I saw my friend Marilyn tonight. I haven't seen her since my friend Amy died. I only got to know Marilyn because of Amy, and now that she's dead, I don't really see or hear about Marilyn and her husband very much.

I decided tonight that sometimes I'm so resistant to my life, that my soul partner could probably be sitting right next to me and I'd never know it. Like what if he's not like what you pictured. Amy used to have such a big thing about not wanting to get involved with a man who was low on the evolutionary scale. I used to think she was full of it, but what if she was right. I was talking to this guy I used to have a serious crush on. It's been a long time so I'm over my crush and now we're just friends. Right in the middle of talking to this guy, I realize that this guy is really not smart and not that cultured either. God, that freaked me out because I'd always thought of him as this sophisticated and cultured guy and now I found out that he only seems that way to impress people. It was so shocking. I felt physicall revulsed. The guy likes the symphony because he thought it was a good way to meet a network of people. He didn't like it because he wanted to listen to great classical music plaid live, but for this totally opportunitistic reason.

I can't imagine liking something like art for any other reason than you liked the art. The same thing goes for music, theatre and the opera. It's shocking to think that peope would like this stuff because it's the the thing to do, or to meet people or be snobby or some shit reason like that.

I think it's so unevolved to like a creative thing for any other reason other than the love of the creative thing. But who am I to know what's evolved and what's not evolved? I guess I was just so shocked by this man's admission. You never know about people until you really start to interview them about issues. God, then you find out and you spend the rest of the conversation wishing they hadn't told you their true opinions.

I'm bored with my screenplay. I'm half way through writing it and I just want to finish it and get it over with. I like it but I don't think anyone else will and you know what, I don't care. My baseball son story had to get out and I'm glad it's in a cinematic form, instead of a short story. I just hope I do justice to my Jimmy character. I hope at the end of the screenplay he finds peace when his father dies. He's lucky too, because I'm letting him have peace with his father before he dies. I never got to do that with my dad. Funny thing is, part of me now knows it doesn't make a difference whether you make peace with your parent before they die or years after. The main thing is to make the peace.

Maybe that's the lesson of this story. For years I kept thinking if I had only made peace with my father before he died, maybe my life would have been really different. I now know that I was just making an excuse for not taking charge of my own life. I did make peace with my father's death eventually, but not till three years later and I guess it's still not resolved because here I am still writing about a child and dying father.

I really want to finish my S&M novel, Following in the Dark, and my play, Bare Trees in Winter. These two stories will be my summer projects. Then I want to write my children's story, Missy Dreams of Ducka.

Only then will I be to start working my Elf Girl stories. Dare I take on writing a JRR Tolkien type of story? My stories will be aimed for children 12 - 15, so they will be much simpler. I see them as cross between the Harry Potter stories and the JRR Tolkien stories.

I think to get the right amount of detail, I'm going to have read all the JRR Tolkien stuff, especially his 12 books about middle earth. The Elf Girl stories will not be a quick project, but will probably take years. God, how do you imagine a world like that? Where Elf People have 12-strand DNA instead of 2-strand DNA? How do you imagine a war between the human race and the rest of the creatures that inhabited the earth in Lemurian and Atlantean times?

The crux of the stories will be the school the Elf Girl goes to, along with all the children of non-humans, to develop their powers. The battle scenes will also be important because the Elf Girl will lead the non-human creatures against the humans. And then there's the scenes of her capture and torture by the humans and the humans wiping out the elf kingdom, the fairy kingdom, the wee people kingdom, the dwarf kingdom, the mer people kindgom and the rest of the fantastical creatures of the earth. And how do I depict the human cursing the other races so when they do reincarnate, they always reincarnate as humans? And I forgot, before they curse them and turn everyone into subhumans, they enslave them and use their powers for evil and cause the pole shift, which wipes out all the last remaining traces of the kingdoms of the fantastical races.

I'm just beginnig to get the inklings of these stories, but as long as I have all these other stories unwritten, I cannot start on my new stuff.

