Sometimes I wish I could just date to date, and have fun and not be too concerned about the future. But I can't. I am this point in my life where I want to be with my true love, and if can't be with him then I'd rather be alone.

I have enough guilty conversations with myself about time and what I need to be doing, that I don't need to complicate my life even more by mindless dating. I wish I could date and not care, but I can't. Believe me, if I could change my attitude towards love I would.

It sucks to be alone, to not have companionship, to not have someone to do things with like watch football or baseball games with and just hang and drink beer and laugh and make out during the breaks. But if I can't have true love, then what's the point.

I have so many other things to occupy myself with like my writing, taking classes, reading, working out, and all the other things I manage to fill up my days with.

But wanting true love is such a hard way to go. Plus I have requirements now that I won't compromise on like our religious views have to compatible. I am so not going to live the rest of my life with a guy that I'm going to have serious religious differences with.

I will compromise to a certain extent on politics, although I draw the line at any guy who voted for Nader or other types like him. I would rather marry a loyal party republican who voted for the Shrubmeister than someone who was silly enough to go green in 2000, and who now complains about the state of the country.

But who am I kidding? When do I have time to date? I don't even have time to do the thing I most want to do which is writing, so it's not like I have any time to spend dating and getting to know someone.

I hate having this ongoing conversation in my head about not having enough time for the things that are important in my life.

I've been reading again, and I'm excited. 7 books since about April I think. That's a book a week for me. Granted they're small paperbacks that I can keep in my purse, but still a book a week is good for me.

Finally made myself finish "Silas Mariner" by George Elliot. That book made me cry. I think I'm going to end up like poor old Silas Mariner one day, with no Eppie to rescue me. Sad, sad, sad!!! The ending of the book made me cry, but it's TOM time so my mones are raging. There were a couple of chapters I just skimmed because they were just dialogue, and it was hard to get through, but other than that Miss Elliot made some very good observations about life in her book.

Now I'm reading this book about a mentally ill patient's journey from insanity to sanity, called "I never promised you a rose garden". The book has reaffirmed what I've always believed, that mental illness is a defense mechanism that the brain uses to survive reality. The human body is built to survive. So if you're in a seemingly threatening situation that your mind can't handle, your mind will do things to enable you to keep going. What we call mental illness is just one of those defense mechanisms that the mind creates in order to help the body to survive traumatic events. Some events are so traumatic and scary to some people that if they didn't find a way to mentally escape, they would literally collapse and die. And yes sometimes they do, but most times a mental illness just develops.

You know how there's "fight or flight" syndrome. Mental illness is the extreme of "flight". Your mind literally collapses in on itself to flee, and creates worlds for the person to survive in, creates people to help the person survive. Of course they're all in the person's head, made up and not real, but the affected person doesn't know that.

I'm reading this book and wondering if I'm crazy, if there aren't places or things I've made up in my head to shield myself from a harsher reality. I had this same kind of feeling when I finished watching "A Beautiful Mind". I wondered for awhile if the people I knew were real or made up. Russell Crowe's character figured out that the imaginary people don't age, even when you do. But everyone I know has aged even quicker than I have, so I guess this must mean I really don't have an imaginary friend.

Sometimes I wonder what I do all weekend because the time seems to go by so quickly, but here's what I did.

Saturday:
Woke up late and didn't get out the door till noon
picked up drycleaning
took 3 skirts to tailor to be hemmed
went to the Asian Art Museum to have lunch and check out the exhibits. There was a great exhibit by a Thai artist, where you walked through a small temple with curtains of beads filled with herbs and incense. The smell was so cool!
worked out for 1 hour.
went through clothes hamper to get clothes read for laundry
cleaned up bedroom

Sunday:
woke up early
went to 8:45 am mass
worked out for 1 hour
went to Whole Paycheck at 4th and Harrison to buy products and have lunch
did laundry
went Trader Joe's to do grocery shopping
opened up laptop and worked on two spreadsheets for a meeting I had on Monday at work and watched Harry Potter

I know I did alot this weekend, but I have the feeling I could be doing mor. Like writing. I did no writing this weekend, which is so bad for me. I made plans on Saturday and on Sunday, but I couldn't fit it in.

I think I need to do this exercise I did in a seminar once, where you keep track of your time by the hour for a week. The purpose of the exercise was to see where your time went, and to see if there things you were doing that were either time wasters or if there were holes where you could fit something in.

I hate having a conversation in my head about time, and this is the only way to put a stop to the noise.

I went to Starfbombs the other day to write and ended up picking their CD of an hour's worth of Willie Nelson's most influential songs, Wille Nelson's Artist Choice. They've also got cds by Sheryl Crowe and Johnny Cash.

I seem to remember posting about this before, but since I had to do warm up exercise before my writing ... here's my artist choice pick of songs for my cd.

1. Boys Don't Cry by The Cure
2. Head by Prince
3. Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys
4. She loves You by The Beatles
5. Candy Says by The Velvet Underground
6. Man in the Box by Alice in Chains
7. Happy Shiny People by REM
8. Jane Says by Jane's Addiction
9. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
10. Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan
11. Suite Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby Stills Nash and Young
12. Love Will Tear Us Apart Again by Joy Division
13. Ghetto Superstar by Pras Michel featuring ‘Ol Dirty Bastard and introducing Miya
14. Let’s Stay Together by Al Green
15. It's My life by No Doubt
16. Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin
17. Crazy for You by Madonna
18. Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones

I think it's supposed to be an hour's worth of song, but I haven't added up the time. This list is so hard and I keep wanting to change it, but these 18 songs mean something to me. I could write a biographical short story about each song, and why it belongs on the list.

Today is national prayer day. If you pray, pray to whom or whatever you believe in for peace in this crazy world of ours.

So many bad headlines ....

there's a new way of transmitting SARS

some economists are predicting another bear market gas prices are going through the roof and there will be
a huge trickle effect to the price of everything else because of this

world grain production has fallen short of consumption

experts see new animal diseases hitting humans

experts keep chiming in on the likelihood of a real estate crash

then there are the wars, all the wars, and the constant threat of terror everywhere in the world.

I pray for peace. I think of all the bad things happening in the world and the bad things people are doing to other people and I release them to Holy Spirit and God's justice. I pray that people everywhere find the love and all the intimate connection they want. I pray that I'm fulfilling the divine purpose for my life. I pray the health and economic well being of all my friends and acquaintances daily. I pray that I spread love and kindness instead of hatred and unkindness in my words, deeds and thoughts and pray that everyone else do the same.

There's all this talk of banning people who support abortion rights from taking communion in the catholic church. What about banning people who kept quiet about child molestor priests?

What's worse, abortion or molesting a child or teenager? Statistics say that about half the kids who were molested as children or as teenagers end up killing themselves because of what was done to them. The child molestor priest or whomever might as well have killed them with a gun.

The bible says as you sow so shall ye reap. I don't think the catholic church has right to cast the first stone at anyone as there is much hanky panky going on in their own house. The rumors say more than half the catholic priests in the USA are gay ... what was that catholic church policy and view about homosexuality again?

It was Youth Sunday at church where the teenybops lead the service. They chose the song "Here I am Lord" as the closing hymn. What a tear jerker of a song! It makes me cry every time I hear the chorus. It's such a great camp song too!

Here I am Lord
Words and Music by Daniel L Schutte
copyright 1981

Genesis 46:2
"And God spake unto Israel in the visions of the night, and said, Jacob, Jacob. And he said, Here am I."

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.

I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Chorus: Here I am, Lord. Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my peoples pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

Repeat Chorus and try to stop from crying.

I, the Lord of wind and flame
I will tend the poor and lame
I will set a feast for them
My hand will save

Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied
I will give my life to them
Whom shall I send?

Repeat Chorus and cry uncontrollably!

Here's the SFGate.com's review of "Syvlia", Morris' 'Sylvia' forgoes showy dancing for an old-fashioned, irony-free romance.

On Sunday, we saw Yuan Yuan Tan and the dancer talked about in the review. It might be fun to see it again with a different dancer.

Then on Sunday I went to see the San Franciso ballet. I had a three-performance subscription, and this was our last one. The performance was Mark Morris' Sylvia. "Mark Morris' world premiere is the first complete staging of Sylvia ever created for an American company."

The ballet was colourful and sweet, but not very challenging for the dancers. Morris is no Balanchine, but the balled was well done. Morris is more clever and interesting than innovative I think.

Then my friend and I decided to go to Chevy's afterwards to have an early Cinco de Mayo celebration, and I had a huge mojito and we split a shrimp and crab quesadilla, which was so heavenly. I had such a nice buzz by the time I left the restaurant, that by the time I got home I was so sleepy I went straight to bed. I thought I would only take a short nap and work, but I couldn't wake myself up so I just kept on sleeping.

I did workout at my friend's health club before we went to ballet. She was showing off her snazzy new very expensive ($70/month), which is just a few blocks from her home. The health club provides towels, has a separate women's sauna, and lots of free beauty products in the locker room. There's also a nice pool for swimming laps and a racquetball court.

It was nice but that's a ton of money to pay for the club. It's good for my friend because it's such an incentive to have a gym within a five minute walk from your front door. But for me, I'd still have to drive and probably pay for parking to go to the gym there, and at their other location. Besides their gym equipment wasn't that up to date, and I didn't see free weight room.

