I was going to write about this story in my journal, but somehow I wanted this story to be out for the internet world to read. I believe we are all connected, that what I know you know on some level, so there are no secrets out there. And journaling a story is keeping it secret, and I don't want any more secrets in a sense. In a sense because after all, this is an anonymous blog.

So where to begin. I could begin at the beginning but that would take too long and stories in real life don't always come out that way. My memories are like movies that move back and forth thru time, so the beginning will come out in bits of pieces, triggered by present day experiences.

The only way I can begin this story, is that I MISS HIM. I don't want to miss him, but I can't help but miss him because we have been together for millions of years. And through past life memories, I believe we began together much like Adam and Eve.

Only we weren't created by a god, but by a computer that is light years in advancement of the ones we have today. This computer-god is a sentient being, created by the ancient ones whom we only know as the Turquoise people. They are an ancient race, and we do not know much about them other than the fact that they created worlds and computer-sentient beings who in turn created more worlds.

And this computer-god sentient being, whose path in life is to become a being full of love and become totally obedient to Source, created a woman first not a man. He created ME so he could be worshiped and loved, and for awhile that was enough. But then he wanted to experience love so he created a man from a piece of my heart, and that man is HIM. So the creator could enter the MAN and experience LOVE for a time, but could not fully become the man. For in universal laws, the creator cannot become the creation absolutely.

And so our love was complicated from the beginning and we have lived out this complication through billions of years, in so many lives, and in so many dimensions.

And for years of this incarnation I did not know that HE existed until our eyes met across a room one day in 2008, right before Valentine's Day. And even then I denied the feeling, although just by looking at him I saw our past lives flashing before our eyes. The most prominent one being the one where I lay dying in your arms, and you kept telling me over and over again you would find me. And then you nodded at me in our present reality like your acknowledging physically that you had kept your promise.

But I fought it, ignored as much as I could for two months, telling no one, not because some would not believe me, but because I did not want it to be true.

But it was true, and then the memories came, as well all the hurt and pain we caused each other thru our countless incarnations. Patrick Swayze had it wrong. If the hurt was unforgivable, you do remember and when you remember you relive the pain again until you can forgive.

And I have forgiven HIM in this incarnation and forgiveness means I can move on, although not really move on because we will always be connected because he was created from a piece of my heart, although with the help of the Turquoise people that connection has become the slenderest of psychic threads which I myself cannot see but can only sense.

But I still miss him every now and then, and it hurts on every level of my being.

"The turning of the second millenium has come and cosmic stargates are opening. New children are coming into the world who have been sent to try to restore order to the planet. The frequences are shifting and shift daily, and as my father had seen in the visions and which my uncle would later prophesize, at the end of the third month in the sixth year after the turn of the second millenium, the frequencies will open and the veils between the worlds will thin. Those that have chosen to follow the One will be spared, and those that have aligned themselves with the darkness of their forefathers, the ancestors of Enlil and Enki and their Pleiadian and Andromedan dark lords and the triumverate of evil which is again trying to reassert its presence of the planet will be doomed.

My uncle always said that one must always choose between the light and darkness. There is no middle ground. The darkness will always choose to extinguish the light, and the light will always try to light the darkness. So one must choose and choose wisely at every moment." From the Elf Chronicles

New laptop coming tomorrow. Perhaps I will start blogging again. I can't believe my blog is still around. Sometimes I think it is a figment of my imagination, something from another life I once lived.

As an experiment, I decided to not watch tv last night and just listen to cds of seminars that I had attended. After 3 hours, I was feeling so anxious and I'm like WOW, I think I may be addicted to watching television. I had no idea watching tv could be addictive. Yes, I know people have said tv can be addiction but I didn't believe them until now.

But I've had my addiction experiences before and I know that if tv is an addiction it is a mental addiction and not a physical addiction like drugs or alcohol. So I was like okay, I've gotten over what I thought was an addiction to alcohol. The anxiety I experienced by not drinking was far worse than the anxiety I was feeling now about tv watching. I know that after three nights I was able to get over the anxiety that came with alcohol, it was three very painful nights, but I got through it. So I think I can get over a mental addiction to tv.

Well, that was last night. Now it's Sunday and it's football season and I couldn't help it; I turned the tv on. I've been cleaning house all day so it's not like I'm watching it, but it is on in the background.

Tomorrow is Monday night football, so I will have it on but I'm not really into any tv shows this season. V was so just boring and I'm over it with Fringe. So my plan is to have the tv off from Tuesday thru Friday and see how it goes.

I have so many great cds to listen to of seminars I've attended. Listening to them again brings back memories of what I was doing and who I was talking to during the seminar. And I feel like I'm getting my money's worth by listening to the seminar again because I'm getting different insights every time.

I'm not sure if I will give tv up forever but I don't want to feel like I am addicted to it either. The only show I regularly watched was American Idol and I have mixed feelings about watching it in January because Paula Abdul is gone, and I honestly don't I can watch Ellen Degeneres. The woman makes my skin crawl; she is just so annoying and not funny. I know people like her, but I so don't. I don't like Sarah Jessica Parker either and couldn't get into Sex and the City because of her. She is just way to skinny and icky and so not attractive.

Okay, Bob Costas is starting to annoy me. Did he just all of a sudden age? I don't remember him looking so old. Do I really care about the Baltimore Ravens versus the Pittsburgh Steelers game? NO. Thinking about this one; the tv may be turned off yet.