I went to a spiritualist church on Franklin at Van Ness today with my englishi friend Eileen. They do John Edwards style readings and I wanted to find out if I would get a message from Amy. When you walk in, you write a question down and if you're lucky one of the mediums will pick your question.

Lucky for me, my question was picked. My question was, how Amy was doing on the other side. The medium said that she was fine and the message from Amy was to be good and kind to my other friends. Not exactly what I thought I might hear, but I was happy to know that she was okay and happy in the spirit world.

I speeded up the timeline for my screenplay since I decided I wanted everyone in class to review it before the class ended. That meant I had to write 15 scenes this week, since if I was a on a five week schedule I would have finished scene 36. My previous schedule had me writing about 10 scenes a week and as of Monday, I was on scene 21. That's alot of scenes.

It was such hard work, especially since I was on a lazy fit on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and write. But I started on Friday and wrote three scenes. On Saturday night I wrote six scenes and tonight I just finished writing six scenes. I got so confused with my scenes because I changed my beat sheet and outline so many times that it took me half an hour to figure out at the end, exactly how many scenes I'd written. I've really got to do my outline and beat sheet over.

My scenes seem to be getting better. They're shorter, full or more action and my dialogue I think, is sharper and more concise. I'll find out tomorrow when I go to class. I've still got to rewrite the first father son scene tomorrow, but I can do that on my lunch break tomorrow. I'd like to start with that scene and what follow afterwards to be read in class.

I'm trying to force myself to get used to this critique thing. It's hard as hell since my write ego is so fragile, but maybe I can toughen myself up if I just do it all the time. Does the fear ever go away I wonder? I hope so.

I went to the Dada/Surrealism exhibit at the California Legion of Honor today. I sort of like all that stuff in way, even though some of it incredibly pretentious. The exhibit had the famous toilet bowl, which I've always liked and the rake. It must have been fun to be in the movement in those days, because it all very groundbreaking and new and happening in Paris during the first and second world wars.

That first world war must have been a doozy. There's that one film maker, I think it's Clive Barker, who seems to be obsessed with it. Images from life in the trenches always show up in his movie, even in Gods & Monsters, a movie he was involved in. I think that war, the brutality of it, really drove the european intellectuals insane, but it lead to some of the best artistic movements.

I loved the collages. They made me want to start collaging again. I used to collage every day as a technique to get whatever was in my head and into some physical form. I saw some of collage that even resembled some I did. I think I should get some of my collages framed, especially that one that a friend of mine offered to buy for $50. I think I should have sold it to him, but I didn't want to part with it. Imagine $50 for something I made and he wasn't even that good of a friend and he wasn't tryig to get into my pants either. If I had let him buy it, I could have said I was a paid artist.

At the exhibit I decided to listen to the audio tape and one of the recorded session, the speaker said that Dadaists were kicked out of the communist party for being political incorrect. The Communist party thought that the Dadaists were expressing the consciousness of one individual and not the collective consciousness. Artists must work for the good the collective consciousness and surrender their own individuality.

I had to listen to it twice. No wonder I've started to hate political correctness and can spot it a mile away. Political correctness and its advoacates want us to all think the same like robots, like automatons, like sheep. They want us to be of one consciousness, be absorbed into one big consciousness like The Borg and give up our own inviduality. Political correctness is the enemy of art because art is all about an artist expressing their individual consciousness.

When artists expressed the consciousness of one group, they called in soviet communist art, bad art. Artists in those countries bitterly complained about repression and fled out of the country. Does that mean political correctness has its roots in communism? It would seem so. As an artist, I must fight against political correctness because it is a denial of individual consciousness. I will be not be absorbed into The Borg of Political Correctness.

I like that I think differently, that my life experiences make me different, unique from anyone else on the planet. I refuse to have my own indvidual consciousness changed into some big collective consciousness. It's a total conspiracy by the left, and I live in the area where the conspiracy first started. The great social experiment; more like the great social brainwashing, the great movement to absorb individuals into one big consciousness of the The Borg left and liberal consciousness.

