Apologies for not writing. I had the worst dream on Sunday morning. I dreamt a friend of mine was dying and he was calling out to me to save him. It was so real and creepy, and it's put me in a blue mood that I can't seem to get out of. I've lost touch with this person, and have no idea how to get a hold of him to find out if he's okay.

I guess I'm spooked because I've three friends die in the last four years, and I was thinking a little about two of them before I heard the news of their demise.

I can't write, and I'm basically just holding on hoping to get through the day and then I go home and lie in bed all night. I felt like I was on the edge of a void, some kind of abyss on Monday night, and by Tuesday morning it felt like I had fallen in. Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like I was still hurtling down the hole like Alice from "Alice in Wonderland".

My intuition tells me to expect shocks, upheavals, and seeds of karma that must and will be harvested. I wish I could turn my intuition off because it's been so wrong before. And of course, my anxiety is going through the roof big time. It's not as bad as it's been in the past, but it's getting up there.

I wish I knew what was going on or how to dig myself out of this blue funk I'm in.

I was suppose to finish Chapter 11 of my Texas novel this weekend, which was one of my writing goals for the month, but it's only half written. I did manage to finish Chapter 10 of the Texas novel and then finish chapter 2 of my "Changing Timelines" novel. Still, it would have been nice to say I wrote three chapters in a month because it would have been a bang up way to start the new year.

Wow, did I spend a ton of money these last three months and I am so paying for it.

In November I took a trip to LA. Then in December I went to Dallas, and in January I went away for my birthday. Then I spent a ton of money on buying a new battery and tires for my car.

And I really messed myself up with my taxes this year. I claimed 2 on my exemptions and I'm barely getting a refund. YIKES! I really like getting a refund on my taxes. I think I may go back to one exemption depending on what my merit increase looks like. I probably would have owed money this year if it wasn't for my deductions.

I just can't spend any money till June now. I hate that. Not that I should be buying new clothes anyway because I feel so fat and gained some weight over the holidays. I'm wearing my fat jeans because they're so much more comfortable than my size 8 jeans right now.

I'm still buying a laptop because I really want one, but not till April when I get my little tax refund. In March my company bonus is supposed to come and since I get paid every two weeks instead of twice a month, I get an extra check in April.

If I'm careful, I will still be on track for paying off my car and all my credit cards this year. I won't be completely debt free because I'll probably go one some kind of vacation this year, but I'll be able to pay it off quicker once my major debts are gone. I think I'll also still be on track for my savings goals as well, if I don't buy anything other than my new laptop.

Thank god, I am pretty through with upgrading everything in my apartment. I still want to upgrade my monitor and get a flat screen, get new computer speakers, and upgrade my printer get a new printer/fax/scanner combo, and upgrade my operating from 256 to 512 because my home computer is just way too slow, but I'll be able to do that after June.

I shouldn't be too whiny about my finances. I'm in the best financial shape I've been in ever, but I hate feeling like I've overspent myself and I so feel like that right now.

I was supposed to work out on Thursday, but my anxiety started to kick in again. At least it happened after I had writte my four pages for the day. Then I just went home and watched TV all night.

"Queen of the Damned" was on and although the movie is sucky, the soundtrack rocks! I was going to buy it until I found out that the Korn guy who sings the vocals for the movie, isn't on the soundtrack cd. Some kind of contractual issues prevented him from being on the cd; what a drag!

I've been having wild dreams all week. I don't remember any of them except that I wake up thinking to myself, what a weird dream. I've been feeling so BLAH this week, and thinking that my life is do drecky! I don't think it's always been this awful. I seem to remember being happy not too long ago.

I still think of the red-haired guy, and I'm sure that's the main cause of my general misery. Honestly, thoughts of the freakazoid will not leave my mind. It's so maddening! I feel so haunted. A friend of mine whose mother was some kind of famous psychic in Paris suggested that he could do a clearing for me. He did it for free which was nice, but he didn't find anything. He told me my misery was internally driven. I hate that! Why would I want to make myself miserable?

Anyway the psychic clearing must have done something, because on the way home I stopped at Borders to look for a book that I need for my Greek Drama. They were out of it at the college bookstore, and a huge bookstore downtown told me that it was on backorder from the publisher for two weeks. But at Borders the book was half off, how great was that? Good thing too because the prof assigned a play out of it this week.

I'm reading "Philoctetes" by Sophocles. I'm also reading my way through CS Lewis' Narnia books. After my CS Lewis kick, I think I'm going on Graham Greene kick since he's my new writing inspiration. Did I mention this before? The New Yorker did an article on him and wrote that Graham Greene wrote 4 handrwritten pages a day.

I like that I'm writing a ton even though I'm fairly depressed. I just hope I don't have to be depressed to write because that wouldn't be a good thing for me.

I decided to count how many pages I had written to see what kind of progress I've been making with trying to establish better writing habits. And much to my surprise, I have written as of today 54 pages. Mind you it's all handwritten pages, and some of the pages are outlines for chapters I'm writing and a character interview as well, but still! That's a lot of pages. I am so impressed with myself!

I still want to get to the point where I'm writing every day, and not taking days off like I have been. Even if I just write one page on busy days, it would still be better than no pages at all. But I know I still have the attitude that if I can't fit in writing four handwritten pages, I'm not going to write all. I have to figure out to break this mindset because when I do take a break, it does take awhile to get back to writing. It's like I lose some momentum every time I take a break. I'd rather have the momentum build slowly and daily till it really starts cooking along.

What's surprising is how easy the 54 pages came. Oh sure I complained a ton and found the whole exercise completely onerous at times, but in retrospect I'm amazed at the number of pages that I've written compared to the amount of time I've put in. It really does all add up, even if you do it a little bit at a time.

It's like saving money I suppose. Even if you just save a little at time, over time the amount keeps growing. Speaking of money, I've been watching it fly much too quickly out of my accounts lately. January is always like this for me. I so freak out at the amount of money I've spent, what with Christmas shopping and holiday spending. I hate digging into my savings, but that's what the money is for right? To pay for things that are out of the ordinary expenses.

God, I can't wait till I pay off my car at the end of this year. I can't wait to have that money freed up. Of course it will all just go into savings, but it will nice to be able to save more money.

So considering I hardly put any effort into my new job and am now an official clock watcher and I scramble out of here at the stroke of 5 pm, I received a "Meets Requirements" which in the corporate world is grade equivalent of "C" grade. My boss said she was very happy with me, but that I needed to take more initiative and not be afraid to speak up at Board meetings. Whatever.

A "Meets" will still get me a 3% or more merit increase which is like a $100 more or less a month, and in this economy that's not a bad increase. At my last company, we didn't even get that much. I also get a $3,000 company bonus in March for our company's 2004 performance. If I factor the 2004 bonus in and the pay increase I received in this new job, I received the equivalent of a 10% merit increase in 2004. And that's incredible given the bad economy out here.

So I can't complain at all about how things turned out job wise, considering where I was around this time last year. I have a job where I work hard but not too hard and still get paid well, and where I can leave at 5 pm without guilt and work on my writing. Nope, can't complain at all.

Now if only I could say the same about my personal and my writing life. But I intend to get those two areas handled this year. I'm definitely laying the foundation for my writing life. It's my love life, I have the most doubts about and what's always been the hardest for me to get a handle on.

I think most people have the opposite problem. They seem to be able to handle their personal life issues better than they do their work life. I'm backwards. Work and other outside activities have always been the easiest areas of my life to control.

When I was getting my massage at Osmosis on Monday, the massage therapist told me that "you get into relationships with people to complete your issues from childhood." I was thinking about this last night and freaking out. My red-headed guy was like cross between my grandparents who raised me, and I'm like no wonder I was miserable. I was reliving my bad childhood with my boyfriend. What is up with that? There's got to be another better way to complete my childhood traumas without having to relive it with a boyfriend or worse yet in a marriage. I am so not having another unhappy childhood at this stage in my life.

Happy Birthday to me! Today's the day. My best friend and I planned a trip up north. On Sunday we went hiking up at Point Reyes and we saw whales spouting and elephant seals lying on the beach.

Then we headed to the Inn at Occidental, which is one of the top 100 hotels in the world according to Conde Nast. It was a very nice B&B, and my friend had a hot tub in her room so we hung out in the hot tub. We had dinner at Negris across the street, and passed out early Sunday night from too much wine and food.

Then we went to Graton to a jewelry outlet, an antique store with pretty nice antiques, and an art gallery with some decent art. We had lunch in Graton, and then headed off to Osmosis Enzyme and Bath. Osmosis is the only day spa in the U.S. that offers the Cedar Enzyme Bath, a rejuvenating heat treatment from Japan.

We sat in an enzyme bath full of woodchips and rice bran, then each had a 75 minute massage. It was very relaxing and supposedly very detoxifying.

It was great way to spend my birthday and I'm very grateful to my friend for planning the whole event!

I'm on a mini writing vacation. I haven't written for two days in a row, and it feels good to relax a little. On Wednesday I was too keyed after the board meeting to write and just had to relax.

I was going to write tonight before going to "Gamester" at ACT, but a friend called and we went out to dinner. The woman who wrote the play I saw tonight said she wrote for 20 minutes every night and finished the first act of the play. Was that like a reminder from the universe to me that I have the time to write. That if a woman can write for 20 minutes every day and have her play produced all over the country, surely I can find 20 minutes in my my day for my writing.

I don't think tomorrow is going to be much better since I'm attending a reception wtih a friend at 8 pm, and she's treating me to dinner using a gift certificate at a restaurant someone gave her.

This week has definitely been a busy week. After Wednesday of next week, my life should calm down a little I think and I can go back to my schedule of writing and going to the gym. I kind of miss it.

