I'm starting up writing again. But it's just so depressing. I feel like I am climbing up this huge, huge mountain and I have no idea how am I going to get up to the summit. But there's this something inside of me that says I need to keep slogging away and that it doesn't matter whether I am successful or not; the point is to keep trying.

THIS IS HUGE FOR ME! I like being successful. I have been very successful in my own way at so many things. I hate this. It's like the first time I got a C in college. Talk about shocking. I mean I got a C in art class, but that was because I couldn't draw. Getting that grade was a huge wake up call, and I never got a C again ever. I hate failure! It sucks!

Writing is such a huge process. The writing of anything is such a process. I just submitted three writing pieces for the self-published book that my writing group in Carmel wants to put out, and they were so hard to write. I felt like I was leaving pieces of my soul on the page. When I read each piece out loud to edit, I thought I was going to cry. I could hear the pain in my words, the sadness. I was reliving my own memories by reading my own writing.

And I hate getting emotional. I'm an aquarian, and I have five planets in aquarius, which means I am air sign. NO EMOTION. Emotions are weird, they are what other people have, and there I was having them.

I feel like I am back in acting class when I wrote my monologue piece, Art is Scary. The exercise was to write what we felt about our art, and I wrote "art is scary because he makes me do things I don't want to do." I left acting because I couldn't lay my soul bare on stage without a lot of work, without completely letting go. And I could let go, and I did let go, but it was so tiring, and honestly, I didn't know if I could do it night after night on stage like how you are supposed to do in acting.

So I went to writing because my acting teacher told me I could let go easier on the page than I ever could on stage. But I don't know if he was right. It's hard to let to go, and writing is way worse than acting because if you write every day it means having to let go every day. And some days I'm just way too tired to let go. Letting go taxes not only my brain but makes me get emotional, and I'm not supposed to be an emotional person.

I just got something. Okay, I'm not a normally emotional person but I understand how and why people get emotional and I'm thinking I can use this understanding somehow and translate it into my writing. There is something here for me which I have to explore.

I am just rambling now and indulging in a little, okay maybe more than a little self pity. BOO HOO for me, poor struggling writer. Thank god I've got a semi-decent job so at least I don't have a lot of economic stress in my life. Or maybe I'm just a lazy git and I just so hate writing every day. It's like exercising every day. Sometimes I'm in the mood to do it every day and sometime I'm not. Writing is getting like exercise for me. Sometimes I'm in the mood and sometimes I'm not.

It was so shocking to read this afternoon that Natasha Richardson had passed on. She was so young, way to young to die. I had a skiing accident while taking my first ski lesson on the kiddie slopes and it messed up my knee so bad, that I haven't been able to really run because of the injury since that time. My left knee was pretty banged up to start from playing basketball in highschool, and then getting water in my knee from playing field hockey in college. But the ski injury was the worse.

My prayers go out to Natasha's friends and family, especially for her husband Liam Neeson and her two sons. It's so, so, very tragic.

I am really getting into American Idol this year. I was a little bit into it last year, and I sort of faded after the auditions. I love the nationwide auditions which can sometimes be the best shows of the season. However this year, there are so many cuties that I am going to watch. David Cook wasn't even good looking last year till he got a new hair cut.

Memo to American Idol guys: It's a sad truth but on a not so hot guy, a good hair cut can transform you into hottie status. David Cook is a prime example. I think I read somewhere that people thought David Cook was just an ordinary schlubby looking kind of chubby dude, then he got a great hair cut and the next think you know, he wins American Idol. Not that David Archuleta wasn't cute, but he was way too young to fantasize about for the not in your teens set.

Season 8 has three decent hotties with great hair:
Danny Gokey - midwestern, great hair, great voice, love the glasses, chubby cute nerdy types with talent and an in-your-face sweet personality is any girl's fantasy. Plus, poor dude has lost his wife so he totally brings out the sympathy vote. The guy is a church choir director, can it get any better? He is a keeper in every way.

Kris Allen - wow, he is a really cute, I'd be screaming too if I was in the theater, plus the man can definitely sing and comes across as so sincere, love the tousled just got of bed gelled hair, works for me.

Adam Lambert - best hair out of all the guys, he's a rocker dude but not so dirty and drugged out or liquored up, plus unbelievable heavy metal singing voice, have you seen his parents, not sure where he got his looks from but it definitely wasn't them or that dad of his just has so let himself go in his middle age.

I love Anoop Desai, the guy can sing and it's so fun that he' s hindu india because it's kind of their year with "Slumdog Millonaire" getting the Oscar and Bobby Jindal become one of the up and coming stars of the GOP. But I don't think Anoop is going to win because he just doesn't have the stage presence of Danny, Kris or Adam. Those guys know how to work a stage all the time, and with Anoop it's just hit or miss.

I'm thinking it's going be an all guy top 5 which is fine by me.

Speaking of the guys, when some of them stand next to Ryan Seacrest you get to see how short and skinny that man really is. OMG, Anoop and Adam totally tower over him and they look so much bigger next to him.

And Simon is adorable as ever. I think he wants to date Paula but that would be such an odd match because they are so different. Love the new judge although I think can be as cruel as Simon.

I loved that the guys sang Michael Jackson songs. It's so weird to hear Michael Jackson songs sung by guys with more masculine voices. The songs are so different and they have such a different vibe.

How much money do you think the American Idol producers and iTunes are getting for selling the songs and performances. I didn't get into buying the songs or videos last year, but I am lining their pockets this year. I wonder if the contestants are getting money for these songs and performances.

I was a huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fan in my younger days and thought I had read all of his works, but I don't remember his short story "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I might have to find this story at the library and read it. Short stories were F. Scott's best writing pieces. His last novel really turned off towards him. He was a brilliant writer but towards the end of his career he just became a little too self-indulgent for my taste.

My new calendar shows the jewish holiday of PURIM coming up on Tuesday March 10. It reminded me of this book I read in college called "The Trial of God" by Elie Wiesel.

From a review on Amazon.com
"As with all of Elie Wiesel's work, the central premise is to explore the question of Jews and their suffering throughout history. "The Trial of God" is an interesting departure from his better-known works, in that it is a drama, a play staged during the Jewish holiday of Purim. Based on events that Wiesel witnessed while in Auschwitz, "The Trial of God" accuses the Creator of the Universe of being guilty of neglect to his chosen people. And even though the trial takes place in the seventeenth century, the modern world is very much alive in the facts and accusations."

I loved this play when I read it which was years ago, and I'm wondering if I need to read it again in honor of Purim holiday to know if my reaction might have changed with the passing years.

Check it out on amazon.com - The Trial of God by Elie Wiesel.