The weekend was so busy, I didn't even touch my work laptop. Memo to self: when you have events planned on both weekend days, it's not a good idea to bring work home because you won't have time to do it.

On Saturday, I headed down south to Palo Alto to go to a writing seminar on how to write a love story, "Michael Hauge: SEX, LIES AND LONGING: Creating Powerful Love Stories for Your Novel or Screenplay." It was probably one of the best seminars I've attended, and I learned a new way to create a plot structure.

The class was full of people who had already published their own books, were in movie development deals with Hollywood, had agents, and were way more advanced in their writing career than I am. These people were serious writers, all looking to score their first pot of gold by selling a screenplay to Hollywood.

One woman I ate lunch with had published two children's books, one non-fiction book, had an agent, an editor and a publisher, but said at the end that her writing wasn't a money-making venture. I think there were a ton of people in her shoes at the seminar. Half the people there were novelists who had switched to screenwriting or were adapting their novels for the screen because Hollywood pays more money than book publishers.

There were even a few women who stood up and said they were romance novelists. I was talking to a woman at the break who was a budding romance novelist, and telling her that I would love to be a romance novelist. I just never seem to create characters and stories that have happy endings. Even the "love story" that I'm trying to write called "Texas is a state of mind" has a bittersweet ending. The budding romance novelist said my "love story" isn't a love story if my characters don't end up in love and together at the end. Sad isn't it?

I was so inspired about my writing because of the seminar that I went to the library today, and rewrote one of my short stories to fit into his plot structure. I didn't think my short story would fit in his structure, but it did. I spend much time plotting out structure, even for a short story, so his way of plotting is not that different than what I've been doing.

Hauge's plot structure is nice because it ties up loose ends in a way I never thought possible before. He's a firm believer in character arcs, and it's a great way to structure a story that's very satisfying I think to a reader. Hauge said we could apply his plot structure to any story, and not just to screenplays.

I liked the seminar leader alot. He gave a really sweet writers pep talk at the end, which made me want to cry. He was so spiritual without ever being new agey, religious or maudlin. The guy was definitely genuine, and knew his stuff. I bought his book, which he signed and two cd-sets of his of two of his other seminars. One of the seminars was a comparison of his plot structure to Christopher Vogler, who wrote "The Writer's Journey: Mythic Structure for Writers". The two of them critique each other's methods in the seminar. Vogler's book is inspired by the work of mythologist Joseph Campbell, so it will be interesting to see how the Hauge's structure compares to Joseph Campbell's hero's journey.

So I broke down and brought my laptop home. I just have way too much work to do, and with all the meetings I attend during the week, I need a couple hours of solid uninterrupted time to get some of my work done.

My bosses are already starting to question my workload, and I'm like, you're the ones who keep dumping stuff on me, stuff I had no idea I was going to do when I first signed up. Nobody told me writing was going to be one of my main duties. Okay so I probably write better than your average employee, but still ... it's not what I signed up for.

My bosses tell me my writing is easy to understand. From reading some of the internal memoes I've had to plough through, I can see why. People try to sound so intelligent and make things so complicated, but when you really start to dig apart what they're actually trying to say, you realize that what they're doing or writing up makes no sense.

But hey it's written up so it takes someone even with a college education, an hour to read. What a waste of an hour, especially when you find out that the project the person was trying to write about was total BS, the methodology was messed up, and the analysis made no sense. Sometimes people in business think window dressing is going to make up for a badly designed and executed analysis or project. I don't think so!

I finished reading "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". It was fun, and now I feel like I have to read the whole series of books. It reminded so much of the brit scifi show "Red Dwarf", which I totally adore.

I'm now reading "The Parable of the Talents" by Octavia E. Butler, the second book after "Parable of the Sower". It's not as frightening as the first book, but it's a bit spooky nonetheless. Butler's premise seems to be that despite all our modern technology, nothing has changed. When you take away the modern technology from people and go back into survival mode, institutions like slavery and the evil things like the Inquisition or collobaration with the nazis that the catholic church did return in full blown cruelty but with modern new twists.

I suppose that's true in a way, that we're never really that far away from the events that we now in modern society say was barbaric and wrong. Slavery and child prostitution still exist in the world, and people still get killed in the name of religion all the time. Only now some of us calll it "an exercise in religious freedom and liberation from an oppressive society."

I bought a new mini stereo system for the living room, since the writing group was coming over. The old mini boom box now sits in my bedroom.

I went to one of those chain stereo places to get it after work not thinking it would have been smart to drive my car there so I could take it home. Instead, I hauled the box home on Muni and suffered the pitying stares of people thinking I was too poor to take a cab or own a car, and had to drag my huge box home on public transportation.

The box wasn't heavy, it was just bulky and hard to carry. By the time I got to my front door, my arms were like jelly. Still it was worth it to do because the new system fits in the space where the old one was, something I was very worried about and the sound is pretty good for a mini system.

My next task it to get a new tv, vcr and dvd player this weekend. I'm so tempted to buy a bigger tv but then it wouldn't fit where I have the old tv now. If I bought a thing to put a bigger tv on, I'd have to arrange some of my furniture to accomodate the size and I'm not in the mood to do that. Plus since I'll be probably hauling the tv home myself, I have to think about how much it's going to weigh and if I have the strength to carry it up to my apartment.

And even after all that's done, I have to figure out what to do with my old tv. I wonder if Goodwill or the Salvation Army will take it? I wanted to put into my bedroom, but it's too big. Besides, having a tv in my bedroom is too tempting. I'd end up watching it more and falling asleep to it.

I got the tv cable guy to put a cable wire in my bedroom, just in case I wanted to go that route, But a smaller TV would fit better in my bedroom. Or better yet, no tv at all.

It's so hot I can't sleep. I should open my windows, but then it gets too noisy and I'll keep waking up during the night because of the noise.

A friend invited me to go sailing on the Bay on Saturday. It was such a gorgeous day with no fog. I was in shorts and polo shirt all day and into the night. Usually when you sail on the Bay it gets a little rough sailing back in the aftenoon to where you started from, which in our case was Sausalito.

The tides change and the water flows in and out of the Bay very quickly, and usually the fog and cold wind are rolling in. Not on Saturday. Afterwards, we drank more wine and danced on the boat entertaining and most likely annoying the neighboring boaters who came out to watch.

Sailing is fun. I can see why people really get into. You have to really know what you're doing, and you have to always be aware of so many things. The friend who invited me is a member of the Corinthian Yaht club in Tiburon, and she's being sailing and racing since she was a kid.

The boat we sailed on belonged to a couple who are on a sailing racing with her and her boyfriend, and, they were trying to practice for their next race. Apparently they came in first place last year at the Corinthian Yaht Club boat races.

There is something so ancient about sailing. It's got such a history. I've always wanted to learn to properly sail, but I've never had the chance. My uncle in San Diego was going to teach me to sail the summer I lived them as their nanny, but other than boating a few times on Glorietta Bay we never got around to it.

I'd have to take lessons, join a crew, lose some weight. My friend was telling me that on sailing race day, you have to weigh in. She said that people stand around in their underwear waiting to get weighed, and other racers come up to you and ask you how much you weigh. She said the weight part is all part of achieving maximum boat speed, and every pound counts. I would love to learn how to sail to sail and not to race.

We also saw a bunch of kayakers. Ocean kayaking is such a blast. I would love to buy a kayak so I could go kayaking on the Bay. We also saw some windsurfers. I used to want to learn to windsurf for so long, and even took a couple of lessons. If I windsurfed or kayaked on the San Francisco Bay, I'd have to buy a wetsuit. The water is way too cold to not wear one.

The only saving grace to the whole Chris means instant love thing is I think the real "Chris" that I'm supposed to marry and spend the rest of my life with is supposed to be a strawberry blondie boy with brown eyes.

But I don't know. The strawberry blondie hair and brown eyes requirement might be part of the curse of Steve, the one that got away. Steve was a strawberry blondie boy with brown eyes.

After years of really not caring what a guy looked like and never having prefernces about hair and eye color, I hate that I'm obsessed with marrying a guy with strawberry blondie/red hair and brown eyes. It's so very odd!

I've got this thought in my head that I think I'm supposed to marry a guy name Chris. It's weird as heck, I know, but I met two guys named Chris in the last two years and instantly had crushes on them.

First, there was Chris, the marina hottie boy from screenwriting class who I was like so hot for as soon as he walked into class. Me and every other woman in screenwriting class thought the same thing. This Chris is tall at 6 ft 4 in, has brown hair, pretty blue eyes, does yoga, used to play college football, and has a masters in psychology. Charming too, the guy is fraternity jock boy charming. Snappy dresser as well.

He was so darn cute, I was afraid to talk to him. But then I decided I didn't need him as a distraction in my life, and tried to ignore him. But we ended up becoming very casual friends for awhile, and I had wild fantasies about the two of us getting hitched, us having a previous incarnation together, him being the one - my krishna, etc. But well that fizzled out when I figured out that he wasn't a JC boy, and that his maturity level was right out of fraternity boy jock hell.

Now there's this guy at the new job and his name is Chris, and I'm working with him on a project and I'm so in crush with him. I hardly know the guy, and already I'm in serious crush mode. This Chris is a blondie with blue eyes, and about 5 ft 8 or 9.