So I was sitting in our corporate divisional meeting this morning, and I was looking at the slide deck that I helped put together that our senior VP was presenting. I felt very proud to be part of this collaborative effort. It made me wonder if this is what I'll feel if and when one of my scripts becomes a movie. I'll be sitting in the audience thinking, I helped put that movie together. A script after all is just the structure, one small part of the movie making process.

It was a good feeling until someone in the back complained they couldn't see what on the bottom of the slide. The slide deck was chock full of information and many of the slides were way too busy, but I didn't have final approval. I was only one of many people who helped put the deck together. Still, I felt bad.

And then I thought well, this is bad part of movies as well. The critics, the people who hate your movie, the waiting every Sunday for your box office totals and knowing that if you can't fill them seats your movie will have a limited run at the theatre and go straight into the DVD abyss. Citizen Kane bombed at the box office and the awards and took many years to be considered "one of the finest movies ever made."

I've got another slide deck premiering tomorrow night at the Board meeting. Again, another collaborative effort that I don't have final control over. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not attached to when my slide decks get changed. It's kind of a relief actually to not be totally responsible for a presentation. All I have to worry about is version control.

So my good mood has continued into the night. It feels as if I've really turned a corner in my life, and how good I'm feeling is so radically different than how I felt say a day ago. Whatever is going on in my life today, I'm grateful for it.

I stepped away from my Texas novel today, and went back to the novel I started for Nanowrimo called "Changing Timelines". I printed it out, and although it needs considerable rewriting and tightening, it's not a bad story. I was really surprised at how quickly I entered into the action of the story. That's a first for me. Usually the first chapters are all about exposition, but this story got going pretty darn quickly. It was fun to keep writing for it, and I was able to produce four handwritten pages as I'm still sticking to my Graham Greene four page routine.

Sometimes when I read over my work, I feel like I'm reading the words of a stranger. I can't believe sometimes the stuff that comes out of my pen. Where does it all come from?

I printed out the start of a short story that I keep meaning to write, and the voice in the story is so authentic and I'm like, who is this character and where did I pick up this voice? It's such an odd feeling.

I've had a pretty good day today so far; knock on wood. My last two Mondays were bad, but today was relatively stress free. I even started to get the feeling that everything was going to be alright for a change, and that's a feeling I don't get very often anymore.

I'm trying to keep track of my writing progress, so I write more this year than I did last year. I was looking at the month of January and saw that two weeks have gone. I started panic thinking the year is already rushing by and I'm not getting any writng done, but then I realized I've been trying to write every day come hell or high water it seems and I do have something to show for it.

Chapter 10 of my Texas novel is complete. Chapter 11 is outlined and 1/3 finished. Chapter 12, 13 and 14 and half outlined. And I started a rewrite of Chapter 1 which I really, really like. Not bad for 16 days of writing time available.

I've not even started on my goal of doubling my writing output on the weekends. You'd think I'd have more time on the weekends to write and I do, but I'm not used to scheduling in double the time. Since the writing by hand thing seems to be working for me, I was thinking I could use the weekend time to get caught up on my typing.

I'm learning that as long as I keep telling myself it's easy for me to get my four pages done every day, I can do it. But the minute I think about how hard writing is for me and how I don't have the time to do it, I get stopped. I have to fool my mind into thinking that what I'm doing is easy and pain-free, never mind that it really isn't on some level, but as long as I tell myself it's easy I can do it. It's not the getting the words to come out that is hard, it's getting to the point where I can sit down and be relaxed enough to let them come where the difficulty comes in.

I can see why all the books tell you that you should write at the same time every day. That kind of structure forces you to relax after awhile because it's not like you'll be doing anything else and you get used to relaxing your mind and body at that particular time of the day.

What a frazzled day! I got up late and when I finally got in my car to head to a cafe and write, my car doesn't start. I call Triple A to get a tow truck to jump start my car, and the guy says my battery is dead. I didn't leave anything on, and my battery up and died. This was very strange because I had just gotten a reminder from the car dealership that it was time for my 40,000 mile battery vice. I didn't pay any attention to the notice because I only have about 33,000 miles on my car. But sure enough my battery dies.

After driving on 280 for about an hour, which is about the prettiest freeway in northern California, I ended up at Sears to have my batter tested and sure enough after the first test my battery died again. This confirmed what the tow car guy said so I had them change my battery. I've been thinking my tires needed to be changed and my car needed to be aligned and balanced, so I'm asking the mechanic guy about their tires and there's a sale.

We go out to check my tires and he said I had about 2,000 miles left on my front tires and that it wasn't a good sign that they were cracking. And I'm like I don't want to spend the money, but it's either now or later and with all the bad weather and rain it might as well be now.

So we're looking at the tire prices and I'm asking about just getting the same tires that were on the car before until I look at the price. Those tires were so expensive. The mechanic guy says he likes the next tire in price better because the handling is better. My other tires make less noise but they're not known for their handling. So I'm like okay, just make sure the tires are balanced and aligned.

Six hundred dollars and an hour and a half later I'm driving in my car and the new tires make such a difference in the drive. I was right about the alignment in the car, because the mechanics found that the car was off in alignment on the front like I thought. The new tires are so great. They handle the road much better, and the difference is so noticable.

But what a hectic and tense day. I hate it when I have car problems. I'm supposed to only get my oil changed every 5,000 miles, but I'm going to change it this weekend because I'm at 33,000 miles. The check oil light came on anyway, and I'm pretty sure my four hour drive back and forth to Redding ate up my oil, not to mention my two hour trip and back to Sacramento last month. Better to be safe than sorry with the oil changes I say.

I'm watching the Tsunami concert of hope on TV, and I'm getting flashbacks to 9/11 but the tsunami didn't affect me like 9/11 did. I was on vacation in Houston at my cousin's and the tsunami seemed truly like another world away even though I'd been in that part of the world.

That part of the world will never be the same ever. It will recover, but from the pictures it looks like the landscape has changed forever. I don't know why I'm not affected, because I know I should be. So many people have died, and a generation of people were wiped out. That's huge. I don't know. Maybe I'm in still in shock and one of these soon it will hit me.

The thing that's better about this TV concert is they decided to put the name of the people performing. They didn't do that for 9/11 and a friend of mine who's not plugged into all the new music, spent the whole night wondering who the heck all the performers were.

9/11 made me feel like life could wiped in a second, and I've never forgotten that feeling ever. I think this tsunami disaster did the same for the people who may have forgotten about 9/11. Life is short, and you've got to live like it's your last, but you've also got to make good choices because choices have consequences like anything else.

So I'm taking that class on "Getting Better Writing Habits" and I'm trying to write every day, and I'm like "OH MY GOD, this is so hard!" I had to force myself to write yesterday.

I went home early to have the appliance guy take a look at my heater, because my apartment wasn't heating up fast enough. But he found nothing and suggested I put my blinds down at night to trap the heat. I usually leave my blinds up for the view but if it keeps the apartment warm, then I'm going to start closing them.

After he left, I was so unmotivated to do anything. I had to force myself to sit down and write. Since I had a bunch of pages to type up, I typed pages instead of writing and mananged to transcribe and edit 6 pages.

I'm starting to think I don't have what it takes to be a writer. I'm not motivated enough, not disciplined enough, not whatever enough. I have stories I want to tell and maybe I need to start thinking about writing them just to write, and not think about publishing or getting a screenplay produced. I just don't know if I have the perseverance that's needed to write professionally for a living. I write a ton in my job already, so I have a job where I write maybe 40% of the time. It's business writing, but at least it's still writing.

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm thinking maybe I want to go back to thinking more about my career than my writing. Maybe writing should just be a hobby and not a serious pursuit. I don't know. I gave up acting because I wasn't that motivated to be on stage like all my other acting friends. Writing has held my interest more than acting and it is getting easier, and I could still do it for myself without having to think about pursuing it as a career.

Writing is so much like acting; everyone wants to do it which means very few people ever succeed. I don't know. I guess I'm getting discouraged when I think of the long term prospects of my writing career. I probably have more of a chance being a director at some corporation than I do at being a well-paid writer. It's a thought isn't it? I passed up two jobs that probably would have led to management positions, one of which placed me at number two in line to the top behind the IT manager and that was six years ago. The IT manager is now a director, and he told recently that if I stayed I would have been a director as well. Don't you just hate when people tell you these things? The people from my other job told me the same thing as well, since they're both directors now. Not that this kind of career growth might have happened to me, but it makes me wonder you know.

I write because I feel like it feels like it's "purpose" in my life, and I feel good that I know what my purpose is because there are a ton of people out there still searching for theirs. But sometimes I feel like a writer who dreams of being a corporate VP instead of a corporate drone who dreams of being a writer. Silly isn't it? And I know if I didn't feel that writing was why I was put on this earth, I know I'd seriously go back to climbing the corporate ladder.

I went to a seminar tonight given by a literary agent/manager about how to get published and produced. Earlier in the evening, I was at the adjoining bar/restaurant to the hotel called "Le Scene" and sat at the bar drinking wine and having dinner. I felt very driven sitting there at the bar eating and working on my novel. My dinner was good but expensive, and cost about $40 with wine and tip and I just had one entree and no salad or dessert. It was fun and a treat, and it did feel fun to sit and write. I was able to start work on chapter 11, and wrote two pages. I might have to sit at the bar of an expensive restaurant once a month and write only because it's a wild experience.

