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Sunday, July 18, 2004

For the 9/11 conspiracists, here's what The NY Post had to say about Alex Jones:

NOTHING NEW

MICHAEL Moore's anti-Bush film "Fahrenheit 9/11" isn't even original. Two years ago, "9/11: The Road to Tyranny," a real documentary by Alex Jones, had most of the "facts" Moore uses in his scatter-shot diatribe. Jones, who is less interested in making money than the self-aggrandizing Moore, released his film for free on his Web site www.infowars.com, where it drew legions of new fans, including producer Curt Johnson, who is hiring Jones as a consultant on a political action thriller titled "Wake Up.", NY Post on Alex Jones.

I've heard this guy speak over the years, and he's great! This is his website, Alex Jones. He's been harping on the 9/11 Bush Conspiracy for two years, long before Mr. Moore. Here's a link to his 9/11 conspiracy page, 911: THE ROAD TO TYRANNY. There's a link on the right where you can watch 40 minutes of his 9/11 Bush conspiracy film.
I think I've been depressed for primarily two reasons:

1) This month is the one-year anniversary of my grandma' death. I forgot about it and just remembered it today. It's not the kind of thing I ever wanted to have an anniversary for, but it's there. I smelled grandma smells in my living room today too. Usually if she's visiting me, my kitchen smells like her but today she was in the living room. How spooky is that!

2) I haven't been sleeping well lately. I fell asleep in an odd position a couple of weeks ago, and my upper back has been hurting. I tried switching pillows, but that didn't help. At my monthly acupuncture appointment on Saturday, I told my chinese doctor and he asked me if I snored and I said yes, it's an inherited bad trait. He said snoring meant that I never get enough sleep every night, so he did a treatment for snoring. I had needles in my throat, so scary! Aferwards he told me that my chi was stuck around my heart area, or my heart chakra, he did a massage on it and then gave massage on my upper back.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like a had my first good night of sleep in weeks, and my upper back stopped hurting. But then I decided I needed to sleep more, so I stayed in bed all day and listened to old shows of this radio program I subscribe to via streamlink.

Then I was thinking that the reason my upper back was hurting was because my chi was stuck in my heart chakra, which meant the chi couldn't escape out of my wing chakras on the back. I had my wing chakras (charkas 11 & 12) opened up at a seminar a couple of years ago. Most people have it but you have it have it opened by someone who knows how. Whatever. I'm just the doctor released me chi, although when I massage my heart center, it stil hurts and he said I needed to keep massaging that spot so the chi keeps flowing.

But as much I have physical problems, other people have it worse. While I was writing out my check at the acupuncture clinic, a woman came in and said her husband had so much back pain that he couldn't get out of bed. She asked the acupuncture doctor if he could see her husband. I could tell she had just walked right off the street and into the clinic because my doctor didn't even know her name, and neither did his wife. They were nice though, and gave the woman's husband a 3 pm appointment. Poor guy! He was in so much pain, he couldn't get out of bed. That's bad. My acupuncture guy is very good though and I almost felt like telling the woman that she picked a good clinic, but I didn't want to embarrass my doctor.

Friday, July 16, 2004

I guess I haven't been very chatty lately. I've been very down. Heck I started tearing up during Spiderman 2. I don't usually let myself get depressed, but it's been hard to avoid this week. I hate when I'm not cheerful and sunny and optimistic.

Hopefully this funk of mine will pass soon. I can't even really pin down a specific thing that's wrong, other than it feels like my whole life is just one big mistake. I'm defintely stressed out and when I'm stressed out I eat and eat and don't stop. And I crave chocolate when I'm stressed and nothing else will do.

I was so stressed out I had to buy a pack of ciggieliciouses and smoked them. I only do that when I'm extremely stressed. Thank god I smoked the whole pack, because the whole thing was making me seriously ill. Then I went to work on Thursday completely hung over. I haven't done that in years. How embarrassing! I'm sure my cubemates were just freaking out at it. I was seriously hurling in the bathroom, because lately when I drink too much (which isn't very often) I throw up my food. My tummy gets so jittery that I can't hold any food down.

I am way too old to be having hangovers. I have to keep to the 2-3 drink minimum. I'm still recovering from the whole thing, and my stress level is still high and I still feel wigged out, creeped out and way too jumpy.
I saw Spiderman 2 this evening.  It was a really good movie, much better than I expected.  Alfred Molina was so good in his role, but I keep picturing as the uptight husband in "Enchanted April" and the uptight government official in "Chocolat".
 
I was so relating to Peter Parker's dilemma of wanting to lead a normal life.  I've been feeling like that for a few weeks, wishing I was more like other people.  I think it's the curse of being an enneagram type 4 - the artist, with a 5 wing - the intellectual.
 
I'm creative, but I'm also very left brained and analytical.  It's a strange combo, and not very common from what I can tell.  I always feel that no matter what I do, I live in two worlds.  I'm not thing or another, but both.  It's an odd way to be, and I end up feeling isolated and lonely much of the time. 
 
Plus, it doesn't help that I'm not happy in my job.  The work is good and the people are nice, but I had a nasty experience and I don't know how to get over it.  The head of my group got really mad at me for something, when all I was trying to do prevent her from making an fool out of herself.  She yelled at my boss, who then gave me the third degree the next morning.  I don't mind that the head of the group yelled at my boss, which made my boss yell at me, but she didn't apologize.
 
She's the first manager I've had that hasn't apologized even when she found out she was wrong.  But then most of my bosses have been men, and I think I just don't know how to deal with women in positions of power.  My only experience of women in power was on the school, and it feels like I'm back in highschool and the "Heathers are in charge".
 
Whatever.  I'm never going to be able to stop being who I am, and stop doing what comes naturally.  Peter Parker figured that out in the movie and dealt with it.  I guess I just need to do the same.