And what's upsetting is I'm a liberal, but even I think what some of the liberals think and have done are incredibly destructive and stupid that I'm ashamed to call myself a liberal sometimes. God, it makes me wonder if all those rightwingers are right in equating the liberal left with communists, especially when they're using a communist mode of the repression of free thinking, like political correctness.

I'm getting to the point if I just detect any form of political correctness in a play, in a move, in something on TV, in something I read, in someone's else thoughts when they speak, I immediately turn off and label the thing spouting the political correctness a zombie, a sheep, somebody too stupid or too lazy or both to think for themselves. I'm bad and I know it. What's ironic is the liberal left complain about how the rest of the country are like sheep following the other side. Well, their own followers are sheep as well because they buy the party line hook line and sinker.

Now whenever I hear PC being uttered anywhere, I'm going to think that the person or the thing has been absorbed into Borg consciousness and you know that the people in the Star Trek world hated the Borg. I think the USA will become like that someday. Everyone will fear the Borg of the Liberal Left. And if we do, it's the liberal left's fault for pushing political correctness the way they do.

Critics complain that TV and movies coming out of Hollywood are boring. Well, I can see why now. Hollywood has been absorbed into Borg consciousness. Hollywood is disgustingly PC. There is no room in Borg consciousness for individuality. The really great movies and TV are coming out of places and people who haven't been absorbed into the Borg like Canada, the UK, Australia and other regions of the US that haven't been absorbed into The Borg. I forgot. Add New York to the list of places that have been absorbed into the Borg or as some there would say, was where Borg consciousness actually started.

I'm in a bad mood now, so I have to change topic. I got a call this morning from this woman who led this seminar that I took last year. I was telling her that I was writng and she told me that she used to teach english and journalism. Marilyn was so nice. She offered to read my stories and help me edit them. I told her I'd be willing to pay her, but she just laughed.

Wow, this is just like they used say in my meditation group. When the student is ready, the master will come. I am at the point now where I could use a good editor and a friend calls me out of the blue and offers to help me edit for free. This is so cool. It makes me think that I won't have to worry about finding resources to publish my work. Perhaps when I'm ready to publish, publishing resources will show up. One can only hope.

I had a session with my spiritual healer/medical intuitive on Friday. She said that she's worked with six other writers and they've all published, so she has total confidence that I will publish soon. She makes a tape of her sesson and I can't wait for the tape. I just got the highlights in a phone call at work and although I wrote it down, it was hard to pay attention and really hear what she had to say. I'm too stressed out at work to really calm down and listen to anybody.

Sessons with her are always so interesting. Since I've been working with her, alot of my physical problems have gone away, but then she is a medical intuitive. Some of the other stuff she says is so far out but then she's told me that working with me is far out, since she's seen things in her session with me, that she's never seen before. I don't think it's a good sign when you freak the spiritual healer/medical intuitve out.

Susan said I'm supposed to work with a certain someone from the past. That man and I have been creeping around the earth since 2.3 million years ago. And I'm like no way. The past is dead, the past is dust and I've finally put that portion of my life to rest once and for all. It freaks me out because I had only recently just come to a point where I was at peace in myself that this man and I will never see other again. I had no desire for the first time in years to contact him and reconnect. I was very happy with leaving the past in the past and moving forward with my life. And now it seems like all that's changed. Susan said that it would be okay to reconnect with him since we were soul mates in a previous life and that I was a part of his past history. I don't think he feels the same way.

I don't care. I'm not gonig to contact him anyway until I'm a successful, money earning writer, which means I may never contact him. Susan said to even wait till I was more successful since this man is totally successful himself. I hate all this and I'm not going to fight it, but I'm not going to encourage it either. He was the one who walked out on me. He should be the one contacting me. It was him that couldn't be friends, that couldn't deal with the fact that someday I might date other men. God, why are men like that? B was the same way. I can't be friends with you without wanting a more serious and physical relationship. What bullshit! It's my scourge - overly romantic men! They are the plague of my existence.

Okay, now I'm in a more rotten mood than before. It's to work on the 24 pages of my screenplay that are due for class on Monday.