There was a party at the back of the restaurant, and there was a guy at the table wearing red cordurouy pants, a white shirt and leather jacket. Come to find the guy in the red cords was the literary agent guy from New York. I only knew it was him because another guy came in and sat with the party, whom I recognized as the person I took a screenwriting seminar from last year. The screenwriting guy was the one who said in the seminar if you're going to write a screenplay, you need to know about film history. And you know he was so right! I only took the two film history classes because of him, and I think the classes really added to my understanding of how a screenplay needs to be written.

The literary agent guy confirmed a lot of what I've thought about the book publishing business was like. For a book, he said you need a completed novel and it has to be a good product. Publishing is a business like anything else, and agents as well as publishers are looking towards the bottom line and need to know if your book is going to add to it. Alot of agents are also looking at books with movie potential or series potential, and want writers who want to write more than one book.

Literary agent guy said his company gets 200-500 submissions a week. That's a ton. They look at everything, but they're very picky and they only take on people not projects, meaning they want a writer who writes alot and can produce books. I liked this guy alot, and I got an intuition that this guy is going to be my agent someday. I hope it comes true. I have no idea how or why this would happen, but I like that I got the feeling. It means I'm thinking ahead for my writing.

But I'm really getting that I'm going to have to work a ton harder on my writing. I feel like my screenplay is 75% there, and my Texas novel is 50% there, and the only way my writing is going to improve is if I do more of it. No, more like heaps and heaps of it. Literary agent guy said he has a client who's written more than 100 short stories and can turn out a novel in 6 to 8 months. Now that's discipline.

I want that kind of discipline and enthusiasm for my work, and I think I'm getting there. Trying to write every day this month has been hard, but I think it's like anything else. You get used to it and the more you do it, the easier it gets. I definitely have to get a laptop. I love writing by hand, but writing by computer is just so much faster. I'm determined to make 2005 a breakthrough year for my writing, but I have a feeling that like everything else in my life, I'll do it backwards and it will still work. I'm not sure why, but it's just a feeling I get.

So this is weird. Last Monday and Tuesday I was a little down, and the same thing happened this Monday and Tuesday. What is going on?

I was in meetings from 10:45 am till 3 pm, and trying to get a project out the door in between my meetings. I didn't end up eating till 3pm and was so nauseated afterwards when I finally ended up eating. By 5:20 pm I thought I was going to seriously hurl, so I went home and got in bed and didn't wake up until midnight.

This always happens when I don't eat for 8 hours straight like I did yesterday. I get sick, so sick that I have to go to bed. I didn't write or work out, which I kind of felt bad about this morning. But I hardly slept on Sunday night, and on Monday night the wind was blowing so hard against my windows I kept waking up hourly.

I feel much better today, and am determined to write before my 6:45 pm seminar. No workout tonight for me, and no workout tomorrow either because I'm having someone come over to look at my heater. My heater isn't working properly and with all this rain, my place is freezing. But I'm definetly writing on Thursday night.

I wrote on Monday night when the rain was just coming down in buckets, and ended up reoutlining the last the five chapters of my novel. I thought I was going to end up with 15 chapters, but decided to combine chapters 11 and 13 and then chapters 12 and 14, which leaves me with a new chapter 11, chapter 12, and a final chapter 13 and 14.

I wrote the outline for Chapter 11, started the outline for Chapter 12. Chapter 13 and 14 are going to be short chapters, kind of like epilogues. I thought last night I would just nap and then wake up and type up the rest of chapter 10, but that didn't happen.

Next week is going to be worse. Tuesday night I start my greek drama class, Wednesday night is the Board meeting that I've been working on and need to attend to help with set up and clean up, and Thursday night I have theatre tickets. I'm going to have fit my writing quota in somehow on those days.

I can probably write on Thurday before I have to go to theatre since the performance doesn't start till 8 pm. On Wednesday night the Board meeting gets out 7 pm, and hopefully I'll be home by 8:30 pm. Tuesday is the iffy day where I'll have to figure out the logistics of when I might have free time.

I've been in a weepy emotional mood since yesterday. I just finished reading the last book, The Amber Spyglass, in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy and the ending made me cry. Poor Will and Lyra! I was surprised by the ending, and didn't see it coming, although I suppose the clues were there.

The ending just felt so heartbreaking to me. Love is such a fantastic gift, it changes life, it changes everything, it has the ability to heal the world, yet it doesn't always mean a happy ending like in a fairy tale and everyone lives happily every after. Sometimes you have to soldier on because it's the only way to make the world right again, and because you can't live in each other's world. It's just so, so tragic. And I'm like this is what my life feels like right now, so, so tragic!

I think I have a good workplan for my screenplay. I'm not really happy with it and it definitely needs a third and final rewrite, but I think I'm going to enter it into a contest just to see how it does. This guy from my screenwriting class entered a contest and he placed, and his script was not very good. I'd like to have the experience of entering a screenplay competition, and to see how my script ranks.

My screenwriting teacher Julie said my script was good enough into a contest and even pitch in Hollywood if I wanted. I wasn't confident about my writing or pitching ability at the time, but you know it can't hurt to enter a competition. I'd also like to send it to the screenwriting prof at UCLA, who said people from his seminar could send in their scripts and he would review for free. But the UCLA guy will get the third and final version, not this second version. Maybe I'll even get feedback from the contest. I hear sometimes they do that. One can only hope.

I'm taking an online class with this guy who was teaching seminars at the screenwriting conference I went to in LA last November. He also teaches screenwriting at UCLA and is active in selling his own work to Hollywood.

Anyway, one of the homework assignments was come up with a new idea for a screenplay and list the source. I wrote something about Zecharia Sitchin who writes books about aliens seeding the planet earth, and here's the messaage I received back.

"Very interesting stuff, Brenda. I'm familiar with Sitchin, he has a whole series of books on the subject of aliens seeding life on Earth, which happens to be a popular topic in Hollywood development. Unfortunately, the reason these projects are still in development may be because of the present religious climate in the U.S. which may not be receptive to alternative ideas. Food for thought."

So Hollywood is interested in scifi stuff ... I got a good buzz about his message because I'm thinking maybe my story ideas and Hollywood's aren't that far off.

I heard Jimmy Cliff's big hit today, "The Harder they come". Boy does that song bring back memories. I love reggae music! I can't believe I don't own any Jimmy Cliff cds. I love danced to reggae. I still remember that reggae festival I attended in DC in Malcom X park. Dancing to reggae in the hot fall DC sun within blocks of the White House. How cool is that?

I didn't write on Saturday. Actually I didn't do much of anything on Saturday, although I made plans to go out. When I finally got up and dressed, the darn rain would not stop and it was so hard. Not that I care about rain, but it's a drag to be wet. So I sat around and watched the "MI-5" marathon on A&E. I think they call it "Spooks" in the UK. I seem to remember sitting around and watching it last year around this time as well. I love "MI-5", have always loved spy shows and always will.

I loved the ending of the first episode of the new season. This is an only in the UK kind of ending. The head of the Joint Intelligence Committedd (an actor I seem to remember from the Black Adder series) is sitting in a club talking to someone from the PM's government. The head of MI-5 comes in, who is also a member of the club. The JIC guy says to the PM aide, "are you a member of the club, because you're not my guest." The head of MI-5 says "he's not my guest either", so the guy has to leave. The head of the JIC had attempted to take over MI-5 and had failed, but he and head of MI-5 are members of the "club", so despite their recent fight the two remain at least in public cordial friends. It's such a Brit class thing I think. The PM aide who obviously is not of the same class gets shunted aside like trash because class has so much more meaning in the UK. It's the same the same here, but they never show that stuff on TV because the US is supposed to be a classless society. Whatever.

I'm so happy about my writing progress this year. It's going like gangbusters! I finished Chapter 10 today, and I was so happy. I wrote the summary for chapter 10 on New Year's day while waiting for my flight at the DFW airport, and now the chapter is written.

This is new for me; writing a summary of what the chapter is supposed to be about. I usually don't do that, but it's really helped to keep me focus on what I'm supposed to be writing about. And if I get lost in the writing, as I tend to do since I write the chapter in more than one sitting, the summary ends up being a map as what I'm supposed to be writing about.

I even started a rewrite of Chapter 1 since New Year's as well. I edited Chapter 1 on the plane to DFW, and it just was not good. The subsequent chapters read much better, so I decided I needed to rewrite chapter 1. The voice was just not there, as I didn't develop the voice till much later. Since I'm now comfortable writing in the voice, rewriting chapter 1 was easier and I think reads much better. There's a real character now talking.

I'm like, okay the rest of my life kind of sucks right now, but at least the writing part is working. Usually the rest of my life is okay, and writing part sucks, or my life is bad and the writing is bad. It's never been where the writing is better than my life. Is this a good sign? I'm starting to think of myself as a storyteller, and it's a good feeling.

A coworker told me on the elevator on Friday night that it's been a rough week for a lot people. Not me I thought. I've been writing every day since December 31, which is 8 days in a row for me. I haven't done that on my own since I was doing the Nanowrimo back in 2003. I worked four days this week, and would have made it five except the gym was closed on Wednesday due to a power outage. And I have the feeling 2005 is going to be a banner year for me with regards to my writing.

But then reality intruded in my world when I was coming from the gym last night. A man passed out on the second Muni train of the two-car train I was riding. A woman on the train told me that the man had told her that he had taken a bunch of anti-depressants, and then she watched him lose consciousness before her eyes. One of the other passenger called 911 and she came up to my train to tell the driver. And so we had to wait there till the ambulance came to get him. The man who said he overdosed managed to wake up and walk into the ambulance.

I think there is some weird vibrational stuff going on in the world right now. I feel especially protected right now, like there's a gold bubble of light around me and it feels like god has me in the palm of his hands and is protecting me. It's a weird feeling, and something I haven't felt since 2003 after my grandma died. I felt very protected, loved and blessed then.

