Wow, it's been awhile, so let's catch up.

I saw Monsoon Wedding on Monday at the Embarcadero Cinema with a friend of mine. We thought it wouldn't be crowded but the theatre was packed. God, I loved the movie. It made me think of my hindu indian days with my bindis and saris and punjabi outfit and my hair down to my butt. I forgot how much indian people love marigolds.

The movie was so well written and so universal even though it took place a world away in New Dehli. The family could have been any family preparing for a daughter's wedding. I loved the extended family scene because my family used to be like that when I was little, before everyone scattered and went their separate ways.

Then of course since we saw an indian movie, we had to go eat indian food at Gaylord's, which was right across the way. I don't remember ever eating, even though I'm sure I have. The food was good though, very good.

On Wednesday, my Palm Vx arrived so I've been spending my nights cruising the Net for applications to add to my Palm. After loading half a dozen apps, I decided that Handango was a good app to get so I bought it. It's a simple database application, where you can make up databases yourself for things you want to track. That's why I bought the Palm anyway, so I could track things better and not have two or three Hello Kitty notebooks in my purse.

I'm sure there are alot of other good apps out there that people have builty specifically for the Palm, but you have to pay for it and I'm like, NO WAY, I am not paying. Even Palm Quicken cost $40, like OH MY GOD, how expensive. Most the trial databases I loaded, I totally hated anyway. I paid $30 for Handango, but at least I can build databases my way. I used to build database apps for a living, so it's not like I don't know what I'm doing.

These are the things I want to track on my Palm.

Book to buy or read or both
Expenses - cash, ATM, check and credit card transactions
Things to buy other than books
CDs to Buy
Movies I’ve seen/rented
Plays I’ve seen rented
Grocery List - things I need to buy for the house
Wines to Buy
And NOTES - notes about things I want to remember.

I even found a palm app to write stories with and a story board for movies. I think I might just build my own apps though. I'm thinking I could build a Palm App to mimic a screenplay spine and a conflict matrix. I bet I could even build a palm app to track projects I'm working on, since I haven't seen a project tracking database for Palm that I really like.

The hardest thing now is transferring all the information from my other books to the Palm. This process is going to take about a month or so I think. I tempted to always carry a little Hello Kitty book though, but I know if I do that, I'll start using it instead of the Palm and I want to give the Palm a fair chance to work in my life. I'm even thinking of naming the Palm and calling him Morris the Palm, but I think Morris is too casual of a name. My Palm is more like a butler type dude so he needs a butler type dude name like Mr. Harry, Mr. Henry, Mr. Blakefield, mister somebody. I should just wait till my palm tells me his name. I'm sure he has a name and it's an english name too, because aren't all butlers English?

What else? I'm listening to Jim Rome and his take on the steroid scandal in baseball and the threat of a baseball stoppage. Then there's all this talk about the LA Lakers and the Sacremento Kings. I like the Lakers but they've already won two or three championships under Phil Jackson. It would be nice to see somebody else win for once. I mean the Lakers and becoming like the Yankees, like an automatic to win because of their talent and their payroll. The Sacramento Kings is a small market team in a no name town with probably half or less than half the payroll of the Lakers. At least this series has made NBA basketball interesting. It's not about doing the dunks anymore, but more like college. It's all about defense and making those 25 ft 3 point jumpers from the field. All that dunking was making basketball so boring because alot of the shotmaking was happening under the basket where it's hard for a fan to see because all the players are in the way.

What else? I think after all these years I've finally decided what kind of guy I want in my life. At least for the first time in my life, I've been able to finally formulate what kind of guy I really want. At least for now. And it's a surprise too because it's not the type of guy I ever thought I wanted or needed. I'm still processing it all because I only came up with the definition yesterday and I think it's still subject to change because it's so new and different, different from the kind of guy I've been dating and falling in love with all these years. It's not like this type of guy hasn't been in my life, because he has, I just didn't know this was the kind of guy I wanted. And there is even a guy like this in my life, who's almost perfect, but not quite.

