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Thursday, June 06, 2002

I guess it still must be a Mercury Retrograde because now I'm listening to Harvest by Neil Young. It all started on the way home when I heard Old Man by Neil Young on the radio. All of sudden I remembered that I had an ex-boyfriend named Phil, although I called him Drew, who used to sing me this song on his guitar.

Drew was a fellow student I met while interning in Washington, DC. He lived across the hall from me and my room-mate and so we became friends because of proximity. His room-mate also went to my school, but I didn't know him very well.

Drew had a car so we were always piling into his car to go out drinking in Georgetown or Dupont Circle. I don't even remember how Drew and I got together. I think we were all together at some bar in the old part of DC, in some club that was across from the Corcoran museum or was it the Portrait Gallery. Was it the Up and Down Club? Who knows. They had a tarot card reader upstairs who everybody said was the best in town.

Some old boyfriend of mine had shown up at the bar and he was coming onto me. I think I came on to Drew just to make this guy jealous. It was either at this bar or maybe that night we all watched fireworks and listened to the symphony on the mall for Labor Day. Or was that the time I met Rich, some other guy I think I bopped whiled in DC? It's all so hazy now.

Oh my god, I feel really bad. I cannot remember how I met my old boyfriend Drew. I'm sure it's in an old journal of mine somewhere, but I'm like, does it really matter now? No, I'm sure it was at that club across from the Portrait Museum.

Drew was from New Jersey, Bergen County to be exact. I cannot remember the name of his town, all I remember is that it was in Bergen County. He went to some school I'd never heard of in South Jersey. He had that accent that was like a Bruce Springstein song. Maybe that was the attraction? He was also a fellow acquarian which was a trip for me.

He was a nice guy, definitely not quite my type, but he was very sweet and he had a car, and when you're a 21 year old girl in DC without a car, dating a guy with a car was a good thing.

We went to all the colleges and universities in the area to party. He chauffered me around everywhere, even to go shopping. I'm not quite sure why he went out with me. He told me I wasn't his type either, but he liked the fact that was I very intelligent. His parents loved me, which I found strange. When I first met his mom, she said I was too pretty for her son. I don't think Drew agreed with her. I mean, I think Drew thought I was cute and everything and the sex was fantastic for both of us, but I don't think he was quite enamored of my looks as his parents and especially his mother was.

Not that Drew was Mr. GQ either. He was kind of slob really and he was already losing his hair at 21, but he did have that car and a ready supply or marijuana and other drugs. Did I forget to mention that? Drew dealt drugs on the side. God, was I like a shallow drugged out 21 year old or what? Hey, dating a guy with drugs is much better than dating a guy who doesn't have any. Besides, he wasn't the first drug dealer I dated, but one of many before him and afterwards.

And it's weird because it's not like I did alot of drugs either. But I don't know. I just happened to always meet and then get subsequently asked out by drug dealers. I guess I should feel flattered because drug dealers can probably get any drugged out chick they want, but they chose me and I wasn't even a habitual drug user. Drew was very generous with his drugs too, sending me a monthly supply and even hash once, which was so divine.

God, I still remember that time Drew and I were shrooming back in house in South Jersey on spring break. I was so paranoid. I thought the cops were going to come and bust us. When someone did come by the house, it was to buy some drugs. Then other friends of his came by and we headed for Atlantic City and the next thing I know, I'm in the Playboy Casino at 1 am and staring at Playboy bunny girls. After a tour of the casinos, we decided to go to this bar for drinks and everybody got carded except me. The doorman just let me in. Nobody could figure it out.

One of the guys asked a bartender and he said they don't card any girl with a guy who looks like she's under 18 and he said I looked around 13. I told him I was 21 and legal and he said it didn't matter. It was an Atlantic City rule. Whatever. What a weird rule. I guess there must be a lot of guys bringing very young girls to the casinos, bars and clubs and doormen are trained to look the other way.

I had my first taste of chili cheese fries that night. What a weird night. Drew and I were still so high. We walked on the beach and on the boardwalk and then ended up at a donut shop so we could scarf donuts.

Poor Drew. I think the guy really like me, but I had to break up with him. Drew was working for Common Cause and he was Mr. Environmentalist. He started his school's recycling program. God, he even dragged me to a meeting to meet the founder of Common Cause. What a drag. We were all sitting around a table and we had to say why we were interested in saving the environment and I was so not at that age. I felt so stupid when it was my turn to speak, but I think I must have BSed my way out of it, because Drew said I gave a good answer.

Anyway, Drew kept asking me why I was breaking up with him and I said, and I think I actually believed this at the time, that I saw a future where I was a corporate lawyer and he was an enviromentalist big wig and that we would be on opposite sides of a case. I think about that now and I'm like, god, how pretentious or what? I think I said, I didn't want to be in the position of having to be married to some guy who was running an environmental group that was suing my company for its environmental practices, especially if I was going to the head lawyer to take the environmental group down.

God, what a laugh! I never did go to law school and I certainly never worked for a polluting corporation.

I can't wait till this Mercury Retrograde is over because I hate all these old boyfriend memories.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

I think I am getting old. Why? Because I have a hard time hanging out with people I barely know and I don't think I ever had this problem when I was younger. I've been hanging out alot with my screenwriting group. I think I've seen them almost every week since May 16 and it's freaking me out.

It's difference when you're in class because it's a classroom atmosphere and you're doing work and not socializing. Now I'm seeing these people socially and I hardly even know them and it's just too much for me, to be with people I barely know that much. It's a total sign of age. Plus, I am so not one of those california types who easily makes friends and just as easily loses friends. I make friends for keeps, forever and it takes me awhile to get know people.

Usually, I only get to know people I click with right away, so when you start hanging out socially, it's so cool because you both get a long like a house on fire.