I'm happy again, and I guess that's all that matters. I still think about the red-haird guy a bit, and I'm pretty sure I haven't heard the last of him, but I'm okay with that. I've decided not to worry about till I have to cross that bridge, because I can't control his actions anyway and only have control over my own actions.

I just wish this rain would go away only because it's so cold. But we need the rain because of the drought everyone was speculating about. Hopefully the rain will alleviate our water problems.

These are my writing accomplishments for 2004. Sadly, there's not much here.

Took a science fiction writing class
Took a class on screenwriting from Michael Hague
Took a class on screenwriting and Aristotle’s poetics
Attended a screenwriting conference in Los Angeles
Published 4 times on the internet on www.sfist.com
Started a new novel called "Changing Timelines"
Started a short story called "From LAX to Oakland"
Started a short story called "Confessions of Chocolate Shiksa Goddess"
Started a short story called "Diary of a Robotic Sex Worker"
Started a short called "The Novel Life"
Wrote two chapters (chapters 8 & 9) for "Texas is a State of Mind" and typed them up
Started on chapter 10 for "Texas is a State of Mind"
Edited Chapters 1-3 for "Texas is a State of Mind"
Started a rewrite on Chapter 1 for "Texas is a State of Mind"
Started a new novel called "The Dwarf who heard voices"
Type up notes for "The Unsettler"
Typed up the short story "The Blue Haired Buddha on Union Street"
Redid the outline for "Spooning with my mother"
Took two film history classes
Edited my screenplay "Going Home Again"
Bought two DVDs on writing from Michael Hague
Signed for class on getting published from Learning Annex to be taken on January 12
Signed for Karl Iglesias’s “Mastering the Habits of Highly Effective Writers” to start on January 3

I've actually had quite a good week so far, except for some bad moodiness about my job.

On Wednedsay my group had a team luncheon, and I walked out of the meeting in such a bad mood. Sometimes I feel so unenthusiastic in my job, especially when I hear the enthusiasm of other members of my group for their job. I don't know if they're just better at faking it than me or if they really, really like what they're doing.

This job I have is just a job. It's not a career, it's not something I'm that passionate about and its basic function in my life is to give me a way to pay my bills. I'm not into career advancement at this company, I'm not looking to add any more responsibility for myself, and I definitely have no desire to play the climb the corporate ladder game. Of course, I want to make more money, I mean who doesn't? But I'm not willing to put the time and energy required to do it in this job.

But then again, it sure would be nice to make more money.

I hate when I get like this, when I start to question the career choices I've made with my life, but it always comes up for me only because I used to be the corporate ladder climbing type whose identity pretty much revolved around my job, how much I made and my upward job trajectory at my company. But I'm trying not to be like this anymore. I've made career choices in the last four years so I can have more time to write.

But maybe I'm just more the competitive type than I ever want to admit to myself. It's not like work and career was the only arena of my life I used to "strive" in. I've been a "striver" in any of the churches I've joined, wanting to get into positions of prestige and power. Sick isn't it? I was in a year-long growth and development seminar where you were graded, and I was "striving" to always get an "A". And it's not like I take classes for fun either and can be satisfied with a B or a C grade. I make an effort to get the "A" grade, and I get it 99.9% of the time.

I wish I could transfer more of my "striving ambitions" to my writing. I haven't yet because writing is like an "art" for me, and how do you grade art. But I think I'm going to have do it if only to ease some the sense of constant dissatisfaction that runs like a through-line in my life. I guess I'm one of those people who can't really be happy if they're not always trying to achieve in life. And I just hate having to admit that I might be an over-achiever. I hate over-achievers!

Here's my list of the movies I saw in 2004 - 108 in all. Many of the movies I saw came from the two film history classes I took last year. No wonder I don't have time for a relationship!

A Movie by Bruce Conner
A Trip to the Moon
Alex and Emma
Ali: Fear eats the soul
All About My Mother
Audition
Band of Brothers Vol 1
Band of Brothers Vol 2
Bed and Sofa
Big Fish
Billy Elliot
Birth of a Nation
Bonnie and Clyde
Butch Cassidy amd the Sundance Kid
Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Chinatown
Citizen Kane
City of Lost Children
Closer
Cold Mountain
Double Indemnity
Enemy at the Gates
Enigma
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
Finding Nemo
Frida
Grand Illusion
Hardball
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azbakan
Hidalgo
His Girl Friday
Hollywood Homicide
House of Sand and Fog
How Green was my valley
Ikiru
Innocence
It Happened One Night
Kill Bill Vol 2
Killing Me Soflty
Left Behind: The Movie
Love Actually
M by Fritz Lang
Marius
Master and Commander
Meet John Doe
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
Mr Smith Goes to Washington
Mystic River
On the Waterfront
Open City
Abre los ojos (Open Your Eyes)
Pather Panchali
Paycheck
Personal Velocity
Princess Diaries
Rear Window
Règle du jeu, La aka The Rules of the Game
Ringu
Samurai Fiction
Seabiscuit
Secretary
Shrek 2
Spider Man 2
Spring Summer Fall Winter
Stagecoach
Steamboat Bill Jr
Stranger than Paradise
The 39 Steps
The 400 Blows
The Big Fish
The Blair Witch Project
The Butterfly Effect
The Chronicles of Riddick
The Crowd
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
The Day After Tomorrow
The Great Train Robbery
The Italian Bicycle Thief
The Kid
The Lady Vanishes
The Last Laugh
The Last Sumurai
The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
The Manchurian Candidate
The Notebook
The Order
The Passion of the Christ
The Sea is Watching
The Third Man
The Twillight Sumarai
The Umbrellas of Cherbourg
This is spinal tap
Throne of Blood
Timeline
Tokyo Story
Troy
Twilight samurai
Un Chien Andalou
Under the Tuscan Sun
Vanilla Sky
Wild Strawberries
Yi Yi
Zatoichi: The Blind Swordsman Part 1
Zatoichi Part 2
Zatoichi Part 3
Zatoichi Part 4
Zatoichi Part 5
Zatoichi Part 6

Here's my list of books read in 2004 - I read 58 books this year, which is higher than my previous total from 2003.

A Bend ln the road by Nicholas Sparks
A Parallel life and other stories by Robin Beeman
A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley
Adulthood Rites by Octavia Butler
Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
Clay's ark by Octavia Butler
Cowboys are my weakness and other stories by Pam Houston
Dawn by Octavia Butler
Dolores Claiborne by Stephen King
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Finding Your Writer's Voice by Thaisa Frank and Dorothy Wall
From the corner of his eye by Dean Koontz
Genesis by Poul Anderson
Girl in hyacinth blue by Susan Vreeland
Girl with a pearl earring by Tracy Chevalier
Golf in the kingdom by Michael Murphy
I never promised you a rose garden by Joanne Greenberg
Imago by Octavia Butler
Immediate Fiction by Jerry Cleaver
James and the giant peach by Raold Daoul
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
K-Pax by Gene Brewer
Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye
Life Strategies by Dr. Phil McGraw
Living the best life you can by Joel Osteen
Mind of my mind by Octavia Butler
Minority Report by Philip K Dick
Mystic River by Dennis Lehane
One continuous mistake by Gail Sher
Seeing a large cat by Elizabeth Peters
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
Silas Mariner by George Elliot
South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami
Taken by Thomas Cook
The 60 second procrastinator by Jeff Davidson
The hitchiker’s guide to the galaxy by Douglas Adams
The Horse Whisperer by Nicholas Evans
The League of Extraordinary gentlemen by KJ Anderson
The northern lights by Philip Pullman
The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks
The parable of the sower by Octavia Butler
The parable of the talents by Octavia e Butler
The Patternmaster by Octavia Butler
The Pearl by John Steinbeck
The Princess Bride by William Goldman
The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren
The Rapture of Canaan by Sheri Reynolds
The Red Pony by John Steinbeck
The Simulacra by Philip K Dick
The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman
The Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil McGraw
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
Vittorio the Vampire by Anne Rice
When God Winks at Love by Squire Bushnell
Wildseed by Octavia Butler
Writing the Mind Alive by Linda T. Metcalf & Tobin Simon

I had my first full four hours of sleep last night. I've had the worst insomnia since my return from vacation. It feels so good to sleep. When I woke up I felt rested for the first time in months.

Maybe my insomnia means I'm not as depressed anymore, because last month I was sleeping more than 8 hours a night and still not feeling rested. Hopefully my life is turning around.

Last night on a whim I went to the Starfbombs across from the Hyatt at Embarcadero to write and while I was there I heard a big crash like there was some car accident outside. People ran outside to look at the commotion, but I didn't. When I finally left the place and walked outside, I saw police and car up on the sidewalk with its end into the wall near the Walgreens. How the car got onto the sidewalk like that is beyond me? Just another couple of feet and it would have crashed into the Starbombs where I was sitting.

I went to Carls Jr to get a bite to eat, and there was bunch of people playing scrabble there. Tuesday must be scrabble night at the Carls Jr located at Embarcadero 4. Like who knew?

Okay, so I don't like getting that excited about money but check this out. I bought into a gold mutual fund in December, and already I've made about $200 in capital gains. Isn't that like so fun? Money isn't everything, but when I learned I made $200 in a month from capital gains I got why people are into money and investments. And the stock market is not doing that well so to make money like is doubly more exciting.

So after this bit of good financial news, I decided to buy into a specialty natural resources energy fund. I know they say gas in going down in price, but so what. It will go up again because winter is coming up and any break in the supply chain of oil should send my mutual fund through the roof. Goodbye cheap gas and hello tons of capital gains for me.