The two Chris's couldn't more opposite. Chris # 1 was cute, and while smart wasn't that swift on the uptake. Chris # 2 is an analytical nerd whose intelligence blows me away; the guy is really, really smart. Chris # 1 is quite a fashionable dresserm while Chris # 2 has the totally WASPy preppy wardrobe.

And I'm like in love with both of them. I think they're both so cute! For some reason Chris # 2 is more attractive to me, but I think that is partly due to the fact that he reminds me of Steve. Part of my attraction to Chris # 2 is because of the curse of Steve, the one that got away.

For whatever reason I also feel more comfortable with Chris # 2, but that could be because I met him at work and we're working together on a project and Chris # 2 seems like a very, very nice person. With Chris # 1 I was practically tongue tied with him, but with Chris # 2 I have to talk to him because he's on my project team. I mean I should be more tongue tied with Chris # 2 because he's as cute to me as Chris # 1, but I'm at work and I can't. I have to work with him and be in meetings with him every week.

And I feel bad that I have a crush on Chris # 2 because I work with him. Work relationships are so messy, and because of sexual harrassment I'm afraid of throwing myself at him. And it's awkward because it's not like he's made any indication to me that he's at all interested. He's nice and all when I have to meet with him one on one for the project we're both working on, but it's not like he's been overyly friendly either. I hate having crushes on a guy who might not even be remotely interested. I mean it's San Francisco. Chris # 2 might not even do women. I can't tell anymore, and my gay-dar is definitely not working well.

I hate the whole just because a guy's name is Chris I have to fall in love with him thing. It's bad, bad for my nerves, bad for my self esteem and ego especially when the Chris person doesn't seem that interested.

It's just so weird that these two guys are so different yet I find them both amazingly attractive, and all they have in common is they're both named Chris. Chris # 2 kinda sorta looks like, reminds me of a preppy Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh. And Chris # 1 kinda sort looks like a brown haired, blue eyed Charlie Sheen.

I mean there's no other explanation for my attraction to both men, other than to say it's because some part of my being is looking for the Chris that I'm supposd to spend the rest of my life with and live happily ever after.

I'm either really getting old and senile or I'm especially horny or both. I can't tell.

I was talking to my ultra left wing film history teacher last night about the movie "The Piano", when the thought plops into my head that he's kind of an attractive guy and it would be kind of fun to have a flingie with him. And I'm like 'Oh my God!'

First of all, the guy's politics drive me insane. But a very close friend insists that most SF Bay Area men's politics drive me insane, so that's not unusual. But I'm like the guy has a paunchy tummy, which in itself isn't too bad, but I mean the guy really has a paunchy tummy. He's like portly!

He's gotta be over 50 at least, maybe even older. That's like really old for me since I've never had sex with anyone that old. He's got like graying hair, which makes me him look even older.

And last but definitely not least, his name is IRA! And again I repeat, 'Oh my God!'. I'm having sexual thoughts about some older dude guy with a paunchy tummy and graying hair, stupid ultra left wing liberal politics which I abhor intensely, and his first name is IRA! What is up with that?

See what I mean when I say I'm either getting senile and old or I'm bizarrely orny or both.

I just remembered that I turned Puffs on to "The Cure". He never liked their music until he started dating me. I like this thought. It still makes me happy after all these years.

Another blog game, this time with music from Camilo @ Mercurial.

1. Go to your CD rack/shelf/room.
2. Select the 13th CD from the end of your collection
3. What's the 5th track?
4. List it on your blog, with a story of why you purchased this CD.
5. Link back to me - if you wish.

Tracy Chapman - Tracy Chapman
5th track - Baby Can I Hold You

I purchased this cd because I associate Tracy Chapman's hit song "Fast Car" with one on my ex-boyfriends. There's a line in that car that goes:

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone
be someone
be someone.

I can see Puffs and I driving in the rented convertible down to Death Valley to trip on shrooms, and that song playing on the tape he made for the trip. It was the end of our relationship and we were tyring to kind of save it by taking a trip together, hoping against hope that the mini vacation would be full of enough good memories to keep us together just a little bit longer.

Of course that never happened, and we broke up on Sunday morning the day we were driving back home. And walking away from Puffs was so hard, one of the hardest things I've ever done. I liked him so much, despite all the crap he put me, he put us through. And what still makes me sad after all these years is he never quite forgave me for walking away from him. He was happy that I left, even he knew it was the best thing for me, but a part of him felt so betrayed, so hurt that I didn't, couldn't stick around, didn't love him enough to prevent him from killiing himself and dying.

Puffs was such a trip! Mr. Fraternity boy, beautiful, dark haired and blue-eyed and kind of looking like Jack Nicholson, whom he adored. Stinky topsiders, ralph lauren wardrobe, and those huge 100% silky white cotton nordstrom dress shirts of his with the embroidered sailboat on the cuff that I used to wear as a coverup when I was at his place. That awesome incredibly expensive stereo with the sound processor and that glow in the dark sound wave that practically took up his whole living room.

Puffs was so smart, and so much fun to hang with as a drinking buddy, but he liked his bottle and his drugs way too much. But he was such a kick, and so much fun. Like the time he put on one of my silk shorty nightgowns and did a dancing peep show to music. He was so fun!

But the drinking and the drugs and the subsequent depression from it all were way too much for me, for us. And he wouldn't stop, and he never did either until he died a few years ago.

He used to wake up in the middle of night and grab me and hug me and tell "we were twins", which delighted and simultaneously scared the willies out of me because he was such a messed up person. Fun as heck but really, really very messed. Puffs had a heart of gold and would never hurt a fly, but he covered it all up with drinks and drugs and cigarettes.

Maybe I'm having a Puffs haunting right now. I hope he's happy in death, I hope he's at peace. I hope the demons which plagued his dreams every night have been laid to rest and he can finally sleep through the night without waking up because of a bad dream.

Grabmusik by Mozart

I liked the text of Grabmusik by Mozart so much that I wanted to put some of it in my blog.

I. Recitative, The soul - Wo bin ich?
Where am I? Bitter pain? Ah, the source of all love, my repose, my comfort, the goal of my striving, my holy Jesus' heart that stirs no more, has emptied his blood and his life. Here the wounds still drip with blood. What bitter steel has torn assunder the heart of the best-beloved and the sweetest?

II. Aria, The Soul - Felsen spaltet euren Rachen
Boulders, split your thoughts and mourn and wail with wretched clangor; Stars and moon and sun, take flight, while mourning Nature grieves with me. Below, thunder! Flames and lightning rage on in unison against this deed of madness which has wounded Jesus' heart.

VI. Duet, The Soul and the Angel - Jesu, was hab' ich getan?
Jesus, what have I done? I have inflicted your wounds and sent you to the cross. Look on my heart's remorse. You suffered these wounds to gain for us salvation and mercy. This I shall resolve: that I shall love thee: and that I shall never grieve thee; Forgive me, sacred heart.

Epilogue: Ave Vernum Corpus
Jesus, word of God incarnate, of the Virgin Mary born, on the cross thy sacred body. For us, with nails, was torn. Cleanse us by the blood and water streaming from thy pierced side. Feed us with thy body broken, now and in death's agony.

On Good Friday, I went to a concert which presented words and music in remembrance of the "The Passion of the Christ". I knew one of the women who was singing in the concert, and my friend and I thought the concert would be a nice way to spend this often solemn occassion.

The music performed was:
Motet: That Virgin's Child by Thomas Tallis

Sinfonia Sacrae: This Child is set for the fall by Heinrich Schutz

Stabat Mater (duet for two sopranos) by Giovanni Battista Pergolesi

Passion Cantata: Grabmusik by Mozart

The Mozart piece was the best, and written in 1767 when he was 11 years old. The man was just an absolute genius! The introduction for the music says that Grabmusik "was probably written for a devotional meditation before the representation of the Holy Sepulchre in a Salzburg church, possibly the cathedral"

The blog seems to loading as quickly as it used to. I was very worried about the old bloggie for awhile there.

I've been on a reading rampage, trying to get caught up to my reading plan for the year. I read two books that I really liked. I finished "The Girl in Hyacinth Blue" by Susan Vreeland. The story reminded me of the movie, "The Red Violin", and there was a similar story line which was kind of weird.

Then I read Octavia E. Butler's book, The Parable of the Sower. The book started to freak me out because it features an apocalyptic vision of a future California ravaged by drought and an unbelievable economic depression.

It's like Bulter looked into the future, and saw one possible future for the golden state and fictionalized it into a novel. Scary, scary stuff!

The book was published in 1995, and now in 2004 you can see the seeds of the world she created in the book beginning to sprout. I just hope it doesn't get that bad.

I went to the library and borrowed the next book in the series, and have already started on it. I hope she keeps writing more for this series.

I feel good that I'm reading again. I got so behind in my monthly reading schedule because of all my stressorama with my job. One good thing about commuting to work every day on the train is that I can read a book for about 20 minutes going to work, and 20 minutes again coming home.

I can't really read "heavy" books on the train because the time is too short for me to concentrate on the story, but fast good reads make for great commuter reading.