Now I'm with these people, some of whom I don't really click with and we've been hanging almost every week and I am being driven insane.

I think sometimes I am just complaining and whining because it is nice to have people to hang with, but I don't even know if I even like these people yet. I take a long time to decide whether I even like a person or not, even longer to decide whether I want to spend alot of time with them.

Time is like this special thing and you just can't spread it around and waste it on people you don't know. It's too exhausting! I feel like I don't have a life and that's such a big lie, because I do have a life, did have a life before I met these new people.

I'll have to think about what to do. Part of me wants to just drop out and not be in the group anymore. I feel like I have no boundaries and I don't like that. I never got into the fluid boundary thing. But this is a good sign because I'm usually so boundaryless, so maybe I've learned to take care of myself finally.

I feel bad because I am turning into such an antisocial freak! But I'm tired and I miss my personal time.

I have a feeling that if I ever become successful as a writer, that this is how my life is going to be. Hanging with people I barely know. There has to be a better way for me to socialize with people I barely know.

I wonder if this kind of stuff goes on back east, where everyone is much more formal about friendship. Do they have this instant friends problem?

Tuesday, June 04, 2002

So I'm still fuming because this guy that I barely know one-upped me last night and it totally made me mad. Here's what happened. I mentioned that my favorite movie was The Matrix and he starts telling me that the movie is an allegory for the new testatment. And I'm like what? What the hell is this guy talking about? I think I was mad because I hadn't thought of this connection before and it pissed me off that this guy, who I didn't think was all that bright, thought of it before me. Then what's worse, I had to admit to him that I was only arguing with him because I had to admit that he might be right.

GOD!!! I felt like I was back in a corporate board room where I was the only woman in the room and some jerk off in a tie was one-upping me in a meeting and embarrassing me in front my boss. And it's such a guy thing to do, to totally one up each other all the time, whatever the time and place. And I had to get used to it if I was going to climb the corporate ladder where I was most of the time I was the only woman. I hated having to learn to do the one-up thing. But what I hated most of all was being one-upped by some corporate goof off.

I know women are supposed to want to climb the corporate ladder and break the glass ceiling, but what it does, what all that climbing really does, is make you think of every man you meet either at work or socially, as a potential competitor, as a potential jerk who's going to embarrass you and one-up you in front of people you know, as someone who stands in the way of your next promotion, the enemy really, the guy who's standing between you and the corner office. And it really doesn't matter if you meet a man socially either. You get the same feeling.

My best friend says this isn't a way to meet a man and find my soul partner, not if every man is at some point going to piss me off because he one-upped me or make me respect him less because I one-upped him. It's twisted, totally twisted.

I don't know how to get rid of this feeling either, because I was in one-up mode for so long. What's worse, I got good at it too, the one-upping thing, but I hated myself the whole time I was doing it because I felt bad about having to be so competitive with a guy. A male friend of mine says guys don't take the one-upping thing personally, that it's just a thing that guys do with each other and they don't think anything of it.

But god, that guy I barely know just pisses me the hell off. I feel blindsided, only because I think I totally underestimated this guy and I got caught unawares which makes me so mad.

My best friend also said that if I get into a one-up game with this guy I barely knew, then he'll start treating me like a guy and not a girl, and I'll get caught up in the one-upmanship game, which I totally hate.

I don't know though because now all if I feel like is I just want to one-up the shit out of him and wipe that stupid smirking smile off his stupid face. I'm like way too emotional about all of this. I think the best reaction for me right now, is to not have a reaction and to wait for my anger to go away and for god's sake, not try to one-up this guy, not when I'm in this emotional state, because right now I'm too mad and not thinking straight.

What a situation I've gotten myself in. I thought once I stopped climbing the corporate ladder, I'd never have to play one-upmanship game every again. Boy, was I wrong!
I feel like I've been running around like a chicken without a head since I didn't make any concrete writing goals after I finished my screenplay. I finished my screenplay on May 6 and I've been on vacation for a month, which has been fun but definitely directionless and a little depressing. Depressing only because when I'm not writing, I start focusing on the petty things going on in my life. Writing grounds me to what is real and important in my life. Thank god for my bloggie though, because without it I wouldn't be writing at all, well except for my daily journal.

These are my summer 2002 goals.

1. Rewrite # 1 of Playing Catch with Dad Screenplay - rewrite to be complete and ready to be handed out for review in group by August 5.

2. If Rewriting class firms out for an August start date, then finish second rewrite of screenplay by 5th session of class.

3. Finish Rewrite #1 of Crazy Eddie by June 15. Don't forget the Beat Sheet

4. Finish first draft of Shopping Center Carnival by June 30

5. Over vacation in July - finish first draft of scifi comedy short story working title - The Girl from Planet Orr. Story to be based on the function of the conjunctions - and, but and or, not quite conjunction function, but close. More like a love story between the girl from planet Orr and the man from Planet Annd, plus I'm throwing in the people from planet But. Not sure if this will work as a scifi story, but what the hell I've had worse ideas. First draft to be completed July 15.

This is sad. I'm like one of those people who need goals to get anything accomplished in my life. Talent in writing is such a subjective thing. Who knows if I have talent as a writer? What I do know is that I can set goals for myself and then complete them and discipline and work seem to be integral to the writing life. Everything else that comes along in my life, seems to trivial and minor compared to my writing. I was a workaholic in previous jobs so maybe I'm just tranferring all my workaholic energy to my writing. Who knows? Writing is becoming essential to me, like breathing and eating. I have to write at this point in my life, whether I want to do it or not. Kind of drag in a way, to be tied to some thing outself of yourself, like your writing, but fun too because writing is a creative act which enriches your life in every way.