If I have to play the capitalist pig dog investor, I might as well make a ton of money doing it.

I'm going to try and get back on the schedule today that I think seemed to work pretty well for me last year. From 5 to 7 pm, I sit in a Starfbombs somewhere in downtown San Francisco and write, and then from 7 to 9 pm I head to the gym. Boring as hell I know, but I get the two things done that I need to get regular about; writing and working out.

I've found three Starfbombs downtown that are open till 7 pm and where it's comfortable to sit and write. My gym is close by and after 7 pm, it clears out and I can get on a machine or lift weights without having to wait in line.

The only bad thing about this schedule is dinner. If I wait to eat till I get home, I'm starving and about to pass out. Usually I just have a latte, but it's really not enough food for dinner. So I'm adding dinner this year.

With all the writing I've been doing, I can either write tonight or spend my designated writing time typing up the 8 pages of handwritten text I've accumulated. Typing is a nice change for me and even if I do end up buying a laptop, I'll still have the option of handwriting or typing and I'll skip the step of transferring my text from my PDA into a word document on my home computer.

I've been tracking my writing since December 16 through today, and I've written for 11 of those days, spent two days reading a new book on writing and skipped six days. These results are good for me. I've not gone longer than two days without writing, and on those days I didn't write I could have written if I wanted to. I just didn't feel like I could make the time.

I've playing a little game with myself as well that I learned from this book called "Immediate Fiction". I set the timer on my watch for 10 minutes, and I tell myself that I only need to write for 10 minutes. If I'm not into writing at the end of the 10 minutes I'm allowed to stop. It's a good trick, because invariably at the end of 10 minutes I'm still interested in writing and can usually get four pages of handwritten scribble down before I feel the urge to stop.

The 10 minute rule is supposed to be done every day, but I'm not at that point yet. I'd like to get there. I'd like to be able to sit down every day and do a 10-minute write, but I'm still at the point where if I don't feel like writing I won't do it. But taking no more than a two-day break is real progress for me, real progress.

I had a good day on Sunday. My clueless brother sent my christmas present to my old address, and thank goodness my building manager was kind enough to call me and hold it for me till I got back. As I walked by my old apartment, I wondered who was living there.

Then I went to the Starfbombs near my gym to write. Some older dude was there staring at me the whole time. He was kind of alright looking, and was there with his grownup son having coffee. I suppose it's a good way to start the new year with a guy who was making it very obvious that I was a hottie.

I'm doing the Graham Greene method and writing 500-700 words a day, which is about four handwritten pages for me. I'm also thinking of going on Graham Greene binge and reading all of his stuff. Loved that New Yorker article on him which I finished over my vacation.

Next stop was to the gym for a run. I started to panic when after a mile, my left knee started hurting. I walked for a few minutes, and then started running again and the pain was gone. My body was rebelling and telling me you just can't start running hard after not running since early November. After my knee pain, I decided to quit while I was ahead and not do another half an hour on the bike or weights.

Then it was laundry and grocery shopping. Sunday night is the worst night to grocer shop. The veggie shelves at Trader Joes and Safeway were so empty!

Final stop was home for dinner and a movie from Netflix - Zatoichi, Volume 7. Yes, I'm still on my japanese samurai movie kick. I'm still getting a thrill out of the watching the blind guy kill tons of people. I think I'm going to have to purchase Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2, so I can get my kung fu movie kick whenever I want.

I was thinking this morning that it's sad that good days for me lately have been few and far between these past few months. It used to be the opposite. Guess I'm going to have spend 2005 reversing the trend.

I had a good day on Sunday. My clueless brother sent my christmas present to my old address, and thank goodness my building manager was kind enough to call me and hold it for me till I got back. As I walked by my old apartment, I wondered who was living there.

Then I went to the Starfbombs near my gym to write. Some older dude was there staring at me the whole time. He was kind of alright looking, and was there with his grownup son having coffee. I suppose it's a good way to start the new year with a guy who was making it very obvious that I was a hottie.

I'm doing the Graham Greene method and writing 500-700 words a day, which is about four handwritten pages for me. I'm also thinking of going on Graham Greene binge and reading all of his stuff. Loved that New Yorker article on him which I finished over my vacation.

Next stop was to the gym for a run. I started to panic when after a mile, my left knee started hurting. I walked for a few minutes, and then started running again and the pain was gone. My body was rebelling and telling me you just can't start running hard after not running since early November. After my knee pain, I decided to quit while I was ahead and not do another half an hour on the bike or weights.

Then it was laundry and grocery shopping. Sunday night is the worst night to grocer shop. The veggie shelves at Trader Joes and Safeway were so empty!

Final stop was home for dinner and a movie from Netflix - Zatoichi, Volume 7. Yes, I'm still on my japanese samurai movie kick. I'm still getting a thrill out of the watching the blind guy kill tons of people. I think I'm going to have to purchase Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2, so I can get my kung fu movie kick whenever I want.

I was thinking this morning that it's sad that good days for me lately have been few and far between these past few months. It used to be the opposite. Guess I'm going to have spend 2005 reversing the trend.

I had a good day on Sunday. My clueless brother sent my christmas present to my old address, and thank goodness my building manager was kind enough to call me and hold it for me till I got back. As I walked by my old apartment, I wondered who was living there.

Then I went to the Starfbombs near my gym to write. Some older dude was there staring at me the whole time. He was kind of alright looking, and was there with his grownup son having coffee. I suppose it's a good way to start the new year with a guy who was making it very obvious that I was a hottie.

I'm doing the Graham Greene method and writing 500-700 words a day, which is about four handwritten pages for me. I'm also thinking of going on Graham Greene binge and reading all of his stuff. Loved that New Yorker article on him which I finished over my vacation.

Next stop was to the gym for a run. I started to panic when after a mile, my left knee started hurting. I walked for a few minutes, and then started running again and the pain was gone. My body was rebelling and telling me you just can't start running hard after not running since early November. After my knee pain, I decided to quit while I was ahead and not do another half an hour on the bike or weights.

Then it was laundry and grocery shopping. Sunday night is the worst night to grocer shop. The veggie shelves at Trader Joes and Safeway were so empty!

Final stop was home for dinner and a movie from Netflix - Zatoichi, Volume 7. Yes, I'm still on my japanese samurai movie kick. I'm still getting a thrill out of the watching the blind guy kill tons of people. I think I'm going to have to purchase Kill Bill Volumes 1 & 2, so I can get my kung fu movie kick whenever I want.

I was thinking this morning that it's sad that good days for me lately have been few and far between these past few months. It used to be the opposite. Guess I'm going to have spend 2005 reversing the trend.

Observations I made while at DFW airport on New Year's day.

I went to Wendy's to get a bite to eat. Nothing look appetizing except a burger and a soda. There were four University of Tennessee football players there, with bags that were embroidered with the logo "SBC Cotton Bowl". They were huge and all wearing black velour Addidas track suits. Guess they were hungry for Wendy's burgers too. Some guy saw them all sitting there and said "great game guys!" and they waved. So I'm sitting there thinking who won the Cotton Bowl? I know it was Texas A&M and some team. The Tennessee players didn't look unhappy. On the news monitor later, I saw a report which said Tennessee won.

Speaking of football. There a town of people walking around with Purdue clothing on. There some guy sitting in back of me as I was waiting for my gate. He had a Purdue jacket and on and was telling someone on the phone that he was in El Paso. Then he talked about the Sun Bowl in El Paso. I don't think Purdue did well because the guy didn't sound very happy on the phone.

Want to recharge you cellphone? Go to the women's restroom next to gate C36 and DFW airport. Plug your cellphone charger into the socket on the left side of the sinks. Block the sink and stare at yourself in the mirror and pretend like you're doing something totally normally by charging your cellphone in a public bathroom.

American Airlines is doing their patriotic duty for the war on Iraq. There's a huge sign at the Admirals Club, which says if you're in the military and you can show ID and I guess that you were in Iraq, you can hang out in the club.

Dell had a kiosk there. The only people that were using it were American Airlines pilots. It must be the place for airline pilots to check on their email and surf the Net.

So a friend of mine warned me and I didn't listen, but staying this long at a relatives is proving way too long. I am so bored and I think we're kind of getting on each other's nerves. I'm counting down the days till I have to go home.

The holidays are stressful enough without having a relative like me overstay her welcome. Maybe family visits should be like a cold, very short. Oh well, I'll know better next time.

So my blog isn't broken after all, but on my cousin's browser it just doesn't show up right and I don't know how to fix it. I'm blogging from my work laptop which I brought with me to do some work, and my blog looks fine with my work browser.

So Happy Belated Christmas from Fort Worth Texas. I deleted my last post in an attempt to fix it.

The weather here is mild and in the 60's. Fort Worth is definitely not Dallas, and I am definitely not in a big city anymore.

My cousin has been taking me shopping, and it's not fun only because I can't find clothes I want to buy. I'm starting to realize why people freak out when they shop in Union Square in San Francisco. There is just so much clothing to choose from there than there is here. I love shopping in NYC only because I think NYC has way more clothes than I can ever find in San Francisco, but not so in Fort Worth.

I felt bad because my cousin took me to a mall and I went into a couple of department stores, Foley and Dillards, and I'm like okay where are all the brands of clothes I'm used to buying. I saw brands I'd never heard of and in styles I've never seen or want to see ever again. I finally had to go into Nordstrom to buy a lighter sweater. I didn't want to buy anything in Nordstrom, but they were the only store who had anything I wanted to buy. So scary too because the Nordstrom in Fort Worth pulled me up in their database and they knew I was from San Francisco.