I borrowed Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from the library to read on the train. It's a small enough paperbook that it fits into my purse, and it's a good commuter read.

My stupid portable cd player/radio/tape player ate on my favorite tapes! God I hate that! Oh well. I have buy another boom box anyway for my living room, since the very old one I have doesn't play some of my cds anymore. I'll put the old boom box in my bedroom and get a new boom box for the living room.

One of these days I'll buy a proper stereo, but I'm like what's the point if I can't blast it loud because I live in an apartment building with overly sensitive neighbors. The neighbors in my old building used to call and tell me my boom box was too loud.

Loud? How load can a small boombox get? Those peple were such freaks, but they were related to the one of the people who owned the building so it wasn't like I could get into a stereo war with them.

I need to do some serious electronic shopping. I need a new TV, a DVD player so I can join Netflix, a new vcr, and now a new boom box. There goes the extra vacation money from my old job.

My crazy blog. It wasn't loading right, and I think one of my counters had upgraded and changed their code. Once I deleted the code, the blog loaded as instantly as it did before Friday.

What a pain! I never used that counter anyway, so I'm not going to put it back.

My blog is still loading slowly. I don't know what to do. I've emailed Blogger about the problem, and still no fix. I was one of those fools who decided to upgrade and pay for the blog as well, and yet I'm the one who seems to have the most problems. Every time there's a problem with Blogger, I'm affected.

What a pain! But Blogger is free now and I guess you get what you pay for. If I hadn't upgraded and paid, I wouldn't mind so much. But now I feel like Blogger is punishing me because I was once a paying customer.

That's a little backwards and ridiculous isn't it?

A blogging game.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog, and pass it on by posting it along with these instructions on your site.

"This reply, duly conveyed, enraged Viswaamitra who exploded into a curse that Vasishtha's sons do die and be re-born for seven generations in a tribe given to eating dog's flesh." from "The Ramayana" as summarised by Sri C. Rajagopalachari.

For my film history class, we watched "The Piano" by Jane Campion. I first saw this movie when it came out in the early 90's, and it was interesting to watch it again years later. Here are some interesting observations I had:

1. When I first saw this movie, I hated the husband. This time around I was very sympathetic to the husband. It takes two to make a marriage fail and both Ada and her husband made mistakes.

2. The sexual game that Ada and Harvey Keitel played was sensous and erotic. Previously, I thought the game was demeaning and nasty, and now I'm like "hmmm, interesting and very sexy."

3. Still thinking after all these years, "is it worth wrecking your marriage so you can have sex with Harvey Keitel?"

4. Ada's daughter was so cruel and I never really got until the second viewing years later, that the little girl probably felt abandoned by Ada. The daughter had her mother all to herself before going to New Zealand, and now she had to share her with Harvey Keitel. The daughter didn't mind the Sam Neil character because he never made demands on Ada's time, but with Harvey Keitel, Ada ignored the daughter.

5. The Harvey Keitel character really loved Holly Hunter's character Ada. Back then I thought it was romantic, and now I think "okay, so he's not the best looking guy in the world, his bum is decent and all but the rest of him including those tatoos on his face are annoying, but you know maybe all that really matters is the fact that he really loved her and was smart enough to get that the piano really mattered to her."

6. I used to love the ending of "The Piano", even though friends argued passionately at the time that the movie should have ended with Ada committing suicide with the piano. My friends said "The Piano" had a Hollywood happy ending. I told them I would've hated the movie if it ended with a suicide, because I love Hollywood happy endings. Now, I can go either way. I still love the happy ending with Ada and Harvey Keitel ending up together, but I now see merit in a suicide ending.

My blog wasn't loading because of some server problem. These things always happen to my bloggie.

**************
From: "Blogger Support"
To: "Brenda ElfGirl (251098,3048307)"
Sent: Friday, April 16, 2004 9:26 AM
Subject: Re: [#46443] Can't see my blog

Hi there-

Thanks for letting us know about the problem with your blog not loading - it's most likely related to some server maintenance we performed late yesterday afternoon, and our sysadmins are working to fix it immediately.
*************

However, it appears to be loading fine now on my end.

So I think there's something wrong with my blog. I can't even see it. I'm hoping if I post something, it will show up again.

So it's like so evil. I'm suffering from the curse of Steve, the one that got away. This is how the curse of Steve works. Every time I see a guy that even very remotely resembles him, the curse of Steve kicks in and I find myself amazingly attracted to the Steve look-alike. Like it doesn't matter what kind of personality the guy has or how smart the guy is, I'm like totally attracted to him because he kind of looks like Steve.

What a curse! And like lately, there are so many guys that look like him. The guy is like so generic to have that many lookalikes walking around and on TV. It's like so embarrassing to think I was even attracted to such a generic looking individual. Think of a non-descript dark blondie/strawberry blondie boy with freckles, around 6 ft with a medium build and hazel brown eyes. How generic is that.

That thing with him ended like so long ago that honestly I think his features are so blurry in my mind, but I swear to god whenver I see a guy that kinda sorta looks like him it's like the attraction buzzer goes off in my brain and I look at the guy and think "cute and he reminds me of Steve".

And I like so bet that Steve, the one that got away, so does not remember me and couldn't pick me out in a mug shot lineup if his life depended on it. Yet here I am, so suffering with the curse of Steve.

Went to a birthday party on Angel Island. Spent the whole day drinking way too much, then I ended up in a bar near Pier 39 with a friend and kept drinking and watching the Giants lose to the Padres. Talked to a guy whose father was in the Battle of the Bulge and who heard Patton speak. Then to another guy from Atlanta who works at Bechtel and is here doing some work.

I forgot how fun it is to talk to random guys in a bar, especially when you've had way too much to drink.

Last night I partially watched the ABC news special with Peter Jennings called "Jesus and Paul -- The Word and the Witness". What a joke that program was for anyone who has seriously studied the origins of the bible. I was offended, and I've only taken a few Sunday morning church sponsored bible classes.

First of all, the main Christian theologians they had on the show were the infamous authors of the "Jesus Seminar", which looked at the origins of the historical Jesus. Marcus Borg, who I wrote about in a earlier post, was his usual icky self. N.T. Wright, who despite all his historical objections about Jesus could only offer up at the end that he couldn't nor can anyone for that matter, expliain how Christianity became such a dominant religion. John Dominic Crossan, who wrote great books, but sounded like a non-believer as well.

Only Luke Timothy Johnson who wrote "The Real Jesus, The Misguided Quest for the Historical Jesus and the Truth of the Traditional Gospels, sounded like he was a Christian. Everyone else sounded so skeptical and so un-Christian.

I mean, how can you explain faith? How can you explain why you believe the way you do. It's such a personal thing, so individual and so wonderfully human. It's such a post-modernist mistake to try to explain faith in scientific terms.

And then that whole thing about Paul. The bit where Peter Jennings is asking people visiting the Vatican if they knew who Paul was, how dumb was that. Paul was a follower of Christ. He never claimed to be the messiah, Yeshua, he was doing his disciple thing and spreading christianity. I think Paul would have been so insulted if he was aware that people knew anything about him.

Paul's main mission was to spread Christianity to the gentile world. And yes, okay, Paul interpreted jewish beliefs through a greek lens so non-jews could understand Jesus' teachings, but so what. That's part of being a messenger of God; interpreting JC's word so it can easily be understood by the people who need to hear his message.

I'm not sure what Peter Jennings was trying to accomplish by comparing JC and Paul. Paul was a messenger of God, and not the messiah. Even Paul knew that.

Saturday was a good day. I sat in a cafe and started on my new book, The Girl in Hyacinth Blue by Susan Vreeland. Then I worked out for an hour, and did half an hour of weights.

Later I went to the mall to check out the sales, and ended up buying a new skirt to wear for easter service and a long rayon skirt that was a steal at $27. It's not a skirt I'd wear to work, but it's a skirt I'd wear to a nice dinner; a dinner skirt.

On Sunday I was bad. I went to Palm Sunday service, and then on whim decided to check out the outlet stores in Petaluma. There's a Coach outlet store there, and I have this horrible habit of buying a new bag every time I start a new job.

I told myself I wasn't going to buy a new purse, and instead pick up a new makeup case for my purse. My current makeup purse is dotted with pen stains and other stains of unknown origins. It's not like I needed another Coach bag because I already own six of them. But old habits die hard, and yes I bought another Coach bag. This new one wasn't as expensive as the last Coach bag I bought, but it wasn't cheap either. And of course, I also bought a new makeup bag.

But the evil god of shopping must have been sitting on my shoulder, because I ended up with several more purchases. Like I really need to buy new clothes when I need to replace my tv so I can buy a DVD player, not to mention I need to replace my cd player because it now won't play some of my cds.

At the Nine West outlet, I ended up trying on a pair of black heels that were so darned comfortable I had to buy them. They're not the best looking shoes I've seen in my life, but for heels they're divinely comfortable.

At the Jones New York outlet store, I bought three skirts for the unbelievable price of $65. The skirts were 1) a knee length plaid skirt in green 2) a linen knee length blend skirt in blue and 3) a knee length denim skirt. Can't beat the price for these pricey clothes.

At the Liz Clairborne outlet, I bought a long blue skirt that I have to lose about 5 pounds to fit into. The print was gorgeous so I had to have it. Then I bought a necklace with matching earrings, and couple more pairs of earrings. Not as good of a deal like at Jones New York, but not too shabby either.

