Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.

But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.

You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.

It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.

Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.

Last night was the first time I felt like my old self again. I don't think I've been myself since before July 21. That's sad isn't it. I even started to get freaked out again that I wasn't working hard enough on my writing. This was a good sign.

I slept through the night, and woke up not feeling anxious and not thinking about the red-haired guy and all the problems we were having. This was such a great feeling. I think the anxiety is still there, but at least it's not as strong as it used to be.

I've been dreaming a ton lately. I wonder if my anxiety stemmed from me not getting enough REM sleep, because I was so freaked about what's his face and kept waking up every four hours. I read in an article once that if you don't get enough REM sleep and dream, then you get anxious.

Whatever. At least I feel healthy and more like my old self. It feels like everything is going to work out again in my life, and I haven't felt that way since I met red-haired guy back in late July. That's a long for me not feel joy, isn't it? He hasn't called, and I bless him every day for that. Maybe he did love me just enough to let me go in peace. That's what I'd like to think anyway. I'm starting to feel happy again, and hopefully it will continue. I'd like to go back to where I was just freaking about not writing and not everything else in my life. That would be nice, really nice.

And here's my update for this week on the www.sfist.com website. This week's update even had people commenting. People feeling schadenfreude for yours truly, my cynical self says. But my sweet self is so touched by all the words of encouragement by total strangers. Isn't it sad that totally random strangers can be so sympathetic, whilst the people who we think should love us don't care?

The Glory of Words.

On the dating front, I finally ended it hopefully for the final and last time with the red-haired boy on Wednedsay November 17. I'm going on 7 days with no contact from him (this is a long time for us), so hopefully he took it to heart when I told him "I hope that you love me enough to let me go and not call." Well that and I also told him that if he starts calling again and bugging me, my cell phone company said they could change my cell number in an hour and I'd still get a 415 area code number.

The boy was just stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to break up with him on October 1, and I don't think I was really ready to end it anyway. It was an impulsive break up on my part. But six weeks have passed since then and things weren't getting any better and in fact, they were getting really boring. My experience with him in LA didn't help either, and he thought LA sucked as well.

So I just cut the chord and yes it did sting, but surprisingly it didn't hurt too much. But I've been trying to end it since October 1, so maybe I've already experienced all the hurt I was going to feel. Whenever I think of him, it feels like it's out habit more than out of any real feeling. I don't even think I ever loved him, but I guess when I said it I did at the time.

He's definitely the first guy in my life that I'm hoping I never get back together with, which is so strange because I've always wanted to get back with guys I've been in relationships with. I never thought I'd ever date a guy I wouldn't want to date again just a little bit, but I guess there's a first time for every experience. It's not that I hate him or anything like that. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm just so over the whole thing with him big time, like really big time.

So just because I've been under the weather, doesn't mean I haven't been writing or writing about writing.

I've been doing the weekly updates to the www.sfist.com website about my Nanawromo experience. Here's my update for November 15, 2004.

An Update on our Nanowrimo Writer.