I bought another lighter jacket at another mall at Tommy Hilfiger. Again, I didn't want to buy something from there but it was the only store that clothes I would want to buy.

All the teenagers here wear clothes from this store called "Hollister", so I went in there to check it out. It's like so funny because the store markets the southern california surfer lifestyle and clothes to teenagers in Texas. The line in the store was so long. And the clothes aren't that great either. It's like thrift shop surfer dude threads with sweatshirt hoodies that say "Hollister" or "Laguna Beach".

I was in the store and it was so packed and the line was so long. I wanted to buy a long sleeve t-shirt just to have a shirt that would remind me of the Texas teenybops I was seeing, but I couldn't handle the line.

I did get to check out a Dell Inspiron 700m, and it's a great laptop. I've been wanting to see one for a long time and I'm pretty sure it's the computer I want to buy for myself. It is so small, like a Sony but not so expensive, and it looks like it could easily fit into my purse.

I'm have a relaxing vacation, but I think my decision to stay here through New Years was a mistake. There's really not much to do here except shop, and my cousin hates to drive into Dallas. Oh well. At least I'm relaxing and doing some writing.

My blog is broken and I don't know why, and I'm not at home to fix it. If you can tell me how to fix it, please email me. It's so annoying!

I can't sleep. I'm flying to Texas for the holidays to see my cousin and her daughter tomorrow, and I can never sleep before flying. I'm too amped up.

I talked to a friend of mine who considers herself a "psychic" and she did a reading for me. She wants to do it for a living, but she doesn't know if she can make a decent living at it. Anyway, she said a new man was entering into my life in the next four months. She confirmed that the RHG hasn't given up, just as I thought, but if I can just say no for another couple of months he'll eventually give up.

My friend's hit rate is about 50% so if either of her predictions come true I'll be happy. I have been feeling that a new love is around the corner, but I don't feel that the RHG will ever give up. But a friend from writing group said that the RHG can't give me up because of his ego, because I dumped him first and he only wants me back so he can be the one to do the dumping. Whatever.

My friend's reading really, really cheered me up and inwardly I felt there was some validity to her reading. She said she kept seeing February as a turning point. If I can tell myself that I'll only have to put up with these RHG feelings for another couple of months, then I think I can deal with it. And with the way time seems to be zipping by, March is not very far away.

I think I made myself think I was in love the RHG because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was just having a fling. I'm really not a flingie kind of girl. So I think I told myself it was one of those doomed romantic kinds of love so I could deal with it and not have to feel any guilt. Of course, the love thing didn't stop the guilt but it was better than saying I was in it just for the sex, and didn't give a hoot about the RHG.

I'm pathetic aren't I? I'm sure he did the same thing and made himself believe it was love so he could justify it to himself as well, so he wouldn't think he was some kind of Don Juan. I wonder how bad karma is that? Using love as an excuse to justify bad behaviour. Love made me do it! It's so lame isn't it, and really cheapens love. My only excuse is I never said love first, he did, and I just followed his lead. And before the very end he told me he loved me three times on the phone and I didn't say it back. It was an awkward silence. But I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't lie to him or myself.

I hope I never have to go through that experience again. That was bad. Hearing a guy say I love you and having no urge to say "I love you" back. Talk about "real" moment.

Work these last two days has been kind of fun. I was in a Microsoft Project class taught by a guy who was one of the original programmers of the software. He really knew his stuff, and I learned some good tips on how to make the software work.

It was kind of bad timing to be in the class though. My boss lent me out for a project last week and after the project manager found out I was in class for two days, she took the task I was working on back. I had done about 25% of it and I thought I could finish it, but she wanted it down this week. Whatever. Then I had to turn over something else I normally do for client presentations to someone else and I felt kind of bad about doing that, but my boss said I can't do everything.

After work I went to get a manicure and pedicure and to get my brows and lips waxed to death. No big deal right? I hadn't been to the salon in about two months, which my manicurist reminded me of, and I wanted them done for my holiday trip.

In the middle of my pedicure, I felt an incredible wave of anxiety. Like where it came from I don't know, but since I was at the salon I couldn't just sit there and start crying. It wasn't until I came home that the anxiety started again and the incredible sadness I felt most overwhelmingly on Monday came back. Where it came from or what triggered it is a mystery to me. I was actually in a good mood all day until then.

I'm such a sad sack. I put on my pj's, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, only to wake up every few hours and wonder why I was in this mess with RHG, when it was ever going to end, and why I can't just shake the idiot free. It's so maddening to have to go through this, to feel like it's never going to end, to feel like I'm going be going through this for a long time, that the man will not give up, and that somehow I caused this all to happen only because I wanted to have a little fun.

I've been on such a writing roll too. I've been writing every day since last Wednesday. I took Sunday off, and then had to take Monday off because I was depressed. I wrote for 1.5 hours on Tuesday and was full intending to write last night when the depression hit.

These last two episodes are somehow different too. I was in heart-break these last few weeks, and now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have a great life, had a great life until the RHG showed up. I wish I didn't have the feeling that he'll come back, that he'll never ever give up, and that someday we'll end up together. These feelings freak me out. I don't want him back honestly. I'm so sick of the whole thing that I just want it to be over! Like at this point it doesn't matter what I feel about him, I just want it to end, to be finito.

It was probably a mistake to want a clean break, to leave while I still had feelings. I should have just stuck it out like I normally do and let it get really bad, so bad, that by the time I wanted out we would have hated each other so much that there would be no contact. Or conversely, wait for RHG to dump me like a hot potato. Then I could hate him, and rag on him to all my friends, and just go on and on about what an jerk he was and how he didn't deserve me.

This is the third time I've tried to leave a relationship like this, and this is the third time it's been just another huge disaster. I don't care what anyone says; there is no good way to leave any relationship. What works best is to leave like any normal person would; just wait till you get dumped or you mutually really hate each other. Most people know what to do and how to feel when a relationship ends that way. If you try to end it any other way, people get confused and messes like the one I'm in happens.

So Monday was a bad day, but then Tuesday was so much better. Whatever anxiety and unease I was feeling melted away with the Tuesday morning sun. After work I typed up the last of my what I had written for chapter 10 of my Texas novel. Handwriting stories is easy and often very convenient, but then typing them up can be a pain sometimes. I probably need to do a combination of both, handwrite the stories sometimes and then type them into a computer the other times.

Then I went to a writing group meeting, which was fun because we hadn't seen each other in ages and it was great to get caught up. It was also the Winter Solstice that day, so it was like we were celebrating the ancient holiday.

I was also able to talk about RHG (the red-haired guy) with my group, and had a bunch of great insights into the whole thing. It's good to hear many different perspectives on your life sometimes. The bar we were at was also playing 80's music, and it was so nostalgic for me. 80's music and trends are so in right now. I can't believe I still know the words to almost every Elvis Costello song, not to mention The English Beat songs as well. If they had played Pere Ubu or Joy Division, I would have been in 80's heaven.

So my anxiety ratcheted up on Sunday, which was bad. I managed to get myself off to see the Mayan exhibit at the Legion of Honor before it closes. The Mayan stuff is cool and so ancient. They had the cutest little statues with these adorable faces. Of course there was nothing about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 which pepole are just obsessed about, but I guess it has nothing do with their art.

I had a really bad night on Monday. I felt so sorry myself, getting into this mess with the red-haired guy. I've been so good, trying to be so careful about who I get involved with, and I feel like I really let myself down this time all because I just wanted to have a little fun. It's so unfair because other women can have fun flirts with guys, and end it without the guy constantly calling and wanting more. I always seem to get the obsessive types who are stubborn and can't spell.

I think God is punishing me by sending me a freak so I never do this type of thing again. And I'm like, okay, okay, I learned my lesson, enough already, make him go away, I won't ever do this type of thing again, I promise.

The last time this happened, which was about 5 years, I almost lost a friendship over it. Some guy got interested in me, who as the object of my friend's crush, so I stepped aside. He was mean to me for a long time after I rejected him, but he kind of never stopped trying much to the annoyance of my friend. I don't she ever quite got over it.

Same kind of circumstance. We had partner in class for an hour, and in an hour the guy decided I was someone he wanted to get to know in a serious way. I wasn't even really that interested in him, but he was in me. I mean, he would have been a good friend and all that but that was the extent of my interest.

I swear to god, it never works for me to talk to a guy for an hour unless I'm really interested in him. It just causes so many problems. I just felt so sorry for myself last night and cried myself to sleep. I felt better when I woke up this morning, and decided to just relax. I mean, what's the worse that can happen right? And I'm a survivor, I've been through worse than this. I can take care of myself. I just hope these are my famous last words. Red-haired guy is just darn unpredictable and stubborn. He must have some Taurus in him, even though he's a Virgo. The Taurus men in my life have been famous for never getting over me ever.

If you're into cars and you're in San Francisco, go to SFMOMA. They have a beautiful 1965 jaguar car in an exhibit on Glamour. They also have a 2004 Bentley. Those cars are just so cool. They also have some couture gowns which are fun to look at. My faves were the Christian Dior and the Chanel gowns. Couture gowns are all about fabric and architecture, and you better have the perfect body to show those concepts off.

So like a bad penny that keeps showing up red-haired guy called me at my work number on Thursday. He hasn't called at that number since we first met. He is such a piece of work. I knew he was going to call back, it was jus a matter of when and sure enough he did; 29 days after we broke up.

He said he missed me and wanted to get together for some christmas cheer. God, the man is just hard to shake. I read him the riot act and told him to never call me again, and then I felt bad for doing that, so I sent him an email and said he could call but not too often. But then a friend said that was worst.