One thing is clear, I want the guy I eventually marry to know deep in his bones, his heart, his soul, his body and his mind, that I'm the one. Anything else is unacceptable, which is why the current guy in my life, although he's damn close to perfect as I've ever seen in a man, isn't the one for me. He doesn't think I'm the one or at least he doesn't act like it, so although I wouldn't mind hooking up with him, I won't do it beacuse it would be a waste of both of our times. Besides, I like him too much to just date him knowing it wouldn't be permanent. To date knowing you're just going to break up is mean to me and although I've done it in the past, it's always been messy for me and the guy and I usually end up with some guy telling me "you ripped my heart out" and me staring blankly at him, because it's not like I meant to, I just knew it wouldn't be permanent. And that's the mean thing I guess, because I knew the relationship had a expiration date like milk. It's such bad karma on my part and I think I've been paying for this nasty behaviour in the last few years.

I'm still reeling from seeing Michel Tremblay's "For the Pleasure of Seeing Her Again." The play was uneven but funny as heck and much to my surprise, I cried during the last scene. The play is about Tremblay's homage to his mother, a typical crazy mother type.

There was something about that last scene, where the mother comes in dressed in a nightgown and says to the son something like "You'll take of your father when I'm gone." Olympia Dukakis managed to convey so much in that one line. Right away I knew that the mother was dying and the sentiment of her line made me cry. I didn't cry during the whole scene, the middle portion was a little boring, but I cried at the end when the mother takes off in a basket up into the sky.

And I was in awe. I wish I could write lines like that where I could make someone like myself in the audience, a person that doesn't cry easily, cry like a baby. Especially about such an intense subject like a parent dying. I want to add killer crying lines like that to my baseball screenplay.

I am itching to rewrite it but I promised I would wait a month before doing it. Perhaps it was good advice because now that I've seen this play, I want to take what I've learned from watching this play and translate it back to my screenplay.

I don't think I show enough love between the prodigal son and the father during the screenplay. I show alot of the bitterness between the two but not enough of the love. Watching Tremblay's play taught me that.

God, I miss my love Brian. I wonder how he is doing and where he's working and if he's happy. I wonder if I will ever find anyone who will tell me the truth of things the way he did, if any man will ever tell me the truth of what he really feels the way Brian did, even all the nasty evil stuff that I knew he never wanted me to know. He must have had a Sagitarius rising or moon to go along with his Virgo perfection. Only Brian made me believe that I felt inside intuitively was right. He confirmed all my intuitions and gave truth to what I thought were just my own delusions. But then he was quite exceptional that way. Never afraid to tell me what he really felt, even though in telling there might be pain, for either himself or me or the both of us.

I know that where ever he is and who he's with, he's happy in his own way. He's very practical in that respect, able to tuck away the past in some forgotten corner of his mind, to be looked at only in unguarded quiet times.

I told him we would be happy together one day in another life and he was so sweet when he said, when will that be?

We were so different and there were so many circumstances keeping us apart. And he was such a romantic, too romantic for us to ever be friends afterwards, because being friends with me he said, was impossible. It was togetherness or nothing at all. I think now we both couldn't let go of the dream and so we just abandoned it, because it was easier that way. And we moved on.

But he still haunts my dreams sometimes although I too have tucked him away in some forgotten corner of my mind, only to be looked at in unguarded moments like now.

When I wonder how he is and if he's happier without me and does he miss just a little bit the way I miss him.

And I still wonder every day since our last conversation, whether I find another love who tells me that what I feel is real, because he feels it too, who will tell me the truth of his feelings and not hide away in the name of protection and fear of having his heart ripped out.

So my crush is finally over and I'm happy about it. The cutie hottie guy who I was having a crush on is turning out to be a nice and supportive friend, too much of a friend for me to really have a crush on I guess, so the crush disappeared. But it's great because now I have this like super nice really cute guy as a friend and what girl wouldn't want that.

This guy, this cute guy is so supportive of me. He gave my screenplay a great review and his comments were very insightful. I think he kind of likes me because he introduced me to his friends as this "disciplined screenwriter with a million ideas" which I'm so not, but it was sweet of him anyway. I think this means he admires me, but who knows. Still, it was a nice way to introduce me, I mean he could have said worse things.

He's just such a nice guy and so cute as heck to boot and nice cute guys for friends are hard to find. He'll make a great boyfriend for some lucky girl some day, just not me. But that's okay, because he's a friend. And you want your friends to be happy and you want them to have everything they've ever wanted.

So my search for love and companionship continues.