I saw this article last week from the Guaurdan UK, "Top 10 Sci-Fi Films. Supposedly all these scientists came up with this list. Okay, like "Blade Runner" is a great movie but does it really rate being number one? I have friends who have told me "Blade Runner" is on their top 10 favorite movie list of all time. They all like that ending line which goes something like "And who lives forever" or something like that.

At least The Matrix made the list, and yes one of the Star Wars, and I think the movie that should have been number one, "2001 Space Odyssey", but which came in at numnber two.

Good news today! One of the places I sent my resume to called for a job interview. That's not bad huh? I applied to four jobs and two called back now for interviews. I interview next Thursday on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

I probably shouldn't be interviewing on one of the highest holy day of the jewish calendar, but it felt like a good day. The woman I spoke to and I were laughing about it. I said I know it's an important holiday because it's on my calendar but I'd forgotten what it was about, and she said she wanted to write on my application, "good sense of humor". Cute huh?

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't fly down to the OC to be with M-Square. This company has lots of offices in Southern California, so if I move down there next year hopefully I'll be able to transfer within the same company and already have a job if and when I move.

My poor M-Square. When I tune into him I keep getting the feeling that he's so afraid of losing me. I couldn't keep the hurt and disappointment out of my voice yesterday when he told me not to fly down. But it's all good. I even started remembering how easy it was to fall in love with him those two months before we met, and how meeting him just cemented my feelings.

I had this whole fantasy that we would like have a porno-type love fest in the car in the parking garage at LACMA when we got to the King Tut exhibit, or we would find some deserted spot in the exhibit and have a quickie. What a laugh! King Tut was like totally packed and we ended up parking outside. But M-Square must have had the same idea or else he picked up on thoughts because at some point while I was getting stuff out of the backseat of the care I was on all fours and he asked me "are you assuming the position?" So funny.

Then at the King Tut Exhibit he sent me desire vibes which freaked me out because meeting him after two months was just so weird. Plus he was doing the typical guy thing and totally finding any excuse to put his hands on my body, something I normally can't stand but with him it was fun and very, very erotic. And then when we walked down to the beach from his place to watch the sunset, he held my hand going down the stairs and I was like "Ahhhhh, just like in the love movies." And then I spoiled the moment by stepping in the dog pooh, and then I started freaking out because I was afraid of ruining my shoes.

And then our final goodbye kisses were so hot! From our goodbye kiss I finally understood that phrase "they kissed like lovers on the edge of a void" ...such good memories!

I hope this job pays more than what I'm making because it will cost me about $150 to commute to work now instead of the $45 I pay now. I really, really like this company that I will be interviewing with. There are doing well and they have about 30-40% of the California health insurance market. I asked a really, really good friend of mine who is a pediatric nurse about this company, and she said the company is doing some great things. My ex-boss from two jobs ago also works for the company but not at their corporate office.

I'm also looking forward to getting my PCP and OBGYN back as well, since they are with this company. I can't see them now because of the way health insurance works in this state, but if I get the job I'll have access.

M-Square and I had a huge fight this week. He's going through a really hard time at work and being very non-communicative. I was supposed to fly down to see him on Septemer 24, but he was going to work that weekend. And then I wanted to fly down next week to see him but he's just way too stressed from work and other things going on his life.

I was so pissed at him. He says I leave him too many voicemails and it's like he's talking to me so he doesn't feel like calling. Then when I finally talk to him he's like so stressed out and says I'll call you back and never does. The boy is just so wiped out every day. He's hired three new employees and training new people is very stressful to him. He said the new people never show up for work on time and it pisses him off.

I stopped calling him at work because I knew he was training new people, so I don't get to talk to him during the day. Lack of communication just totally freaks me out. I think he's also having a hard time with the owner of the company, who brought M-Square in to take the company international. But it's hard I think for an owner who's had his own business for 30 years to all of a sudden bring in another person and expect to give up control, even if the new person is a long time friend of his. His boss wants do two seminars as well and wants M-Square to help him do it. He said something about maybe doing the seminars in New York and Florida.

M-Square has a degree in physics and can explain the science of the products they're selling. He's been a pharma rep before, and taught seminars to doctors on drugs so he's good at leading seminars. But this is a new field for him and it's a totally different thing than getting docs to use and buy drugs.

So my baby boy is all stressed out and says he feels pressured by me and I just about lost it on Tuesday and was so ready to break up with him. I called him on Tuesday after not hearing from him for a whole week and he said something like "didn't I tell you that?" and I just got riled and didn't know why. When I finally figured it on Wednesday, it was pretty silly.