The man is just so confusing. Everything I've tried to get rid of him that would have worked on any guy has not worked. I called my boss on Friday from home because I was at an offsite meeting all day Friday and she thought I was coming back into the office. I told her what was going on and she gave me a new way to try. So I took her advice called red-haired guy's blackberry and told him.

15 minutes after I called I felt like everything was over between us, but then something in my mind shimmered and then I received the feeling that he hasn't given up yet, that he's never going to ever give up, and I think I made the situation worse somehow. It's kind of been freaking me out because I've been in such a better mood since December 9.

But this morning I decided that it doesn't matter if he calls back, I'll just figure out another way to shine him on and one day one of those ways will work and he'll be gone forever. Either he'll be gone or we're going to end up married. I don't care either way actually. If he could fix his issues, I think he'd be a good match. And if we don't end up together, I'm fine with that too because I got the feeling again this morning that I'm going to have a new love soon.

Talk about a voice from the past. I just received a call at work from a woman who attended a year-long seminar with me seven years ago. She works for a company who sponsored a webconference I attended last month. Then the woman tells me she interviewed for a couple of positions at my company. What a small, small world.

This woman gave me the best advice when we had lunch at Farralon which moved to cocktails at Postrio later. I had just taken a job at my first healthcare company and I was freaking out because I had taken a pay cut for the job, although my boss gave me a signing bonus to make up for it. I felt like I was really taking a step back in my career development paywise, industry wise, blah, blah, blah.

Terry told me sometimes a step back isn't that bad and that good things will come of it. And you know what, seven years late she was right. That move to the healthcare company turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I made up for the financial set back in pay in my next job. I learned so much from that job down the Peninsula, knowledge I probably wouldn't have gained any other way.

I've actually been thinking about the lunch I had with Terry and wondering if I really took a humongous step back in my emotional development with my silly flingie with the red-haired guy. But now hearing from Terry after all these years, I'm thinking maybe not. Hopefully I did learn something which will help propel me forward into my next and hopefully better relationship. It's a sign, I think, a good sign.

My second somewhat blissful day. No anxiety and I went to bed last night thinking I'm going to have a new love. Not sure what this means because the feeling was "new love" not "new boyfriend", so the "new love" could be anything.

I threw out all my old magazines from 1998-2000. I love keeping my old magazines, but they take up so much room. It was an emotional experience, like throwing out a part of myself and all my memories from those years.

Red-haired guy showed during up in my tibetan buddhist meditation session. I used to hate when he did that and stopped meditating because of it, but I was okay with it last night. He was standing next to JC, and I'm not sure what that means. I kind of muttered a complaint, but JC said it was okay that he was there. Whatever. There's a part of the meditation where you visualize leaving a temple and red-haired guy tried to hold my hand. That's never happened before and it was really sweet. I hope it's a good sign of something.

Okay, this insight is now freaking me and bringing tears to my eyes. Anxiety is all about doubt, doubt that God is there in your life and taking care of everything, doubt that you have the ability to handle whatever situation you're presently facing.

I didn't get this one, and it's so simple it's like DUH! I thought my anxiety was maybe everything else that was going on in my life but not doubt. I thought I had pretty strong faith, but I guess not.

Maybe faith is like listening. The extent to which you listen is about the extent to which you know you don't listen. I always thought I was a good listener, until I watched how much my wondered when I was listening to someone.

So having a strong faith would be the extent to which you have faith is about the extent to which you know you don't have faith, which would mean paying attention to the times you doubt. But doubt is so subtle and it sneaks up on you, and all the great spiritual teachers say that doubt is the last to go, always the last and the hardest to give up.

Not having doubt would mean complete surrender and I've never been able to achieve that ever, because I'm too smart and I think I always know better. And I love being smart and thinking of myself as smart and just thinking in general, and yet it always stands in the way, always shows up as a huge weakness in my life. But how you can stop doing something that comes so naturally? It's like so painful and so hard.

I just got what I think is a cool insight today. There's this thing I've been fearing might happen or might not happen. I wasn't really looking forward to either result, and it was driving me crazy. But then today I realized that if the thing happens that I fear, it will be fine because my life always works out and I can adapt easily to all kinds of situations. And if the thing doesn't happen, then that result will be fine as well that means the situation has ended and I can look forward to another thing starting up.

So like whatever happens I can't lose really, and I'm like so glad because I like to think of myself as a person who always lands on their two feet. I might be a little wobbly at first, maybe a little more than hurt and wounded but basically intact and able to move forward.

I heard a great sermon on TV this Sunday and the preacher kept saying that in the bible it says "This too will pass". And you know what, the preacher man is right. Life is always changing, never staying the same. If there's anything I can count on in life is that it's going to change, and this is a good thing. Change is good. Change means that bad situations get better. And isn't this a good thing?

I have been living out scenes like Mia Farrow's character in Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose", which is one of my favourite movies. If you've seen the movie, you'll get the reference.

I don't want to jinx myself but I woke up happy today, happier anyway that I've been since November 29. I hope it lasts and lasts and lasts. This is my one christmas wish, that whatever anxiety I've been going through these last few months stop and I go back to being somewhat carefree and happy go lucky self who loved the life she was leading.

I went through my writing papers today, and I found 15 writing projects that I've started and are in various stages of completion. There are stories I finished, and I want to keep working on. There are stories I started, and I'm not even sure I'm even interested in writing them anymore. I found some notes for a weird story I was interested in writing called "The Unsettler", and I couldn't believe I had written this story about a group of murders taking place in the West Virginia hills. I'm reading my own handwriting and thinking, where the heck did I get this idea from?

I'm going to type up the notes for the story only because they're so bizarre, but I'm not sure I'm ready to write a murder story. I'd like the story to be a short story or maybe a novella, but not another long novel. Novels take so long to write, and I don't have the patience for writing them.

I'd like to at least finish one story this year and I decided that since I'm going to Texas for the holidays, I figured I might as well finish the novel I started in 2003 called "Texas is a state of mind". I've got 3.5 chapters to go. I managed to finish 1.5 chapters this year, which is sad.

My writing productivity for 2004 has just been really, really bad. The stress of having to find a new job, then starting a new job really took a toll on my writing. I started writing again just before red-haired guy came into my life, but then things went emotionally haywire for me and my creative writing practically ceased. I've been writing like mad in my personal journal, but not story writing at all.

I've got to really get a handle on that in 2005. I think my life functions much happier when I'm writing and I feel productive and creative. I have to figure out how to make writing a habit. Journal writing is a habit for me. Blogging is habitual most of the time. But I can't seem to make creative wriitng a habit.

Some people at Nanowrimo were blogging their novels online. That would be wild to post a novel entry every day for people to read. It would be bad first draft writing and who wants to come across that and read it on the screen. Yucky!

I'd like 2005 to be a big breakthrough year for me with my writing, where I develop good writing habits and start finishing stories and sending them out. I think it's the next step in my writing process, but I have no idea what I'm going to have to do, have to give up in my life to get to that point.

I had a really great and productive day yesterday. I went to see my kineseologist for my bimonthly visit and he brought my energy back up to 96%. Most people's energy is at 80 something percent, so to be at 96% is a good thing. Then I had a training session with my japanese Ki energy trainer. I've had four sessions with him so far, but I decided to discontinue it. I wasn't sure it was working, although I loved hearing about the philosophy of going with the flow. He said I was good at it, even though I never ever practice.

Then it was back to the city for a shopping and a haircut. Shopping at Union Square isn't all that crowded to me, and all the stores are having sales. I get the feeling that most people aren't really too many things. I see a lot of people without shopping bags. I mailed off three presents at the post office in Macy's basement. I keep forgetting there's a post office there, which is open on Sundays as well. I finished all my Christmas shopping! YEAH ME! Now I just have to send out the cards and mail more presents.

Next stop was Trader Joe's in the Inner Richmond. The place is such a traffic nightmare. There is definitely not enough parking for that store. I parked a block away, and walked to the store since I wasn't shopping for that many items. I bought some St. John's Wort, which is like natural prozac. I used to take it when I working at the startups to calm my nerves, and it did help. I'm hoping it will help me calm my anxiety down.

My final appointment of the day was at my accupuncturist. Sad isn't it? I need a team of alternative healers to keep me functional, which costs a ton of money but which makes me feel good and happy. I don't have back problems, my energy is good, I only need 5-6 hours of sleep a night, my skin is decent, and I think generally my health is decent considering all the problems I used to have.

I even made a stop at the bank on the way home to deposit some checks. Then I spent the rest of the night watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring". What a great movie. I'm definitely watching it again tonight.

Damn! I was just in the middle of typing a really nice post when I accidentally deleted the whole dang thing. I hate that! Okay, here I go again.

I feel so much better tonight. I had a little anxiety when I came home tonight, but it was just a twinge.

Damn! Damn! Damn! I hate when I have to type over a post. I was into a roll talking about how I had no regrets in life. How my current job turned out to be a really good decision this year. It's not the perfect job, no job I feel will ever be that perfect, but I've got a great boss. The best boss I've had in a long time. Sure the woman gets on my nerves and I get peeved at her a ton, but she really is very good. This new job has also allowed me to meet most of my financial goals this year, while at the same time letting me spend money like it's going out of style.

I was kind of having regrets about the red-haired guy, but you know we had a good run. I knew my time with him was limited from the get go, and I did feel loved some of the time and I was able to let myself fall in love with him a little. And if I were to die today, I have nothing I need to say to him that I didn't already say. I left that relationship saying everything I needed to say so when I left I wouldn't have the feeling that I wished I'd told him this, I wish I'm told him that. I've been trying to do with all my relationships for a few years, because there is nothing worse than having relationship regrets.

