I've been diagnosed as anemic. Apparenty I'm not getting enough iron, despite the fact that I take an iron supplement every day. I've been diagnosed as being anemic off and on since I was 22 years old, and it's kind of drag. Being a semi-vegeterian doesn't help the cause because the easiest way to get iron is to eat red meat. But I hate being anemic because I thinks my struggles with weight and digestion stem from me being anemic and not getting enough amino acids. It's such a drag.

So I'm now embarking on a modified Atkins diet, and I'm going to try and eat red meat for six months and lots of veggies, but no dairy and no pasta, rice or bread. And lots and lots of olive oil, because supposedly olive oil helps with digestion.

I started on Friday, and it hasn't been too bad. I thought I would be really freaked out, because I only ever eat food like steak about once every five years. I think it helps that I'm buying really expensive steak, the kind that costs $25 a pound, so at least it's not fatty and full of chemicals. Organically raised beef - doesn't this sound like an oxymoron? And I'm only eating a little at a time. Like I bought one filet mignon, and had the butcher slice into four pieces so I can eat one per meal. I'm using my George Foreman grill to grill the steak, and I don't use much oil at except to coat the grill.

I mean, I do eat meat like chicken, fish and pepperoni on pizzas, but not very often, and never red meat unless I'm craving fast food burgers.

I'm eating steamed and then pureed dark green leafy vegetables and beets. I can't digest veggies and fruit without my stomach going crazy, so I'm steaming everything and then pureeing it so my body can absorb the nutrients from the veggies without making me run to the bathroom.

When I worked out today, I did notice that I wasn't tired as I normally get when I run and my energy level is steadier. My stomach for once is also calm, and I'm not running to the bathroom constantly.

I'm rationalizing the whole experience by saying to myself, well, it's only for six months, and six months isn't going to kill me. Then maybe my digestion will improve, I'll lose some weight, and I will be able to go back to the way I normally eat. And hopefully, I won't be anemic anymore.

But I'm also wondering if I'll start smelling like I eat meat. People who eat meat have a different smell than people who are vegetarians. You can totally smell meat on their breath constantly. It's like so gross! I'm sure I'll start smelling like I eat meat now and grossing myself out if and when I catch a smell of my breath. How scary!

You know you would think with the amount of food I consume, and the vitamins I take that I wouldn't have this stupid anemia/digestion problem but I do and I hate it. I mean what's the point of me being neurotic about my health if in the end I'm still anemic and unable to properly digest fruits and veggies. It's so unfair. Some people have the worst diets, don't take care of themselves, and dont' have half the health or weight issues that I do. I'm serious, life is so unfair sometimes!

I kind of feel bad about not wanting to see the guy I think I have such a crush on, but it's the way I feel. I don't know. I'm not ready to invite him over to my apartment yet. This is my private space, my sanctuary and I'm not really ready to invite someone else into my space.

It's a trust issue thing I know, so I guess after a month of knowing this guy I still don't know whether I can trust him or not. I mean, I barely know him and yes it's been a month but I'm like it's going to fast and I need to slow it down.

I know I'm having issues with him because I really wasn't expecting the thing to go this far. I honestly thought the whole thing would burn itself out by now, but it doesn't look like it has. Yes, I like him and I'm doing the girlie thing and totally dreaming about our future together but then there's the other part of me that wishes my life would return to normal because all my issues about being in a relationship are starting to come up.

I'm not bored yet, and he knows that and that's one he's got going in his favour so far. It probably helps he's also got a really strong ego, and doesn't seem to get too put off by me.

And what's really weird for me that's going on at the same time, is I feel the need to get my writing thing going again. To take it more seriously, to finish stuff so I can start sending stuff off to publishers, magazines, etc. That's like four things I have to deal with; my life, my job, my writing life, and a new guy. That's alot. And I'm like thinking, this why people don't have hobbies and only work and have relationships. It can get very overwhelming.

I'm like thinking, okay if I'm going to be dating a guy, I need to get my act together. I need to bring more to the table. I need to start doing the thing I think is my purpose in this life. And even when I'm doing my meditation CD, I get the intuitive message that I have to write more, take my writing more seriously, and that my writing is the key to everything. I'm also getting the feeling, and this is a weird one, that whatever I was suppose to accomplish with my writing has already been done in some other future time, and that I just have to figure out how I did it, how I got there. Isn't that a strange feeling? It trips me out and doesn't make any sense at all to me.

But then again, I may also be PMSing because it's like that time of the month again, so who knows what I'm really feeling or thinking.

And he already called me a "crunchy granola" girl, which I am, and I'm trying to break it gently to him that I am way more crunchy granola than I let on, and that to him I'm like a "total hippie chick". Which is a laugh, because I think most of my friends know I'm really not a hippie chick. I just have major hippie cick tendencies, even though I don't dress the part or wear that awful patchouli smell. I don't think he liked the fact that told him I sleep on a rock hard futon on the floor, even though it's been the best thing for my back and health and I'm like the only person I know who doesn't have some kind of creaky back problem.