I got mad because I hadn't heard from him for a week and then we he said he'd told me something already it was like "who the hell are you talking to, what woman has my exact same voice that you think you are talking to me?" I was jealous and didn't even know it. Then I had to call him back and grovel and beg for forgiveness.

I know the guy isn't seeing anyone else. I just hate that he doesn't call enough and he hates that I leave too many voicemails. Then he said that I don't give him a chance to call me. I felt bad when he said that because other guys have said this to me before.

I finally figured it out that he was thinking I didn't trust him enough to call me and it was really getting to him. He gets enough of that "no trust" stuff at work and now he has to deal with it with me. But I spoke to him and we made up and then I was happy again. He just needs his space because he's so stressed at work, and I think I was focusing too much on him and not enough on my own life.

I've stopped writing and I've stopped job hunting. I was becoming way to co-dependent and not being the independent person I normally am. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but at least I got it now and we're still together.

I'm just happy we're still together, but disappointed that I can't see him. With all the work stress he's under, it's taking a toll on his health and he can't sleep and he's not eating right. He says he comes home and tries to read but can't relax and totally does not feel like talkking to anyone. I so know what he's going through. Work stress is really, really difficult. He says he misses me terribly and he's afraid of losing me, and I guess me wanting to break it off just doesn't help things much. He says he's under a lot of pressure at work and having me stress on him is another pressure-stressor in his life.

My poor boy! He always sounds so exhausted and whiny when I talk to him. He doesn't want to be that way with me, but he says he can't help it. I think I just have to calm down and get back to my own life, because not writing and not job hunting is making me unhappy as well. I also stopped working out, which never, never helps.

I was amazed at how easy it was for me to become so co-dependent on him, which is unhealthy for me and for our relationship. I feel bad too because my total instinct is to mother him and make his pain go away, and I know I shouldn't do that. He's an adult and doesn't need me mothering him and care-taking him like that.

But this is hard because I want to see him and I can't. My idea of heaven would be to just lie in bed all day and have sex with him all weekend, but in his state of mind and health he said it probably wouldn't be very satsifying. I'm sure he has performance anxiety running through his head as well.

But at least we're still together and holding on, and that's the most important thing. Work stress can't last forever and hopefully soon he'll be better soon and I can fly down to see him. My therapist said I need to take things one day at a time with him and be in the moment with him until his work pressure eases off. She said work stress is everyone's number one stressor with relationship stress running a close seocnd, so he's got a double whammy with me in the picture.

Haven't posted for awhile ... but I've been busy!

There was a free bluegrass festival in Golden Gate park last weekend and I attended both days. I saw Joan Baez, which was sooo cool! Her voice still sounds great and she sang a Bob Dylan song called "A Hard Rain Gonna Fall, which was just amazing.

Then on the way home I stopped to watch Doc Watson, who sang the first country song ever recorded. I love old country music!

On Sunday, a few friends showed up and we saw The Austin Lounge Lizards, Dolly Parton, and listed to a couple songs by Ricky Skaggs! You haven't lived till you've sung "Me and Bobby McGee" and "Imagine" with Dolly. Dolly looks really great for her age. She wore a rhinestone covered turquoise dress and she kept saying how all her instruments were covered with rhinestones.

The bands didn't play long. It is a free concert after all, so most sets were about 45 minutes. Ricky Skaggs was amazing, and I saw guys dancing to his music. The park was filled with so many non-San Franciscans, with all the southern folk weearing clothing proclaiming which southern state they were from.

Dolly's buses had Tennessee license plates, which means she drove all the way here from there. That's a long way to come to play a free concert in foggy San Francisco.

On Sunday morning I did a 7K Bridge to Bridge Walk, which my company was sponsoring. They paid for all their employees race fees and we wore company t-shirts to the race. I walked with a fellow employee and did the 7K in about an hour an 10 minutes. There was also a 12K run at the same time.

It was a jam packed weekend and my body was so sore from the 7k walk and standing for about four hours and dancing at the free concert. But I had fun and there's nothing like a free concert. I don't think I would have paid to hear Dolly Parton, but now that I've seen her I think I would pay to hear a three hour with her. I would definitely pay money to see Ricky Skaggs again. Emmy Lou Harris also played on Sunday at the end, but by that time I was so beat I just wanted go home and take a hot bath.