Just to get caught up, here's a recap of my Thanksgiving weekend.

I drove up to Redding California to visit my aunt and uncle on Wednesday. Redding is about a four drive up North or about 223 miles. I totally messed the time up and instead of leaving San Francisco by 3 pm, I left after 4 pm. This was a HUGE mistake. I got caught in a typical Bay Area Friday night commute home, with added day before Thankgiving traffic. It took me two hours to go from San Francisco to Richmond California, which is only about less than 30 mile drive. The traffic was horrendous, and I don't know how people can stand to do this commute every day.

Once I left the Bay Area, the traffic got better until I hit a five car pile up in Fairfield. That was a scary sight. I'd never seen five cars smashed all in a row like that. You see a sight like that and you think, what's the chances of that being me?

Once I got off i-80and went on 505 and then onto interstate 5, I was fine. I was flying and doing about 80-85 mph. My car is so fun to drive and very, very comfortable to sit in. I wasn't even sore so I didn't even stop and just hoofed it up there.

Driving on I-5 is a trip because it's nothing but huge, huge trucks. I hate driving near big trucks; they scare me. My car is way too small, and the one and only accident I had involved a big rig truck so the trucks just freak me out. I zipped around them as much as I could and I held my breath each time.

The four drive turned into a five hour drive, but considering I was in rush hour/pre thanksgiving traffic I probably made good time. My poor aunt and uncle thought I'd be there sooner, so they waited to have dinner until I got there. I told them I didn't think I'd be there till 10 pm, but they decided to wait anyway. I didn't know this of course, so I stopped at the McDonalds near their house for my dinner and got food through the drivethru. What a waste of good highway junk food! I ended up putting my Mickey D food in their fridge, and going out to dinner with them which they paid for. My uncle always pays for dinner.

My aunt and uncle moved up to Redding to retire and now that they have all this free time, they do nothing but gamble at all the indian casinos that are mushrooming up there. So of course after dinner, they took me to their favourite casino. My uncle plays poker, and he gives my aunt money to entertain herself by playing the slot machines or bingo if they have it. Since I was with them, my uncle handed me and my aunt a wad of money and said "Here, go enjoy yourself. I want to play cards."

Now I'm not into gambling, but since my uncle gave me some money and they both obviously wanted to enjoy themselves and I was staying with them, I gambled with them till 3 am. I lost all the money he gave me, but my aunt was luckier and doubled her stash. She is a very lucky gambler, and had won $800 last week at a slot machine.

It's unbelievable how many people are gambling their money away in the wee hours of the morning in an indian casino in northern california. People are really into it. And unlike Vegas or Atlantic City, they don't serve you free booze drinks at indian casinos. You can get free soft drinks, but no free alcohol. The indian casinos aren't as nice as the ones in Vegas as well. No sports betting, no fancy games. Just poker, bingo, slot machines, and blackjack. I don't think I even saw a craps table. Not that I think I ever took an inventory of a Las Vegas casino, but the indian casino we went to was definitely low rent.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be spending the start of a Thanksgiving holiday at a dumpy indian casino, but it was fun only because my aunt and uncle are so nice to hang with. My aunt is really sweet, and she was giving me motherly advice during our slot machine games.

Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.

But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.

You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.

It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.

Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.

Last night was the first time I felt like my old self again. I don't think I've been myself since before July 21. That's sad isn't it. I even started to get freaked out again that I wasn't working hard enough on my writing. This was a good sign.

I slept through the night, and woke up not feeling anxious and not thinking about the red-haired guy and all the problems we were having. This was such a great feeling. I think the anxiety is still there, but at least it's not as strong as it used to be.

I've been dreaming a ton lately. I wonder if my anxiety stemmed from me not getting enough REM sleep, because I was so freaked about what's his face and kept waking up every four hours. I read in an article once that if you don't get enough REM sleep and dream, then you get anxious.

Whatever. At least I feel healthy and more like my old self. It feels like everything is going to work out again in my life, and I haven't felt that way since I met red-haired guy back in late July. That's a long for me not feel joy, isn't it? He hasn't called, and I bless him every day for that. Maybe he did love me just enough to let me go in peace. That's what I'd like to think anyway. I'm starting to feel happy again, and hopefully it will continue. I'd like to go back to where I was just freaking about not writing and not everything else in my life. That would be nice, really nice.

And here's my update for this week on the www.sfist.com website. This week's update even had people commenting. People feeling schadenfreude for yours truly, my cynical self says. But my sweet self is so touched by all the words of encouragement by total strangers. Isn't it sad that totally random strangers can be so sympathetic, whilst the people who we think should love us don't care?

The Glory of Words.

On the dating front, I finally ended it hopefully for the final and last time with the red-haired boy on Wednedsay November 17. I'm going on 7 days with no contact from him (this is a long time for us), so hopefully he took it to heart when I told him "I hope that you love me enough to let me go and not call." Well that and I also told him that if he starts calling again and bugging me, my cell phone company said they could change my cell number in an hour and I'd still get a 415 area code number.

The boy was just stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to break up with him on October 1, and I don't think I was really ready to end it anyway. It was an impulsive break up on my part. But six weeks have passed since then and things weren't getting any better and in fact, they were getting really boring. My experience with him in LA didn't help either, and he thought LA sucked as well.

So I just cut the chord and yes it did sting, but surprisingly it didn't hurt too much. But I've been trying to end it since October 1, so maybe I've already experienced all the hurt I was going to feel. Whenever I think of him, it feels like it's out habit more than out of any real feeling. I don't even think I ever loved him, but I guess when I said it I did at the time.

He's definitely the first guy in my life that I'm hoping I never get back together with, which is so strange because I've always wanted to get back with guys I've been in relationships with. I never thought I'd ever date a guy I wouldn't want to date again just a little bit, but I guess there's a first time for every experience. It's not that I hate him or anything like that. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm just so over the whole thing with him big time, like really big time.