At the Bass outlet, I almost bought a pair of penny loafers. I haven't worn those since college, and they would have looked so cute with the plaid skirt. But they didn't have my size. I ended up buying two t-shirts to wear under sweater for $10 each.

On the way home, I stopped at the Staples store in Novato and bought a new record book for note taking at work. My boss has the same kind of book and I was admiring it. The sucker was not cheap at $34, but it's got 300 pages and it looks so professional. I was taking notes in a steno book, and after 13 days I had filled 75% of it. I take a ton of notes at all those darn meetings that I have to attend.

Wandering around Staples I started to feel twinges of guilt for all the money I had that day, so I bought a box of envelopes to save money and address labels. I was going to buy those nice custom address labels, but decided it was cheaper to print my own. I could print them and put a sticker on them for a decoration.

Then lastly, I went grocery shopping and bought food so I could start bringing my lunch to work 4 days a week to make up for all the money I spent.

Thankfully I cashed in about four weeks of vacation time when I left my old job, so I have some extra money. I was going to use part of that money to buy a new TV, DVD player and stereo, which I'm probably still going to do and then pay some debts off with the remainder.

I love all my purchases because it's so fun to have new work clothes that actually fit. My old work clothes fit, but they're really loose around the hips. That's the reason I keep telling to myself to justify all my clothes shopping.

Like I really need new clothes right now when I'm still trying to lose weight. With my luck, in two months these new clothes will also be too loose on me. That will kind of irritate me a little bit, although the shopaholic part of me can't wait till that day.

Just in case you're confused about my job adventures, here's the scoop.

I applied for this job at this company. They wanted to hire me, but they said I first needed to contract with them for 30 days to see how we would all get along. If at the end of 30 days everything was going well, the company would convert me from contract to permanent full time status.

I started on March 17 and if I was going to convert to FTE status, my official hire date would be April 19.

I was very lucky because the company decided that they liked me, I liked them, and so they offered to convert to full time status two weeks earlier than originally planned and they also gave me more money.

Make sense?

There is good news on the job front. The company I've been contracting with offered me the job two weeks before my planned start date of April 19.

I received an offer letter on Thursday with a little more money than what they originally promised. YEAH!!! I also had to take a take a drug test this morning, but that's standard for most jobs.

I start as a permanent full time employee on Monday. I'm happy because I can relax a little now. Once again I have a permanen t job with benefits and it's a very good thing.

I hope I can now begin to establish an after work routine of writing and working out. I need my extracurricular activities back in my life.

I've been wading through the new company's benefits package tonight. The vision and dental suck! At my last company, the vision and dental benefits were good and the medical benefits were so so. The new company has a bit more benefits than the old one, so I pay a little more.

I have a massage theray benefit, and I'm definitely going to take advantage of it. And they offer flex spending for the costs that the company doesn't offer. The vision plan isn't bad if you visit their eyecare specialists, but I've been going to the same guy since the mid 1990's and I really don't feel like changing. My dentist isn't covered and I have decide if I want to pay more to go see him, or switch to this dentist that my chiropractor in Berkeley is recommending.

I almost feel like changing my PCP as well, because my old PCP was starting to get on my nerves. I really like the PCP I had with the last company, but she's not on this new company's list of doctors.

My boss said I was in some kind of company bonus incentive program, have no idea what this is. I think it probably means that if the company does well, I'll get a bonus equal to the percentage in my offer letter. This is a new thing.

I may have good news on the job front, but I don't want to write about it and perhaps jinx it till it happens. In this shaky world of ours, I'm not going on anything till it happens in real time. Talk is cheap and action is the only thing that really counts.

Check this book out, The Game of Life and How to Play It by Florence Scovel Shin. I read this book whenever I'm looking for a new job, and it helps, it really really helps somehow.

I wonder if San Francisco Supervisor Matt Gonzalez's announcement that he won't run for reelection is just some ploy to get his supporters to beg him to stay in politics. Talk about a great way to get publicity.

Announce your leaving politics forever, have your supporters start a campaign to beg you not to leave, and then tell the media how everyone loves you and supports you too much for you to leave. Announce your triumphant return to San Francisco politics.

We shall see.

I was on the 41 Union bus that goes through the Marina tonight, on my way to a roastery to buy coffee. A chick gets on the bus with another girl carrying a Coach shopping bag.

The two women sit down and the chick takes a shoe box out of the bag, and starts to show her friend her new Coach brand flip flops, ie rubber slippers. They're called the Carin Sandal.

Okay, so I know it's like Coach and all, but $70 for rubber slippers with a 1 1/4 inch heel. Come on. How Marina girl can you get?

I spent most of the weekend in bed with allergies. I'm getting desperate, and if the allergies won't go away I'm going to try Claritin. Claritin can be bought over the counter now, and everyone I know says it's great.

I have a second midterm exam for my film history class on Thursday, so I did end up studying on both days. Still it's so not fun to cooped up at home afraid to go out, because being outside makes me sneeze and stuffs up my nose.

The hot weather here is such a drag for my allergies. But I'm not the only one. There are a ton of people at work complaining about their allergies as well.

I hate that I feel like such a loser at work. I think this feeling stems from the fact that I'm contracting, and not a permanent hire. I've got meetings scheduled through the week of April 5, and then if the job doesn't work out I'm gone the next week.

My bosses keep acting like I'll be there forever because I'm schedule to be on a project team that ends May 31. Then my big boss today told me I have to replicate this study that was done in the fall of last year. I can see that study taking at least three weeks to complete. Then there's training I'm supposed to have to use some software tool they bought for $200K. And then we had a meeting today about some work that's supposed to start in July.

I hate that everyone is treating me like I'm a full time employee, when I'm actually not. I was in a meeting on Wednesday when one of my bosses announced that some person on his floor quit after three days. He said it was a mutual decision.

I feel like quitting my every day, but I know I can't because I need income to live. I just feel so overwhelmed 90% of the time. My big boss is tossing my name around in meetings, and volunteering for me to do all these projects.

Remeber that analysis that I made a little mistake on yesterday? I received an email this afternoon saying that the VP I sent it it was forwarding my analysis to another VP for his input and review. And I'm like great ... more people to notice that the titles of the chart aren't quite right.

I found out this morning that another file I sent to the VP last night was missing some information that I thought the IT guy had sent. I should have checked it more thoroughly before I sent it off, but I thought the IT guy was going to just replicate what he had sent me before and that dataset was perfect.

I really need to double check my work and slow down. I feel such pressue to perform and perform well. And I don't perform well under pressure at all, as you've no doubt noticed.

My new job is so tiring. I come home exhausted every night. I have so much to do and so many meetings to attend. It's such a change from my old job, but it's a good change.

The head of my department came over to my cube and said she was very happy with me so far. Her exact words were "it's like night and day between you and the person you're replacing." I hope her opinion doesn't change when it comes time for me to go permanent. I really like my direct boss; she is such a nice person. Everyone is so nice.

I had back to back meetings with these guys I met in a meeting last Thursday. They were helping me with a presentation for the head of my group. These guys were so sweet and nice and so helpful. The head of my group told me that the presentation was successful, and she got what she wanted.

I went to a vendor presentation at a hotel this morning. There were supposed to be nine people there, but only three of us showed up. Me and two guys from PBGH. From their site, "Founded in 1989, The Pacific Business Group on Health (PBGH) is a non-profit coalition of major California employers that is nationally recognized for its efforts to improve the quality and availability of health care while moderating costs. "

These guys were really smart and from what I could gather, big wigs in the California healthcare scene. I felt like such a nobody being at the presentation with them. I didn't say anything the whole time. I'm still too dazed by my new job to feel comfortable. I wish my boss had come with me, but she was in a usability study this morning. She would loved shooting the breeze with these guys.

I sent my first analysis off to a VP this afternoon. My boss keeps telling me that my analysis is for this "high profile" project. I'm definitely working way too fast, and need to be more careful. After I sent the analysis off, I noticed that I had some table headings wrong. It's not a big mistake, but it's still a mistake and it just doesn't look good.

The analysis is sound, but now I feel like I'll get dinged because I messed the titles of my charts up. I'm so mad at myself. I should have just left it to the morning so I could review it again when I was fresh. I had my boss and this other manager review it, but nobody noticed it. It's not their job to notice it I guess, it's mine to make sure it's correct.

I hope the VP I sent it to isn't nitpicker and just doesn't notice it. I wonder what the chance is of that happening? I'll just have to be more careful next time, and not rush myself. It's better to be late in sending things off than to send things off with mistakes right?

A friend got free tickets to see a play that was the hit of the San Francisco Fringe Festival. It was supposed to be an absurdist musical, and the reviews said it was really funny. It wasn't all that amusing and it wasn't that great, but at least we didn't pay for it. The woman who is the owner of the theater was sitting next us, and I'm not even sure if she liked the play because she hardly laughed.

It's probably one of those plays that are good if you see it when the theatre is full, and everyone is a little rowdy and a little drunk. You end up laughing and enjoying it, only because everyone around is going crazy over it and so you get into it so you don't feel left out. It's like theater peer pressure. If everybody else is laughing, it must be funny right?

