Maybe it's the full moon, but my life is one big traumarama.

Red-headed guy and I had huge fight at Gordon Biersch when he came to pick me up for lunch yesterday. What can I say about him? He's a bit of a slime, and it's a long stupid story that I'm not about to get into on this blog. He asked the waiter at Gordon Biersch for a knife to slit his wrist, and I told the waitress I lost my appetite. And I alternate between hating him and loving him, and thinking I really need to get myself back into therapy right now and break up with him.

So I pray, like I haven't been praying big time since we met, for JC to give me a sign of what to do. It's that catholic girl coming out in me; I need signs! So either the signs have been coming and I'm too blind to see them or they're not coming at all. Not quite sure which is happening. In my prayer and meditation, JC says "this is a holy relationship, a teaching relationship, and this is about surrendering to God's plan for my life." I don't know what the plan is, and from what I can tell it so doesn't make sense, and I all I can do is follow along. And JC reminds me constantly that "I've never been good ever at surrender and following his plans for my life". So maybe this is the only way he could get through to me ... I don't know.

All I know is my gut instinct tells me, screams at me, that this thing between us has to play out. Like Paul in the sci-fi series "Dune", my intuition keeps telling me "things must play out to their logical conclusion". To what conclusion I have no idea, but events have to unfold and I have to let them.

My brain however says a different thing, and my logical mind is fuming right now. My heart and body are way too involved, so they're no good.

But in the midst of the traumarama, I wrote six pages of my Texas novel last night. So maybe this has something to do with my writing, and if I can just focus on that everything else will work out.

Because my job is not the answer to making me happy; I've already been shown that. And I guess being in a relationship that heads towards marriage is not going to make me happy either, at least until I become serious about my writing.

Writing is the only thing that seems to make me happy these days, and it feels like the universe has backed me into a corner on this one. And I'm not happy about it. I'm sure JC is up there chuckling about it all, that he's got my number, that he's going to teach me a lesson in obedience, that he's the supreme ruler of my life, and that there's very little I can do about it, that he's had enough of my stubborn indepedent ways and my cunning ways of backing out of the plans he's had for me in the past.

Okay, so I'm putting an ultra spiritual spin on the messed up events of current life but there's nothing else that explains what the heck is happening right now. I get thrown for a humungous loop when events in my life unfold without making sense, and there isn't an instruction book out there for me to read from so I get it right. And I have to get it right, don't I?

So I'm back to typing up my notes for my Texas novel. I still can't get myself in the mood to write my screenplay, which is kind of annoying me. Oh well. I'm making myself work on it this week.

How sexy is this? The horse my male character is riding matches his hair colour. Oh my god, I just think that a guy riding a horse the same colour of his hair is just so darn hot! I don't know why I think it's hot, it just is. The image just seems to yummy looking! Talk about the perfect studmuffin image doubled!

Memo to guys: Take a play out of red-haired guy's play book and leave the following message on your girl's voicemail. It will melt her heart.

"You know how much I miss you? I miss you with all my heart."

Oh my god, it's soooo goofy and hokey, but so darn sweet! I just love this man!

I've in such a weird mood these last two days. Yesterday, I had low level anxiety all day. I was kind of freaked out abou the whole thing. It's like having the heebie jeebies all day, and not knowing why. I did wake up at 3 am yesterday morning, and maybe I missed my REM sleep. Who knows.

Then this morning I was a 3.5 hour conference call. That was way too long and by the end I was grinding my teeth and ready to jump out of my skin. That is just way too long to be on a conference call. And my heebie jeebies are still there. Damn!