Everyone is talking about Mel Gibson's movie The Passion of the Christ, and of course I want to see it being raised a catholic and all. "The Passion" is like The Stations of the Cross at Easter come to life ... how cool is that!

We used to go to church every Friday starting the week of Ash Wednesday to do "Stations of the Cross". It never affected me till I was in my hormonal crazy teenage years. I have memories of myself at age 13, balling my eyes out during the whole service, suffering and weeping with JC, wincing at every fall, wishing I was the one who wiped his forehead, pledging my body, heart, mind, soul, and my life to JC forever!

Those were my "high holy catholic girl days", when all I wanted to be was a nun. I remember praying fervently every night for "stigmata" because that meant you were really chosen to be one with JC and suffer with him. Or alternatively fantasizing I was Mary Magdalene and singing to JC "I don't know how to love him", and dreaming about pouring oil and humming "don't you know everything all right, yes everything's fine."

Of course once I hit the age of 15 all of that changed, and I became a "cool left wing intellectual" questioning believer who despised bourgeois middle class values like religion and wore a french beret.

And well that changed again when I turned 16, and decided that what I really needed was to find myself an indian hindu guru so I could do yoga, eat almonds, be a vegetarian and meditate in India or the Himalayas and wear cool hippie outfits.

I cried my heart out at age 13 for Stations of the Cross, so I'll probably be a basket case when I see "The Passion".

I was so depressed and freaked out last night, I started reading Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross.

This book brought so much comfort to me during my depression times. I haven't read this book in years, but as soon as I started reading it I felt better. One of the reviewers from Amazon said she couldn't understand it at first, but I totally related to the book the first time I opened it up. It's definitely not for everyone, and my catholic background definitely helps me to understand it.

I wonder if I am going through a "dark night of the soul". It's only happened to me once before and afterwards, I changed my life around 360 degrees twice. I'm not sure I want to go through that level of change again, but I might have to if I am going through a "dark night" phase again.

Here's a good article on two of the intellectual loves of my life, Christopher Hitchens and Thomas Friedman, The Liberal Hawks.

I'm adding it to my list of labels, "Brenda Elfgirl the Liberal Hawk". Even former peace doves will fight when attacked. I still haven't read or heard any cogent arguments for the other side that can stand up to Hitchens and Friedman.

My fantasy is to write fiction and stories as well these two can argue and write.

**For Hitchens, a confirmed atheist, the real war, the ongoing war, is ages older. “I think everything is a clash between secularism and religion – my original allegiance to the left was on this point,” he said. “You hear (the left) saying ‘Well, we mustn’t offend Muslims.’ Do they think the Muslims will return the compliment? Do they think the Muslims will recognize gay marriages? Yes, actually they do."**

Stress is good for one thing; weight loss. I've lost 8 pounds since February 4.

My new goal weight is 126 pounds, which will be first thing I get up in the morning weight, but more like 130-132 pounds if I were to weigh myself during the day.

Ediets.com says I can get there by June, and I'm hoping they're right.