Then we went to Original Joe's to have some dinner. The food is italian dinner and old fashioned, but for a cheap price they serve you huge portions of food so you always feel like you've got your money's worth by eating there because you have enough for a meal for the next day.

As we were leaving the restaurant and turning on Eddy Street, we see these police cars on full siren driving down the street. Then we saw two cops running down the street. It was like a scene out of "Cops", and automatically I heard the "Cops" theme song in my head. "Bad boys. what you gonna do, what you gonna do when then come for you."

The theater and restaurant are in the bad part of town called the "Tenderloin". It's the red light district with hookers, seedy hotels, drug dealers galore, and assorted junkies and freaks hanging out on the street.

My friend didn't want to walk down Eddy, so we headed down Taylor and the scene there looked dicey as well. Then I suggested we go up a block to avoid the police melee. and she said no because the next street up was even worse because of the drug dealers.

Of course secretly, I wanted to go walk down Eddy Street and watch the cops do their thing because whenever I see cops on the street arresting people it makes me feel like I'm in a movie or in a police crime drama show on TV. I told my friend that the cops running like that made me feel like I was in a movie, and she said it wouldn't be a movie if we got caught in the crossfire of a gun battle.

But Eddy was the only safest street to walk through that night, so we waited to see what the police would do. There were four cop cars lined up on the left side of the street with their lights flashing, and the two cops whom we saw running down the street, were now returning in the direction they had come from.

So we cautiously proceeded down the street trying to be hyper alert for gun sightings and or gun shots. When we passed the two cops, I heard one of them say it was a code 4.

I was wondering if code 4 was MDK, or murder-death-kill, and then I annoyed my friend because I started chanting murder-death-kill, murder-death-kill. Then we saw two different cops running up the street, but by then we were a block away from Union Square and anxious to get home.

It's so weird to get back to the cable car turnaround at Union Square thinking there might a possible police shootout two to three blocks away. My friend talked about tourists getting lost and ending up in the Tenderloin. Will they feel like they're in an episode of "Cops", or maybe a movie or a police crime drama tv show?

Yes, stress, travelling and changing jobs is not good for my weight loss plan, but at least I've only gained 1/2 a pound. I've lost 10 pounds since February 4, but I have so much more to go.

It feels good that with all the new job stress I'm under that I'm not pigging out and self medicating myself by eating. I haven't been working out either, but I hope to remedy that next week. I want to work out at least three times next week after work, and spend an hour to 1.5 hours writing prior to going to the gym.

I'll leave work, find some place to hang out and write, then by the time I've done my daily writing hopefully the gym will be less crowded and I can go work out. It will be good to have my writing and exercise completed before I get home, so then I have the rest of the night free to relax or go straight to bed or even read a book.

I have not done any reading at all. When I'm stressed as I have been these last two months, I can't even read. Reading takes way too much effort when I'm freaking out. I am so far behind on my monthly reading plan, but once I get back into a routine and the job goes into permanent status I'm hoping to jam in some major reading time to get caught up. Then I'll be back on track with the number of books I'm supposed to be reading per month.

I went to my office half an hour earlier because of the protest, and the building was locked and surrounded by tons of police people in riot gear. They weren't very many protestors, but the building security people and the police were not letting anybody through.

My new boss called me and we met and sat in a coffee shop for about 20 minutes, and then tried again to get into our building. By around 9 am, they were letting people in again as long as you showed your badge ID. My new boss took myself and the guy I'm replacing out to lunch, and when we left the building the security was still tight and we weren't sure if they were going to let us out.

By the time we came back from lunch, it looked like all the protestors were gone. When I left work, the police barriers were still up and there were guards and a few police outside of the building just in case anything else happened.

There weren't very many protestors, but I guess enough to spook people out. I saw a bunch of protestors dressed in pink ballerina tutus, but I had no idea what they were doing. There such a feeling of violence in the air, something I've never experienced before in any protest I've ever been in here in San Francisco, back home in Hawaii, and even in Washington, DC. It just felt like people were waiting to hit something, somebody, anything.

When did protestors become so darn angry and violent? I've been in protests with over a quarter of million people in Washington DC, and I never felt the violence I felt on the streets of downtown San Francisco this morning.

At my writing class on Monday during a break, I was expressing some concern about the protests because I knew it would be just my third day at my new job and I didn't want to be late for work since I work hourly and needed the money. One of the women in class, who just assumed I had been in previous anti-war protests, told me lighten up because "didn't I remember how fun the anti-warprotests were last year?"

I just looked at her and didn't say anything. I was like so shocked and deeply offended that she just automatically assumed that all people in San Francisco feel the same way politically about everything, and that of course I would be at the anti-war protests. I would never make that kind of assumption about anyone, especially about political issues in the San Francisco Bay Area.

It's such an arrogant San Francisco Bay Area mindset to think that everyone thinks the same way politically. I think people here think that the rest of the country feels exactly the same way we do about political issues, or if they don't they should. It's such a fascist attitude to me to just assume that everyone thinks the same way about everything, and if they don't then they're either stupid or there is definitely something wrong with them.

I never expect anyone to have the same opinions I do, especially political opinions. Politics is so deeply personal, like religion and sex. And since everyone on this planet is unique, it makes perfect sense to me that every single person could have a totally different political opinion than mine.

My assumption, and it's probably a wrong one, is that every single person thinks deeply about politics and has informed opinions that are uniquely their own and no one else's. I think about politics very deeply and try to stay informed. I would never adopt or parrot a political opinion without studying and researching it first, just because my parents, my friend, my family, people I admire, and the media have that certain political opinion.

Politics is way too important to me for me to not think deeply about an issue and to look at an issue from all sides before forming my own individual and unique opinion.

I've only been at my new job three days, and I've already brought work home because I have a 9 am meeting on Monday that I need to prepare for. It's a good project for me because it's something I've done before so I kind of feel like I kind of know what I'm doing. I'm in familiar territory because the project involves clinical analysis, and that's been my main job for the last three years. This project is a little more involved, but at least I'm used to looking at clinical data.

My boss has never done clinical analysis, so I am on my own here but at least I feel qualified to actually do this project. My boss feels put out because the project was dumped in her lap from some VP, and it's an area she has no expertise in. It's kind of like the VP heard a new analyst was being hired, so she thought "great, let's see what the new analyst can do and if she really has healthcare experience and is worth the salary we're forking out for her."

OY!!! I've had a hard three day start to my new job. I feel like they expect me to hit the ground running, and I'm like sitting there wishing I could have a job where all I did was answer the telephone or some mindless activity like that.

The clinical analysis stuff I can do, the financial data modeling I'm not so sure of only because I haven't done any real finance work since 1997. Back then I built my own sales financial models, but I was used to doing finance work.

I did a search on Amazon.com and will probably buy some financial modeling books just to refresh myself. I think I'll feel more comfortable once I do some research. The guy who I'm replacing built a very robust financial model that I'm hoping will last for a couple of years before a new one has to be built.

I don't why the finance aspect of my job is freaking me out, because in my finance work life I used to prepare information to go in 10Qs, annual reports, shareholder reports, and quarterly earnings releases. I even worked on an IPO once, and had to sign SEC agreements not to divulge company secrets because I was considered an "insider" and could be held liable for "insider trading". What a laugh!

But that was years ago, and I'm just not used to doing that kind of work anymore.

Being in a new job is so draining. I feel so inadequate for my new job. It's not that job is that hard, difficult yes, but not impossible. It's just that I keep having this feeling that I'm overwhelmed. I know I've felt this way at other new jobs, but I just don't remember it ever being this bad.

I don't know. I feel stupid. I shouldn't feel stupid, but that's the way I feel. My intuition tells me that I'm just having first week jitters at my new job, and that everything will be fine. The first month of any new job is difficult because you're learning new things and getting used to new people, new work and different routines.

I remember being at one job where I kept wanting to quit during the first month, but I stuck it out and that job turned out to be one of my better jobs. I hope that I'm just having first week of job freakout and that it's not something worse.

My first day of work in an office, and I'm like so stressed. My boss called in me in the afternoon and said I have to attend a meeting with her tomorrow and her boss, even though I probably won't understand anything that's going on.

So I'm back to cube land with no privacy, which is such a change from my office with a view in my last office. People at the office seem nice enough. There's good water and the company has its own cafeteria, but no free coffee. There's hot water in the good water dispenser, so if I bring my own tea bags I can drink tea.

There's a payphone on my floor. Is this a hint about not making personal phone calls on the company dime? Thank god for cell phones. I have a picture badge ID which gets me from floor to floor. I'm going to need it on Friday for the anti-war demonstration on Friday.

My new building is right at one of the major demonstration sites, and a memo went around about the tighter security and advising employee to try to get to work early in case of demonstrators. I've managed to avoid the anti-war freaks since the war started, and now I'm at ground zero for the next demonstration.

I am so nervous about going to my new job tomorrow. I don't remember it being like this before, or maybe I just forgot because it's been so long since I've had to start over.

Starting over is so hard that I think most people stay in jobs that are not quite right for them because of the stress of having to begin again. Who needs that added stress in one's life. It was so much easier when I was changing jobs every two years because I was never really settled in one place, and starting over became so routine.

