least for me anyway. As a writer, I am incredibly insecure about my writing and this insecurity translates into everything. When I'm in a new writing class for the first time, I'm always in fear of everyone in the class until I get to know them. And even then, it's still hard because these people will be reviewing your work, they're your critics and consequently, they can be your worst nightmare.

You never like anyone, you always think people are criticizing you and when someone comments on your work, it's like they've stabbed you right in the heart sometimes. Your art is like your baby and they're stepping on it and saying how confusing and bad it is. These aren't exactly the right conditions to develop friendship or love for that matter.

But when you do eventually go out with your fellow writers, you find out they're just as insecure about their writing as you are, and they're human like you are too and not the bad freaky people you thought they were. Which is a nice surprise I think.

I haven't written for a week and although I feel like I've deserved my one week vacation, I feel bad for not writing. I feel bad for not doing the thing that I think I've found after all these years that I really do love, the one thing in the world that I really want to do well and succeed in, and the only way I have to really express myself.

But with this urge to write, comes a lot of caution. Like do I want to bring people and events into my life that will threaten this new love that I've found? If I fall in love and meet the man of dreams, will he take away from my love of writing, because I'll have to spend time with this man? Will I still be able to devote all my free time to writing or research for my stories or will I have to choose between my writing and my boyfriend? I don't know if I'm strong enough to make that decision. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not let anything and anybody get in the way of my writing.

And will the man of my dreams understand my need to write, the time I need to write, the time I need to research, the time I need to just be myself so I can recharge my creative batteries? I don't know and I'm afraid that somewhere along the line, I'll get lost along with my writing.

And I don't know if I could survive losing myself and my writing again. But I don't know if I can survive living much longer without being in love and being part of a couple. It feels like these two issues will come head to head in my life sooner than later, like maybe before the summer is out. And I know I will have to choose but I'm praying to have the best of both worlds; the love of my life, my lifetime soul partner who supports me in my writing. And at this point in my life, I know I won't put up with anything less.

God, I love being in love. This is the first time I think I've ever enjoyed having a crush on someone, but then my crush guy is so cute and pretty close to perfect. It's like I dreamed him up or something. Too bad, it's going to end in a week or so and I'll probably never ever see him again. It was such a trip to fall for this guy, such a rush. But like all crushes, I don't even know if the guy even likes me or even knows I exist.

But this crush is so fun that I don't want to spoil it by getting to know the guy. God, what if he's not what I've pictured him to be. I'd be so bummed. I just want to enjoy the experience of being in love and in crush and I don't want to deal with reality and dating and all the other crap that goes along with really falling in love.

I don't think this guy is the one, more like a precursor to the real one, but god, if this is any indication of what falling in love with the one will be like, I say bring it on, I"m ready.

I'll miss this crush guy lots, but I can't wait for the real one to show up in my life. And I just have this good feeling that he's going to show up soon, real soon.

I saw The Rookie with Dennis Quaid. It's such a cute movie although I think the movie reviewers were right when they said that Dennis Quaid is too old to be playing the role of Jim Morris. Still, he's a likable every man kind of guy that he makes you believe in the character. And what's so great is The Rookie is based on a true story. I love how real life is so much more bizarre than a writer can every make it. If this movie was fictional, the audience wouldn't buy it. But this movie was about a real man's story, so it's even more fable like, even though it is totally based on reality.

I like how life sometimes is like so far out, so unbelievable, that if you actually filmed it, people would think you were making it up. I wish my life was like this. So unbelievable, that I wouldn't even believe it if I were to watch it as a movie. I wonder what it would be like to live a miraculous life. It hasn't happened to me so far. But perhaps there's always hope, there's always that dream that my life will suddenly all work out and I'll fall in love for real and meet the hottie of my dreams and fantasies and he'll think I'm the best thing since sliced bread and we'll fall in love and get married and have a beautiful little boy named Riley. Only in my wildest fantasies and dreams.

My new dating theory although it's an update of my old one, is you have a pretty good idea when you first hook up with someone whether it's going to work. Then you need to date at least for three months or 90 days to find out how well it's going to work. Some relationships work way better than others. If at the end of the 90 day period, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with that person then it's time to move on because anything else is just honestly a big waste of time for you and for him.

If the guy isn't dying to have me move in with him at the end of 90 days, I leave. Sometimes it takes awhile, but eventually I leave. What's the point? He's kidding himself and you if he doesn't know whether he wants to live with you at end of 90 days. I think most guys know this already, but whether they admit it or not is another issue. Sometimes guys get comfortable and will just hang around because they don't have any places else to go and it's not so bad for them.

Brian was the only guy who was the most honest with about how he felt about me and the both of us together. He had no fear of telling me the truth, even when he knew it would hurt us both. I think it takes a really strong man to be honest and Brian was definitetly strong. I trusted him with my life. I knew that in a life or death situation, Brian would always do the right thing and put my well being first. He would put anyone's well being first before his own, not just mine, but then Brian was a pretty darn spectucular and honorable guy. Who knows if there other guys like him that exist out in the world, or in the SF Bay Area. Brian is a fifth generation Texas native, so maybe this lineage accounts for his strength and honour. He was definitely more a 19th century kind of guy than a modern guy anyway, at least as far as his values.

I wonder if I will ever find a Brian type guy again in my life. I hope so.