So the red-haired marina frat boy called me at work this afternoon. I wasn't expecting to hear from him, and he caught me off guard. When he was called I was in very bad mood, and I think I was really mean to him. He was trying to be casual and flirty and I was so not in the mood and just fuming. I called him back later and apologized, and said something about how I wasn't sleeping well (which is totally true) and when I don't sleep I'm cranky.

And I was sitting there watching "Cold Mountain" alone on a Friday night, I'm thinking to myself that I was just happy to be at home alone and relaxing after a very hard and stressful week. And I'm like thinking, how the heck am I going to do this relationship stuff when I enjoy my own solitude so much.

I'm like a computer server, I need my down time. I need time to just hang by myself and watch movies and relax. I know it sounds lonely as all heck, but I enjoy it. Watching movies is part of my work as a screenplay writer. I don't feel guilty when I watch movies, I feel productive. It's like work for me because I'm sitting there enjoying the movie and analyzing it at the same time for what makes the movie work. And when it's movie made from a book like "Cold Mountain" was, it's interesting to see what the screenplay kept and left out from the book.

The red-haired guy, who is an extroverted people person, just can't imagine spending as much time alone as I do. He thinks it's lonely, and I'm thinking he's thinking he's going to rescue me from my loneliness. And I'm like, I don't need rescuing from my loneliness. I enjoy being alone. I need someone who's going to be a companion, someone to sleep with at night, and someone who won't make me feel crowded in or suffocated.

I feel like Mrs. Dalloway. I need a guy who's going to let me have my space, who won't make me feel like I'm trapped. This is an issue I always have in any relationship, and it's the reason why relationships are so hard for me. As much as I want togetherness and know that I do better in a couple situation than as a single, I cherish my individual space and freedom very much.

I'm bad because I'm hoping I don't see him this weekend. I just can't deal with it righ now. This is my first free weekend all month that I have to myself, and I want to enjoy it. On August 7, I was in a seminar all day, and then on Sunday I do errands. Last Saturday afteroon I was with him, and then I went to visit and have dinner with a friend in San Ramon and didn't get back till 11:30 at night. And Sunday is spent at church, running errands, going the gym and grocery shopping.

And my weekdays haven't been much better. On Monday and Tuesday night, I wrote and then worked out and didn't get home till 10 pm. On Wednesday I met with my writing group, and on Thursday night I started my Film History class.

Red-haired guy is always asking me why I don't date and I keep trying trying to tell him I'm busy and don't have time. Today he asked me again, and finally I said dating way more trouble than it's worth. I told him I'm picky, but I don't think he really understands quite what that means.

How do you tell a guy, "Look I have a full life where I barely have time enough to do all things I want to do. If a guy comes along who strikes my fancy and we hit it off, then fine I'll go out. The problem is the guy has to be pretty darn spectacular to make me even want to exert that much effort. And I'm a secret romantic at heart, and I figure if I'm supposed to meet someone I'll meet them. The universe knows my needs, and if there was some guy I was supposed to hang with, I'm a big believer in the universe getting us together."

I sound like a such a typical "San Francisco single girl freak". If I had cats, the picture would be complete. I think it's hilarious that I'm such a dang stereotype sometimes. Whatever.