I hope this job works out, and I'm at it for a long, long time. It's always been my dream to find a job that I'll stay at for more than five years. It would be so nice to settle down and be comfortable at work finally, but I just don't see that happening even with this job.

My intuition tells me I'll be at this job for a quite awhile, but it won't be my last job ever. Something will come along to take me away, and I'll be sorry to leave the job but the opportunity coming will too hard to turn down. It's kind of an odd way to go into a job situation, knowing it won't be forever. But what job is forever is this kind of economy anyway?

My experience has been that even the best of jobs don't stay the best forever. Your group changes, your boss moves on or gets promoted, the company moves in a different direction, and so on. I know someone who's been in their job for over 20 years, but I think that's really rare. It's just not the nature of business these days.

People change and businesses change, and it seems like every year and the changes come faster and faster. Of course, I'm putting the cart before the horse. I mean, who knows, maybe I'll find out in these 30 days that this job is not a good fit. I hope not, but that is always a possibility.

I'm just hoping that the 30 days will fly by and everything will work out and I'll have some semblance of job security so I can go back to concentrating on my writing, getting to my goal weight, and working out.

I have the day off today before I start my new job tomorrow. I'm looking at my wardrobe and thinking, I so don't have any work clothes for this kind of hot weather. It never gets this hot in San Francisco.

My boss said the dress code is business casual, but when I was interviewing the people I saw were quite well dressed. Aaarrggh!! I need some new clothes.

All my really nice work clothes are kind of too big, but I don't want to start buying stuff till I get to my goal weight and they hire me on permanently.

I haven't worked in downtown San Francisco in years. Who knows what the prevailing fashions are these days? I was thinking of wearing short skirts all week, but I'm going to be training with a guy and I want to be comfortable. Guess it's long skirts till I figure the lay of the land out.

Friday is jeans day, but at the company before this one, my boss used to look down on people who wore jeans on Friday. She told me it looked too scruffy. She always wore nice pants and a blazer on Fridays, but then again she was an officer of the compnay, a Sr VP and a CIO.

It was a beautiful sunny weekend in San Francisco, but I spent most of it in bed because of my allergies. The hot weather must have upped the pollen count, and my body reacted accordingly.

On Saturday I went to my chiro/kineseologist in Berkeley, and he even said my body was not in the best of shape. He did some work on me to clear things up, and I was thinking of hanging out and shopping till dinner time and then visiting with a friend who lives out there, but by 11:30 am I had the worse headache.

My friend told me to come and watch her dance at her flamenco class, and I did that, but by that time my head was throbbing so badly. I did manage to drop by REI, which was right across from her dance class place, and pick up some new water bottles which was on my list of errands, but that was it for me other than grocery shopping.

I came home, took a nap, finally broke down and took some aspirin, went back to bed and woke back up at 7 pm. My headache was gone but I was still not feeling right, and I watched TV the rest of the night.

Slept fitfully Saturday night, and decided to skip church on Sunday. I slept till 1:30 pm, and when I woke up I felt better for the first time all week.

I spent the rest of the day and night, doing some light cleaning and watching TV. When I woke up this morning, I felt better and only sniffled a little bit. Hopefully this is a sign that my body has finally adjusted to the new temperatures, and the allergy symptoms will go away.

I only get allergy attacks the first week of really hot weather, and then they're gone and only come back when the news says the pollen count is going through the roof.

I've been watching the news reports on the terrorists bombings in Spain, and the people marching in the streets. Watching it all brought back memories of 9/11, and how difficult that time was, still is, for not only the victims and their families, but the whole country as well. Of course, there is chatter all over the Net that again the US is next.

Words of wisdom from Plato.

The penalty that good men pay for not being interested in politics is to be governed by men worse than themselves. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE)

My kitchen smells like my childhood kitchen. I think my grandma is visiting me from heaven, because she's so worried about me and my current job situation.

It's the weirdest feeling in the world to walk into my kitchen and have it smell like how I remember my home kitchen smelling when I was a little girl, a smell I think of as a grandma smell.

Since I don't quite have a real drop yet as I'll be contracting for 30 days, I know I really shouldn't be spending any money. But at Costco today I saw Dr. Phil's dieting book on the book rack, and broke down and bought it. Friends of mine who read it and loved it, people I really trust, kept telling me I need to read it. I hope they're right, since I had the buy the hard copy of the book.

I didn't really follow my eating plan while on my training/business trip. I was eating alot and knew it, but I was so stressed out that I didn't care. My stress level was so high, I was even tempted to smoke. Thank god I decided to stay in a non-smoking room at the hotel, where the fine is $50 if you smoke. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have been chainsmoking every night.

I feel better now that I'm home. But it's also TOM time, and my h-mones might be going haywire. I sometimes get really depressed for no reason the night before it starts.

Two more days of work, and then I'm free of the crazy place. This is the first job that I've left with such bad feelings. I dislike having such bad feelings about my current employer. They are so not worth me expending any emotional energy on, especially a powerful emotion like hate.

I don't hate them, but they've made my leaving experience with them not very nice. The two guys I trained started to remind of the dotcom people I interviewe with once; those guys were so arrogant. I was so happy when I found out the company went under six months after my interview. Those guys were so nasty.

The training trip was however good for gossip. I found out that the company is not doing as well financially as they're saying they are. They're making money, but just only barely. There's a rumor that a big client's business might be declining. The client just had massive layoff and if they're looking to cut costs, I can see them cutting my company loose. Should that ever happen, my current employer will be in a deep financial hole.

My evil twin side is praying for this scenario happen. I can't help it. Those people I met with made me feel like a stupid, worthless, lazy employee. They totally denigrated the work I do, even though I had to help of of them this morning write a report query. Afterwards he said it was so simple, and I'm like thinking well if it was so darn easy, why did you ask me to help you solve it. Dummy!

My stupid new GSM wireless phone doesn't seem to work very well. For the first time since I've had my wireless service, I had dropped calls. I hate that! I should have stuck to my more expensive plan, but I wanted to save some money. Sometimes saving money is not the best decision. The stupid phone doesn't even work in my room. What's the point of having a cell phone if you can't use it.

I really hate my job right now. It's hard to train people on what you've been doing for the last four years. I can only teach the basics because that's what we have time for, and it comes across as idiot work. Whatever. I'd like to see my replacement spend months developing a project from scratch and improving on it.

I overhead the two guys I'm training saying something like my work was so easy. That made me so mad. They also kept saying how I should have automated my work, but I'm like who has time. Then I went to lunch with this friend I know from the offfice, and I told what the guys said. She said that that the guy's been saying for a year how he's going to automate his own work, but that he's never done it.

So I'm like, how dare that guy diss on me for not automating my work. Whatever. I came back to my hotel room feeling totally horrible about my intelligence, my work habits and my job skills. I don't know what to think. I know what one of the guys does, and I don't think it takes a ton of brain power to do his job either.

When he was going to train me, he said it took a week to do this one task. I looked at the task and thought, what the heck is this guy talking about. It only takes two days at the most to do it. So I'm like, you know that guy can think what he thinks because it's not like he's any better.

I hate when I get affected by people at work. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it has. I don't even think I want to do consulting for these people. I feel so stupid for even offering it, even though financially it's a great idea for me. But I'm like if they say no, I'll be so relieved. I can't wait until I sever my relationship totally with this crazy company.

I'm at a Courtyard Marriot somewhere in Sacramento. I'm supposed to have a free internet broadband connection, but I can't get through my company firewall. I think it's set up so I have to go through the VPN, and I don't want to do that. So I dialed my standby ISP connection. Thank god I kept it.

I'm typing and watching American Idol. It will probably be the highlight of my day. The traffic was so bad this morning that it took an hour to get out of San Francisco, so I got to my office half an hour late.

I thought I was going to just train one person, but now I'm training two. At least they're nice guys. Still after about four hours, one of them said he had enough. And I'm like great! We've got 1.5 days of training to go.

I'm hoping we can go at least 6 hours tomorrow. Whatever. It's their loss if we don't get it all done. I can't believe I'm going to to be in another job by next Wednesday.

I had dinner with one of the guys I'm training from the corporate office in New Jersey. We had a very interesting conversation about company business, which made me really glad I'm leaving. He confirmed all my suspicions about the future of the company, which kind of made me feel good because it tells me my intuition is never that far off and it is definitely serving me well.

Yeah! My taxes are done, and I'm getting my refund in two weeks. I get another refund from the state, which I wasn't expecting.

I'm so busy today preparomg documents so I can train the guy who is going to take over my job. We have 2.5 to 3 days to do it.. There's so much to do and definitely not enough time. Oh well. Having done this before, I can only do what I can and I can't worry about it.

Most bosses think that they can so easily replace any employee. No one is indispensible but every time you lose an employee, you lose your intellectual capital. Oh well. That's a company's problem right?

I'm getting old. I actually kind of agree with Ann Coulter on her take on the liberal press and Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of Christ", The Passion of the Liberal.

I never thought I'd see the day where I would agree with anything that conservative harridan had to say. SCARY!!!

I was so happy red-haired American Idol boy John Stevens got through. I liked from his first audition and while I don't think he'll end up as the winner, he definitely has a music career ahead of him. He is so young.

