I kind of feel bad about not wanting to see the guy I think I have such a crush on, but it's the way I feel. I don't know. I'm not ready to invite him over to my apartment yet. This is my private space, my sanctuary and I'm not really ready to invite someone else into my space.

It's a trust issue thing I know, so I guess after a month of knowing this guy I still don't know whether I can trust him or not. I mean, I barely know him and yes it's been a month but I'm like it's going to fast and I need to slow it down.

I know I'm having issues with him because I really wasn't expecting the thing to go this far. I honestly thought the whole thing would burn itself out by now, but it doesn't look like it has. Yes, I like him and I'm doing the girlie thing and totally dreaming about our future together but then there's the other part of me that wishes my life would return to normal because all my issues about being in a relationship are starting to come up.

I'm not bored yet, and he knows that and that's one he's got going in his favour so far. It probably helps he's also got a really strong ego, and doesn't seem to get too put off by me.

And what's really weird for me that's going on at the same time, is I feel the need to get my writing thing going again. To take it more seriously, to finish stuff so I can start sending stuff off to publishers, magazines, etc. That's like four things I have to deal with; my life, my job, my writing life, and a new guy. That's alot. And I'm like thinking, this why people don't have hobbies and only work and have relationships. It can get very overwhelming.

I'm like thinking, okay if I'm going to be dating a guy, I need to get my act together. I need to bring more to the table. I need to start doing the thing I think is my purpose in this life. And even when I'm doing my meditation CD, I get the intuitive message that I have to write more, take my writing more seriously, and that my writing is the key to everything. I'm also getting the feeling, and this is a weird one, that whatever I was suppose to accomplish with my writing has already been done in some other future time, and that I just have to figure out how I did it, how I got there. Isn't that a strange feeling? It trips me out and doesn't make any sense at all to me.

But then again, I may also be PMSing because it's like that time of the month again, so who knows what I'm really feeling or thinking.

And he already called me a "crunchy granola" girl, which I am, and I'm trying to break it gently to him that I am way more crunchy granola than I let on, and that to him I'm like a "total hippie chick". Which is a laugh, because I think most of my friends know I'm really not a hippie chick. I just have major hippie cick tendencies, even though I don't dress the part or wear that awful patchouli smell. I don't think he liked the fact that told him I sleep on a rock hard futon on the floor, even though it's been the best thing for my back and health and I'm like the only person I know who doesn't have some kind of creaky back problem.

I tried to like tell him I'm very high maintenance and neurotic about my health, but I don't think he quite gets the full impact of that. I am truly a mess, a total mess. We haven't even gotten around to a discussion about religion and spirituality yet. I don't even know I want to go there with him, because obviously it must be not that important to him if he hasn't brought up the subject yet.

God, I hate this relationship thing. It's so hard for me because I'm like half hippie chick, half kind of conservative girl. Guys tend to get really freaked out if they think of you as one thing, and you turn out to the exact opposite.

Sometimes I hate that I'm like half a hippie chick, but I can't help it. It's the way I grew up. I kind of like that part of me too. It keeps me healthy, wrinkle free and happy because it manifests itself in the way I eat and take care of myself. The hippie chick part also influences my interests to some extent, but thank god not my politics, my attitudes towards money, and my attitudes towards beauty. Plastic surgery and waxing every hair off your body are good things. I got the hippie dressing, musk wearing, not shaving of body hair stuff out of my system in college. That whole hipie girls look like is like so college girl to me, and I'm so over that.