I tried to like tell him I'm very high maintenance and neurotic about my health, but I don't think he quite gets the full impact of that. I am truly a mess, a total mess. We haven't even gotten around to a discussion about religion and spirituality yet. I don't even know I want to go there with him, because obviously it must be not that important to him if he hasn't brought up the subject yet.

God, I hate this relationship thing. It's so hard for me because I'm like half hippie chick, half kind of conservative girl. Guys tend to get really freaked out if they think of you as one thing, and you turn out to the exact opposite.

Sometimes I hate that I'm like half a hippie chick, but I can't help it. It's the way I grew up. I kind of like that part of me too. It keeps me healthy, wrinkle free and happy because it manifests itself in the way I eat and take care of myself. The hippie chick part also influences my interests to some extent, but thank god not my politics, my attitudes towards money, and my attitudes towards beauty. Plastic surgery and waxing every hair off your body are good things. I got the hippie dressing, musk wearing, not shaving of body hair stuff out of my system in college. That whole hipie girls look like is like so college girl to me, and I'm so over that.

So the red-haired marina frat boy called me at work this afternoon. I wasn't expecting to hear from him, and he caught me off guard. When he was called I was in very bad mood, and I think I was really mean to him. He was trying to be casual and flirty and I was so not in the mood and just fuming. I called him back later and apologized, and said something about how I wasn't sleeping well (which is totally true) and when I don't sleep I'm cranky.

And I was sitting there watching "Cold Mountain" alone on a Friday night, I'm thinking to myself that I was just happy to be at home alone and relaxing after a very hard and stressful week. And I'm like thinking, how the heck am I going to do this relationship stuff when I enjoy my own solitude so much.

I'm like a computer server, I need my down time. I need time to just hang by myself and watch movies and relax. I know it sounds lonely as all heck, but I enjoy it. Watching movies is part of my work as a screenplay writer. I don't feel guilty when I watch movies, I feel productive. It's like work for me because I'm sitting there enjoying the movie and analyzing it at the same time for what makes the movie work. And when it's movie made from a book like "Cold Mountain" was, it's interesting to see what the screenplay kept and left out from the book.

The red-haired guy, who is an extroverted people person, just can't imagine spending as much time alone as I do. He thinks it's lonely, and I'm thinking he's thinking he's going to rescue me from my loneliness. And I'm like, I don't need rescuing from my loneliness. I enjoy being alone. I need someone who's going to be a companion, someone to sleep with at night, and someone who won't make me feel crowded in or suffocated.

I feel like Mrs. Dalloway. I need a guy who's going to let me have my space, who won't make me feel like I'm trapped. This is an issue I always have in any relationship, and it's the reason why relationships are so hard for me. As much as I want togetherness and know that I do better in a couple situation than as a single, I cherish my individual space and freedom very much.

I'm bad because I'm hoping I don't see him this weekend. I just can't deal with it righ now. This is my first free weekend all month that I have to myself, and I want to enjoy it. On August 7, I was in a seminar all day, and then on Sunday I do errands. Last Saturday afteroon I was with him, and then I went to visit and have dinner with a friend in San Ramon and didn't get back till 11:30 at night. And Sunday is spent at church, running errands, going the gym and grocery shopping.

And my weekdays haven't been much better. On Monday and Tuesday night, I wrote and then worked out and didn't get home till 10 pm. On Wednesday I met with my writing group, and on Thursday night I started my Film History class.

Red-haired guy is always asking me why I don't date and I keep trying trying to tell him I'm busy and don't have time. Today he asked me again, and finally I said dating way more trouble than it's worth. I told him I'm picky, but I don't think he really understands quite what that means.

How do you tell a guy, "Look I have a full life where I barely have time enough to do all things I want to do. If a guy comes along who strikes my fancy and we hit it off, then fine I'll go out. The problem is the guy has to be pretty darn spectacular to make me even want to exert that much effort. And I'm a secret romantic at heart, and I figure if I'm supposed to meet someone I'll meet them. The universe knows my needs, and if there was some guy I was supposed to hang with, I'm a big believer in the universe getting us together."

I sound like a such a typical "San Francisco single girl freak". If I had cats, the picture would be complete. I think it's hilarious that I'm such a dang stereotype sometimes. Whatever.

I finally got around to seeing the movie version of Charles Frazier's novel "Cold Mountain." I meant to see it in the theatre, but I missed it. The violence in the early part of the movie was very horrific, and I was surprised by how well they depicted the hand to hand combat of fighting during the civil war. I'm thinking they probably got help from the people who do all the civil war reenactment stuff.

It was interesting to see how the novel was adapted into movie form. I liked how the ending was still as powerful as it was in the book, although I do remember thinking that I hated the ending of the book even though I knew that the ending was justified.

It's so poignant how people hold onto to the smallest things to get through the darkest of times. At what point Inman says in the movie that memories of Ada were like a bag of diamonds that he could hold onto and get through the darkness.

So much is made about the great civil war, the war of northern aggression. But like any war, the real victims were the people left behind who had to go on and rebuild and in some cases die trying. I think the Ada character at the end says you make peace with your past, and you try to heal or something like that.

I think it was Anton Chkhov who wrote that you go on because you have to, because there is work, there is always work to do.