I was surprised he got the highest vote count for the night, and I was almost tempted to call in and vote for him myself. He's got such a great voice, and his style is so different than what's on popular radio right now.

I know there are many people out there in America who want to be able to buy the kind of music that a singer like John Stevens might sing. There's a ton of people out there who hate rap and hip hop, and like music like Norah Jones. Someone on the American Idol chat boards said that perhaps Simon Cowell was thinking that John Stevens could be "the male Norah Jones." I remember even reading a interview with Simon Cowell where he said that the public was ready for singers like Clay Aiken from last year's show. Perhaps John Stevens is this year's "Clay Aiken".

John Stevens is just so amazingly adorable!

So I'm heading up to my corporate office in Sacramento next week to train some already overworked guy on how to do my job. I'm going to try and train this guy in two days on what I've been doing for the last four years. Whatever.

I feel bad for him because I was supposed to take some work off of his schedule, and now he's going to have to learn my job. They probably won't pay him any extra money either.

This is spooky. Here's my horoscope for today.

Have you ever seen one of those speeded-up films showing a flower opening? Such movement is taking place all around us. We fool ourselves into thinking that our situations are static. We imagine nothing will ever alter. For good or for bad, we have got what we have got, or so we figure. Thus, change, even the inevitable, takes us by surprise. The change you are going through, has been a long time coming. Finally, though, it is starting to happen in a big way.

I've been renting the HBO series "Band of Brothers", and when I think about what those guys went through I feel ashamed at my own meager suffering. I had this same feeling when I watched Adrien Brody in "The Pianist" last year. I felt ashamed for worrying about getting laid off, when the pianist character had to worry about staying alive.

My film history teacher is your typical political left wing college professor. He was denigrating the actions of the US in World War 2, especially after he'd seen Robert MacNamara in "The Fog of War". MacNamara was the one who ordered the fire bombing of Japan, and my film history teacher was ranting on about that.

And I'm sitting there thinking, okay, the Nazis bombed London, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and Robert MacNamara is a bad guy. I'm not about to defend Robert MacNamara, but come on. You can't single him out, and not talk about the Nazi bombings of Europe, the Final Solution and the Holocaust of the Jews, not to mention how many chinese people the Japanese army killed. The Chinese still bear grudges against Japan for those wartime atrocities.

I wouldn't mind that my film history professor was a left wing political radical so much, if he could argue his position logically instead of taking the moral high ground. What, like he doesn't think that the people in the class don't know their world war 2 history as well.

Of course no one in class says anything back to him. Why even bother? It's so not worth it. Why argue with someone who doesn't base his opinions on logic? The film history professor only softened his world war 2 stance when one of the guys in class brought his dad to class. He wouldn't have dared spout that illogical world war 2 anti-US rhetoric against someone who looked like they could have been a young soldier defending the country during the second world war.

Why he does it to us his class is so disrespectful, like we're so uneducated that we couldn't argue his butt into the ground if we felt like it. But it's a night class, who has the energy to argue with a left wing political nut? When he starts his political ranting, people just sit there frozen and no one talks and we pray that he shut up and just start the movie. This is a film history class, and not a platform for him to spout his illogical anti-US drivel.

And I sit there thinking, well, now I know why people don't want to fund public education. He wouldn't be so bad either, if he could just argue his opinions logically and use facts. I could respect him for that, because I would know he respected me enough to make sure his arguments make sense. But he doesn't do that, and he talks to us like we don't know anything about anything. It's kind of like getting an education at the DMV.

Wow, I'm like freaking out! Changing jobs is so stressful! I thought moving apartments and grandma dying suddenly last year was stressful, but this is one is right up there.

This is my fifth job in 13 years. When I was changing jobs every two years, the whole process was stressful but I was so used to doing it and it was happening so often that I think I became used to it. I've been at this current job now for four years, and it's kind of frightening to think about leaving.

The current job sucks and has majorly sucked for a long time, but I was used to it. Now I'm going to have to start over, and although I'm not looking forward to it, I am, sort of looking forward being in a new place and making new friends and doing new things.

So I just talked to the medical consultant I've been working with since 2001, another ex-boss, and he was really bummed I was leaving. He said he's going to call my new boss tomorrow and talk to him. That was nice. I don't know what good it will do, but it is sweet that he wants to call. He said he's going to recommend that I continue to consult with the company for as long as possible, because I helped to develop the product.

The medical consultant, he's a gastroenterologist actually, told me he knows someone high up in management at the new company, and that he'll put in a good word for me with his friend. Isn't that sweet?

This doctor is really nice, tough and a little difficult to work with, but really, really fair. He doesn't get along with too many people, so I think he is truly sorry to see me go. I'll miss him too. This guy was really smart, and despite his sometimes gruff manner, very, very easy to work with and for.

So I resigned from my job today. My boss was really nice about it, and I'm not one to burn bridges so I offered them my consulting services until they can hire someone else. I told my boss, "I don't want to leave the company in a lurch, and I want to make my departure a win-win situation for everyone." My boss thought it was a good idea, and we're going to go over more stuff tomorrow morning.

He was so weird too. He said "I was just thinking it was working out fine that you were working at home in San Francisco", and I'm thinking "yeah right". But I said, "You know if the new job doesn't work out, I can always come back right?". And he laughed and said, "Sure." I think he was glad to see me go, but he wasn't going to say that either since they still need to me to get some work done.

It would be so much fun to burn some bridges, but it's not good karma and I may need to come crawling back to them if the new job doesn't work out.

I start my new job on March 17, St. Patrick's Day. It's a 30-day contract to perm arrangement, but I've spent every day since last Wednesday talking to my new boss that it feels like I already know her very well. I really like her, and I think that's a good thing.

But I am freaked out! This job hunt thing has been happening so fast. I just started applying for jobs on February 6, and by February 27 I was offered a job. A friend who's a recruiter in Silicon Valley told me that I should feel so incredibly grateful that I was able to get a job right away. She said it's a very tough job market out there. I even got a 6% raise in pay, and that's a miracle considering the horrible economy right now.

And I am so grateful, but I'm dizzied by the speed of the events. I don't think what just happened will sink in right away, probably not until I'm in my brand new office building in downtown San Francisco.

I really need to write out my metaphorical reading of Mel Gibson's "The Passion" movie. In my own mind, it's kind of like vewing The Passion of Christ from a christian mysticism perspective. Like how would Bernard of Clairvaux or St. John of the Cross view Gibson's movie, if I could be that presumptuous.

I'll have to google the Net to see if somebody has written a christian mysticism interpretation of this movie. That's how I see this movie anyway.

With all this job stressorama going on in my life, I haven't even thought about voting and tomorrow is primay election day in California. Super Tuesday, as the media people are calling it.

I really like John Edwards, and I'm almost tempted to vote for him. I'll have to look at the polls to see where Kerry is at. I'd love John Edwards to be Kerry's VP, but not to be at the top of the ticket.

Then there are also those state and city measures to vote on. I'll look at everything tonight, fill out my absentee ballot and hand it in to the polling place tomorrow.

Wild weekend starting Friday.

I got a job offer on Friday, and I'm just trying to finalize the details. I'll blog more about this when it's more concrete.

I saw "The Passion of Jesus Christ" on Friday, and I cried the whole way through. I don't know why people are saying the film is anti-semitic, because Jesus is jewish, so is his mom, and his disciples and his followers. Or have people conveniently forgotten that part of JC's life? Jesus had a bar mitzvah and had to read Torah in the temple, get over it! For awhile, Christianity was on off-shoot of judaism until the religion broke off and went its separate way.

I've been reading reviews of the movie over the weekend, one movie critic said that it's the kind of movie that will illicit an individual reaction in each person.

I totally loved the movie. I didn't think it was too violent, gory yes, but not too violent. I knew JC had been scourged, but I didn't really know what scourging was really about.

For me the movie was about the the journey of a believer of God, and JC showed the way. If you truly give up your life to follow God's plan for you on this world, there are certain consequences that will happen. Maybe not as bloody as JC's, maybe you don't have to physically give up your life, but there will be a death of the ego.

I was really inspired by the movie because it showed JC making the ultimate sacrifice for God's plan in this world. It made me think that what I have to give up, if I'm following God's plan for my life, is nothing compared to what JC had to give up. And JC is of course, the ultimate role model.

The Satan character was spooky! The character was very androgynous, neither male or female but both. Not sure what that meant. The Satan character said it's not worth sacrificing for the stupid human people, that it's never been done. JC says no, it's worth it because it's his father's plan.

The parallel to the Torah/Old Testament story of Father Abraham willing to sacrific his son Isaac is made, but taken one step further. Father Abraham had so much obedience to his god that he would sacrifice his own son. God has so much love for humanity, that he would sacrifice his own son, and Jesus had so much obedience to his father, his god, and he loved humanity so much that he would sacrific his own life.

I've got a whole metaphorical way of looking at "The Passion of Christ", where each character or group of characters in the story represents some aspect of humanity. I'll have to write it out someday when I have time.

It's an interesting way to look at the story, because then the Jewish elders, the Sanhedrin, the Pharisees, become the part of ourselves that resists change, that will kill the messenger, that will resist anything new and unknown. You have to ask yourself when have I resisted something new and unknown, when I have I hated change so much that I have in my mind killed the person who was instigating the change.