The only thing I know I would regret if I were to die tonight, and I'm not sure what to think about this one, is I wish I'd written more. My list of accomplishments for my writing is about 10 plus items, and that's a piddly amount considering writing is something I think I'm actually good at and might want to do for a living some day. I have so many stories I wish I had gotten down on paper this year, so many short stories I wished I'd finished, four novels that I wish I'd finish, a screenplay that just needs 30 more pages to end, etc.

I never thought I'd ever have the thought that I had written more stories on my deathbed, but now I've had it. And it sucked and it was kind of sad. Sad because I keep thinking that if I could just sit my butt down in a chair and make myself write, I could have written more. I had the time, I just didn't have the discipline or desire maybe to do it. I don't know.

And with this now huge regret swirling around my head, I'm buying myself a laptop for my birthday in January. I'd buy one now, but I'm taking my work laptop with me on vacation in case an emergency comes up, and I don't want to be travelling with two laptops. I know a new toy like a laptop might really movitate me to write.

I keep telling myself it would be so much easier if I had a laptop, and now I won't have that complaint anymore. I mean I'm even contemplating going to be earlier so I could get up and write. Since I've been anxiety ridden these last few weeks, I've been going to bed at 10 or 11 pm, and waking up at 5 am. I can't sleep more than six hours without getting up. If I keep gong to bed early, I could experiment with writing in the morning. I've never actually made my myself write in the morning other than doing morning pages a few years back. Of course I'd have to fit in more writing after work before I go to the gym at 7 pm, but the more hours to write to better I say.

Last night I felt way better. I didn't hardly have any anxiety and this morning and today, I've been better. Not sure what is going on, but I'm glad the anxiety has subsided. I told my boss at work what was going on when she asked if there was "anything going on". I don't think I've been myself at work lately. She knows about my relationship with the red-haired guy and how up and down it's been. I think she was worried.

So I've been doing my list of accomplishment and under Money and Finance, I've come up with 24 things I can be proud of. I have not been paying attention to my finances at all these last four months and thought I was spending money wildly, but I haven't been that bad. I've really started to set up my life up so I save money automatically and it really, really helps. I fell short of my savings goals this year because I went on furniture buying binge, but I think I can make up for it next year if I go back to my tight wad ways.

I love having money in the bank! And I think by July if all goes well, I will be credit card debt free! Yeah me! Then I'll just have my car payment left and that will be finished by the end of 2005. I want to buy a laptop so badly and go on vacation, but I think I'll wait till after July. Not sure if I can wait on the laptop though.

If I can ever decide on which laptop to buy, I think it will be my only major purchase for next year. I'm thinking I need a new printer as well as my very old HP from 1998 is starting to not feed paper, but I saw one I liked at Costco for $200. My 1998 monitor is about to die as well and a friend of mine is trying to convince me to buy a flat screen monitor. I don't think they're that expensive, so I may just buy it one of these days.

I think I've done enough major apartment upgrading for now, and the laptop is the only thing that I really, really, reallly want.

I just started doing my 4th quarter accomplishments for work, and I'm always amazed by how much work I completed in three months. I always get this feeling at work that I don't do enough, but then when I look at my list of over 35+ plus projects I've completed, I'm like I work really hard. It just never feels like I work hard because I'm not doing any overtime and I book out at 5 pm every night on the dot. But my list of completed projects is really, really long!

I'm thinking I need to start a list of accomplishments for my life and my writing every quarter as well, because right now it feels like I'm such a lazy little slug. I know I'm not, but it sure as heck feels that way.

But I know I've done a lot like ...
1. changed jobs
2. bought a new bed and mattress
3. bought a new tv, dvd and vcr
4. bought a new stereo system
5. got published four times on the internet
6. opened a money market account
7. paid off all my credit cards except for one card
8. had dental surgery to correct bleeding gums
9. bought new glasses
10. bought a new lingere chest and new chest of drawers

And this is just the beginning.

The last few days have been bad. My anxiety attacks have just been unbelievable! I'm okay for the most part during the day, but at night I just start freaking and crying. I think grandma must have been worried about me since I had a particularly bad night last night, as I kept waking up in fear last night and decided I needed to say the "Our Father" prayer and some "Hail Mary" prayers thrown in just for good measure. It's amazing how that good catholic girl training comes in handy sometimes.

Anyway, when I walked into my kitchen this morning to make coffee the whole place smelled like grandma's kitchen at home on Kauai. I knew she was there haunting me and and letting me know she was worried about me. I usually completely freak out when I smell those home smells, but this morning I was comforted. I must have been in a pretty bad state for grandma to haunt me like that.

My sisters, who both suffer from anxiety attacks, said they've been going through this all their lives. I hate it, and I'm like why am I getting it now at this age? It's definitely an inherited thing, and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about it or am I just going to have to learn to live with it. Both my sisters swear their anxiety keeps them at their svelte size 4 and under. My anxiety attacks aren't doing a thing for my weight. I'm not losing any weight, but at least I'm not gaining any weight and I guess that's a good thing. I usually gain weight when I'm stressed out.

Just to get caught up, here's a recap of my Thanksgiving weekend.

I drove up to Redding California to visit my aunt and uncle on Wednesday. Redding is about a four drive up North or about 223 miles. I totally messed the time up and instead of leaving San Francisco by 3 pm, I left after 4 pm. This was a HUGE mistake. I got caught in a typical Bay Area Friday night commute home, with added day before Thankgiving traffic. It took me two hours to go from San Francisco to Richmond California, which is only about less than 30 mile drive. The traffic was horrendous, and I don't know how people can stand to do this commute every day.

Once I left the Bay Area, the traffic got better until I hit a five car pile up in Fairfield. That was a scary sight. I'd never seen five cars smashed all in a row like that. You see a sight like that and you think, what's the chances of that being me?

Once I got off i-80and went on 505 and then onto interstate 5, I was fine. I was flying and doing about 80-85 mph. My car is so fun to drive and very, very comfortable to sit in. I wasn't even sore so I didn't even stop and just hoofed it up there.

Driving on I-5 is a trip because it's nothing but huge, huge trucks. I hate driving near big trucks; they scare me. My car is way too small, and the one and only accident I had involved a big rig truck so the trucks just freak me out. I zipped around them as much as I could and I held my breath each time.

The four drive turned into a five hour drive, but considering I was in rush hour/pre thanksgiving traffic I probably made good time. My poor aunt and uncle thought I'd be there sooner, so they waited to have dinner until I got there. I told them I didn't think I'd be there till 10 pm, but they decided to wait anyway. I didn't know this of course, so I stopped at the McDonalds near their house for my dinner and got food through the drivethru. What a waste of good highway junk food! I ended up putting my Mickey D food in their fridge, and going out to dinner with them which they paid for. My uncle always pays for dinner.

My aunt and uncle moved up to Redding to retire and now that they have all this free time, they do nothing but gamble at all the indian casinos that are mushrooming up there. So of course after dinner, they took me to their favourite casino. My uncle plays poker, and he gives my aunt money to entertain herself by playing the slot machines or bingo if they have it. Since I was with them, my uncle handed me and my aunt a wad of money and said "Here, go enjoy yourself. I want to play cards."

Now I'm not into gambling, but since my uncle gave me some money and they both obviously wanted to enjoy themselves and I was staying with them, I gambled with them till 3 am. I lost all the money he gave me, but my aunt was luckier and doubled her stash. She is a very lucky gambler, and had won $800 last week at a slot machine.

It's unbelievable how many people are gambling their money away in the wee hours of the morning in an indian casino in northern california. People are really into it. And unlike Vegas or Atlantic City, they don't serve you free booze drinks at indian casinos. You can get free soft drinks, but no free alcohol. The indian casinos aren't as nice as the ones in Vegas as well. No sports betting, no fancy games. Just poker, bingo, slot machines, and blackjack. I don't think I even saw a craps table. Not that I think I ever took an inventory of a Las Vegas casino, but the indian casino we went to was definitely low rent.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be spending the start of a Thanksgiving holiday at a dumpy indian casino, but it was fun only because my aunt and uncle are so nice to hang with. My aunt is really sweet, and she was giving me motherly advice during our slot machine games.

Just when I thought things were getting better on Monday morning, I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that kind of rocked my world for a bit and sent me into a depressing tailspin. My anxiety skyrocketed again and I was going to bed at 8 pm trying to not to freak out. My recent past was coming back to haunt me in a serious way, and I was deathly afraid of the circumstances. I was thinking some serious lifestyle changes for moi.

But it's Friday now and the expected consequences of the phone call haven't materialized yet, and I'm hoping I just panicked myself for nothing. My intuition says I still need to be ready for anything, but I'm hoping my intuition is just plain wrong this time. Usually my intuition is so bizarrely right and while my anxiety has yet to decrease, each passing day gives me hope.

You know for all my complaining and kvetching, I kind of really like my carefree neurotic not so normal life for now. It's comfortable and I have freedoms that I'm not sure I would experience in another situation, i.e. like with a boyfriend. I'm sure there's a way to do it and if I could find that "one comfortable fit", I'd be in a couple in a nanosecond. But relationships always end up being just another prison I have to escape from desperately, and I'm a hell of a jail breaker.

It's so hard for me to blog when I'm in a state of total panic. And people have been calling me out of the blue as well. My aunt from Minnesota called to get my address and tell me out her trip to Italy in the spring with her husband. I haven't talked to her in years, but ended talking to her at Thanksgiving when I was at my aunt and uncle's in Redding.

Then a friend from LA called out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since September. It's so weird to get random calls from peoople I don't talk to normally.